GIFT  OF 


THE 


GENTLEMEN'S  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE, 


AND 


MANUAL  OF  POLITENESS; 


BEINO 


A  COMPLETE    GUIDE    FOR  A  GENTLEMAN'S    CONDUCT    IN   ALL 
HIS   RELATIONS    TOWARDS    SOCIETY, 

OOITTAINlWa 


RULES  FOR  THE  ETIQUETTE  TO  BE  OBSERVED   IN  THE   STREET,  AT 
TABLE,  IN   THE    BALL    ROOM,  EVENING'  PARTY,   AND  MORN- 
ING call:    WITH  FULL  DIRECTIONS  FOR  POLITE  COR- 
RESPONDENCE, DRESS,  CONVERSATION,  MANLY 
EXERCISES,    AND   ACCOMPLISHMENTS. 


f  ROM  THE  BEST  FRENCH.  ENGLISH,  AND  AMERICAN  AUTHORITIES, 


BY 

CECIL,  B^    H^RTiie^'2?.: 


BOSTON: 

G.    W.    COTTRELL,    PUBLISHER, 

36    Corn  hill  . 


^^  *  *  ^  ^■^■^■x*wyw%/v\/ww/v/vA^ 


Entered  according  to  the  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1860,  by 

G.   Q.    EVANS, 

in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Eastern  Distriet  of 
Pennsylvania. 


INTRODUCTION, 


Man  was  not  intended  to  live  like  a  bear  or  a  hermit,  apart 
from  others  of  his  own  nature,  and,  philosophy  and  reason  will 
each  agree  with  me,  that  man  was  born  for  sociability  and  finds 
his  true  delight  in  society.  Society  is  a  word  capable  of  many 
meanings,  and  used  here  in  each  and  all  of  them.  Society, 
par  excellence;  the  world  at  large;  the  little  clique  to  which  he 
is  bound  by  early  ties ;  the  companionship  of  friends  or  relatives ; 
even  society  tete  a  tete  with  one  dear  sympathizing  soul,  are 
pleasant  states  for  a  man  to  be  in. 

Taking  the  word  in  its  most  extended  view,  it  is  the  world ; 
but  in  the  light  we  wish  to  impress  in  our  book  it  is  the  smaller 
world  of  the  changing,  pleasant  intercourse  of  each  city  or  town 
in  which  our  reader  may  chance  to  abide. 

This  society,  composed,  as  it  is,  of  many  varying  natures 
and  elements,  where  each  individual  must  submit  to  merge  hia 
own  identity  into  the  universal  whole,  which  makes  the  word 
and  state,  is  divided  and  subdivided  into  various  cliques,  and 
has  a  pastime  for  every  disposition,  grave  or  gay ;  and  with  each 
division  rises  up  a  new  set  of  forms  and  ceremonies  to  be  ob 

284309 


4' 


INTRODUCTION. 


served  if  you  wish  to  glide  down  the  current  of  polite  life, 
smoothly  and  pleasantly. 

The  young  man  who  makes  his  first  entrance  into  the  world 
of  society,  should  know  how  to  choose  his  friends,  and  next 
how  to  conduct  himself  towards  them.  Experience  is,  of 
course,  the  best  guide,  but  at  first  starting  this  must  come  sec- 
ond hand,  from  an  older  friend,  or  from  books. 

A  judicious  friend  is  the  best  guide ;  but  how  is  the  young 
jnan  to  know  whom  to  choose  ?  When  at  home  this  friend  is 
easily  selected ;  but  in  this  country,  where  each  bird  leaves  the 
parent  nest  as  soon  as  his  wings  will  bear  him  safely  up,  there 
ere  but  few  who  stay  amongst  the  friends  at  home. 

Next  then  comes  the  instruction  from  books. 

True  a  book  will  not  fully  supply  the  place  either  of  expen- 
ence  or  friendly  advice,  still  it  may  be  made  useful,  and,  care- 
fully written  from  the  experience  of  heads  grown  gray  in 
society,  with  only  well  authenticated  rules,  it  will  be  a  guide 
not  to  be  despised  by  the  young  aspirant  for  favor  in  polite  and 
refined  circles. 

You  go  into  society  from  mixed  motives ;  partly  for  pleasure, 
recreation  after  the  fatigues  of  your  daily  duties,  and  partly 
that  you  may  become  known.  In  a  republican  country  where 
one  man's  opportunities  for  rising  are  as  good  as  those  of  an- 
other, ambition  will  lead  every  rising  man  into  society. 

You  may  set  it  down  as  a  rule,  that  as  you  treat  the  world, 
so  the  world  will  treat  you.  Carry  into  the  circles  of  society 
a  refined,  poHshed  manner,  and  an  amiable  desire  to  please, 
and  it  will  meet  you  with  smiling  grace,  and  lead  you  forward 
pleasantly  along  the  flowery  paths ;  go,  on  the  contrary,  with  a 
brusque,  rude  manner,  startling  all  the  silky  softness  before  you 


INTRODUCTION.  5 

with  cut  and  thrust  remarks,  carrying  only  the  hard  realities 
of  life  in  your  hand,  and  you  will  find  society  armed  to  meet 
you,  showing  only  sharp  corners  and  thorny  places  for  your 
blundering  footsteps  to  stumble  against. 

You  will  find  in  every  circle  that  etiquette  holds  some  sway ; 
her  rule  is  despotic  in  some  places,  in  others  mild,  and  easily 
set  aside.  Your  first  lesson  in  society  will  be  to  study  where 
she  reigns  supreme,  in  her  crown  and  holding  her  sceptre,  and 
where  she  only  glides  in  with  a  gentle  hint  or  so,  and  timidly 
steps  out  if  rebuked ;  and  let  your  conduct  be  governed  by  the 
result  of  your  observations.  You  will  soon  become  familiar 
with  the  signs,  and  tell  on  your  first  entrance  into  a  room 
whether  kid  gloves  and  exquisite  finish  of  manner  will  be  ap- 
propriate, or  whether  it  is  "  hail,  fellow,  well  met"  with  the 
inmates.  Remember,  however,  "once  a  gentleman  always  a 
gentleman,"  and  be  sure  that  you  can  so  carry  out  the  rule, 
that  in  your  most  careless,  joyous  moments,  when  freest  from 
the  restraints  of  etiquette,  you  can  still  be  recognizable  as  a 
gentleman  by  every  act,  word,  or  look. 

Avoid  too  great  a  restraint  of  manner.  Stifihess  is  not  po- 
liteness, and,  while  you  observe  every  rule,  you  may  appear  to 
heed  none.  To  make  your  politeness  part  of  yourself,  insepar- 
able from  every  action,  is  the  height  of  gentlemanly  elegance^ 
and  finish  of  manner. 


> 


CONTENTS. 


PAOB 

Iktbodttction.... ^^ 3 

CHAPTER  I. 
Conversation.. :. 11 

CHAPTER  if. 
Politeness 31 

CHAPTER^  III. 
Table  Etiquette 50 

CHAPTER  IV. 
Etiquette  ik  the  Street 66 

CHAPTER  V. 

Etiquette  for  Calling .-. 75 

7 


8  CONTENTS.      - 

CHAPTER   VI. 

PAM 

Etiquettk  for  the  Ball  room...... 91 

CHAPTER  VII. 
Dress 116 

CHAPTER  VIIL 
Manlt  Exercises 154 

CHAPTER  IX. 
Traveling 176 

CHAPTER  X. 
Etiquette  in  Church ,.  183 

CHAPTER   XI. 
One  Hundred  Hints  for  Gentlemanly  Deportment 188 

CHAPTER  XII. 
Parties 222 

CHAPTER  XIII. 
Courtesy  at  Home 228 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
True  Courtesy 244 

CHAPTER  XV. 
Letter  Writing 262 


CONTENTS.  9 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

PAOB 

Wedding  Etiqttbttk , 280 

CHAPTER  XVII. 
Etiquette  for  Places  of  Ahitseuent 294 

CHAPTER  XVin. 
Miscellaneous...., ...., 298 


GENTLEMEN'S  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 


CHAPTER  I. 

CONVEHSATION. 


One  of  the  first  rules  for  a  guide  in  polite  conversa- 
tion, is  to  avoid  political  or  religious  discussions  in 
.general  society.  Such  discussions  lead  almost  invariably 
to  irritating  differences  of  opinion,  often  to  open  quar- 
rels, and  a  coolness  of  feeling  which  might  have  been 
avoided  by  drfipping  the  distasteful  subject  as  soon  as 
marked  differences  of  opinion  arose.  It  is  but  one  out 
of  many  that  can  discuss  either  political  or  religious  dif- 
ferences, with  candor  and  judgment,  and  yet  so  far 
control  his  language  and  temper  as  to  avoid  either  giving 
or  taking  offence.    • 

In  their  place,  in  circles  which  have  met  for  such  dis- 
cussions, in  a  tete  a  tete  conversation,  in  a  small  party 
of  gentlemen  where  each  is  ready  courteously  to  listen 
to  the  others,  politics  may  be  discussed  with  perfect  pro- 
priety, but  in  the  drawing-room,  at  the  dinner-table,  or 
in  the  society  of  ladies,  these  topics  are  best  avoided. 

If  you  are  drawn  into  such  a  discussion  without  in- 
tending to  be  so,  be  careful  that  your  individual  opinion- 

11 


12  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

does  not  lead  you  into  language  and  actions  unbecoming 
a  gentleman.  Listen  courteously  to  those  whose  opin- 
ions do  not  agree  with  yours,  and  keep  your  temper.  A 
man  in  a  passion  ceases  to  be  a  gentleman. 

Even  if  convinced  that  your  opponent  is  utterly  wrong, 
yield  gracefully,  decline  further  discussion,  or  dextrously 
turn  the  conversation,  but  do  not  obstinately  defend 
your  own  opinion  until  you  become  angry,  or  more  ex- 
cited than  is  becoming  to  a  gentleman. 

Many  there  are  who,  giving  their  opinion,  not  as  an 
opinion  but  as  a  law^  will  defend  their  position  by  such 
phrases,  as :  "  Well,  if  I  were  president,  or  governor,  I 
would,"  &c. — and  while  by  the  warmth  of  their  argu- 
ment they  prove  that  they  are  utterly  unable  to  govern 
their  own  temper,  they  will  endeavor  to  persuade  you 
that  they  are  perfectly  competent  to  take  charge  of  the 
government  of  the  nation. 

Retain,  if  you  will,  a  fixed  political  opinion,  yet  do 
not  parade  it  upon  all  occasions,  and,  above  all,  do  not 
endeavor  to  force  others  to  agree  with  you.  Listen 
calmly  to  their  ideas  upon  the  same  subjects,  and  if  you 
cannot  agree,  differ  politely,  and  while  your  opponent 
may  set  you  down  as  a  bad  politician,  let  him  be  obliged 
to  admit  that  you  are  a  gentleman. 

Wit  and  vivacity  are  two  highly  important  ingredients 
in  the  conversation  of  a  man  in  polite  society,  yet  a 
straining  for  effect,  or  forced  wit,  is  in  excessively  bad 
taste.  There  is  no  one  more  insupportable  in  society 
than  the  everlasting  talkers  who  scatter  puns,  witticisms, 
and  jokes  with  so  profuse  a  hand  that  they  become  as 
tiresome  as  a  comic  newspaper,  and  whose  loud  laugh  at 


CONVERSATION.  13 

their  own  wit  drowns  other  voices  which  might  speak 
matter  more  interesting.  The  really  witty  man  does 
not  shower  forth  his  wit  so  indiscriminately ;  his  charm 
consists  in  wielding  his  powerful  weapon  delicately  and 
easily,  and  making  each  highly  polished  witticism  come 
in  the  right  place  and  moment  to  be  effectual.  While 
real  wit  is  a  most  delightful  gift,  and  its  use  a  most 
charming  accomplishment,  it  is,  like  many  other  bright 
weapons,  dangerous  to  use  too  often.  You  may  wound 
where  you  meant  only  to  amuse,  and  remarks  which  you 
mean  only  in  for  general  applications,  may  be  construed 
into  personal  affronts,  so,  if  you* have  the  gift,  use  it 
wisely,  and  not  too  freely. 

The  most  important  requisite  for  a  good  conversational 
power  is  education,  and,  by  this  is  meant,  not  merely  the 
matter  you  may  store  in  your  memory  from  observation 
or  books,  though  this  is  of  vast  importance,  but  it  also 
includes  the  developing  of  the  mental  powers,  and,  above 
all,  the  comprehension.  An  English  writer  says,  "  A 
man- should  be  able,  in  order  to  enter  into  conversation, 
to  catch  rapidly  the  meaning  of  anything  that  is  ad- 
vanced ;  for  instance,  though  you  know  nothing  of  sci- 
ence, you  should  not  be  obliged  to  stare  and  be  silent, 
when  a  man  who  does  understand  it  is  explaining  a  new 
discovery  or  a  new  theory ;  though  you  have  not  read  a 
word  of  Blackstone,  your  comprehensive  powers  should 
be  sufficiently  acute  to  enable  you  to  take  in  the  state- 
ment that  may  be  made  of  a  recent  cause ;  though  you 
may  not  have  read  some  particular  book,  you  should  be 
capable  of  appreciating  the  criticism  which  you  hear  of 
it.     Without  such  power — simple  enough,  and  easily  at- 


14  gentlemen's  book  op  etiquette. 

tained  by  attention  and  practice,  yet  too  seldom  met 
with  in  general  society — a  conversation  which  departs 
from  the  most  ordinary  topics  cannot  be  maintained 
without  the  risk  of  lapsing  into  a  lecture;  with  such 
power,  society  becomes  instructive  as  well  as  amusing, 
and  you  have  no  remorse  at  an  evening's  end.  at  having 
wasted  three  or  four  hours  in  profitless  banter,  or  sim- 
pering platitudes.  This  facility  of  comprebension  often 
startles  us  in  some  women,  whose  education  we  know  to 
have  been  poor,  and  whose  reading  is  limited.  If  they 
did  not  rapidly  receive  your  ideas,  they  could  not,  there- 
fore, be  fit  companions  for  intellectual  men,  and  it  is, 
perhaps,  their  consciousness  of  a  deficiency  which  leads 
them  to  pay  the  more  attention  to  what  you  say.  It  is 
this  which  makes  married  women  so  much  more  agreeable 
to  men  of  thought  than  young  ladies,  as  a  rule,  can  be, 
for  they  are  accustomed  to  the  society  of  a  husband,  and 
the  efi'ort  to  be  a  companion  to  his  mind  has  engrafted 
the  habit  of  attention  and  ready  reply." 

The  same  author  says :  "  No  less  important  is  the 
cultivation  of  taste.  If  it  is  tiresome  and  deadening-  to 
be  with  people  who  cannot  understand,  and  will  not  even 
appear  to  be  interested  in  your  better  thoughts,  it  is 
almost  repulsive  to  find  a  man  insensible  to  all  beauty, 
and  immovable  by  any  horror. 

''  In  the  present  day  an  acquaintance  with  art,  even 
if  you  have  no  love  for  it,  is  a  sine  qud  non  of  good 
society.  Music  and  painting  are  subjects  which  will  be 
discussed  in  every  direction  around  you.  It  is  only  in 
bad  society  that  people  go  to  the  opera,  concerts,  and 
art-exhibitions  merely  because  it  is  the  fashion,  or  to  say 


CONVERSATION.  15 

they  have  been  there ;  and  if  you  confessed  to  such  a 
weakness  in  really  good  society,  you  would  be  justly 
voted  a  puppy.  For  this,  too,  some  book  knowledge  is 
indispensable.  You  should  at  least  know  the  names  of 
the  more  celebrated  artists,  composers,  architects,  sculp- 
tors, and  so  forth,  and  should  be  able  to  approximate 
their  several  schools. 

"  So  too,  you  should  know  pretty  accurately  the  pro- 
nunciation of  celebrated  names,  or,  if  not,  take  care 
not  to  use  them.  It  will  never  do  to  be  ignorant  of  the 
names  and  approximate  ages  of  great  composers,  espe- 
cially in  large  cities,  where  music  is  so  highly  appreciated 
and  so  common  a  theme.  It  will  be  decidedly  con- 
demnatory if  you  talk  of  the  new  opera  *  Don  Giovanni,' 
or  RossinVs  '  Trovatore,'  or  are  ignorant  who  composed 

*  Fidelio,'  and  in  what  opera  occur  such  common  pieces 
as  '  Ciascun  lo  dice^  or  '  J7  segreto.'  I  do  not  say  that 
these  trifles  are  indispensable,  and  when  a  man  has 
better   knowledge   to    offer,   especially  with   genius   or 

*  cleverness'  to  back  it,  he  will  not  only  be  pardoned  for 
an  ignorance  of  them,  but  can  even  take  a  high  tone, 
and  profess  indifference  or  contempt  of  them.  But,  at 
the  same  time,  such  ignorance  stamps  an  ordinary  man, 
and  hinders  conversation.  On  the  other  hand  the  best 
society  will  not  endure  dilettantism,  and,  whatever  the 
knowledge  a  man  may  possess  of  any  art,  he  must  not 
display  it  so  as  to  make  the  ignorance  of  others  painful 
to  them.  But  this  applies  to  every  topic.  To  have  only 
one  or  two  subjects  to  converse  on,  and  to  discourse 
rather  than  talk  on  them,  is  always  ill-bred,  whether  the 
theme  be  literature  or  horseflesh.     The  gentleman  jockey 


16  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

will  probably  denounce  the  former  as  a  *  bore,*  and  call 
us  pedants  for  dwelling  on  it ;  but  if,  as  is  too  often  the 
case,  he  can  give  us  nothing  more  general  than  the  dis- 
cussion of  the  '  points'  of  a  horse  that,  perhaps,  we 
have  never  seen,  he  is  as  great  a  pedant  in  his  way. 

"  Reason  plays  a  less  conspicuous  p;irt  in  good  society 
because  its  frequenters  are  too  rea:-,onable  to  be  mere 
reasoners.  A  disputation  is  always  dangerous  to  temper, 
and  tedious  to  those  who  cannot  feel  as  eager  as  the  dis- 
putants ;  a  discussion,  on  the  other  hand,  in  which 
every  body  has  a  chance  of  stating  amicably  and  unob- 
trusively his  or  her  opinion,  must  be  of  frequent  occur- 
rence. But  to  cultivate  the  reason,  besides  its  high 
moral  value,  has  the  advantage  of  enabling  one  to  reply 
as  well  as  attend  to  the  opinions  of  others.  Nothing  is 
more  tedious  or  disheartening  than  a  perpetual,  'Yes, 
just  so,'  and  nothing  more.  Conversation  must  never 
be  one-sided.  Then,  again,  the  reason  enables  us  to 
support  a  fancy  or  an  opinion,  when  we  are  asked  why 
we  think  so.  To  reply,  '  I  don't  know,  but  still  I  think 
so,'  is  silly  and  tedious. 

"  But  there  is  a  part  of  our  education  so  important 
and  so  neglected  in  our  schools  and  colleges,  that  it  can- 
not be  too  highly  impressed  on  the  young  man  who  pro- 
poses to  enter  society.  I  mean  that  which  we  learn  first 
of  all  things^  yet  often  have  not  learned  fully  when  death 
eases  us  of  the  necessity— the  art  of  speaking  our  own 
language.  What  can  Greek  and  Latin,  French  and 
German  be  for  us  in  our  every-day  life,  if  we  have  not 
acquired  this?  We  are  often  encouraged  to  raise  a 
laugh  at  Doctor  Syntax  and  the  tyranny  of  Grammar, 


CONVERSATION.  17 

but  we  may  be  certain  that  more  misunderstandings, 
and,  therefore,  more  difficulties  arise  between  men  in  the 
commonest  intercourse  from  a  want  of  grammatical  pre- 
cision than  from  any  other  cause.  It  was  once  the 
fashion  to  neglect  grammar,  as  it  now  is  with  certain 
people  to  write  illegibly,  and,  in  the  days  of  Goethe,  a 
man  thought  himself  a  genius  if  he  could  spell  badly. 

"Precision  and  accuracy  must  begin  in  the  very  out- 
set ;  and  if  we  neglect  them  in  grammar,  we  shall 
scarcely  acquire  them  in  expressing  our  thoughts.  But 
since  there  is  no  society  without  interchange  of  thought, 
and  since  the  best  society  is  that  in  which  the  best 
thoughts  are  interchanged  in  the  best  and  most  compre- 
hensible manner,  it  follows  that  a  proper  mode  of  ex- 
pressing ourselves  is  indispensable  in  good  society. 

"  The  art  of  expressing  one's  thoughts  neatly  and 
suitably  is  one  which,  in  the  neglect  of  rhetoric  as  a 
study,  we  must  practice  for  ourselves.  The  commonest 
thought  well  put  is  more  useful  in  a  social  point  of  view, 
than  the  most  brilliant  idea  jumbled  out.  What  is  well 
expressed  is  easily  seized,  and  therefore  readily  responded 
to ;  the  most  poetic  fancy  qiay  be  lost  to  the  hearer,  if 
the  language  which  conveys  it  is  obscure.  Speech  is  the 
gift  which  distinguishes  man  from  animals,  and  makes 
society  possible.  He  has  but  a  poor  appreciation  of  his 
high  privilege  as  a  human  being,  who  neglects  to  culti- 
vate, '  God's  great  gift  of  speech.' 

"  As  I  am  not  writing  for  men  of  genius,  but  for 
ordinary  beings,  I  am  right  to  state  that  an  indispensable 
part  of  education  is  a  knowledge  of  the  literature 
of  the   English   language.     But   how    to   read,   is,   for 


18  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

society  more  important  than  what  we  read.  The 
man  who  takes  up  nothing  but  a  newspaper,  but  reads 
it  to  think,  to  deduct  conclusions  from  its  premises,  and 
form  a  judgment  on  its  opinions,  is  more  fitted  for  society 
tlian  he,  who  having  all  the  current  literature  and  devot- 
ing his  whole  time  to  its  perusal,  swallows  it  all  without 
digestion.  In  fact,  the  mind  must  be  treated  like  the 
body,  and  however  great  its  appetite,  it  will  soon  fall 
into  bad  health  if  it  gorges,  but  does  not  ruminate.  At 
the  same  time  an  acquaintance  with  the  best  current 
literature  is  necessary  to  modern  society,  and  it  is  not 
sjufficient  to  have  read  a  book  without  being  able  to  pass 
a  judgment  upon  it.  Conversation  on  literature  is  im- 
possible, when  your  respondent  can  only  say,  *  Yes.  I 
like  the  book,  but  I  really  don't  know  why.* 

''An  acquaintance  with  old  English  literature  is  not 
perhaps  indispensable,  but  it  gives  a  man  great  advan- 
tage in  all  kinds  of  society,  and  in  some  he  is  at  a  con- 
stant loss  without  it.  The  same  may  be  said  of  foreign 
literature,  which  in  the  present  day  is  almost  as  much 
discussed  as  our  own ;  but,  on  the  other  hand,  an  ac- 
quaintance with  home  and  foreign  politics,  with  current 
history,  and  subjects  of  passing  interest,  is  absolutely 
necessary  ;  and  a  person  of  sufficient  intelligence  to  join 
in  good  society,  cannot  dispense  with  his  daily  news- 
paper, his  literary  journal,  and  the  principal  reviews 
and  magazines.  The  cheapness  of  every  kind  of  litera- 
ture, the  facilities  of  our  well  stored  circulating  libraries, 
our  public  reading  rooms,  and  numerous  excellent  lec- 
tures on  every  possible  subject,  leave  no  excuse  to  poor 
or  rich  for  an  ignorance  of  any  of  the  topics  discussed  in 


CONVERSATION.  19 

intellectual  society.  You  may  forget  your  Latin,  Greek, 
French,  German,  and  Mathematics,  but  if  you  frequent 
good  company,  you  will  never  be  allowed  to  forget  that 
you  are  a  citizen  of  the  world." 

A  man  of  real  intelligence  and  cultivated  mind,  is 
generally  modest.  He  may  feel  when  in  every  day 
society,  that  in  intellectual  acquirements  he  is  above 
those  around  him ;  but  he  will  not  seek  to  make  his  com- 
panions feel  their  inferiority,  nor  try  to  display  this 
advantage  over  them.  He  wiU  discuss  with  frank  sim- 
plicity the  topics  started  by  others,  and  endeavor  to 
avoid  starting  such  as  they  will  not  feel  inclined  to  dis- 
cuss. All  that  he  says  will  be  marked  by  politeness 
and  deference  to  the  feelings  and  opinions  of  others. 

La  Bruyere  says,  "  The  great  charm  of  conversation 
consists  less  in  the  display  of  one's  own  wit  and  intelli- 
gence, than  in  the  power  to  draw  forth  the  resources  of 
others ;  he  who  leaves  you  after  a  long  conversation, 
pleased  with  himself  and  the  part  he  has  taken  in  the 
discourse,  will  be  your  warmest  admirer.  Men  do  not 
care  to  admire  you,  they  wish  you  to  be  pleased  with 
them ;  they  do  not  seek  for  instruction  or  even  amuse- 
ment from  your  discourse,  but  they  do  wish  you  to  be 
made  acquainted  with  their  talents  and  powers  of  con- 
versation ;  and  the  true  man  of  genius  will  delicately 
make  all  who  come  in  contact  with  him,  feel  the  exquis- 
ite satisfaction  of  knowing  that  they  have  appeared  to 
advantage." 

Having  admitted  the  above  to  be  an  incontestable  fact, 
you  will  also  see  that  it  is  as  great  an  accomplishment 


20  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

to  listen  with  an  air  of  interest  and  attention,  as  it  is  to 
speak  well. 

To  be  a  good  listener  is  as  indispensable  as  to  be  a 
good  talker,  and  it  is  in  the  character  of  listener  that 
you  can  most  readily  detect  the  man  who  is  accustomed 
to  good  society.  Nothing  is  more  embarrassing  to  any 
one  who  is  speaking,  than  to  perceive  signs  of  weariness 
or  inattention  in  the  person  whom  he  addresses. 

Never  interrupt  any  one  who  is  speaking ;  it  is  quite 
as  rude  to  officiously  supply  a  name  or  date  about  which 
another  hesitates,  unless  you  are  asked  to  do  so.  Ano- 
ther gross  breach  of  etiquette,  is  to  anticipate  the  point 
of  a  story  which  another  person  is  reciting,  or  to  take  it 
from  his  lips  to  finish  it  in  your  own  language.  Some 
persons  plead  as  an  excuse  for  this  breach  of  etiquette, 
that  the  reciter  was  spoiling  a  good  story  by  a  bad  man- 
ner, but  this  does  not  mend  the  matter.  It  is  surely 
rude  to  give  a  man  to  understand  that  you  do  not  con- 
sider him  capable  of  finishing  an  anecdote  that  he  has 
commenced. 

It  is  ill-bred  to  put  on  an  air  of  weariness  during  a 
long  speech  from  another  person,  and  quite  as  rude  to 
look  at  a  watch,  read  a  letter,  flirt  the  leaves  of  a  book, 
or  in  any  other  action  show  that  you  are  tired  of  the 
speaker  or  his  subject. 

In  a  general  conversation,  never  speak  when  another 
person  is  speaking,  and  never  try  by  raising  your  own 
voice  to  drown  that  of  another..  Never  assume  an  air 
of  haughtiness,  or  speak  in  a  dictatorial  manner ;  let 
your  conversation  be  always  amiable  and  frank,  free 
from  every  affectation. 


CONVERSATIOU".  21 

Put  yourself  on  the  same  level  as  the  person  to  whom 
you  speak,  and  under  penalty  of  being  considered  a 
pedantic  idiot,  refraining  from  explaining  any  expression 
or  word  that  you  may  use. 

Never,  unless  you  are  requested  to  do  so,  speak  of 
your  own  business  or  profession  in  society ;  to  confine 
your  conversation  entirely  to  the  subject  or  pursuit  which 
is  your  own  speciality  is  low-bred  and.  vulgar. 

Make  the  subject  for  conversation  suit  the  company 
in  which  you  are  placed.  Joyous,  light  conversation 
will  be  at  times  as  much  out  of  place,  as  a  sermon  would 
be  at  a  dancing  party.  Let  your  conversation  be  grave 
or  gay  as  suits  the  time  or  place. 

In  a  dispute,  if  you  cannot  reconcile  the  parties,  with- 
draw from  them.  You  will  surely  make  one  enemy, 
perhaps  two,  by  taking  either  side,  in  an  argument  when 
the  speakers  have  lost  their  temper. 

Never  gesticulate  in  every  day  conversation,  unless 
you  wish  to  be  mistaken  for  a  fifth  rate  comedian. 

Never  ask  any  one  who  is  conversing  with  you  to  re- 
peat his  words.  Nothing  is  ruder  than  to  say,  "  Pardon 
me,  will  you  repeat  that  sentence — I  did  not  hear  you 
at  first,"  and  thus  imply  that  your  attention  was  wander- 
ing when  he  first  spoke. 

Never,  during  a  general  conversation,  endeavor  to 
concentrate  the  attention  wholly  upon  yourself.  It  is 
quite  as  rude  to  enter  into  conversation  with  one  of  a 
group,  and  endeavor  to  draw  him  out  of  the  circle  of 
general  conversation  to  talk  with  you  alone. 

Never  listen  to  the  conversation  of  two  persons  who 
bave  thus  withdrawn  from  a  group.     If  they  are  so  near 


22  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

you  that  you  cannot  avoid  hearing  them,  you  may,  with 
perfect  propriety,  change  your  seat. 

Make  your  own  share  in  conversation  as  modest  and 
brief  as  is  consistent  with  the  subject  under  considera- 
tion, and  avoid  long  speeches  and  tedious  stories.  If, 
howev^er,  another,  particularly  an  old  man,  tells  a  long 
story,  or  one  that  is  not  new  to  you,  listen  respectfully 
until  he  has  finished,  before  you  speak  again. 

Speak  of  yourself  but  little.  Your  friends  will  find 
out  your  virtues  without  forcing  you  to  tell  them,  and 
you  may  feel  confident  that  it  is  equally  unnecessary  to 
expose  your  faults  yourself. 

If  you  submit  to  flattery,  you  must  also  submit  to  the 
imputation  of  folly  and  self-conceit. 

In  speaking  of  your  friends,  do  not  compare  them, 
one  with  another.  Speak  of  the  merits  of  each  one,  but 
do  not  try  to  heighten  the  virtues  of  one  by  contrasting 
them  with  the  vices  of  another. 

No  matter  how  absurd  are  the  anecdotes  that  may  be 
told  in  your  presence,  you  must  never  give  any  sign  of 
incredulity.  They  may  be  true ;  and  even  if  false,  good 
breeding  forces  you  to  hear  them  with  polite  attention, 
and  the  appearance  of  belief.  To  show  by  word  or  sign 
any  token  of  incredulity,  is  to  give  the  lie  to  the  narra- 
tor, and  that  is  an  unpardonable  insult. 

Avoid,  in  conversation  all  subjects  which  can  injure 
the  absent.  A  gentleman  will  never  calumniate  or 
listen  to  calumny. 

Need  I  say  that  no  gentleman  will  ever  soil  his  mouth 

with  an  oath.     Above  all,  to  swear  in  a  drawing-room 

/  or  before  ladies  is  not  only  indelicate  and  vulgar  in  the 


CONVERSATION.  23 

extreme,  but   evinces  a  shocking  ignorance  of  the  rules 
of  polite  society  and  good  breeding. 

For  a  long  time  the  world  has  adopted  a  certain  form 
of  speech  which  is  used  in  good  society,  and  which 
changing  often,  is  yet  one  of  the  distinctive  marks  of  a 
gentleman.  A  word  or  even  a  phrase  which  has  been 
used  among  the  most  refined  circles,  will,  sometimes,  by 
a  sudden  freak  of  fashion,  from  being  caricatured  in  a 
farce  or  song,  or  from  some  other  cause,  go  entirely  out 
of  use.  Nothing  but  habitual  intercourse  with  people 
of  refinement  and  education,  and  mingling  in  general 
society,  will  teach  a  gentleman  what  words  to  use  and 
what  to  avoid.  Yet  there  are  some  words  which  are  now 
entirely  out  of  place  in  a  parlor. 

Avoid  a  declamatory  style ;  some  men,  before  speak- 
ing, will  wave  their  hands  as  if  commanding  silence,  and,^ 
having  succeeded  in  obtaining  the  attention  of  the  com- 
pany, will  speak  in  a  tone,  and  style,  perfectly  suitable  \/ 
for  the  theatre  or  lecture  room,  but  entirely  out  of  place 
in  a  parlor.  Such  men  entirely  defeat  the  object  of 
society,  for  they  resent  interruption,  and,  as  their  talk 
flows  in  a  constant  stream,  no  one  else  can  speak  without 
interrupting  the  pompous  idiot  who  thus  endeavors  to 
engross  the  entire  attention  of  the  circle  around  him. 

This  character  will  be  met  with  constantly,  and  gener- 
ally joins  to  the  other  disagreeable  traits  an  egotism  as 
tiresome  as  it  is  ill-bred. 

The  wittiest  man  becomes  tedious  and  ill-bred  when 
he  endeavors  to  engross  entirely  the  attention  of  the 
company  in  which  he  should  take  a  more  modest  part. 

Avoid  set  phrases,   and   use   quotations   but   rarely. 


24  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

They  sometimes  make  a  very  piquant  addition  to  con- 
versation, but  when  they  become  a  constant  habit,  they 
are  exceedingly  tedious,  and  in  bad  taste. 

Avoid  pedantry ;  it  is  a  mark,  not  of  intelligence,  but 
stupidity. 

Speak  your  own  language  correctly ;  at  the  same  time 
do  not  be  too  great  » stickler  for  formal  correctness  of 
phrases. 

Never  notice  it  if  others  make  mistakes  in  language. 
To  notice  by  word  or  look  such  errors  in  those  around 
you,  is  excessively  ill-bred. 

"Vulgar  language  and  slang,  though  in  common,  un- 
fortunately too  common  use,  are  unbecoming  in  any 
one  who  pretends  to  be  a  gentleman.  Many  of  the 
words  heard  now  in  the  parlor  and  drawing-room,  derive 
their  origin  from  sources  which  a  gentleman  would 
hesitate  to  mention  before  lardies,  yet  he  will  make  daily 
use  of  the  offensive  word  or  phrase. 

If  you  are  a  professional  or  scientific  man,  avoid  the 
use  of  technical  .terms.  They  are  in  bad  taste,  because 
many  will  not  understand  them.  If,  however,  you  un- 
consciously use  such  a  term  or  phrase,  do  not  then  com- 
mit the  still  greater  error  of  explaining  its  meaning. 
No  one  will  thank  you  for  thus  implying  their  ignorance. 

In  conversing  with  a  foreigner  who  speaks  imperfect 
English,  listen  with  strict  attention,  yet  do  not  supply  a 
word,  or  phrase,  if  he  hesitates.  Above  all,  do  not  by  a 
word  or  gesture  show  impatience  if  he  makes  pauses  or 
blunders.  If  you  understand  his  language,  say  so  when 
you  first  speak  to  him ;  this  is  not  making  a  display  of 
your  own  knowledge,  but  is  a  kindness,  as  a  foreigner 


CONVERSATION.  25 

will  be  pleased  to  hear  and  speak  his  own  language  when 
in  a  strange  countrji 

Be  careful  in  society  never  to  play  the  part  of  buffoon, 
for  you  will  soon  become  known  as  the  "  funny"  man  of  the 
party,  and  no  character  is  so  perilous  to  your  dignity  as 
a  gentleman.  You  lay  yourself  open  to  both  censure 
and  ridicule,  and  you  may  feel  sure  that,  for  every  person 
who  laughs  with  you,  two  are  laughing  at  you,  and  for 
one  who  admires  you,  two  will  watch  your  antics  with 
secret  contempt. 

Avoid  boasting.  To  speak  of  your  money,  connec- 
tions, or  the  luxuries  at  your  command  is  in  very  bad 
taste.  It  is  quite  as  ill-bred  to  boast  of  your  intimacy 
with  distinguished  people.  If  their  names  occur  natur- 
ally in  the  course  of  conversation,  it  is  very  well ;  but  to 

be   constantly   quoting,   ''my  friend.   Gov.    C ,"  or 

"my  intimate  friend,  the  president,"  is  pompous  and  in 
bad  taste. 

While  refusing  the  part  of  jester  yourself,  do  not,  by 
stiff  manners,  or  cold,  contemptuous  looks,  endeavor  to 
check  the  innocent  mirth  of  others.  It  is  in  excessively 
bad  taste  to  drag  in  a  grave  subject  of  conversation 
when  pleasant,  bantering  talk  is  going  on  around  you. 
Join  in  pleasantly  and  forget  your  graver  thoughts  for 
the  time,  and  you  will  win  more  popularity  than  if  you 
chill  the  merry  circle  or  turn  their  innocent  gayety  to 
grave  discussions. 

When  thrown  into  the  society  of  literary  people,  do 
not  question  them  about  their  works.  To  speak  in 
terms  of  admiration  of  any  w^ork  to  the  author  is  in  bad 
taste ;  but  you  may  give  pleasure,  if,  by  a  quotation  from 


26  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

their  writings,  or  a  happy  reference  to  them,  you  prove 
that  you  have  read  and  appreciated  them. 

It  is  extremely  rude  and  pedantic,  when  engaged  in 
general  conversation,  to  naake  quotations  in  a  foreign* 
language. 

To  use  phrases  which  admit  of  a  double  meaning,  is 
ungentlemanly,  and,  if  addressed  to  a  lady,  they  become 
positively  insulting. 

If  you  find  you  are  becoming  angry  in  a  conversation, 
either  turn  to  another  subject  or  keep  silence.  You 
may  utter,  in  the  heat  of  passion,  words  which  you  would 
never  use  in  a  calmer  moment,  and  which  you  would  bit- 
terly repent  when  they  were  once  said. 

"Never  talk  of  ropes  to  a  man  whose  father  was 
hanged"  is  a'  vulgar  but  popular  proverb.  Avoid  care- 
fully subjects  which  may  be  construed  into  personalities, 
and  keep  a  strict  reserve  upon  family  matters.  Avoid, 
if  you  can,  seeing  the  skeleton  in  your  friend's  closet, 
but  if  it  is  paraded  for  your  special  benefit,  regard  it  as 
a  sacred  confidence,  and  never  betray  your  knowledge  to 
a  third  party. 

If  you  have  traveled,  although  you  will  endeavor  to 
improve  your  mind  in  such  travel,  do  not  be  constantly 
speaking  of  your  journeyings.  Nothing  is  more  tire- 
some than  a  man  who  commences  every  phrase  with, 
"  When  I  was  in  Paris,"  or,  "  In  Italy  I  saw -." 

When  asking  questions  about  persons  who  are  not 
known  to  you,  in  a  drawing-room,  avoid  using  adjectives; 
or  you  may  enquire  of  a  mother,  "Who  is  that  awkward, 
ugly  girl?"  and  be  answered,  "Sir,  thaj;  is  my  daugh- 
ter." 


CONVERSATION.  27 

Avoid  gossip  ;  in  a  woman  it  is  detestable,  but  in  a  man 
it  is  utterly  despicable. 

Do  not  officiously  offer  assistance  or  advice  in  general 
society.     Nobody  will  thank  yDU  for  it. 

Ridicule  and  practical  joking  are  both  marks  of  a 
vulgar  mind  and  low  breeding. 

Avoid  flattery.  A  delicate  complitoent  is  permissible 
in  conversation,  but  flattery  is  broad,  coarse,  and  to 
sensible  people,  disgusting.  If  you  flatter  your  superiors, 
they  will  distrust  you,  thinking  you  have  some  selfish 
end ;  if  you  flatter  ladies,  they  will  despise  you,  thinking 
you  have  no  other  conversation. 

A  lady  of  sense  will  feel  more  complimented  if  you 
converse  with  her  upon  instructive,  high  subjects,  than 
if  you  address  to  her  only  the  language  of  compliment. 
In  the  latter  case  she  will  conclude  that  you  consider 
her  incapable  of  discussing  higher  subjects,  and  you 
cannot  expect  her  to  be  pleased  at  being  considered 
merely  a  silly,  vain  person,  who  must  be  flattered  into 
good  humor. 

Avoid  the  evil  of  giving  utterance  to  inflated  expres- 
sions and  remarks  in  common  conversation. 

It  is  a  somewhat  ungrateful  task  to  tell  those  who  would 
shrink  from  the  imputation  of  a  falsehood  that  they  are 
in  the  daily  habit  of  uttering  untruths  ;  and  yet,  if  I 
proceed,  no  other  course  than  this  can  be  taken  by  me. 
It  is  of  no  use  to  adopt  half  measures ;  plain  speaking 
saves  a  deal  of  trouble. 

The  examples  about  to  be  given  by  me  of  exaggerated 
expressions,  are  only  a  few  of  the  many  that  are  con- 
stantly in  use.     Whether  you  can  acquit  yourselves  of 


28  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

the  charge  of  occasionally  using  them,  I  cannot  tell; 
but  I  dare  not  affirm  for  myself  that  I  am  altogether 
guiltless. 

"  I  was  caught  in  the  wet  last  night,  the  rain  came 
down  in  torrents:"  Most  of  us  have  been  out  in  heavy 
rains ;  but  a  torrent  of  water  pouring  down  from  the 
skies  would  a  little  surprise  us,  after  all.  • 

"  I  am  wet  to  the  skin,  and  have  not  a  dry  thread 
upon  me."  Where  these  expressions  are  once  used  cor- 
rectly, they  are  used  twenty  times  in  opposition  to  the 
truth. 

"I  tried  to  overtake  him,  but  in  vain;  for  he  ran 
like  lightning."  The  celebrated  racehorse  Eclipse  is 
said  to  have  run  a  mile  in  a  minute,  but  poor  Eclipse  is 
left  sadly  behind  by  this  expression. 

"  He  kept  me  standing  out  in  the  cold  so  long,  I 
thought  I  should  have  waited  for  ever."  There  is  not 
a  particle  of  probability  that  such  a  thought  could  have 
been  for  one  moment  entertained. 

"  As  I  came  across  the  common,  the  wind  was  as 
keen  as  a  razor."  This  is  certainly  a  very  keen  remark, 
but  the  worst  of  it  is  that  its  keenness  far  exceeds  its 
correctness. 

" I  went  to  the  meeting,  but  had  hard  work  to  get  in; 
for  the  place  was  crowded  to  suffocation."  In  this  case, 
in  justice  to  the  veracity  of  the  relater,  it  is  necessary  to 
suppose  that  successful  means  had  been  used  for  his 
recovery. 

"  It  must  have  been  a  fine  sight ;  I  would  have  given 
the  world  to  have  seen  it."  Fond  as  most  of  us  are  of 
sight-seeing,  this  would  be  buying  pleasure  at  a  dear 


CONVERSATION.  29 

price  indeed;,  but  it  is  an  easy  thing  to  proffer  to  part 
with  that  which  we  do  not  possess. 

"It  made  me  quite  low  spirited;  my  heart  felt  as 
heavy  as  lead."  We  most  of  us  know  what  a  heavy 
heart  is ;  but  lead  is  by  no  means  the  most  correct  meta- 
phor to  use  in  speaking  of  a  heavy  heart. 

"  I  could  hardly  find  my  way,  for  the  night  was  as 
dark  as  pitch."  I  am  afraid  we  have  all  in  our  turn 
calumniated  the  sky  in  this  manner;  pitch  is  many 
shades  darker  than  the  darkest  night  we  have  ever 
known. 

"  I  have  told  him  of  that  fault  fifty  times  over."  Five 
times  would,  in  all  probability,  be .  much  nearer  the  fact 
than  fifty. 

"I  never  closed  my  eyes  all  night  long."  If  this  be 
true,  you  acted  unwisely ;  for  had  you  closed  your  eyes, 
you  might,  perhaps,  have  fallen  asleep,  and  enjoyed  the 
blessing  of  refreshing  slumber ;  if  it  be  not  true,  you 
acted  more  unwisely  still,  by  stating  that  as  a  fact  which 
is  altogether  untrue. 

"  He  is  as  tall  as  a  church-spire."  I  have  met  with 
some  tall  fellows  in  my  time,  though  the  spire  of  a 
church  is  somewhat  taller  than  the  tallest  of  them. 

"  You  may  buy  a  fish  at  the  market  as  big  as  a  jack- 
ass, for  five  shillings."  I  certainly  have  my  doubts 
about  this  matter ;  but  if  it  be  really  true,  the  market 
people  must  be  jackasses  indeed  to  sell  such  large  fishes 
for  so  little  money. 

"  He  was  so  fat  he  could  hardly  come  in  at  the  door." 
Most  likely  the  difficulty  here  alluded  to  was  never  felt 
by  any  one  but  the  relator ;  supposing  it  to  be  other- 


30  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

wise,  the  man  mast  have  been  very  broad  or  the  door 
very  narrow. 

"  You  don't  say  so  ! — why,  it  was  enough  to  kill  him  !'* 
The  fact  that  it  did  not  kill  him  is  a  sufficient  reply  to 
this  unfounded  observation ;  but  no  remark  can  be  too 
absurd  for  an  unbridled  tongue. 

Thus  might  I  run  on  for  an  hour,  and  after  all  leave 
much  unsaid  on  the  subject  of  exaggerated  expressions. 
We  are  hearing  continually  the  comparisons,  "  black  as 
soot,  white  as  snow,  hot  as  fire,  cold  as  ice,  sharp  as  a 
needle,  dull  as  a  door-nail,-  light  as  a  feather,  heavy  as 
•lead,  stiff  as  a  poker,  and  crooked  as  a  crab-tree,"  in 
cases  where  such  expressions  are  quite  out  of  order. 

The  practice  of  expressing  ourselves  in  this  inflated 
and  thoughtless  way,  is  more  mischievous  than  we  are 
aware  of.  It  certainly  leads  us  to  sacrifice  truth ;  to 
misrepresent  what  we  mean  faithfully  to  describe ;  to 
whiten  our  own  characters,  and  sometimes  to  blacken 
the  reputation  of  a  neighbor.  There  is  an  uprightness 
in  speech  as  well  as  in  action,  that  we  otight  to  strive 
hard  to  attain.  The  purity  of  truth  is  sullied,  and  the 
standard  of  integrity  is  lowered,  by  incorrect  observa- 
tions. Let  us  reflect  upon  this  matter  freely  and  faith- 
fully. Let  us  love  truth,  follow  truth,  and  practice  trutk 
in  our  thoughts,  our  words,  and  our  deeds. 


POLITENESS.  81 


CHAPTER    II. 

POLITENESS. 

Real  politeness  is  the  outward  expression  of  the  most 
generous  impulses  of  the  heart.  It  enforces  unselfish- 
ness, benevolence,  kindness,  and  the  golden  rule,  "Do 
unto  others  as  you  would  others  should  do  unto  you.'* 
Thus  its  first  principle  is  love  for  the  neighbor,  loving 
him  as  yourself. 

When  in  society  it  would  often  be  exceedingly  difficult 
to  decide  how  to  treat  those  who  are  personally  disa- 
greeable to.  us,  if  it  were  not  for  the  rules  of  politeness, 
and  the  little  formalities  and  points  of  etiquette  which 
these  rules  enforce.  These  evidences  of  polite  breeding 
do  not  prove  hypocrisy,  as  you  may  treat  your  most  bit- 
ter enemy  with  perfect  courtesy,  and  yet  make  no  pro- 
testations of  friendship. 

If  politeness  is  but  a  mask,  as  many  philosophers  tell 
us,  it  is  a  mask  which  will  win  love  and  admiration,  and 
is  better  worn  than  cast  aside.  If  you  wear  it  with  the 
sincere  desire  to  give  pleasure  to  others,  and  make  all 
the  little  meetings  of  life  pass  off  smoothly  and  agreea- 
bly, it  will  soon  cease  to  be  a  mask,  but  you  will  find 
that  the  manner  which  you  at  first  put  on  to  give  plea- 
sure, has  become  natural  to  you,  and  wherever  you  have 


02  GENTLEMEN  S   BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

assumed  a  virtue  to  please  others,  you  will  find  the  vir- 
tue becoming  habitual  and  finally  natural,  and  part  of 
yourself. 

Do  not  look  upon  the  rules  of  etiquette  as  deceptions. 
They  are  just  as  often  vehicles  for  the  expression  of 
sincere  feeling,  as  they  are  the  mask  to  conceal  a  want 
of  it. 

You  will  in  society  meet  with  men  who  rail  against 
politeness,  and  call  it  deceit  and  hypocrisy.  Watch 
these  men  when  they  have  an  object  to  gain,  or  are  de- 
sirous of  making  a  favorable  impression,  and  see  them 
tacitly,  but  unconsciously,  admit  the  power  of  courtesy, 
by  dropping  for  the  time,  their  uncouth  ways,  to  afiect 
the  politeness,  they  oftentimes  do  not  feel. 

Pass  over  the  defects  of  others,  be  prudent,  discreet, 
at  the  proper  time  reserved,  yet  at  other  times  frank, 
and  treat  others  with  the  same  gentle  courtesy  you 
would  wish  extended  to  yourself. 

True  politeness  never  embarrasses  any  one,  because 
its  first  object  is  to  put  all  at  their  ease,  while  it  leaves 
to  all  perfect  freedom  of  action.  You  must  meet  rude- 
ness from  others  by  perfect  politeness  and  polish  of 
manner  on  your  own  part,  and  you  will  thus  shame 
those  who  have  been  uncivil-  to  you.  You  will  more 
readily  make  them  blush  by  your  courtesy,  than  if  you 
met  their  rudeness  by  ill  manners  on  your  own  part. 

While  a  favor  may  be  doubled  in  value,  by  a  frankly 
courteous  manner  of  granting  it,  a  refusal  will  lose  half 
its  bitterness  if  your  manner  shows  polite  regret  at  your 
inability  to  oblige  him  who  asks  the  favor  at  your  hand. 

Politeness  may  be  extended  to  the  lowest  and  mean- 


POLITENESS.  83 

est,  and  you  will  never  by  thus  extending  it  detract 
from  your  own  dignity.  A  gentleman  may  and  will 
treat  his  washerwoman  with  respect  and  courtesy,  and 
his  boot-black  with  pleasant  affability,  yet  preserve  per- 
fectly his  own  position.  TTo  really  merit  the  name  of  a 
polite,  finished  gentleman,  you  must  be  polite  at  all  times 
and  under  all  circumstances.  \ 

There  is  a  difference  between  politeness  and  etiquette. 
Keal  politeness  is  in-born,  and  may  exist  in  the  savage, 
while  etiquette  is  the  outward  expression  of  politeness 
reduced  to  the  rules  current  in  good  society. 

A  man  may  be  polite,  really  so  in  heart,  yet  show  in 
every  movement  an  ignorance  of  the  rules  of  etiquette, 
and  offend  against  the  laws  of  society.  You  may  find 
him  with  his  elbows  upon  the  table,  or  tilting  his  chair 
in  a  parlor.  You  may  see  him  commit  every  hour  gross 
breaches  of  etiquette,  yet  you  will  never  hear  him  inten- 
tionally utter  one  word  to  wound  another,  you  will  see 
that  he  habitually  endeavors  to  make  others  comfortable, 
choosing  for  them  the  easiest .  seats,  or  the  daintiest 
dishes,  and  putting  self  entirely  aside  to  contribute  to 
the  pleasure  of  all  around  him.  Such  a  man  will  learn, 
by  contact  with  refined  society,  that  his  Ignorance  of  the 
rules  which  govern  it,  make  him,  at  times,  disagreeable, 
and  from  the  same  unselfish  motive  which  prompts  him 
to  make  a  sacrifice  of  comfort  for  the  sake  of  others,  he 
will  watch  and  learn  quickly,  almost  by  Instinct,  where  he 
offends  against  good  breeding,  drop  one  by  one  his  errors 
in  etiquette,  and  become  truly  a  gentleman. 

On  the  other  hand,  you  will  meet  constantly.  In  the 

best  society,  men  whose  polish  of  manner  is  exquisite, 
3 


34  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

who  will  perform  to  the  minutest  point  the  niceties  of 
good  breeding,  who  never  commit  the  least  act  that  is 
forbidden  by  the  strictest  rules  of  etiquette  ;  yet  under 
all  this  mask  of  chivalry,  gallantry,  and  politeness  will 
carry  a  cold,  selfish  heart;  will,  with  a  sweet  smile, 
graceful  bow,  and  elegant  language,  wound  deeply  the 
feelings  of  others,  and  while  passing  in  society  for  mod- 
els of  courtesy  and  elegance  of  manner,  be  in  feeling  as 
cruel  and  barbarous  as  the  veriest  savage. 

So  I  would  say  to  you.  Cultivate  your  heart.  Cherish 
there  the  Christian  graces,  love  for  the  neighbor,  un- 
selfishness, charity,  and  gentleness,  and  you  will  be  truly 
a  gentleman ;  add  to  these  the  graceful  forms  of  eti- 
quette, and  you  then  become  a  perfect  gentleman. 

Etiquette  exists  in  every  corner  of  the  known  world, 
from  the  savages  in  the  wilds  of  Africa,  who  dare  not, 
upon  penalty  of  death,  approach  their  barbarous  rulers 
without  certain  forms  and  ceremonies,  to  the  most  refined 
circles  of  Europe,  where  gentle  chivalry  and  a  cultivated 
mind  suggest  its  rules.  It  has  existed  in  all  ages,  and 
the  stringency  of  its  laws  in  some  countries  has  given 
rise  to  both  ludicrous  and  tragic  incidents. 

la  countries  where  royalty  rules  the  etiquette,  it  often 
happens  that  pride  will  blind  those  who  make  the  rules, 
and  the  results  are  often  fatal.  Believing  that  the  same 
deference  which  their  rank  authorized  them  to  demand, 
was  also  due  to  them  as  individuals,  the  result  of  such 
an  idea  was  an  etiquette  as  vain  and  useless  as  it  was 
absurd. 

For  an  example  I  will  give  an  anecdote  : 

"  The  kings  of  Spain,  the  proudest  and  vainest  of  all 


POLITENESS.  35 

kings  of  the  earth,  made  a  rule  of  etiquette  as  stupid  as 
it  was  useless.  It  was  a  fault  punishable  "by  death  to 
touch  the  foot  of  the  queen,  and  the  individual  who  thus 
offended,  no  matter  under  what  circumstances,  was  exe- 
cuted  immediately. 

A  young  queen  of  Spain,  wife  of  Charles  the  Second, 
was  riding  on  horseback  in  the  midst  of  her  attendants. 
Suddenly  the  horse  reared  and  threw  the  queen  from  the 
saddle.  Her  foot  remained  in  the  stirrup,  and  she  was 
dragged  along  the  ground.  An  immense  crowd  stood 
looking  at  this  spectacle,  but  no  one  dared,  for  his  life, 
to  attempt  to  rescue  the  poor  woman.  She  would  have 
died,  had  not  two  young  French  officers,  ignorant  of  the 
stupid  law  which  paralyzed  the  Spaniards,  sprung  for- 
ward and  saved  her.  One  stopped  the  horse,  and  whilst 
he  held  the  bridle,  his  companion  disengaged  from  its 
painful  position  the  foot  of  the  young  queen,  who  was, 
by  this  time,  insensible  from  fear  and  the  bruises  which 
she  had  already  received.  They  were  instantly  arrested, 
and  while  the  queen  was  carried  on  a  litter  to  the  palace, 
her  young  champions  were  marched  off,  accompanied  by 
a  strong  guard,  to  prison.  The  next  day,  sick  and  fee- 
ble, the  queen  was  obliged  to  leave  her  bed,  and  on  her 
knees  before  the  king,  plead  for  the  pardon  of  the  two 
Frenchmen ;  and  her  prayer  was  only  granted  upon  con- 
dition that  the  audacious  foreigners  left  Spain  immedi- 
ately. 

There  is  no  country  in  the  world  where  the  absurdities 
of  etiquette  are  carried  to  so  great  a  length  as  in  Spain, 
because  there  is  no  nation  where  the  nobility  are  so 


86  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

proud.     The  following  anecdote,  which  illustrates  this, 
would  seem  incredible  were  it  not  a  historical  fact: 

''  Philip  the  Third,  king  of  Spain,  was  sick,  and  being 
able  to  sit  up,  was  carefully  placed  in  an  arm  chair  which 
stood  opposite  to  a  large  fire,  when  the  wood  was  piled 
up  to  an  enormous  height.  The  heat  soon  became  in- 
tolerable, and  the  courtiers  retired  from  around  the  king; 
but,  as  the  Duke  D'Ussede,  the  fire  stirrer  for  the  king, 
■was  not  present,  and  as  no  one  else  had  the  right  to 
touch  the  fire,  those  present  dared  not  attempt  to  diminish 
the  heat.  The  grand  chamberlain  was  also  absent,  and 
he  alone  was  authorized  to  touch  the  king's  footstool. 
The  poor  king,  too  ill  to  rise,  in  vain  implored  those 
around  him  to  move  his  chair,  no  one  dared  touch  it,  and 
when  the  grand  chamberlain  arrived,  the  king  had  fainted 
with  the  heat,  and  a  few  days  later  he  died,  literally 
roasted  to  death." 

At  almost  all  times,  and  in  almost  all  places,  good 
breeding  may  be  shown  ;  and  we  think  a  good  service 
will  be  done  by  pointing  out  a  few  plain  and  simple  in- 
stances in  which  it  stands  opposed  to  habits  and  manners, 
which,  though  improper  and  disagreeable,  are  not  very 
uncommon. 

In  the  familiar  intercourse  of  society,  a  well-bred  man 
will  be  known  by  the  delicacy  and  deference  with  which 
he  behaves  towards  females.  That  man  would  deservedly 
be  looked  upon  as  very  deficient  in  proper  respect  and 
feeling,  who  should  take  any  physical  advantage  of  one 
of  the  weaker  sex,  or  offer  any  personal  slight  towards 
her.  "Woman  looks,  and  properly  looks,  for  protection 
to  man.     If  is  the  province  of  the  husband  to  shield  the 


POLITENESS.  8^' 

wife  from  injury  ;  of  tlie  father  to  protect  the  daughter; 
the  brother  has  the  same  duty  to  perform  towards  the 
sister ;  and,  in  general,  every  man  should,  in  this  sense, 
be  the  champion  and  the  lover  of  every  woman.  Not 
only  should  he  be  ready  to  protect,  but  desirous  to  please, 
and  willing  to  sacrifice  much  of  his  own  personal  ease 
and  comfort,  if,  by  doing  so,  he  can  increase  those  of 
any  female  in  whose  company  he  mny  find  himself.  Put- 
ting these  principles  into  practice,  a  well-bred  man,  in 
his  own  house,  will  be  kind  and  respectful  in  his  be- 
haviour to  every  female  of  the  family.  He  will  not  use 
towards  them  harsh  language,  even  if  called  upon  to  ex- 
press dissatisfaction  with  their  conduct.  In  conversation, 
he  will  abstain  from  every  allusion  which  would  put 
modesty  to  the  blush.  He  will,  as  much  as  in  his  power, 
lighten  their  labors  by  cheerful  and  voluntary  assistance. 
He  will  yield  to  them  every  little  advantage  which  may 
occur  in  the  regular  routine  of  domestic  life  : — the  most 
comfortable  seat,  if  there  be  a  difference ;  the  warmest 
position  by  the  winter's  fireside  ;  the  nicest  slice  from  the 
family  joint,  and  so  on. 

In  a  public  assembly  of  any  kind,  a  well-bred  man 
will  pay  regard  to  the  feelings  and  wishes  of  the  females 
by  whom  he  is  surrounded.  He  will  not  secure  the  best 
seat  for  himself,  and  leave  the  women  folk  to  take  care 
of  themselves.  He  will  not  be  seated  at  all,  if  the  meet- 
ing be  crowded,  and  a  single  female  appear  unaccomo- 
dated. 

•Good  breeding  will  keep  a  person  from  making  loud 
and  startling  noises,  from  pushing  past  another  in  entering 
or  going  out  of  a  room ;  from  ostentatiously  using  a  pock- 


38  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

et-handkerchief ;  from  hawking  and  spitting  in  company; 
from  fidgeting  any  part  of  the  body ;  from  scratching 
the  head,'  or  picking  the  teeth  with  fork  or  with  finger. 
In  short,  it  will  direct  all  who  study  its  rules  to  abstain 
from  every  personal  act  which  may  give  pain  or  offence 
to  another's  feelings.  At  the  same  ihue,  it  will  enable 
them  to  bear  much  without  taking  ofTrnce.  It  will  teach 
them  when  to  speak  and  when  to  be  silent,  and  how  to 
behave  with  due  respect  to  all.  By  attention  to  the 
rules  of  good  breeding,  and  more  especially  to  its  leading 
principles,  "the  poorest  man  will  be  entitled  to  the  char- 
acter of  a  gentleman,  and  by  inattention  to  them,  the 
most  wealthy  person  will  be  essentially  vulgar.  Vul- 
garity signifies  coarseness  or  indelicacy  of  manner,  and 
is  not  necessarily  associated  with  poverty  or  lowliness  of 
condition.  Thus  an  operative  artizan  may  be  a  gentle- 
man, and  worthy  of  our  particular  esteem ;  while  an 
opulent  merchant  may  be  only  a  vulgar  clown,  with 
whom  it  is  impossible  to  be  on  terms  of  friendly  inter- 
course." 

The  following  remarks  upon  the  "  Character  of  a  Gen- 
tleman" by  Brooke  are  so  admirable  that  I  need  make 
no  apology  for  quoting  them  entire.  He  says;  "  There 
is  no  term,  in  our  language,  more  common  than  that  of 
'  Gentleman ;'  and,  whenever  it  is  heard,  all  agree  in 
the  general  idea  pf  a  man  some  way  elevated  above  the 
vulgar.  Yet,  perhaps,  no  two  living  are  precisely  agreed 
respecting  the  qualities  they  think  requisite  for  consti- 
tuting this  character.  When  we  hear  the  epithets  of  a 
'fine  Gentleman,'  'a  pretty  Gentleman,'  'much  of  a 
Gentleman,'   '  Gentlemanlike,'  '  something  of  a  Gentle- 


POLITENESS,  .  S9 

man,'  *  nothing  of  a  Gentleman,'  and  so  forth  ;  all  tlxcse 
different  appelations  must  intend  a  peculiarity  annexed 
to  the  ideas  of  those  who  express  them  ;  thong^n  no  two 
of  them,  as  I  said,  may  agree  in  the  constituent  qualities 
of  the  character  they  have  formed  in  their  own  mind. 
There  have  been  ladies  who  deemed  fashionable  dress  a 
very  capital  ingredient  in  the  composition  of — a  Gentle- 
man. A  certain  easy  impudence  acquired  by  low  peo- 
ple, by  casually  being  conversant  in  high  life.,  has  passed 
a  man  current  through  many  companies  for — a  Gentle- 
man. In  taverns  and  brothels,  he  who  is  the  most  of  a 
bully  is  the  most  of — a  Gentleman.  4nd  the  highway- 
man, in  his  manner  of  taking  your  purse,  may  however  X^ 
be  allowed  to  have — much  of  the  Gentleman.  Plato, 
among  the  philosophers,  was  *  the  most  of  a  man  of 
fashion  ;'  and  therefore  allowed,  at  the  court  of  Syracuse, 
to  be — the  most  of  a  Gentleman.  Eut  seriou'sly,  i  ap- 
prehend that  this  character  is  pretty  much  upon  the 
modern.  In  all  ancient  or  dead  languages  we  have  no 
term,  any  way  adequate,  whereby  we  may  express  it. 
In  the  habits,  manners,  and  characters  of  old  Sparta 
and  old  Rome,  we  find  an  antipathy  to  all  the  elements 
of  modern  gentility.  Among  these  rude  and  unpolished 
people,  you  read  of  philosophers,  of  orators,  of  patriots, 
heroes,  and  demigods ;  but  you  never  hear  of  any  char- 
acter so  elegant  as  that  of — a  pretty  Gentleman. 

"  When  those  nations,  however,  became  refined  into 
what  their  ancestors  would  have  called  corruption ;  when 
luxury  introduced,  and  fashion  gave  a  sanction  to  cer 
tain  sciences,  which  Cynics  would  have  branded  with  the 
ill   mannered   appellations    of    drunkenness,    gambling, 


40  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette 

cheating,  lying,  &c. ;  the  practitioners  assumed  the  new 
title  of  Gentlemen,  till  such  Gentlemen  became  as  plen- 
teous as*  stars  in  the  milky-waj,  and  lost  distinction 
merely  by  the  confluence  of  their  lustre.  Wherefore  as 
the  said  qualities  were  found  to  be  of  ready  acquisition, 
and  of  easy  descent  to  the  populace  from  their  betters, 
ambition  judged  it  necessary  to  add  further  marks  and 
criterions  for  severing  the  general  herd  from  the  nobler 
Sf  icies— of  Gentlemen. 

"  Accordingly,  if  the  "commonalty  were  observed  to 
have  a  propensity  to  religion,  their  superiors  affected  a 
disdain  of  such  vulgar  prejudices ;  and  a  freedom  that 
cast  off  the  restraints  of  morality,  and  a  courage  that 
spurned  at  the  fear  of  a  God,  were  accounted  the  distin- 
guishing characteristics — of  a  Gentleman.' 

''  If  the  populace,  as  in  China,  were  industrious  and 
ingenious,  the  grandees,  by  the  length  of  their  nails  and 
the  cramping  of  their  limbs,  gave  evidence  that  true  dig- 
nity was  above  labor  and  utility,  and  that  to  be  born  to 
no  end  was  the  prerogative — of  a  Gentleman. 

"  If  the  common  sort,  by  their  conduct,  declared  a 
respect  for  the  institutions  of  civil  society  and  good  gov- 
ernment ;  their  betters  despised  such  pusillanimous  con- 
formity, and  the  magistrates  paid  becoming  regard  to 
the  distinction,  and  allowed  of  the  superior  liberties  and 
privileges — of  a  Gentlem.an. 

"  If  the  lower  set  show  a  sense  of  common  honesty 
and  common  order;  those  who  would  figure  in  the  world, 
think  it  incumbent  to  demonstrate  that  complaisance  to 
inferiors,  common  manners,  common  equity,  or  any  thing 


POLITENESS.  41 

common,  is  quite  beneath  the  attention  or  sphere — of  a 
Gentleman. 

"Now,  as  unilerlings  are  ever  ambitious  of  imitating 
and  usurping  the  manners  of  their  superiors;  and  as  this 
state  of  mortality  is  incident  to  perpetual  change  and 
revolution,  it  may  happen,  that  when  the  populace,  by 
encroaching  on  the  province  of  gentility,  have  arrived  to 
their  ne  plus  ultra  of  insolence,  irreligion,  &c. ;  the  gen- 
try, in  order  to  be  again  distinguished,  may  assume  the 
station  that  their  inferiors  had  forsaken,  and,  however 
ridiculous  the  supposition  may  appear  at  present,  hu- 
manity, equity,  utility,  complaisance,  and  piety,  may  in 
time  come  to  be  the  distinguishing  characteristics — of  a 
Gentleman. 

"  It  appears  that  the  most  general  idea  which  people 
have  formed  of  a  Gentleman,  is  that  of  a  person  of  for 
tune  above  the  vulgar,  and  embellished  by  manners  that 
are  fashionable  in  high  life.  In  this  case,  fortune  and 
fashion  are  the  two  constituent  ingredients  in  the  com- 
position of  modern  Gentlemen  ;  for  whatever  the  fashion 
may  be,  whether  moral  or  immoral,  for  or  against  reason, 
right  or  wrong,  it  is  equally  the  duty  of  a  Gentleman  to 
conform.  And  yet  I  apprehend,  that  true  gentility  la 
altogether  independent  of  fortune  or  fashion,  of  time, 
customs,  or  opinions  of  any  kind.  The  very  same  quali- 
ties that  constituted  a  gentleman,  in  the  first  age  of  the 
world,  are  permanently,  invariably,  and  Indispensably 
necessary  to  the  constitution  of  the  same  character  to 
the  end  of  time. 

"  Hector  was  the  finest  gentleman  of  whom  we  read  in 
history,  and  Don  Quixote  the  finest  gentleman  we  read 


42  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

of  in  romance  ;  as  was  instanced  from  the  tenor  of  their 
principles  and  actions. 

"  Some  time  after  the  battle  of  Cressy,  Edward  the 
Third  of  England,  and  Edward  the  Black  Prince,  the 
more  than  heir  of  his  father's  renown,  pressed  John  King 
of  France  to  indulge  them  with  the  pleasure  of  his  com- 
pany at  London.  John  was  desirous  of  embracing  the 
.invitation,  and  accordingly  laid  the  proposal  before  his 
parliament  at  Paris.  The  parliament  objected,  that  the 
invitation  had  been  made  with  an  insidious  design  of 
seizing  his  person,  thereby  to  make  the  cheaper  and 
easier  acquisition  of  the  crown,  to  which  Edward  at  that 
time  pretended.  But  John  replied^  with  some  warmth, 
that  he  was  confident  his  brother  Edward,  and  morty 
especially  his  young  cousin,  were  too  much  of  the  gen- 
tleman, to  treat  him  in  that  manner.  He  did  not  saj 
too  much  of  the  king,  of  the  hero,  6r  of  the  saint,  but 
too  much  of  the  gentleman  to  be  guilty  of  any  base- 
ness. 

*'  The  sequel  verified  this  opinion.  At  the  battle  of 
Poictiers  King  John  was  made  prisoner,  and  soon  aftei 
conducted  by  the  Black  Prince  to  England.  The  prince 
entered  London  in  triumph,  amid  the  throng  and  accla- 
mations of  millions  of  the  people.  But  then  this  rather 
appeared  to  be  the  triumph  of  the  French  king  than 
that  of  his  conqueror.  John  was  seated  on  a  proud 
steed,  royally  robed,  and  attended  by  a  numerous  and 
gorgeous  train  of  the  British  nobility ;  while  his  con- 
queror endeavored,  as  much  as  possible,  to  disappear, 
and  rode  by  his  side  in  plain  attire,  and  degradingly 
seated  on  a  little  Irish  hobby. 


POLITENESS.  43 

"As  Aristotle  and  the  Critics  derived  their  rules  for 
epic  poetry  and  the  sublime  from  a  poem  which  Homer 
had  written  long  before  the  rules  were  formed,  o^  laws 
established  for  the  purpose  :  thus,  from  the  demeanor 
and  innate- principles  of  particular  gentlemen,  art  has 
borrowed  and  instituted  the  many  modes  of  behaviour, 
which  the  world  has  adopted,  under  the  title  of  good 
manners. 

"  One  quality  of  a  gentleman  is  that  of  charity  to  the 
poor ;  and  this  is  delicately  instanced  in  the  account 
which  Don  Quixote  gives,  to  his  fast  friend  Sancho  Pan- 
cha,  of  the  valorous  but  yet  more  pious  knight-errant 
Saint  "Martin.  On  a  day,  said  the  Don,  Saint  Martin 
met  a  poor  man  half  naked,  and  taking  his  cloak  from 
his  shoulders,  he  divided,  and  gave  him  the  one  half. 
Now,  tell  me  at  what  time  of  the  year  this  happened. 
Was  I  a  witness  ?  quoth,  Sancho ;  how  the  vengeance 
should  I  know  in  what  year  or  what  time  of  the  year  it 
happened  ?  Hadst  thou  Sancho,  rejoined  the  knight, 
anything  within  thee  of  the  sentiment  of  Saint  Martin, 
thou  must  assuredly  have  known  that  this  happened  in 
winter ;  for,  had  it  been  summer,  Saint  Martin  would 
had  given  the  whole  cloak. 

"  Another  characteristic  of  the  true  gentleman,  is  a 
delicacy  of  behaviour  toward  that  sex  whom  nature  has 
entitled  to  the  protection,  and  consequently  entitled  to 
the  tenderness,  of  man. 

"  The  same  gentleman-errant,  entering  into  a  wood 
on  a  summer's  evening,  found  himself  entangled  among 
nets  of  green  thread  that,  here  and  there,  hung  from 
tree  to  tree ;  and  conceiving  it  some  matter  of  purposed 


44  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

conjuration,  pushed  valorously  forward  to  break  through 
the  enchantment.  Hereupon  some  beautiful  shepherd- 
esses interposed  with  a  cry,  and  besought  him  to  spare 
the  implements  of  their  innocent  recreation.  The  knight, 
surprised  and  charmed  by  the  vision,  replied, — Fair 
creatures  !  my  province  is  to  protect,  not  to  injure  ;  to 
seek  all  means  of  service,  but  never  of  offence,  more  es- 
pecially to  any  of  your  sex  and  apparent  excellences. 
Your  pretty  nets  take  up  but  a  small  piece  of  favored 
ground ;  but,  did  they  inclose  the  world,  I  would  seek 
out  new  worlds,  whereby  I  might  win  a  passage,  rather 
than  break  them. 

*'  Two  very  lovely  but  shamefaced  girls  had  a  cause, 
of  -ome  consequence,  depending  at  Westminster,  that 
indispensably  required  their  personal  appearance.  They 
were  relations  of  Sir  Joseph  Jeckel,  and,  on  this  tre- 
mendous occasion,  requested  his  company  and  counte- 
nance at  the  court.  Sir  Joseph  attended  accordingly ; 
and  the  cause  being  opened,  the  judge  demanded  whethei 
he  was  to  entitle  those  ladies  %  the  denomination  of 
spinsters.  *  No,  my  Lord,'  said  Sir  Joseph ; '  they  are  lilies 
of  the  valley,  they  toil  not,  neither  do  they  spin,  yet 
you  see  that  no  monarch,  in  all  his  glory,  was  ever  ar- 
rayed like  one  of  these.* 

"  Another  very  peculiar  characteristic  of  a  gentleman 
is,  the  giving  place  arid  yielding  to  all  with  whom  he  has 
to  do.  Of  this'we  have  a  shining  and  affecting  instance 
in  Abraham,  perhaps  the  most  accomplished  character 
that  may  be  found  in  history,  whether  sacred  or  profane. 
A  contention  had  arisen  between  the  herdsmen  of  Abra- 
ham and  the  herdsmen  of  his  nephew,  Lot,  respecting 


POLITENESS.  45 

the  propriety  of  the  pasture  of  the  lands  wherein  they 
dwelled,  that  could  now  scarce  contain  the  abundance  of 
their  cattle.  And  those  servants,  as  is  universally  the 
case,  had  respectively  endeavored  to  kindle  and  inflame 
their  masters  with  their  own  passions.  When  Abraham, 
in  consequence  of  this,  perceived  that  the  countenance 
of  Lot  began  to  change  toward  him,  he  called,  and  gen- 
erously expostulated  with  him  as  followeth  :  '  Let  there 
be  no  strife,  I  pray  thee,  between  me  and  thee,  or  be- 
tween my  herdsmen  and  thy  herdsmen  ;  for  we  be 
brethren.  If  it  be  thy  desire  to  separate  thyself  from 
me,  is  not  the  whole  land  before  thee  ?  If  thou  wilt 
take  the  left  hand,  then  will  I  go  to  the  right;  or  if 
thou  depart  to  the  right  hand,  then  I  will  go  to  the  left.* 

*' Another  capital  quality  of  the  true  gentleman  is, 
that  of  feeling  himself  concerned  and  interested  in 
others.  Never  was  there  so  benevolent,  so  aff*ecting,  so 
pathetic  a  piece  of  oratory  exhibited  upon  earth,  as  that 
of  Abraham's  pleading  with  God  for  averting  the  judg- 
ments that  then  impended  over  Sodom.  But  the  matter 
is  already  so  generally  celebrated,  that  I  am  constrained 
to  refer  my  reader  to  the  passage  at  full;  since  the 
smallest  abridgment  must  deduct  from  its  beauties,  and 
that  nothing  can  be  added  to  the  .excellences  thereof. 

*'  Honor,  again,  is  said,  in  Scripture,  peculiarly  to 
distinguish  the  character  of  a  gentleman  ;  where  it  is 
written  of  Sechem,  the  son  of  Hamor,  '  that  he  WfvS 
more  honorable  than  all  the  house  of  his  father.' 

"  From  hence  it  may  be  inferred,  that  human  excel 
lence,  or  human   amiableness,  doth  not  so  much  consist 
in  a  freedom  from  frailty  as  in  our  recovery  from  lapses. 


46  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

our  detestation  of  our  own  transgressions,  and  our  de- 
sire of  atoning,  by  all  possible  means,  the  injuries  we 
have  done,  and  the  offences  we  have  given.  Herein, 
therefore,  may  consist  the  very  singular  distinction  which 
the  great  apostle  makes  between  his  estimation  of  a  just 
and  of  a  good  man.  '  For  a.  just  or  righteous  man,'  say* 
he,  '  one  would  grudge  to  die ;  but  for  a  good  man  one 
would  even  dare  to  die.'  Here  the  just  man  is  supposed 
to  adhere  strictly  to  the  rule  of  right  or  equity,  and  to 
exact  from  others  the  same  measure  that  he  is  satisfied 
to  mete ;  but  the  good  man,  though  occasionally  he  may 
fall  short  oif  justice,  has,  properly  speaking,  no  measure 
to  his  benevolence,  his  general  propensity  is  to  give  more 
than  the  due.  The  just  man  condemns,  and  is  desirous 
of  punishing  the  transgressors  of  the  line  prescribed  to 
himself;  but  the  good  man,  in  the  sense  of  his  own  falls 
and  failings,  gives  latitude,  indulgence,  and  pardon  to 
others ;  he  judges,  he  condemns  no  one  save  himself. 
The  just  man  is  a  stream  that  deviates  not  to  the  right 
or  left  from  its  appointed  channel,  neither  is  swelled  by 
the  flood  of  passion  above  its  banks ;  but  the  heart  of 
the  good  man,  the  man  of  honor,  the  gentleman,  is  as  a 
lamp  lighted  by  the  breath  of  God,  and  none  save  God 
himself  can  set  limits  to  the  efflux  or  irradiations  thereof. 
"  Again,  the  gentleman  never  envies  any  superior  ex- 
cellence, but  grows  himself  more  excellent,  by  being  the 
admirer,  promoter,  and  lover  thereof.  Saul  said  to  his 
son  Jonathan,  '  Thou  son  of  the  perverse,  rebellious 
woman,  do  not  I  know  that  thou  hast  chosen  the  son  of 
Jesse  to  thine  own  confusion  ?  For  as  long  as  the  son 
of  Jesse  liveth  upon  the  ground,  thou  shalt  not  be  es- 


POLITENESS.  47 

tablished,  nor  thy  kingdom  ;  wherefore  send  and  fetch 
him  unto  me,  for  he  shall  surely  die.'  Here  every  in- 
teresting motive  that  can  possibly  be  conceived  to  have 
an  influence  on  man,  united  to  urge  Jonathan  to  the  de- 
struction of  David ;  he  would  thereby  have  obeyed  his 
king,  and  pacified  a  father  who  was  enraged  against  him. 
He  would  thereby  have  removed  the  only  luminary  that 
then  eclipsed  the  brightness  of  his  own  achievements. 
And  he  saw,  as  his  fiither  said,  that  the  death  of  David 
alone  could  establish  the  kingdom  in  himself  and  his 
posterity.  But  all  those  considerations  were  of  no  avail 
to  make  Jonathan  swerve  from  honor,  to  slacken  the 
bands  of  his  faith,  or  cool  the  warmth  of  his  friendship. 
0  Jonathan  !  the  sacrifice  which  thou  then  madest  to 
virtue,  was  incomparably  more  illustrious  in  the  sight  of 
God  and  his  angels  than  all  the  subsequent  glories  to 
which  David  attained.  What  a  crown  was  thine,  '  Jona- 
than, when  thou  wast  slain  in  thy  high  places  !' 

"  Saul  of  Tarsus  had  been  a  man  of  bigotry,  blood, 
and  violence ;  making  havoc,  and  breathing  out  threat- 
enings  and  slaughter,  against  all  who  were  not  of  his 
own  sect  and  persuasion.  But,  when  the  spirit  -of  that 
Infant,  who  laid  himself  in  the  manger  of  human  flesh, 
came  upon  him,  he  acquired  a  new  heart  and  a  new  na- 
ture ;  and  he  off'ered  himself  a  willing  subject  to  all  tlio 
sufferings  and  persecutions  which  he  had  brought  upon 
others. 

"  Saul  from  that  time,  exemplified  in  his  own  person, 
all  those  qualities  of  the  gentleman,  which  he  after- 
wards specifies  in  his  celebrated  description  of  that 
charity,    which,    as   he    says,    alone   endureth   forever. 


48  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

When  Festus  cried  with  a  loud  voice,  '  Paul,  thou  art 
beside  thyself,  much  learning  doth  make  thee  mad;* 
Paul  stretched  the  hand,  and  answered,  '  I  am  not  mad, 
most  noble  Festus,  but  speak  forth  the  words  of  truth 
and  soberness.  For  the  king  knoweth  of  these  things, 
before  whom  also  I  speak  freely ;  for  I  am  persuaded 
that  none  of  these  things  are  hidden  from  him.  King 
Agrippa,  believest  thou  the  prophets  ?  I  know  that  thou 
belie  vest.'  Then  Agrippa  said  unto  Paul,  ^Almost  thou 
persuadest  me  to  be  a  Christian.'  And  Paul  said,  '  I 
would  to  God  that  not  only  thou,  but  also  all  that  hear 
me  this  day,  were  not  only  almost  but  altogether  such  as 
I  am, — except  these  bonds.'  Here,  with  what  an  inimit- 
able elegance  did  this  man,  in  his  own  person,  at  once 
sum  up  the  orator,  the  saint,  and  the  gentleman ! 

'*From  these  instances,  my  friend,  you  must  have 
seen  that  the  character,  or  rather  quality  of  a  gentle- 
man, does  not,  in  any  degree,  depend  on  fashion  or 
mode,  on  station  or  opinion  ;  neither  changes  with  cus- 
toms, climate,  or  ages.  But,  as  the  Spirit  of  God  can 
alone  inspire  it  into  man,  so  it  is,  as  God  is  the  same, 
yesterday,  to-day,  and  forever." 

In  concluding  this  chapter  I  would  say : 
^'In  the  common  actions  and  transactions  of  life, 
there  is  a  wide  distinction  between  the  well-bred  and  the 
ill-bred.  If  a  person  of  the  latter  sort  be  in  a  superior 
condition  in  life,  his  conduct  towards  those  below  him, 
or  dependent  upon  him,  is  marked  by  haughtiness,  or  by 
unmannerly  condescension.  In  the  company  of  his 
equals  in  station  and  circumstances,  an  ill-bred  man  is 


POLITENESS.  49. 

either  captious  and  quarrelsome,  or  offensively  familiar. 
He  does  not  consider  that : 

'  The  man  who  hails  you  Tom  or  Jack, 
And  proves,  by  thumps  upon  your  back, 

How  he  esteems  your  merit, 
Is  such  a  friend,  that  one  had  need 
Be  very  much  a  friend  indeed, 
To  pardon  or  to  bear  it/ 

"  And  if  a  man  void  of  good  breeding  have  to  transact 
business  with  a  superior  in  wealth  or  situation,  it  is  more 
than  likely  that  he  will  be  needlessly  humble,  uninten- 
tionally insolent,  or,  at  any  rate,  miserably  embarrassed. 
On  the  contrary,  a  well-bred  person  will  instinctively 
avoid  all  these  errors.  *  To  inferiors,  he  will  speak 
kindly  and  considerately,  so  as  to  relieve  them  from  any 
feeling  of  being  beneath  him  in  circumstances.  To 
equals,  he  will  be  plain,  unaffected,  and  courteous.  To 
superiors,  he  will  know  how  to  show  becoming  respect, 
without  descending  to  subserviency  or  meanness.  In 
short,  he  will  act  a  manly,  inoffensive,  and  agreeable 
part,  in  all  the  situations  in  life  in  which  he  may  be 
placed.'  " 
4 


50  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER    III. 

TABLE   ETIQUETTE. 

It  may  seem  a  very  simple  thing  to  eat  your  meals, 
yet  there  is  no  occasion  upon  which  the  gentleman,  and 
the  low-bred,  vulgar  man  are  more  strongly  contrasted, 
than  when  at  the  table.  The  rules  I  shall  give  for  table 
etiquette  when  in  company  will  apply  equally  well  for 
the  home  circle,  with  the  exception  of  some  few  points, 
readily  discernible,  which  may  be  omitted  at  your  own 
table. 

A  well-bred  man,  receiving  an  invitation  to  dine  with 
a  friend  should  reply  to  it  immediately,  whether  he  ac- 
cepts or  declines  it. 

He  should  be  punctual  to  the  hour  named  in  the  invi- 
tation, five  or  ten  minutes  earlier  if  convenient,  but  not 
one  instant  later.  He  must  never,  unless  he  has  previously 
asked  permission  to  do  so,  take  with  him  any  friend  not 
named  in  his  invitation.  His  host  and  hostess  have  the 
privilege  of  inviting  whom  they  will,  and  it  is  an  imper- 
tinence to  force  them  to  extend  their  hospitality,  as  they 
must  do  if  you  introduce  a  friend  at  their  own  house. 

Speak,  on  entering  the  parlor  of  your  friend,  first  to 
the  hostess,  then  to  the  host. 

When  dinner  is  announced,  the  host  or  hostess  will 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  61 

give  the  signal  for  leaving  the  drawing-room,  and  you 
will  probably  be  requested  to  escort  one  of  the  ladies  to 
the  table.  Offer  to  her  your  left  arm,  and  at  the  table 
wait  until  she  is  seated,  indeed  wait  until  every  lady  is 
seated,  before  taking  your  own  place. 

In  leaving  the  parlor  you  will  pass  out  first,  and  the 
lady  will  follow  you,  still  holding  your  arm.  At  the 
door  of  the  dining-room^  the  lady  will  drop  your  arm. 
Pass  in,  then  wait  on  one  side  of  the  entrance  till  she 
passes  you,  to  her  place  at  the  table. 

If  there  are  no  ladies,  you  may  go  to  the  table  with 
any  gentleman  who  stands  near  you,  or  with  whom  you 
may  be  conversing  when  dinner  is  announced.  If  your 
companion  is  older  than  yourself,  extend  to  him  the 
same  courtesy  which  you  would  use  towards  a  lady. 

There  are  a  thousand  little  points  to  be  observed  in 
your  conduct  at  table  Avhich,  while  they  are  not  abso- 
lutely necessary,  are  yet  distinctive  marks  of  a  well-bred 
man. 

If,  when  at  home,  you  practice  habitually  the  courte- 
sies of  the  table,  they  will  sit  upon  you  easily  when 
abroad ;  but  if  you  neglect  them  at  home,  you  will  use 
them  awkwardly  when  in  company,  and  you  will  find 
yourself  recognized  as  a  man  who  has  "  company  man- 
ners," only  when  abroad. 

I  have  seen  men  who  eat  soup,  or  chewed  their  food, 
in  so  noisy  a  manner  as  to  be  heard  from  one  end  of  the 
table  to  the  other ;  fill  their  mouths  so  full  of  food,  as  to 
threaten  suffocation  or  choking ;  use  their  own  knife  for 
the  butter,  and  salt ;  put  their  fingers  in  the  sugar  bowl ; 
and  commit  other  faults  quite  as  monstrous,  yet  seem 


62  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

perfectly  unconscious  that  they  were  doing  anything  to 
attract  attention. 

Try  to  sit  easily  and  gracefully,  but  at  the  same  time 
avoid  crowding  those  beside  you. 

Far  from  eating  with  avidity  of  whatever  delicaciea 
which  may  be  upon  the  table,  and  which  are  often  served 
in  small  quantities,  partake  of  them  but  sparingly,  and 
decline  them  when  offered  the  second  time. 

Many  men  at  their  own  table  have  little  peculiar  no- 
tions, which  a  guest  does  well  to  respect.  Some  will 
feel  hurt,  even  offended,  if  you  decline  a  dish  which  they 
recommend ;  while  others  expect  you  to  eat  enormously, 
as  if  they  feared  you  did  not  appreciate  their  hospitality 
unless  you  tasted  of  every  dish  upon  the  table.  Try  to 
pay  respect  to  such  whims  at  the  table  of  others,  but 
avoid  having  any  such  notions  when  presiding  over  your 
own  board. 

Observe  a  strict  sobriety ;  never  drink  of  more  than 
one  kind  of  wine,  and  partake  of  that  sparingly. 

The  style  of  serving  dinner  is  different  at  different 
houses ;  if  there  are  many  servants  they  will  bring  you 
your  plate  filled,  and  you  must  keep  it.  If  you  have 
the  care  of  a  lady,  see  that  she  has  what  she  desires, 
before  you  give  your  own  order  to  the  waiter ;  but  if 
there  are  but  few  domestics,  and  the  dishes  are  upon  the 
table,  yoii  may  with  perfect  propriety  help  those  near 
you,  from  any  dish  within  your  reach. 

If  your  host  or  hostess  passes  you  a  plate,  keep  it, 
especially  if  you  have  chosen  the  food  upon  it,  for  others 
have  also  a  choice,  and  by  passing  it,  you  may  give  your 


TABLE   ETIQUETTE.  58 

neighbor  dishes  distaseful  to  him,  and  take  yourself 
those  which  he  would  much  prefer. 

If  in  the  leaves  of  your  salad,  or  in  a  plate  of  fruit 
you  find  a  worm  or  insect,  pass  your  plate  to  the  waiter, 
without  any  comment,  and  he  will  bring  you  another. 

Be  careful  to  avoid  the  extremes  of  gluttony  or  over 
daintiness  at  table.  To  eat  enormously  is  disgusting ; 
but  if  you  eat  too  sparingly,  your  host  may  think  that 
you  despise  his  fare. 

Watch  that  the  lady  whom  you  escorted  to  the  table 
is  well  helped.  Lift  and  change  her  plate  for  her,  pass 
her  bread,  salt,  and  butter,  give  her  orders  to  the  waiter, 
and  pay  her  every  attention  in  your  power. 

Before  taking  your  place  at  table,  wait  until  your 
place  is  pointed  out  to  you,  unless  there  are  cards  bear- 
ing the  names  of  the  guests  upon  the  plates ;  in  the  latter 
case,  take  the  place  thus  marked  for  you. 

Put  your  napkin  upon  your  lap,  covering  your  knees. 
It  is  out  of  date,  and  now  looked  upon  as  a  vulgar  habit 
to  put  your  napkin  up  over  your  breast. 

Sit  neither  too  near  nor  too  far  from  the  table.  Never 
hitch  up  your  coat-sleeves  or  wristbands  as  if  you  were 
going  to  wash  your  hands.  Some  men  do  this  habitu- 
ally, but  it  is  a  sign  of  very  bad  breeding. 

Never  tip  your  chair,  or  lounge  back  in  it  during 
dinner. 

All  gesticulations  are  out  of  place,  and  in  bad  taste  at 
the  table.     Avoid  making  them. 

Converse  in  a  low  tone  to  your  neighbor,  yet  not  with 
any  air  of  secresy  if  others  are  engaged  in  tSte-d-tSte 
if,  however,  the  conversation  is  general, 


54  gentlemen's  book  op  etiquette. 

avoid  conversing  tete-d-tete.  Do  not  raise  your  voice 
too  much ;  if  you  cannot  make  those  at  some  distance 
from  you  hear  you  when  speaking  in  a  moderate  tone, 
confine  your  remarks  to  those  near  you. 

If  you  wish  for  a  knife,  plate,  or  anything  from  the 
Bide  table,  never  address  those  in  attendance  as  "Waiter  ij' 
as  you  would  at  a  hotel  or  restaurant,  but  call  one  of 
them  by  name ;  if  you  cannot  do  this,  niake  him  a  sign 
without  speaking. 

Unless  you  are  requested  to  do  so,  never  select  any 
particular  part  of  a  dish ;  but,  if  your  host  asks  you 
what  part  you  prefer,  name  some  part,  as  in  this  case  the 
incivility  would  consist  in  making  your  host  choose  as 
well  as  carve  for  you. 

Never  blow  your  soup  if  it  is  too  hot,  but  wait  until 
it  cools.  Never  raise  your  plate  to  your  lips,  but  eat 
with  your  spoon. 

Never  touch  either  your  knife  or  your  fork  until  after 
you  have  finished  eating  your  soup.  Leave  your  spoon 
in  your  soup  plate,  that  the  servant  may  remove  them 
both.     Never  take  soup  twice. 

In  changing  your  plate,  or  passing  it  during  dinner, 
remove  your  knife  and  fork,  that  the  plate  alone  may  be 
taken,  but  after  you  have  finished  your  dinner,  cro_ss  the 
k^«ufe_and_fQ£kjHi--t]ifi-platfi,  that  the  servant  may  take 
all  away,  before  bringing  you  clean  ones  for  dessert. 

Do  not  bite  your  bread  from  the  roll  or  slice,  nor  cut 
it  with  your  knife  ;  break  off  small  pieces  and  put  these 
in  your  mouth  with  your  fingers. 

At  dinner  do  not  put  butter  on  your  bread.  Never 
dip  a  piece  of  bread  into  the  gravy  or  preserves  upoii 


TABLE  ETIQUETTE.  55 

your  plate  and  then  bite  it,  but  if  you  wish  to  eat  them 
together,  break  the  bread  into  small  pieces,  and  carry 
these  to  your  mouth  with  your  fork. 

Use  always  the  salt-spoon,  sugar-tongs,  and  butter 
knife ;  to  use  your  own  knife,  spoon,  or  fingers,  evinces 
a  shocking  want  of  good-breeding. 

Never  criticize  any  dish  before  you. 

If  a  dish  is  distasteful  to  you,  decline  it,  but  make  no 
remarks  about  it.  It  is  sickening  and  disgusting  to  ex- 
plain at  a  table  how  one  article  makes  you  sick,  or  why 
some  other  dish  has  become  distasteful  to  you.  I  have 
seen  a  well-dressed  tempting  dish  go  from  a  table  un- 
touched, because  one  of  the  company  told  a  most  disgust- 
ing anecdote  about  finding  vermin  served  in  a  similar  dish. 
No  wit  in  the  narration  can  excuse  so  palpably  an  error 
of  politeness. 

Never  put  bones,  or  the  seeds  of  fruit  upon  the  table- 
cloth.    Put  them  upon  the  edge  of  your  plate. 

Never  use  your  knife  for  any  purpose  but  to  cut  your 
food.  It  is  not  meant  to  be  put  in  your  mouth.  Your 
fork  is  intended  to  carry  the  food  from  your  plate  to 
your  mouth,  and  ao  gentleman  ever  eats  with  his  knife. 

If  the  meat  or  fish  upon  your  plate  is-  too  rare  or  too 
well-done,  do  not  eat  it ;  give  for  an  excuse  that  you 
prefer  some  other  dish  before  you ;  but  never  tell  your 
host  that  his  cook  has  made  the  dish  uneatable. 

Never  speak  when  you  have  anything  in  your  mouth. 
Never  pile  the  food  on  your  plate  as  if  you  were  starv- 
ing, but  take  a  little  at  a  time ;  the  dishes  will  not  run 
away. 

Never  use  your   own  knife  and  fork  to  help  either 


66  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

yourself  or  others.  There  is  always  one  before  the  dish 
at  every  well-served  table,  and  you  should  use  that. 
^  It  is  a  good  plan  to  accustom  yourself  to  using  your 
fork  with  the  left  hand,  when  eating,  as  you  thus  avoid 
the  awkwardness  of  constantly  passing  the  fork  from  your 
left  hand  to  your  right,  and  back  again,  when  cutting 
your  food  and  eating  it. 

Never  put  fruit  or  bon-bons  in  your  pocket  to  carry 
them  from  the  table. 

Do  not  cut  fruit  with  a  steel  knife.  Use  a  silver 
one. 

Never  eat  so  fast  as  to  hurry  the  others  at  the  table, 
nor  so  slowly  as  to  keep  them  waiting. 

If  you  do  not  take  wine,  never  keep  the  bottle  stand- 
ing before  you,  but  pass  it  on.  If  you  do  take  it,  pass 
it  on  as  soon  as  you  have  filled  your  glass. 

If  you  wish  to  remove  a  fish  bone  or  fruit  seed  from 
^your  mouth,  cover  your  lips  with  your  hand  or  napkin, 
that  others  may  not  see  you  remove  it. 

If  you  wish  to  use  your  handkerchief,  and  have  not 
time  to  leave  the  table,  turn  your  head  away,  and  as 
quickly  as  possible  put  the  handkerchief  in  your  pocket 
again. 

Always  wipe  your  mouth  before  drinking,  as  nothing 
is  more  ill-bred  than  to  grease  your  glass  with  your 
lips. 

If  you  are  invited  to  drink  with  a  friend,  and  do  not 
drink  wine,  bow,  raise  your  glass  of  water  and  drink 
with  him. 

Do  not  propose  to  take  wine  with  your  host ;  it  is  his 
privilege  to  invite  you. 


TABLE   ETIQUETTE.  57 

Do  not  put  your  glass  upside  down  on  the  table  to 
fiignify  that  you  do  not  wish  to  drink  any  more ;  it  is 
sufficient  to  refuse  firmly.  Do  not  be  persuaded  to  touch 
another  drop  of  wine  after  your  own  prudence  warns 
you  that  you  have  taken  enough. 

Avoid  any  air  of  mystery  when  speaking  to  those 
next  you ;  it  is  ill-bred  and  in  excessively  bad  taste. 

If  you  wish  to  speak  of  any  one,  or  to  any  one  at  the 
table,  call  them  by  name,  but  never  point  or  make  a 
signal  when  at  table. 

When  taking  coffee,  never  pour  it  into  your  saucer, 
but  let  it  cool  in  the  cup,  and  drink  from  that, 
t/  If  at  a  gentleman's  party,  never  ask  any  one  to  sing 
or  tell  a  story ;  your  host  alone  has  the  right  thus  to  call 
upon  his  guests. 

V  If  invited  yourself  to  sing,  and  you  feel  sufficiently 
sure  that  you  will  give  pleasure,  comply  immediately  with 
the  request. 

i  If,  however,  you  refuse,  remain  firm  in  your  refusal, 
as  to  yield  after  once  refusing  is  a  breach  of  etiquette. 

When  the  finger-glasses  are  passed,  dip  your  fingers 
into  them  and  then  wipe  them  upon  your  napkin. 

Never  leave  the  table  till  the  mistress  of  the  house 
gives  the  signal. 

On  leaving  the  table  put  your  napkin  on  the  table, 
but  do  not  fold  it. 

Offer  your  arm  to  the  lady  whom  you  escorted  to  the 
table. 

It  is  excessively  rude  to  leave  the  house  as  soon  as 
dinner  is  over.     Respect  to  your  hostess  obliges  you  to  ^ 
stay  in  the  drawing-room  at  least  an  hour. 


58  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

If  the  ladies  withdraw,  leaving  the  gentlemen,  after 
dinner,  rise  when  they  leave  the  table,  and  remain 
■  standing  until  they  have  left  the  room. 

I  give,  from  a  recent  English  work,  some  humorously 
written  directions  for  table  etiquette,  and,  although  they 
are  some  of  them  repetitions  of  what  I  have  already 
given,  they  will  be  found  to  contain  many  useful  hints : 

"  We  now  come  to  habits  at  table,  which  are  very  im- 
portant. However  agreeable  a  man  may  be  in  society, 
if  he  offends  or  disgusts  by  his  table  traits,  he  will  soon 
be  scouted  from  it,  and  justly  so.  There  are  some  broad 
rules  for  behavior  at  table.  "Whenever  there  is  a  servant 
to  help  you,  never  help  yourself.  Never  put  a  knif^ 
into  your  mouth,  not  even  with  cheese,  which  should  be 
eaten  with  a  fork.  Never  use  a  spoon  for  anything  but 
liquids.     Never  touch  anything  edible  with  your  fingers, 

"Forks  were,  undoubtedly,  a  later  invention  than 
fingers,  but,  as  we  are  not  cannibals,  I  am  inclined  to 
think  they  were  a  good  one.  There  are  some  few  things 
which  you  may  take  up  with  your  fingers.  Thus  an 
epicure  will  eat  even  macaroni  with  his  fingers ;  and  as 
sucking  asparagus  is  more  pleasant  than  chewing  it,  you 
may,  as  an  epicure,  take  it  up  au  naturel.  But  both 
these  things  are  generally  eaten  with  a  fork.  Bread  is, 
of  course,  eaten  with  the  fingers,  and  it  would  be  absurd 
to  carve  it  with  your  knife  and  fork.  It  must,  on  the 
contrary,  always  be  broken  when  not^buttered,  and  you 
should  never  put  a  slice  of  dry  bread  to  your  mouth  to 
bite  a  piece  off.  Most  fresh  fruit,  too,  is  eaten  with  the 
natural  prongs,  but  when  you  have  peeled  an  orange  or 
apple,  you  should  cut  it  with  the  aid  of  the  fork,  unless 


TABLE   ETIQUETTE.  59 

you  can  succeed  in  breaking  it.  Apropos  of  which,  I 
may  hint  that  no  epicure  ever  yet  put  a  knife  to  an 
apple,  and  that  an  orange  should  be  peeled  with  a  spoon. 
But  the  art  of  peeling  an  orange  so  as  to  hold  its  own 
juice,  and  its  own  sugar  too,  is  one  that  can  scarcely  be 
taught  in  a  book. 

"  However,  let  us  go  to  dinner,  and  I  will  soon  tell 
you  whether  you  are  a  well-bred  man  or  not ;  and  here 
let  me  premise  that  what  is  good  manners  for  a  small 
dinner  is  good  manners  for  a  large  one,  and  vice  versd. 
Now,  the  first  thing  you  do  is  to  sit  down.  Stop,  sir ! 
pray  do  not  cram  yourself  into  the  table  in  that  way ; 
no,  nor  sit  a  yard  from  it,  like  that.  How  graceless,  in- 
convenient, and  in  the  way  of  conversation !  Why, 
dear  me !  you  are  positively  putting  your  elbows  on  the 
table,  and  now  you  have  got  your  hands  fumbling  about 
with  the  spoons  and  forks,  and  now  you  are  nearly 
knocking  my  new  hock  glasses  over.  Can't  you  take 
your  hands  down,  sir?  Didn't  you  learn  that  in  the 
nursery  ?  Didn't  your  mamma  say  to  you,  '  Never  put 
your  hands  above  the  table  except  to  carve  or  eat  V 
Oh!  but.  come,  no  nonsense,  sit  up,  if  you  please.  I 
can't  have  your  fine  head  of  hair  forming  a  side  dish  on 
my  table ;  you  must  not  bury  your  face  in  the  plate,  you 
came  to  show  it,  and  it  ought  to  be  alive.  Well,  but 
there  is  no  occasion  to  throw  your  head  back  like  that, 
you  look* like  an  alderman,  sir,  after  dinner.  Pray, 
don't  lounge  in  that  sleepy  way.  You  are  here  to  eat, 
drink,  and  be  merry.  You  can  sleep  when  you  get 
home. 

"  Well,  then,  I  suppose  you   can   see  your  napkin. 


60  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Got  none,  indeed !  Very  likely,  in  my  house.  You 
may  be  sure  that  I  never  sit  down  to  a  meal  without 
napkins.  I  don't  want  to  make  my  tablecloths  unfit  for 
use,  and  I  don't  want  to  make  my  trousers  unwearable. 
Well,  now,  we  are  all  seated,  you  can  unfold  it  on  your 
knees;  no,  no;  don't  tuck  it  into  your  waistcoat  like  an 
alderman ;  and  what !  what  on  earth  do  you  mean  by 
wiping  your  forehead  with  it?  Do  you  take  it  for  a 
towel  ?  Well,  never  mind,  I  am  consoled  that  you  did 
not  go  farther,  and  use  it  as  a  pocket-handkerchief.  So 
talk  away  to  the  lady  on  your  right,  and  wait  till  soup  is 
handed  to  you.  By  the  way,  that  waiting  is  the  most 
important  part  of  table  manners,  and,  as  much  as  possi- 
ble, you  should  avoid  asking  for  anything  or  helping 
yourself  from  the  table.  Your  soup  you  eat  with  a 
spoon — I  don't  know  what  else  you  could  eat  it  with — 
but  then  it  must  be  one  of  good  size.  Yes,  that  will  do, 
but  I  beg  you  will  not  make  that  odious  noise  in  drinking 
your  soup.  It  is  louder  than  a  dog  lapping  water,  and 
a  cat  would  be  quite  genteel  to  it.  Then  you  need  not 
scrape  up  the  plate  in  that  way,  nor  even  tilt  it  to  get 
the  last  drop.  I  shall  be  happy  to  send  you  some  more; 
but  I  must  just  remark,  that  it  is  not  the  custom  to  take 
two  helpings  of  soup,  and  it  is  liable  to  keep  other  people 
waiting,  which,  once  for  all,  is  a  selfish  and  intolerable 
habit.  But  don't  you  hear  the  servant  offering  you 
sherry  ?  I  wish  you  would  attend,  for  my  servants  have 
quite  enough  to  do,  and  can't  wait  all  the  evening  while 
you  finish  that  very  mild  story  to  Miss  Goggles.  Come, 
leave  that  decanter  alone.  I  had  the  wine  put  on  the 
table  to  fill  up ;  the  servants  will  hand  it  directly,  or,  as 


TABLE   ETIQUETTE.  61 

we  are  a  small  party,  I  will  tell  you  to  help  yourself; 
but,  pray,  do  not  be  so  officious.  (There,  I  have  sent 
him  soiiie  turbot  to  keep  him  quiet.  I  declare  he  cannot 
make  up  his  mind.)  You  are  keeping  my  servant  again, 
sir.  Will  you,  or  will  you  not,  do  turbot  ?  Don't  ex- 
amine it  in  that  way ;  it  is  quite  fresh,  I  assure  you ; 
take  or  decline  it.  Ah,  you  take  it,  but  that  is  no 
reason  why  you  should  take  up  a  knife  too.  Fish^JL^re- 
pcat^  must . ne Y^iiJji^^lQjAi^QiiL.'Bdi^^  Take  a  fork 

in  the  right  and  a  small  piece  of  bread  in  the  left  hand. 
Good,  but — ?  Oh !  that  is  atrocious  ;  of  course  you 
must  not  swallow  the  bones,  ^ut  you  should  rather  do  so 
than  spit  them  out  in  that  way.  Put  up  your  napkin 
like  this,  and  land  the  said  bone  on  your  plate.  Don't 
rub  your  head  in  the  sauce,  my  good  man,  nor  go  prog- 
ging  about  after  the  shrimps  or  oysters  therein.  Oh ! 
how  horrid !  I  dechire  your  mouth  was  wide  open  and 
full  of  fish.  Small  pieces,  I  beseech  you ;  and  once  for 
all,  whatever  you  eat,  keep  your  mouth  shut,  and  never 
attempt  to  talk  with  it  full. 

"  So  now  you  have  got  a  pat^.  Surely  you  are  not 
taking  two  on  your  plate.  There  is  plenty  of  dinner  to 
come,  and  one  is  quite  enough.  Oh  !  dear  me,  you  are 
incorrigible.  What  !  a  knife  to  cut  that  light,  brittle 
pastry  ?  No,  nor  fingers,  never.  Nor  a  spoon — almost 
as  bad.  Take  your  fork,  sir,  your  fork ;  and,  now  you 
have  eaten,  oblige  me  by  wiping  your  mouth  and  mous- 
tache with  your  napkin,  for  there  is  a  bit  of  the  pastry 
hanging  to  the  latter,  and  looking  very  disagreeable. 
Well,  you  can  refuse  a  dish  if  you  like.  There  is  no 
positive  necessity  for  you  to  take  venison  if  you  don't 


62  '       GENTLEMEN*S   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

want  it.  But,  at  any  rate,  do  not  be  in  that  terrific 
Lurry.  You  are  not  going  ofi"  by  the  next  train.  Wait 
for  the  sauce  and  wait  for  vegetables ;  but  whether  you 
eat  them  or  not,  do  not  begin  before  everybody  else. 
Surely  you  must  take  my  table  for  that  of  a  railway  re- 
freshment-room, for  you  have  finished  before  the  person 
I  helped  first.  Fast  eating  is  bad  for  the  digestion,  my 
good  sir,  and  not  very  good  manners  either.  What !  are 
you  trying  to  eat  meat  with  a  fork  alone  ?  Oh !  it  is 
sweetbread,  I  beg  your  pardon,  you  are  quite  right. 
Let  me  give  you  a  rule,^-Everything  that  can  be  cut 
without  a  knife,  should  be-  cut  with  a  fork  alone.  Eat 
your  vegetables,  .therefore,  with  a  fork.  No,  there  is  no 
necessity  to  take  a  spoon  for  peas ;  a  fork  in  the  right 
hand  will  do.  What !  did  I  really  see  you  put  your 
knife  into  your  mouth?  Then  I  must  give  you  up. 
Once  for  all,  and  ever,  the  knife  is  to  cut,  not  to  help 
with.  Pray,  do  not  munch  in  that  noisy  manner ;  chew 
your  food  well,  but  softly.  Eat  slowly.  Have  you  not 
heard  that  Napoleon  lost  the  battle  of  Leipsic  by  eating 
too  fast  ?  It  is  a  fact  though.  His  haste  caused  indi- 
gestion, which  made  him  incapable  of  attending  to  the 
details  of  the  battle.  You  see  you  are  the  last  person 
eating  at  table.  Sir,  I  will  not  allow  you  to  speak  to 
ray  servants  in  that  way.  If  they  are  so  remiss  as  to 
oblige  you  to  ask  for  anything,  do  it  gently,  and  in  a 
low  tone,  and  thank  a  servant  just  as  much  as  you  would 
his  master.  Ten  to  one  he  is  as  good  a  man  ;  and  be- 
cause he  is  your  inferior  in  position,  is  the  very  reason 
you  should  treat  him  courteously.  Oh !  it  is  of  no  use 
to  ask  me  to  take  wine;  far  from  pacifying  me,  it  will 


TABLE   ETIQUETTE.  63 

onlj  make  me  more  angry,  for  I  tell  you  the  custom  is 
quite  gone  out,  except  in  a  few  country  villages,  and  at 
a  mess-table.  Nor  need  you  ask  the  lady  to  do  so. 
However,  there  is  this  consolation,  if  you  should  ask  any 
one  to  take  wine  with  you,  he  or  she  cannot  refuse,  so 
you  have  your  own  way.  Perhaps  next  you  Vrill  be  ask- 
ing me  to  hob  and  nob,  or  trinquer  in  the  French  fashion 
with  arms  encircled.  Ah !  you  don't  know,  perhaps, 
that  when  a  lady  trinques  in  that  way  with  you,  you  have 
a  right  to  finish  off  with  a  kiss.  Very  likely,  indeed ! 
But  it  is  the  custom  in  familiar  circles  in  France,  but 
then  we  are  not  Frenchmen.  Will  you  attend  to  your 
lady,  sir?  You  did  not  come  merely  to  eat,  but  to  make 
yourself  agreeable.  Don't  sit  as  glum  as  the  Memnon  at 
Thebes;  talk  and  be  pleasant.  Now,  you  have  some 
pudding.  No  knife — noy  no.  A  spoon  if  you  like,  but 
better  still,  a  fork.  Yes,  ice  requires  a  spoon  ;  there  is 
a  small  one  handed  you,  take  that. 

"  Say  '  no.'  This  is  the  fourth  time  wine  has  been 
handed  to  you,  and  I  am  sure  you  have  had  enough. 
Decline  this  time  if  you  please.  Decline  that  dish  too. 
Are  you  going  to  eat  of  everything  that  is  handed  ?  I 
pity  you  if  you  do.  No,  you  must  not  ask  for  more 
cheese,  and  you  must  eat  it  with  your  fork.  Break  the 
rusk  with  your  fingers.  Good.  You  are  drinking  a 
glass  of  old  port.  Do  not  quaff  it  down  at  a  gulp  in 
that  way.  Never  drink  a  whole  glassful  of  anything  at 
once. 

"  Well^  here  is  the  wine  and  dessert.  Take  whichever 
wine  you  like,  but  remember  you  must  keep  to  that,  and 
not  change  about.     Before  you  go  up  stairs  I  will  allow 


64  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

you  a  glass  of  sherry  after  your  claret,  but  otherwise 
drihk  of  one  wine  only.  You  don't  mean  to  say  you  are 
helping  yourself  to  wine  before  the  ladies.  At  least, 
offer  it  to  the  one  next  to  you,  and  then  pass  it  on, 
gently,  not  with  a  push  like  that.  Do  not  drink  so  fast; 
you  will  hurry  me  in  passing  the  decanters,  if  I  see  that 
your  glass  is  empty.  You  need  not  eat  dessert  till  the 
ladies  are  gone,  but  offer  them  whatever  is  nearest  to 
you.  And  now  they  are  gone,  draw  your  chair  near 
mine,  and  I  will  try  and  talk  more  pleasantly  to  you. 
You  will  come  out  admirably  at  your  next  dinner  with 
all  my  teaching.  What !  you  are  excited,  you  are  talk- 
ing loud  to  the  colonel.  Nonsense.  Come  and  talk 
easily  to  me  or  to  your  nearest  neighbor.  There,  don't 
drink  any  more  wine,  for  I  see  you  are  getting  romantic. 
You  oblige  me  to  make  a  move.  You  have  had  enough 
of  those  walnuts  ;  you  are  keeping  me,  my  dear  sir.  So 
now  to  coffee  [one  cup]  and  tea,  which  I  beg  you  will 
not  pour  into  your  saucer  to  cool.  Well,  the  dinner  has 
done  you  good,  and  me  too.  Let  us  be  amiable  to  the 
ladies,  but  not  too  much  so." 

^'  Champ ^  champ ;  Smack,  smack  ;  Smack,  smack  ; 
Champ,  champ ; — It  is  one  thing  to  know  how  to  make  a 
pudding,  and  another  to  know  now  to  eat  it  when  made. 
Unmerciful  and  monstrous  are  the  noises  with  which  some 
persons  accompany  the  eating — no,  the  devouring  of  the 
food  for  which,  we  trust,  they  are  thankful.  To  sit 
down  with  a  company  of  such  masticators  is  like  joining 
*  a  herd  of  swine  feeding.'  Soberly,  at  no  time,  proba- 
bly, are  the  rules  of  good  breeding  less  regarded  than 
at  'feeding  time,'  and  at  no  place  is  a  departure  from 


TABLE   ETIQUETT^  G5 

these  rules  more  noticeable  than  at  table.  Some  persons 
gnaw  at  a  crust  as  dogs  gnaw  a  bone,  rattle  knives  and 
spoons  against  their  teeth  as  though  anxious  to  prove 
which  is  the  harder,  and  scrape  their  plates  with  an  en- 
ergy and  perseverance  which  would  be  very  commendable 
if  bestowed  upon  any  object  worth  the  trouble.  Others, 
in  defiance  of  the  old  nursery  rhyme — 

*  I  must  not  dip,  howe'er  I  wish, 
My  spoon  or  finger  in  the  dish  •/ 

are  perpetually  helping  themselves  in  this  very  straight- 
forward and  unsophisticated  manner.  Another,  with  a 
mouth  full  of  food  contrives  to  make  his  teeth  and  tongue 
perform  the  double  duty  of  chewing  and  talking  at  the 
same  time.  Another,  quite  in  military  style,  in  the  in- 
tervals* of  cramming,  makes  his  knife  and  fork  keep 
guard  over  the  jealously  watched  plate,  being  held  up- 
right on  either  side  in  the  clenched  fist,  like  the  musket 
of  a  raw  recruit.  And  another,  as  often  as  leisure  serves, 
fidgets  his  plate  from  left  to  right,  and  from  right  to  left, 
or  round  and  round,  until  the  painful  operation  of  feeding 
is  over. 

"  There  is,  we  know,  such  a  thing  as  being  '  too  nice' 
— 'more  nice  than  wise.'  It  is  quite  possible  to  be  fas- 
tidious. But  there  are  also  such  inconsiderable  mattersi 
as  decency  and  good  order ;  and  it  surely  is  better  to 
err  on  the  right  than  on  the  wrong  side  of  good  breed- 
ing." 


66  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

ETIQUETTE   IN   THE   STREET. 

A  GENTLEMAN  will  be  always  polite,  in  the  parlor, 
dining-room,  and  in  the  street.  This  last  clause  will 
especially  include  courtesy  towards  ladies,  no  matter 
what  may  be  their  age  or  position.  A  man  who  will 
annoy  or  insult  a  woman  in  the  street,  lowers  himself  to 
a  brute,  no  matter  whether  he  offends  by  look,  word,  or 
gesture.  There  are  several  little  forms  of  etiquette, 
given  below,  the  observance  of  which  will  mark  the  gen- 
tleman in  the  street. 

When  walking  with  a  lady,  or  with  a  gentleman  who 
is  older  than  yourself,  give  them  the  upper  side  of  the 
pavement,  that  is,  the  side  nearest  the  house. 

When  walking  alone,  and  you  see  any  one  coming  to- 
wards you  on  the  same  side  of  the  street,  give  the  upper 
part  of  the  pavement,  as  you  turn  aside,  to  a  man  who 
may  carry  a  heavy  bundle,  to  a  priest  or  clergyman,  to 
a  woman,  or  to  any  elderly  person. 

In  a  crowd  never  rudely  push  aside  those  who  impede 
your  progress,  but  wait  patiently  until  the  way  is  clear. 
If  you  are  hurried  by  business  of  importance  or  an  en- 
gagement, you  will  find  that  a  few  courteous  words  will 


ETIQUETTE   IN    THE   STREET.  67 

open  the  way  before  you  more  quickly  than  the  most 
violent  pushing  and  loud  talking. 

If  obliged  to  cross  a  plank,  or  narrow  path,  let  any 
lady  or  old  person  who  may  also  be  passing,  precede 
you.  In  case  the  way  is  slippery  or  in  any  way  unsafe, 
you  may,  with  perfect  propriety,  offer  to  assist  either  a 
a  lady  or  elderly  person  in-  crossing  it. 

Do  not  smoke  in  the  street  until  after  dark,  and  then 
remove  your  cigar  from  your  mouth,  if  you  meet  a  lady. 

Be  careful  about  your  dress.  You  can  never  know 
whom  you  may  meet,  so  it  is  best  to  never  leave  the 
house  otherwise  than  well-dressed.  Bright  colors,  and 
much  jewelry  are  both  unbecoming  to  a  gentleman  in 
the  street. 

Avoid  touching  any  one  with  your  elbows  in  passing, 
and  do  not  swing  your  arms  as  you  walk. 

Be  careful  when  walking  with  or  near  a  lady,  not  to 
put  your  foot  upon  her  dress. 

In  carrying  an  umbrella,  hold  it  so  that  you  can  see 
the  way  clear  before  you ;  avoid  striking  your  umbrella 
against  those  which  pass'  you ;  if  you  are  walking  with  a 
lady,  let  the  umbrella  cover  her  perfectly,  but  hold  it  so 
that  you  will  not  touch  her  bonnet.  If  you  have  the 
care  of  two  ladies,  let  them  carry  the  umbrella  between 
them,  and  walk  outside  yourself.  Nothing  can  be  more 
absurd  than  for  a  gentleman  to  walk  between  two  ladies, 
holding  the  umbrella  himself;  while,  in  this  way,  he  is 
perfectly  protected,  the  ladies  receive  upon  their  dresses 
and  cloaks  the  little  streams  of  water  which  run  from 
the  points  of  the  umbrella. 

In  case  of  a  sudden  fall  of  rain,  you  may,  with  per- 


68  gentlemen's  book  op  etiquette. 

feet  propriety,  oifer  jour  umbrella  to  a  lady  who  is  un- 
provided with  one.  If  she  accepts  it,  and  asks  your 
address  to  return  it,  leave  it  with  her  ;  if  she  hesitates, 
and  does  not  wish  to  deprive  you  of  the  use  of  it,  yau 
may  offer  to  accompany  her  to  her  destination,  and  then, 
do-  not  open  a  conversation ;  let  your  manner  be  respect- 
ful, and  when  you  leave  her,  let  her  thank  you,  assure 
her  of  the  pleasure  it  has  given  you  to  be  of  service, 
bow,  and  leave  her. 

In  meeting  a  lady  friend,  wait  for  her  to  bow  to  you, 
and  in  returning  her  salutation,  remove  your  hat.  To 
a  gentleman  you  may  bow,  merely  touching  your  hat, 
if  he  is  alone  or  with  another  gentleman  ;  but  if  he  has 
a  lady  with  him,  raise  your  hat  in  bowing  to  him.  If 
you  stop  to  speak  to  a  lady,  hold  your  hat  in  your  hand, 
until  she  leaves  you,  unless  she  requests  you  to  replace  it. 
With  a  gentleman  you  may  replace  it  immediately. 

Never  join  a  lady  whom  you  may  meet,  without  first 
asking  her  permission  to  do  so. 

If  you  stop  to  converse  with  any  one  in  the  street, 
stand  near  the  houses,  that  you  may  not  interfere  with 
others  who  are  passing. 

You  may  bow  to  a  lady  who  is  seated  at  a  window,  if 
you  are  in  the  street ;  but  you  must  not  bow  from  a 
window  to  a  lady  in  the  street. 

Do  not  stop  to  join  a  crowd  who  are  collected  round 
a  street  show,  or  street  merchant,  unless  you  wish  to 
pass  for  a  countryman  taking  a  holiday  in  the  city. 

If  you  stop  any  one  to  enquire  your  own  way,  or  if 
you  are  called  upon  to  direct  another,  remove  your  hat 
while  asking  or  answering  the  question. 


ETIQUETTE   IN   THE   STKEET.  "  69 

If  you  see  a  lady  leaving  a  carriage  unattended, 
or  hesitating  at  a  bad  crossing,  you  may,  with  pro- 
priety, offer  your  hand  or  arm  to  assist  her,  and 
having  seen  her  safely  upon  the  pavement,  bow,  and  pass 
on. 

In  a  car  or  omnibus,  when  a  lady  wishes  to  get  out, 
stop  the  car  for  her,  pass  up  her  fare,  and  in  an  omnibus 
alight  and  assist  her  in  getting  out,  bowing  as  you  leave 
her. 

Be  gentle,  courteous,  and  kind  to  children.  There 
is  no  surer  token  of  a  low,  vulgar  mind,  than  unkind- 
ness  to  little  ones  whom  you  may  meet  in  the  streets. 

A  true  gentleman  never  stops  to  consider  what  may  be 
the  position  of  any  woman  whom  it  is  in  his  power  to  aid 
in  the  screet.  He  will  assist  an  Irish  washerwoman  with 
her  large  basket  or  bundle  over  a  crossing,  or  carry  over 
the  little  charges  of  a  distressed  negro  nurse,  with  the 
same  geiitle  courtesy  which  he  would  extend  toward  the 
lady  who  was  stepping  from  her  private  carriage.  The 
true  spirit  of  chivalry  makes  the  courtesy  due  to  the  sex, 
not  to  tho  position  of  the  individual. 

When  you  are  escorting  a  lady  in  the  street,  polite- 
ness does  not  absolutely  require  you  to  curry  her  bundle 
or  pa/asol,  but  if  .you  are  gallant  you  will  do  so.  You 
must  l^gul&»te  your  walk  by  hers,  and  not  force  her  to 
keep  up  with  your  ordinary  pace.   • 

Watch  that  you  do  not  lead  her  into  any  bad  places, 
and  assist  her  carefully  over  each  crossing,  or  wet  place 
oh  the  pavement. 

If  you   are  walking  in   the   country,  and  pass    any 


70  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

streamlet,  offer  your  hand  to  assist  your  companion  in 
crossing. 

If  you  pass  over  a  fence,  and  she  refuses  your  assis- 
tance in  crossing  it,  walk  forward,  and  do  not  look  back, 
until  she  joins  you  again.  The  best  way  to  assist  a  lady 
over  a  fence,  is  to  stand  yourself  upon  the  upper  rail, 
and  while  using  one  hand  to  keep  a  steady  position, 
stoop,  offer  her  the  other,  and  with  a  firm,  steady  grasp, 
hold  her  hand  until  she  stands  beside  you ;  then  let  her 
go  down  on  the  other  side  first,  and  follow  her  when  she 
is  safe  upon  the  ground. 

In  starting  f^  a  walk  with  a  lady,  unless  she  is  a 
stranger  in  the  place  towards  whom  you  act  as  guide, 
let  her  select  your  destination. 

Where  there  are  several  ladies,  and  you  are  required 
to  escort  one  of  them,  select  the  elderly,  or  those  whose 
personal  appearance  will  probably  make  them  least  likely 
to  be  sought  by  others.  You  will  probably  be  repaid  by 
finding  them  very  intelligent,  and  with  a  fund  of  conver- 
sation. If  there  are  more  ladies  than  gentlemen,  you 
may  offer  an  arm  to  two,  with  some  jest  about  the  diffi- 
culty of  choosing,  or  the  double  honor  you  enjoy. 

Offer  your  seat  in  any  public  conve3^ance,  to  a  lady 
who  is  standing.  It  is  often  quite  as  great  a  kindness 
and  mark  of  courtesy  to  take  a  child  in  your  lap. 

When  with  a  lady  you  must  pay  her  expenses  as  well 
as  your  own  ;  if  she  offers  to  share  the  expense,  decline 
unless  she  insists  upon  it,  in  the  latter  case  yield  grace- 
fully. Many  ladies,  who  have  no  brother  or  father,  and 
are  dependent  upon  their  gentlemen  friends  for  escort, 
make  it  a  rule  to  be  under  no  pecuniary  obligations  to 


ETIQUETTE   IN   THE   STREET.  71 

them,  and  you  will,  in  such  a  case,  offend  more  by  in- 
insisting  upon  your  right  to  take  that  expense,  than  by 
quietly  pocketing  your  dignity  and  their  cash  together. 

I  know  many  gentlemen  will  cry  out  at  my  assertion; 
but  I  have  observed  this  matter,  and  know  many  ladies 
who  will  sincerely  agree  with  me  in  my  opinion. 

In  a  carriage  always  give  the  back  seat  to  the  lady 
or  ladies  accompanying  you.  If  you  have  but  one  lady 
with  you,  take  the  seat  opposite  to  her,  unless  she  invites 
you  to  sit  beside  her,  in  which  case  accept  her  offer. 

Never  put  your  arm  across  the  seat,  or  around  her, 
as  many  do  in  riding.  It  is  an  impertinence,  and  if  siie 
is  a  lady  of  refinement,  she  will  resent  it  as  such. 

If  you  offer  a  seat  in  your  carriage  to  a  lady,  or  ano- 
ther gentleman  whom  you  may  meet  at  a  party  or  picnic, 
take  them  home,  before  you  drive  to  your  own  destina- 
tion, no  matter  how  much  you  may  have  to  drive  out  of 
your  own  way. 

Be  the  last  to  enter  the  carriage,  the  first  to  leave  it. 
If  you  have  ladies  with  you,  offer  them  your  hand  to 
assist  them  in  entering  and  alighting,  and  you  should 
take  the  arm  of  an  old  gentleman  to  assist  him. 

If  offered  a  seat  in  the  carriage  o^a  gentleman  friend, 
stand  aside  for  him  to  get  in  first,  but  if  he  waits  for 
you,  bow  and  take  your  seat  before  he  does. 

When  driving  a  lady  in  a  two-seated  vehicle,  you 
should  assist  her  to  enter  the  carriage,  see  that  her  dress 
is  not  in  danger  of  touching  the  wheels,  and  that  her 
shawl,  parasol,  and  fan,  are  where  she  can  reach  them, 
before  you  take  your  own  seat.  If  she  wishes  to  stop, 
and  you  remain  with  the  horses,  you  should  alight  before 


72  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

she  does,  assist  her  in  alighting,  and  again  alight  to 
help  her  to  her  sent  when  she  returns,  even  if  you  keep 
your  place  on  ihe  seat  whilst  she  is  gone. 

When  attending  a  lady  in  a  horse-back  ride,  never 
mount  your  horse  until  she  is  ready  to  start.  Give  her 
your  hand  to  assist  her  in  mounting,  arrange  the  folds 
of  her  habit,  hand  her  her  reins  and  her  whip,  and  then 
take  your  own  seat  on  your  saddle. 

Let  her  pace  be  yours.  Start  when  she  does,  and  let 
her  decide  how  fast  or  slowly  she  will  ride.  Never  let 
the  head^  of  your  horse  pass  the  shoulders  of  hers,  and  be 
watchful  and  ready  to  render  her  any  assistance  she  may 
require. 

Never,  by  rapid  riding,  force  her  to  ride  faster  than 
she  may  desire. 

Never  touch  her  bridle,  reins,  or  whip,  except  she  par- 
ticularly requests  your  assistance,  or  an  accident,  or 
threat'ened  danger,  makes  it  necessary.  * 

If  there  is  dust  or  wind,  ride  so  as  to  protect  her  from 
it  as  far  as  possible. 

If  the  road  is  muddy  be  careful  that  you  do  not  ride 
BO  as  to  bespatter  her  habit.  It  is  best  to  ride  on  the 
side  away  from  that  upon  which  her  habit  falls.  Some 
ladies  change  their  side  in  riding,  from  time  to  time,  and 
you  must  watch  and  see  upon  which  side  the  skirt  falls, 
that,  on  a  muddy  day,  you  may  avoid  favoring  the  habit 
with  the  mud  your  horse's  hoofs  throw  up. 

If  you  ride  with  a  gentleman  older  than  yourself,  or 
one  who  claims  your  respect,  let  him  mount  before  you 
do.     Extend  the  same  courtesy  towards  any  gentleman 


ETIQUETTE   IN   THE   STKEET.  73 

whom  you  have  invited  to  accompany  you,  as  he  is,  for 
the  ride,  your  guest. 

The  honorable  place  is  on  the  right.  Give  this  to  a 
lady,  an  elderly  man,  or  your  guest. 

A  modern  writer  says  : — "  If  walking  with  a  female 
relative  or  friend,  a  well-bred  man  will  take  the  outer 
side  of  the  pavement,  not  only  because  the  wall-side  is 
the  most  honorable  side  of  a  public  walk,  but  also  be- 
cause it  is  generally  the  farthest  point  from  danger  in  the 
street.  If  walking  alone,  he  will  be  ready  to  offer  as- 
sistance to  any  female  whom  he  may  see  exposed  to  real 
peril  from  any  source.  Courtesy  and  manly  ccurage 
will  both  incite  him  to  this  line  of  conduct.  In  general, 
this  is  a  point  of  honor  which  almost  all  men  are  proud 
to  achieve.  It  has  frequently  happened  that  even  where 
the  savage  passions  of  men  have  been  excited,  and  when 
mobs  have  been  in  actual  conflict,  women  have  been  gal- 
lantly escorted  through  the  sanguinary  crowd  unharmed, 
and  their  presence  has  even  been  a  protection  to  their 
protectors.  This  is  as  it  should  be  ;  and  such  incidents 
have  shown  in  a  striking  manner,  not  only  the  excellency 
of  good  breeding,  but  have  also  brought  it  out  when  and 
where  it  was  least  to  be  expected. 

"  In  streets  and  all  public  walks,  a  well-bred  person 
will  be  easily  distinguished  from  another  who  sets  at  de- 
fiance the  rules  of  good  breeding.  He  will  not,  what- 
ever be  his  station,  hinder  and  annoy  his  fellow  pedestri- 
ans, by  loitering  or  standing  still  in  the  middle  of  the 
footway.  He  will,  if  walking  in  company,  abstain  from 
making  impertinent  remarks  on  those  he  meets  ;  he  will 
even  be  careful  not  to  appear  indelicately  to  notice  them. 


74  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

He  will  not  take  '  the  crown  of  the  causeway'  to  himself, 
but  readily  fall  in  with  the  convenient  custom  which  ne- 
cessity has  provided,  and  walk  on  the  right  side  of  the 
path,  leaving  the  left  side  free  for  those  who  are  walking 
in  the  opposite  direction.  Any  departure  from  these 
plain  rules  of  good  breeding  is  downright  rudeness  and 
insult ;  or,  at  all  events,  it  betrays  great  ignorance  or 
disregard  for  propriety.  And  yet,  how  often  are  they 
departed  from !  It  is,  by  no  means,  uncommon,  espe- 
cially in  country  places,  for  groups  of  working  men  to 
obstruct  the  pathway  upon  which  they  take  a*  fancy  to 
lounge,  without  any  definite  object,  as  far  as  appears, 
but  that  of  making  rude  remarks  upon  passers-by.  But 
it  is  not  only  the  laboring  classes  of  society  who  ofi'end 
against  good  breeding  in  this  way ;  too  many  others  of- 
fend in  the  same,  and  by  stopping  to  talk  in  the  middle 
of  the  pavement  put  all  who  pass  to  great  inconvenience." 

In  meeting  a  lady  do  not  offer  to  shake  hands  with 
her,  but  accept  her  hand  when  she  ofi'ers  it  for  you  to 
take.- 

"  In  France,  where  politeness  is  found  in  every  class, 
the  people  do  not  run  against  each  other  in  the  streets, 
nor  brush  rudely  by  each  other,  as  they  sometimes  do  in 
our  cities.  It  adds  much  to  the  pleasure  of  walking,  t6 
be  free  from  such  annoyance;  and  this  can  only  be 
brought  about  by  the  well-taught  few  setting  a  good  ex- 
ample to  the  many.  By  having  your  wits  about  you, 
you  can  win  your  way  through  a  thronged  street  without 
touching  even  the  extreme  circumference  of  a  balloon 
sleeve ;  and,  if  each  one  strove  to  avoid  all  contact,  it 
would  be  easily  accomplished." 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CALLING.  75 


CHAPTER    V. 

ETIQUETTE   FOR   CALLING. 

A  GENTLEMAN  in  Society  must  calculate  to  give  a  cer- 
tain portion  of  his  time  to  making  calls  upon  his  friends, 
both  ladies  and  gentlemen.  He  may  extend  his  visiting 
list  to  as  large  a  number  as  his  inclination  and  time  ^vill 
permit  him  to  attend  to,  but  he  cannot  contract  it  after 
passing  certain  limits.  His  position  as  a  man  in  society 
obliges  him  to  call, 

Upon  any  stranger  visiting  his  city,  who  brings  a  let- 
ter of  introduction  to  him  ; 

Upon  any  friend  from  another  city,  to  whose  hospi- 
tality he  has  been  at  any  time  indebted ; 

Upon  any  gentleman  after  receiving  from  his  hands  a 
favor  or  courtesy ; 

Upon  his  host  at  any  dinner  or  supper  party,  (such 
calls  should  be  made  very  soon  after  the  entertainment 
given); 

Upon  any  friend  whose  joy  or  grief  calls  for  an 
expression  of  sympathy,  whether  it  be  congratulation  or 
condolence ; 

Upon  any  friend  who  has  lately  returned  from  a  voy- 
age or  long  journey ; 

Upon  any  lady  who  has  accepted  his  services  as  an 


76  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

escort,  either  for  a  journey  6r  the  return  from  a  ball  or 
evening  party ;  this  call  must  be  made  the  day  after  he 
has  thus  escorted  the  lady ; 

Upon  his  hostess  after  any  party  to  which  he  has 
been  invited,  whether  he  has  accepted  or  declined  such 
invitation ; 

Upon  any  lady  who  has  accepted  his  escort  for  an 
evening,  a  walk  or  a  drive ; 

Upon  any  friend  whom  long  or  severe  illness  keeps 
confined  to  the  house  ; 

Upon  his  lady  friends  on  New  Year's  day,  (if  it  is  the 
custom  of  the  city  in  which  he  resides  ;) 

Upon  any  of  his  friends  when  they  receive  bridal 
calls  ; 

Upon  lady  friends  in  any  city  you  are  visiting ;  if 
gentlemen  friends  reside  in  the  same  city,  you  may 
either  call  upon  them  or  send  your  card  with  your  ad- 
dress and  the  length  of  time  you  intend  staying,  written 
upon  it ;  if  a  stranger  or  friend  visiting  your  city  sends 
such  a  card,  you  must  call  at  the  earliest  opportunity ; 

Upon  any  one  of  whom  you  wish  to  ask  a  favor ;  to 
make  him,  under  such  circumstances  call  upon  you,  is 
extremely  rude  ; 

Upon  any  one  who  has  asked  a  favor  of  you ;  you 
will  add  very  much  to  the  pleasure  you  confer,  in  grant- 
ing a  favor,  by  calling  to  express  the  gratification  it 
affords  you  to  be  able  to  oblige  your  friend ;  you  will 
soften  the  pain  of  a  refusal,  if,  by  calling,  and  express- 
ing your  regret,  you  show  that  you  feel  interested  in  the 
request,  and  consider  it  of  importance. 

Upon  intimate  friends,  relatives,  and  ladies,  you  may 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CALLING.  77 

call  without  waiting  for  any  of  the  occasions  given 
above. 

Do  not  fall  into  the  vulgar  error  of  declaiming  against 
the  practice  of  making  calls,  declaring  it  a  "bore,"  tire- 
some, or  stupid.     The  custom  is  a  good  one. 

An  English  writer  says  : — 

"  The  visit  or  call  is  a  much  better  institution  than  is 
generally  supposed.  It  has  its  drawbacks.  It  wastes 
much  time ;  it  necessitates  much  small  talk.  It  obliges 
one  to  dress  on  the  chance  of  finding  a  friend  at  home ; 
but  for  all  this  it  is  almost  the  only  means  of  making  an 
acquaintance  ripen  into  friendship.  In  the  visit,  all  the 
strain,  which  general  society  somehow  necessitates,  is 
thrown  off.  A  man  receives  you  in  his  rooms  cordially, 
and  makes  you  welcome,  not  to  a  stiff  dinner,  but  an 
easy  chair  and  conversation.  A  lady,  who  in  the  ball 
room  or  party  has  been  compelled  to  limit  her  conver- 
sation, can  here  speak  more  freely.  The  talk  can 
descend  from  generalities  to  personal  inquiries,  and  need 
I  say,  that  if  you  wish  to  know  a  young  lady  truly,  you 
must  see  her  at  home,  and  by  day  light. 

"  The  main  points  to  be  observed  a&out  visits,  are  the 
proper  occasions  and  the  proper  hours.  Now,  between 
actual  friends  there  is  little  need  of  etiquette  in  these 
respects.  A  friendly  visit  may  be  made  at  any  time,  on 
any  occasion.  True,  you  are  more  welcome  when  the 
business  of  the  day  is  over,  in  the  afternoon  rather  than 
in  the  morning,  and  you  must,  even  as  a  friend,  avoid 
calling  at  meal  times.  But,  on  the  other  hand,  many 
people  receive  visits  in  the  evening,  and  certainly  this  is 
the  best  time  to  make  them." 


78  gentlemen's  book  op  etiquette. 

Any  first  call  which  you  receive  must  be  returned 
promptly.  If  you  do  not  wish  to  continue  the  acquain- 
tance any  farther,  you  need  not  return  a  second  call, 
but  politeness  imperatively  demands  a  return  of  the  first 
one. 

A  call  may  be  made  upon  ladies  in  the  morning  or 
afternoon ;  but  in  this  country,  where  almost  every  man 
has  some  business  to  occupy  his  day,  the  evening  is  the 
best  time  for  paying  calls.  You  will  gain  ground  in 
easy  intercourse  and  friendly  acquaintance  more  rapidly 
in  one  evening,  than  in  several  morning  calls. 

Never  make  a  call  upon  a  lady  before  eleven  o'clock 
in  the  morning,  or  after  nine  in  the  evening. 

Avoid  meal  times.  If  you  inadvertently  call  at  din- 
ner or  tea  time,  and  your  host  is  thus  forced  to  invite 
you  to  the  table,  it  is  best  to  decline  the  civility.  If, 
however,  you  see  that  you  will  give  pleasure  by  staying, 
accept  the  invitation,  but  be  careful  to  avoid  calling 
again  at  the  same  hour. 

No  man  in  the  United  States,  excepting  His  Excel- 
lenc}^,  the  President,  can  expect  to  receive  calls  unless 
he  returns  them. 

"Visiting,"  says  a  French  writer,  "forms  the  cord 
which  binds  society  together,  and  it  is  so  firmly  tied, 
that  were  the  knot  severed,  society  would  perish." 

A  ceremonious  call  should  never  extend  over  more 
than  fifteen  minutes,  and  it  should  not  be  less  than  ten 
minutes. 

If  you  see  the  master  of  the  house  take  letters  or  a 
paper  from  his  pocket,  look  at  the  clock,  have  an  absent 
air,  beat  time  with  his  fingers  or  hands,  or  in  any  other 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CALLING.  79 

way  show  weariness  or  ennuij  you  may  safely  conclude 
that  it  is  time  for  you  to  leave,  though  you  may  not 
have  been  five  minutes  in  the  house.  If  you  are  host  to 
the  most  wearisome  visitor  in  existence,  if  he  stays  hours, 
and  converses  only  on  subjects  which  do  not  interest 
you,  in  the  least;  unless  he  is  keeping  you  from  an 
important  engagement,  you  must  not  show  the  least 
sign  of  weariness.  Listen  to  him  politely,  endea- 
vor to  entertain  him,  and  preserve  a  smiling  compo- 
sure, though  you  may  long  to  show  him  the  door.  In 
case  he  is  keeping  you  from  business  of  importance,  or 
an  imperative  engagement,  you  may,  without  any  in- 
fringement upon  the  laws  of  politeness,  inform  him  of 
the  fact,  and  beg  him  to  excuse  you ;  you  must,  how- 
ever, express  polite  regret  at  your  enforced  want  of  hos- 
pitality, and  invite  him  to  call  again. 

It  is  quite  an  art  to  make  a  graceful  exit  after  a  call. 
To  know  how  to  choose  the  moment  when  you  will  be 
regretted,  and  to  retire  leaving  your  friends  anxious  for 
a  repetition  of  the  call,  is  an  accomplishment  worth  ac- 
quiring. 

When  you  begin  to  tire  of  your  visit,  you  may  gene- 
rally feel  sure  that  your  entertainers  are  tired  of  you,  and 
if  you  do  not  want  to  remain  printed  upon  their  memory 
as  "  the  man  who  makes  such  long,  tiresome  calls,"  you 
will  retire. 

If  other  callers  come  in  before  you  leave  a  friend's 
parlor,  do  not  rise  immediately  as  if  you  wished  to  avoid 
them,  but  remain  seated  a  few  moments,  and  then  leave, 
that  your  hostess  may  not  have  too  many  visitors  to 
entertain  at  one  time. 


80  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

If  you  have  been  enjoying  a  tete-d-tete  interview  witli 
a  lady,  and  other  callers  come  in,  do  not  hurry  away, 
as  if  detected  in  a  crime,  but  after  a  few  courteous,  grace- 
ful words,  and  the  interchange  of  some  pleasant  remarks, 
leave  her  to  entertain  her  other  friends. 

To  endeavor  when  making  a  call  to  "sit  out"  others 
in  the  room,  is  very  rude. 

When  your  host  or  hostess  urges  you  to  stay  longer, 
after  you  have  risen  to  go,  be  sure  that  that  is  the  best 
time  for  departure.  You  will  do  better  to  go  then, 
when  you  will  be  regretted,  than  to  wait  until  you  have 
worn  your  welcome  out. 

When  making  a  visit  of  condolence,  take  your  tone 
from  your  host  or  hostess.  If  they  speak  of  their  mis- 
fortune, or,  in  case  of  death,  of  the  departed  relative, 
join  them.  Speak  of  the  talents  or  virtues  of  the  de- 
ceased, and  your  sympathy  with  their  loss.  If,  on  the 
other  hand,  they  avoid  the  subject,  then  it  is  best  for 
you  to  avoid  it  too.  They  may  feel  their  inability  to 
sustain  a  conversation  upon  the  subject  of  their  recent 
affliction,  and  it  would  then  be  cruel  to  force  it  ^upon 
them.  If  you  see  that  they  are  making  an  effort,  per- 
haps a  painful  one,  to  appear  cheerful,  try  to  make  them 
forget  for  the  time  their  sorrows,  and  chat  on  cheerful 
subjects.  At  the  same  time,  avoid  jesting,  merriment, 
or  undue  levity,  as  it  will  be  out  of  place,  and  appear 
heartless. 

A  visit  of  congratulation,  should,  on  the  contrary,  be 
cheerful,  gay,  and  joyous.  Here,  painful  subjects  would 
be  out  of  place.  Do  not  mar  the  happiness  of  your  friend 
by  the  description  of  the  misery  of  your  own  position  or 


ETIQtJETTE   FOR   CALLING.  81 

that  of  a  third  person,  but  endeavor  to  show  by  joyous 
sympathy  that  the  pleasure  of  your  friend  is  also  your 
happiness.  To  laugh  with  those  who  laugh,  weep  with 
those  who  are  afflicted,  is  not  hypocrisy,  but  kindly, 
friendly  sympathy. 

Always,  when  making  a  friendly  call,  send  up  your 
card,  by  the  servant  who  opens  the  door. 

There  are  many  times  when  a  card  may  be  left,  even 
if  the  family  upon  which  you  call  is  at  home.  Visits  of 
condolence,  unless  amongst  relatives  or  very  intimate 
friends,  are  best  made  by  leaving  a  card  with  enquiries 
for  the  health  of  the  family,  and  offers  of  service. 

If  you  see  upon  entering  a  friend's  parlor,  that  your 
call  is  keeping  him  from  going  out,  or,  if  you  find  a  lady 
friend  dressed  for  a  party  or  promenade,  make  your 
visit  very  brief.  In  the  latter  case,  if  the  lady  seems 
unattended,  and  urges  your  stay,  you  may  offer  your  ser- 
vices as  an  escort. 

Never  visit  a  literary  man,  an  artist,  any  man  whose 
profession  allows  him  to  remain  at  home,  at  the  hours 
when  he  is  engaged  in  the  pursuit  of  his  profession. 
The  fact  that  you  know  he  is  at  home  is  nothing ;  he 
will  not  care  to  receive  visits  during  the  time  allotted  to 
his  daily  work. 

Never  take  another  gentleman  to  call  upon  one  of 
your  lady  friends  without  first  obtaining  her  permission 
to  do  so. 

The  calls  made  after  receiving  an  invitation  to  dinner, 
a  party,  ball,  or  other  entertainment  should  be  made 
within  a  fortnight  after  the  civility  has  been  accepted. 

When  you  have  saluted  the  host  and  hostess,  do  not 


82  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

take  a  seat  until  they  invite  you  to  do  so,  or  by  a  motion, 
and  themselves  sitting  down,  show  that  they  expect  you 
to  do  the  same. 

Keep  your  hat  in  your  hand  when  making  a  call. 
This  will  show  your  host  that  you  do  not  intend  to  re- 
main to  dine  or  sup  with  him.  You  may  leave  ah  um- 
brella or  cane  in  the  hall  if  you  wish,  but  your  hat  and 
gloves  you  must  carry  into  the  parlor.  In  making  an 
evening  call  for  the  first  time  keep  your  hat  and  gloves 
in  your  hand,  until  the  host  or  hostess  requests  you  to 
lay  them  aside  and  spend  the  evening. 

When  going  to  spend  the  evening  with  a  friend  whom 
you  visit  often,  leave  your  hat,  gloves,  and  great  coat  in 
the  hall. 

If,  on  entering  a  parlor  of  a  lady  friend,  in  the  even- 
ing, you  see  by  her  dress,  or  any  other  token,  that  she 
was  expecting  to  go  to  the  opera,  concert,  or  an  evening 
party,  make  a  call  of  a  few  minutes  only,  and  then  re- 
tire. I  have  known  men  who  accepted  instantly  the  in- 
vitation given  them  to  remain  under  these  circumstances, 
and  deprive  their  friends  of  an  anticipated  pleasure, 
when  their  call  could  have  been  made  at  any  other  time. 
To  thus  impose  upon  the  courtesy  of  your  friends  is  ex- 
cessively rude.  Nothing  will  pardon  such  an  acceptance 
but  the  impossibility  of  repeating  your  call,  owing  to  a 
short  stay  in  town,  or  any  other  cause.  Even  in  this 
case  it  is  better  to  accompany  your  friends  upon  their 
expedition  in  search  of  pleasure.  You  can,  of  course, 
easily  obtain  admittance  if  they  are  going  to  a  public 
entertainment,  and  if  they  invite  you  to  join  their  party 
to  a  friend's  house,  you  may  without  impropriety  do  so, 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CALLING.  83 

as  a  lady  is  privileged  to  introduce  you  to  her  friends  under 
Buch  circumstances.  It  requires  tact  .and  discretion  to 
know  when  to  accept  and  when  to  decline  such  an  invita- 
tion. Be  careful  that-  you  do  not  intrude  upon  a  party 
already  complete  in  themselves,  or  that  you  do  not  in- 
terfere with  the  plans  of  the  gentlemen  who  have  al- 
ready been  accepted  as  escorts. 

Never  make  a  third  upon  such  occasions.  Neither 
one  of  a  couple  who  propose  spending  the  evening  abroad 
together,  will  thank  the  intruder  who  spoils  their  t^te-£i- 
tete. 

When  you  find,  on  entering  a  room,  that  your  visit  is 
for  any  reason  inopportune,  do  not  instantly  retire  unless 
you  have  entered  unperceived  and  can  so  leave,  in  which 
case  leave  immediately  ;  if,  however,  you  have  been  seen, 
your  instant  retreat  is  cut  off.  Then  endeavor  by  your 
own  graceful  ease  to  cover  any  embarrassment  your  en- 
trance may  have  caused,  make  but  a  short  call,  and,  if 
you  can,  leave  your  friends  under  the  impression  that 
you  saw  nothing  out  of  the  way  when  you  entered. 

Always  leave  a  card  when  you  find  the  person  upon 
whom  you  have  called  absent  from  home. 

A  card  should  have  nothing  written  upon  it,  but  your 
name  and  address.  To  leave  a  card  with  your  business 
address,  or  the  nature  of  your  profession  written  upon 
it,  shows  a  shoeing  ignorance  of  polite  society.  Busi- 
ness cards  are  never  to  be  used  excepting  when  you 
make  a  business  call. 

Never  use  a  card  that  is  ornamented  in  any  way, 
whether  by  a  fancy  border,  painted  corners,  or  em- 
bossing.    Let  it  be  perfectly  plain,  tinted,  if  you  like, 


84  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

in  color,  but  without  ornament,  and  have  your  name 
written  or  printed  in- the  middle,  your  address,  in  smaller 
charactejjs,  in  the  lower  left  haiTd  corner.  Many  gentle- 
men omit  the  Mr.  upon  their  cards,  writing  merely  their 
Christian  and  surname ;  this  is  a  matter  of  taste,  you 
may  follow  your  own  inclination.  Let  your  card  be 
written  thus : — 

Henry  C.  Pratt. 
No.  217  L.  street. 

A  physician  will  put  Dr.  before  or  M.D.  after  the 
name,  and  an  officer  in  the  army  or  navy  may  add  his 
title ;  but  for  militia  officers  to  do  so  is  absurd. 

If  you  call  upon  a  lady,  who  invites  you  to  be  seated, 
place  a  chair  for  her,  and  wait  until  she  takes  it  before 
you  sit  down  yourself. 

Never  sit  beside  a  lady  upon  a  sofa,  or  on  a  chair  very 
near  her  own,  unless  she  invites  you  to  do  so. 

If  a  lady  enters  the  room  where  you  are  making  a 
call,  rise,  and  remain  standing  until  she  is  seated.  Even 
if  she  is  a  perfect  stranger,  offer  her  a  chair,  if  there  is 
none  near  her. 

You  must  rise  if  a  lady  leaves  th«  room,  and  reroain 
standing  until  she  has  passed  out. 

If  you  are  engaged  in  any  profession  which  you  follow 
at  home,  and  receive  a  caller,  you  may,  during  the  day- 
time, invite  him  into  your  library,  study,  or  the  room  in 
which  you  work,  and,  unless  you  use  your  pen,  you  may 
work  while  he  is  with  you. 

When  you  receive  a  visitor,  meet  him  at  the  door,  offer 
a  chair,  take  his  hat  and  cane,  and,  while  speaking  of 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CALLING.  85 

the  pleasure  the  call  aiFords  you,  show,  by  your  manner, 
that  you  are  sincere,  and  desira  a'  long  call. 

Do  not  let  your  host  come^with  you  any  farther  than 
the  room  door  if  he  has  Other  visitors ;  but  if  you  are 
showing  out  a  friend,  and  leave  no  others  in  the  parlor, 
you  fcihould  come  to  the  street  door. 

A  few  hints  from  an  English  author,  will  not  be  amiss 
in  this  place.     He  says  : — 

"  Visits  of  condolence  and  congratulation  must  be 
made  about  a  week  after  the  ^vent.  If  you  are  intimate 
with  the  persoii.pn  whom  you  call,  you  may  ask,  in  the 
first  case,  for  admission ;  if  not,  it  is  better  only  to  leave 
a  card,  and  make  your  '  kind  inquiries'  of  the  servant, 
who  is  generally  primed  in  what  manner  to  answer 
them.  In  visits  of  congratulation  you  should  always  go 
in,  and  be  hearty  in  your  congratulations.  Visits  of 
condolence  are  terrible  inflictions  to  both  receiver  and 
giver,  but  they  ma.y  be  made  less  so  by  avoiding,  as 
much  as  consistent  with  sympathy,  any  allusion  to  the 
past.  The  receiver  does  well  to  abstain  from  tears.  A 
lady  of  my  acquaintance,  who  had  lost  her  husband,  was 
receiving  such  a  visit  in  her  best  crape.  She  wept  pro- 
fusely for  some  time  upon  the  best  of  broad-hemmed 
cambric  handkerchiefs,  and  then  turning  to  her  visitor, 
said :  '  I  am  sure  you  will  be  gl5d  to  hear  that  Mr.  B. 
has  left  me  most  comfortably  provided  for.'  Hinc  illce 
lacrymce.  Perhaps  they  would  have  been  more  sincere 
if  he  had  left  her  without  a  penny.  At  the  same  time, 
if  you  have  not  sympathy  and  heart  enough  to  pump  up 
a  little  condolence,  you  will  do  better  to  avoid  it,  but 
take  care  that  your  conversation  is  not  too  gay.     What- 


86  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

ever  you  may  feel,  you  must  respect  the  sorrows  of 
others. 

"  On  marriage,  cards  a^  sent  round  to  such  people  as 
you  wish  to  keep  among  youf  acquaintance,  and  it  is  then 
their  part  to  call  first  on  the  young  couple,  when  within 
distance. 

"  Having  entered  tib^  house,  you  tnke  up  with  you  to 
the  drawing-room  both  hat  and  cane,  but  leave  an  um- 
brella in  the  hall.  In  Erance  it  is  usual  to  leave  a 
great-coat  down  stairs  alsbV  but  as  calls  are  made  in  this 
country  in  morning  dress,  it  is  not  necessary  to  do  so. 

*'  It  is  not  usual  to  introduce  people  at  morning  calls 
in  large  towns;  in  the  country  it  is  sometimes  done,  not 
always.  The  law  of  introductions  is,  in  fact,  to  force 
no  one  into  an  acquaintance.  You  should,  therefore,  as- 
certain beforehand  whether  it  is  agreeable  to  both  to  be 
introduced :  but  If  a  lady  or  a  superior  expresses  a  wish 
to  know  a  gentleman  or  an  inferior,  the  latter  two  have 
no  right  to  decline  the  honor.  The  introduction  is  of  an 
inferior  [which  position  a  gentleman  always  holds  to  a 
lady]  to  the  superior.  You  introduce  Mr.  Smith  to  Mrs. 
Jones,  or  Mr.  A.  to  Lord  B.,  not  vice  versa.  In  intro- 
ducing two  persons,  it  is  not  necessary  to  lead  one  of 
them  up  by  the  hand,  but  it  is  sufficient  simply  to  pre- 
cede them.  Having  thus  brought  the  person  to  be  intro- 
duced up  to  the  one  to  whom  he  is  to  be  presented,  it  is 
the  custom,  even  when  the  consent  has  been  previously 
obtained,  to  say,  with  a  slight  bow,  to  the  superior  per- 
sonage:    'Will  you  allow  me  to  introduce  Mr.  ?' 

The  person  addressed  replies  by  bowing  to  the  one  intro- 
duced, who  also  bows  at  the  same  time,  while  the  intro- 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CALLING.  87 

ducer  repeats  their  names,  and  then  reth'es,  leaving  them 
to  converge.  Thus,  for  instance,  in  presenting  Mr. 
Jones  to  Mrs.  Smith,  you.  will  say,  '  Mrs.  Smith,  allow 
me  to  introduce  Mr.  Jones,'  and  while  they  are  engaged 
in  bowing  you  will  murmur,  '  Mrs.  Smith — Mr.  Jones,' 
and  escape.  If  you  have  to  present  three  or  four  peo- 
ple to  said  Mrs.  Smith,  it  will  suffice  to  utter  their  re- 
spective names  without  repeating  that  of  the  lady. 

"  A  well-bred  person  always  receives  visitors  at  what- 
ever time  they  may  call,  or  whoever  tHey  may  be ;  but 
if  you  are  occupied  and  cannot  afford  to  be  interrupted 
by  a  mere  ceremony,  you  should  instruct  the  servant  be- 
forehand to  say  that  you  are  ^not  at  home.'  This  form 
has  often  been  denounced  as  a  falsehood,  but  a  lie  is  no 
lie  unless  intended  to  deceive  ;  and  since  the  words  are 
universally  understood  to  mean  that  you  are  engaged,  it 
can  be  no  harm  to  give  such  an  order  to  a  servant.  But, 
on  the  other  hand,  if  the  servant  once  admits  a  visitor 
within  the  hall,  you  should  receive  him  at  any  inconveni- 
ence to  yourself." 

He  also  gives  some  admirable  hints  upon  visits  made 
to  friends  in  another  city  or  the  country. 

He  says : — 

"A  few  words  on  visits  to  country  houses  before  I  quit 
this  subject.  Since  a  man's  house  is  his  castle,  no  one, 
not  even  a  near  relation,  has  a  right  to  invite  himself  to 
stay  in  it.  It  is  not  only  taking  a  liberty  to  do  so,  but 
may  prove  to  be  very  inconvenient.  A  general  invita- 
tion, too,  should  never  be  acted  on.  It  is  often  given 
without  any  intention  of  following  it  up ;  but,  if  given, 
should  be  turned  into  a  special  one  sooner  or  later.     An 


88  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


H'- 


invitation  should  specify  the  persons  whom  it  includes, 
and  the  person  invited .  should  never  presume  to  take 
with  him  any  one  not  specified.  If  a  gentleman  cannot 
dispense  with  his  valet,  he  should  write  to  ask  leave  to 
bring  a  servant ;  but  the  means  of  your  inviter,  and  the 
size  of  the  house,  should  be  taken  into  consideration,  and 
it  is  better  taste  to  dispense  with  a  servant  altogether. 
Children  and  horses  are  still  more  troublesome,  and 
should  never  be  taken  without  special  mention  made  of 
them.,  It  is  equally  bad  taste  to  arrive  with  a  wagon- 
ful  of  luggage,  as  that  is  naturally  taken  as  a  hint  that 
you  intend  to  stay  a  long  time.  The  length  of  a  coun- 
try visit  is  indeed  a  difficult  matter  to  decide,  but  in  the 
present  day  people  who  receive  much  generally  specify 
the  length  in  their  invitation — a  plan  which  saves  a  great 
deal  of  trouble  and  doubt.  But  a  custom  not  so  com- 
mendable has  lately  come  in  of  limiting  the  visits  of  ac- 
quaintance to  two  or  three  days.  This  may  be  pardona- 
ble where  the  guest  lives  at  no  great  distance,  but  it  is 
preposterous  to  expect  a  person  to  travel  a  long  distance 
for  a  stay  of  three  nights.  If,  however,  the  length  be 
not  specified,  and  cannot  easily  be  discovered,  a  week  is 
the  limit  for  a  country  visit,  except  at  the  house  of  a 
near  relation  or  very  old  friend.  It  will,  however,  save 
trouble  to  yourself,  if,  soon  after  your  arrival,  you  state 
that  you  are  come  *'for  a  few  days,"  and,  if  your  host 
wishes  you  to  make  a  longer  visit,  he  will  at  once  press 
you  to  do  so. 

"  The  main  point  in  a  country  visit  is  to  give  as  little 
trouble  as  possible,  to  conform  to  the  habits  of  your  en- 
tertainers, and  never  to  be  in  the  way.     On  this  princi- 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  CALLING.  89 

pie  jou  will  retire  to  your  own  occupations  soon  after 
breakfast,  unless  some  arrangement  has  been  made  for 
passing  the  morning  otherwise.  If  you  have  nothing  to 
do,  you  may  be  sure  that  your  host  has  something  to 
attend  to  in  the  morning.  Another  point  of  good-breed- 
ing is  to  be  punctual  at  meals,  for  a  host  and  hostess 
never  sit  down  without  their  guest,  and  dinner  may  be 
getting  cold.  If,  however,  a  guest  should  fail  in  this 
particular,  a  well-bred  entertainer  will  not  only  take  no 
notice  of  it,  but  attempt  to  set  the  late  comer  as  much 
at  his  ease  as  possible.  A  host  should  provide  amuse- 
ment for  his  guests,  and  give  up  his  time  as  much  as 
possible  to  them  ;  but  if  he  should  be  a  professional  man 
or  student — an  author,  for  instance — the  guest  should, 
at  the  commencement  of  the  visit,  insist  that  he  will  not 
allow  him  to  interrupt  his  occupations,  and  the  latter 
will  set  his  visitor  more  at  his  ease  by  accepting  this  ar- 
rangement. In  fact,  the  rule  on  which  a  host  should 
act  is  to  make  his  visitors  as  much  at  home  as  possible ; 
that  on  which  a  visitor  should  act,  is  to  interfere  as  little 
as  possible  with  the  domestic  routine  of  the  house. 

"  The  worst  part  of  a  country  visit  is  the  necessity  of 
giving  gratuities  to  the  servants,  for  a  poor  man  may 
often  find  his  visit  cost  him  far  more  than  if  he  had 
stayed  at  home.  It  is  a  custom  which  ought  to  be  put 
down,  because  a  host  who  receives  much  should  pay  his 
own  servants  for  the  extra  trouble  given.  Some  people 
have  made  ^3y-laws  against  it  in  their  houses,  but,  like 
those  about  gratuities  to  railway-porters,  they  are  seldom 
regarded.     In  a  great  house  a  man-servant  expects  gold, 


90  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

but  a  poor  man  should  not  be  ashamed  of  offering  him 
silver.  It  must  depend  on  the  length  of  the  visit.  The 
ladies  give  to  the  female,  the  gentlemen  to  the  male  ser- 
vants. Would  that  I  might  see  my  friends  without  pay- 
ing them  for"  their  hospitality  in  this  indirect  manner  1" 


ETIQUETTE   FOR    THE   BALL   ROOM.  91 


CHAPTER  VI. 

ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM. 

Of  all  the  amusements  open  for  young  people,  none 
is  more  delightful  and  more  popular  than  dancing.  Lord 
Chesterfield,  in  his  letters  to  his  son,  says :  "  Dancing 
is,  in  itself,  a  very  trifling  and  silly  thing ;  but  it  is  one 
of  those  established  follies  to  which  people  of  sense  are 
sometimes  obliged  to  conform ;  and  then  they  should  be 
able  to  do  it  well.  And,  though  I  would  not  have  you 
a  dancer,  yet,  when  you  do  dance,  I  would  have  you 
dance  well,  as  I  would  have  you  do  everything  you  do 
well."  In  another  letter,  he  writes:  "Do  you  mind 
your  dancing  while  your  dancing  master  is  with  you  ? 
As  you  will  be  often  under  the  necessity  of  dancing  a 
minuet,  I  would  have  you  dance  it  .very  well.  Remember 
that  the  graceful  motion  of  the  arms,  the  giving  of  your 
hand,  and  the  putting  off  and  putting  on  of  your  hat 
genteelly,  are  the  material  parts  of  a  gentleman's  danc- 
ing. But  the  greatest  advantage  of  dancing  well  is, 
that  it  necessarily  teaches  you  to  present  yourself,  to  sit, 
stand,  and  walk  genteelly ;  all  of  which  are  of  real  im- 
portance to  a  man  of  fashion." 

Although  the  days  are  over  when  gentlemen  carried 
their  hats  into  ball  rooms  and  danced  minuets,  there  are 


92  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

useful  hints  in  the  quotations  given  above.  Nothing 
will  give  ease  of  manner  and  a  graceful  carriage  to  a 
gentleman  more  surely  than  the  knowledge  of  dancing. 
He  will,  in  its  practice,  acquire  easy  motion,  a  light  step, 
and  learn  to  use  both  hands  and  feet  well.  What  can 
be  more  awkward  than  a  man  who  continually  finds  his 
hands  and  feet  in  his  way,  and,  by  his  fussy  move- 
ments, betrays  his  trouble  ?  A  good  dancer  never  feels 
this  embarrassment,  consequently  he  never  appears  aware 
of  the  existence  of  his  feet,  and  carries  his  hands  and 
arms  gracefully.  Some  people  being  bashful  and  afraid 
of  attracting  attention  in  a  ball  room  or  evening  party, 
do  not  take  lessons  in  dancing,  overlooking  the  fact  that 
it  is  those  who  do  not  partake  of  the  amusement  on  such 
occasions,  not  those  who  do,  that  attract  attention.  To 
all  such  gentlemen  I  would  say  ;  Learn  to  dance.  You 
will  find  it  one  of  the  very  best  plans  for  correcting 
bashfulness.  Unless  you  possess  the  accomplishments 
that  are  common  in  polite  society,  you  can  neither  give 
nor  receive  all  the  benefits  that  can  be  derived  from  so- 
cial intercourse. 

When  you  receive  an  invitation  to  a  ball,  answer  it  im- 
mediately. 

If  you  go  alone,  go  from  the  dressing-room  to  the 
ball  room,  find  your  host  and  hostess,  and  speak  first  to 
them ;  if  there  are  several  ladies  in  the  house,  take  the 
earliest  opportunity  of  paying  your  respects  to  each  of 
them,  and  invite  one  of  them  to  dance  with  you  the  first 
dance.  If  she  is  already  engaged,  you  should  endeavor 
to  engage  her  for  a  dance  later  in  the  evening,  and  are 
then  at  liberty  to  seek  a  partner  amongst  the  guests. 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.        93 

When  you  have  engaged  a  partner  for  a  dance,  you 
should  go  to  her  a  few  moments  before  the  seX  for  which 
you  have  engaged  her  will  be  formed,  that  you  may  not 
be  hurried  in  taking  your  placesi  upon  the  floor.  En- 
quire whether  she  prefers  the  head  or  side  place  in  the 
siet,  and  take  the  position  she  names. 

In  inviting  a  lady  to  dance  with  you,  the  words,  "  Will 
you  honor  me  with  your  hand  for  a  quadrille?"  or, 
"  Shall  I  have  the  honor  of  dancing  this  set  with  you  ?" 
are  more  used  now  than  "  Shall  I  have  the  pleasure  T'  or, 
"  Will  you  give  me  the  pleasure  of  dancing  with  you  ?" 

Offer  a  lady  your  arm  to  lead  her  to  the  quadrille, 
and  in  the  pauses  between  the  figures  endeavor  to  make 
the  duty  of  standing  still  less  tiresome  by  pleasant  con- 
versation. Let  the  subjects  be  light,  as  you  will  be  con- 
stantly interrupted  by  the  figures  in  the  dance.  There 
is  no  occasion  upon  which  a  pleasant  flow  of  small  talk 
is  more  apropos,  and  agreeable  than  in  a  ball  room. 

[_When  the  dance  is  over,  ofi*er  your  arm  to  your  part- 
ner, and  enquire  whether  she  prefers  to  go  immediately 
to  her  seat,  or  wishes  to  promenade.  If  she  chooses 
the  former,  conduct  her  to  her  seat,  stand  near  her  a  few 
moments,  chatting,  then  bow,  and  give  other  gentlemen 
an  opportunity  of  addressing  her.  If  she  prefers  to 
promenade,  walk  with  her  until  she  expresses  a  wish  to 
sit  down.  Enquire,  before  you  leave  her,  whether  you 
can  be  of  any  service,  and,  if  the  supper-room  is  open, 
invite  her  to  go  in  there  with  yo^ 

You  will  pay  a  delicate  compliment  and  one  that  will 
certainly  be  appreciated,  if,  when  a  lady  declines  your 
invitation  to  dance  on  the  plea  of  fatigue  or  fear  of  fa- 


94  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

tigue,  you  do  not  seek  another  partner,  but  remain  with 
the  lady  you  have  just  invited,  and  thus  imply  that  the 
pleasure  of  talking  with,  and  being  near,  her,  is  greater 
than  that  of  dancing  with  another. 

Let  your  hostess  understand  that  you  are  at  her  service 
for  the  evening,  that  she  may  have  a  prospect  of  giving 
her  wall  flowers  a  partner,  and,  however  unattractive 
these  may  prove,  endeavor  to  make  yourself  as  agreeable 
to  them  as  possible. 

Your  conduct  will  differ  if  you  escort  a  lady  to  a  ball. 
Then  your  principal  attentions  must  be  paid  to  her. 
You  must  call  for  her  punctually  at  the  hour  she  has  ap- 
pointed, and  it  is  your  duty  to  provide  the  carriage. 
You  may  carry  her  a  bouquet  if  you  will,  this  is  optional. 
A  more  elegant  way  of  presenting  it  is  to  send  it  in  the 
afternoon  with  your  card,  as,  if  you  wait  until  evening, 
she  may  think  you  do  not  mean  to  present  one,  and  pro- 
vide one  for  herself. 

When  you  arrive  at  your  destination,  leave  the  car- 
riage, and  assist  her  in  alighting ;  then  escort  her  to  the 
lady's  dressing-room,  leave  her  at  the  door,  and  go  to  the 
gentlemen's  dressing-room.  As  soon  as  you  have  ar- 
ranged your  own  dress,  go  again  to  the  door  of  the 
lady's  room,  and  wait  until  your  companion  comes  out. 
Give  her  your  left  arm  and  escort  her  to  the  ball  room ; 
find  the  hostess  and  lead  your  companion  to  her.  When 
they  have  exchanged  greetings,  lead  your  lady  to  a  seat, 
and  then  engage  her  for  the  first  dance.  Tell  her  that 
while  you  will  not  deprive  others  of  the  pleasure  of 
dancing  with  her,  you  are  desirous  of  dancing  with  her 
whenever  she  is  not  more  pleasantly  engaged,  and  before 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.        95 

seeking  a  partner  for  any  other  set,  see  whether  your 
lady  is  engaged  or  is  ready  to  dance  again  with  you. 
You  must  watch  during  the  evening,  and,  while  you  do 
not  force  your  attentions  upon  her,  or  prevent  others 
from  paying  her  attention,  you  must  never  allow  her  to 
be  alone,  but  join  her  w^henever  others  are  not  speaking 
to  her.  You  must  take  her  in  to  supper,  and  be  ready 
to  leave  the  party,  whenever  she  wishes  fo  do  so. 

If  the  ball  is  given  in  your  own  house,  or  at  that  of  a 
near  relative,  it  becomes  your  duty  to  see  that  every 
lady,  young  or  old,  handsome  or  ugly,  is  provided  with  a 
partner,  though  the  oldest  and  ugliest  may  fall  to  your 
own  share. 

Never  stand  up  to  dance  unless  you  are  perfect  master 
of  the  step,  figure,  and  time  of  that  dance.  If  you 
make  a  mistake  you  not  only  render  yourself  ridiculous, 
but  you  annoy  your  partner  and  the  others  in  the  set. 

If  you  have  come  alone  to  a  baU,  do  not  devote  your- 
self entirely  to  any  one  lady.  Divide  your  attentions 
amongst  several,  and  never  dance  twice  in  succession 
with  the  same  partner. 

To  affect  an  air  of  secrecy  or  mystery  when  conversing 
in  a  ball-room  is  a  piece  of  impertinence  for  which  no 
lady  of  delicacy  will  thank  you. 

When  you  conduct  your  partner  to  her  seat,  thank 
her  for  the  pleasure  she  has  conferred  upon  you,  and  do 
not  remain  too  long  conversing  with  her. 

Give  your  partner  your  whole  attention  when  dancing 
with  her.  To  let  your  eyes  wander  round  the  room,  or 
to  make  remarks  betraying  your  interest  in  others,  is 


96  gentlemen's  book  op  etiquette. 

not  flattering,  as  she  will  not  be  unobservant  of  your 
want  of  taste. 

Be  very  careful  not  to  forget  an  engagement.  It  is 
an  unpardonable  breach  of  politeness  to  ask  a  lady  to 
dance  with  you,  and  neglect  to  remind  her  of  her  promise 
when  the  time  to  redeem  it  comes. 

A  dress  coat,  dress  boots,  full  suit  of  black,  and  white 
or  very  light  kid  gloves  must  be  worn  in  a  ball  room.  A 
white  waistcoat  and  cravat  are  sometimes  worn,  but  this 
is  a  matter  of  taste. 

Never  wait  until  the  music  commences  before  inviting 
a  lady  to  dance  with  you. 

If  one  lady  refuses  you,  do  not  ask  another  who  is 
seated  near  her  to  dance  the  same  set.  Do  not  go  im- 
mediately to  another  lady,  but  chat  a  few  moments  with 
the  one  whom  you  first  invited,  and  then  join  a  group  or 
gentlemen  friends  for  a  few  moments,  before  seeking  ano- 
ther partner. 

,  Never  dance  without  gloves.  This  is  an  imperative 
rule.  It  is  best  to  carry  two  pair,  as  in  the  contact  with 
dark  dresses,  or  in  handing  refreshments,  you  may  soil 
the  pair  you  wear  on  entering  the  room,  and  will  thus 
be  under  the  necessity  of  ofi*ering  your  hand  covered  by 
a  soiled  glove,  to  some  fair  partner.  You  can  slip  un- 
perceived  from  the  room,  change  the  soiled  for  a  fresh 
pair,  and  then  avoid  that  mortification. 

If  your  partner  has  a  bouquet,  handkerchief,  or  fan 
in  her  hand,  do  not  offer  to  carry  them  for  her.  If  she 
finds  they  embarrass  her,  she  will  request  you  to  hold 
them  for  her,  but  etiquette  requires  you  not  to  notice 
them,  unless  she  speaks  of  them  first. 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  TRx.   BALL  ROOM.        97 

Do  not  be  the  last  to  leave  the  ball  room.  It  is  more 
elegant  to  leave  early,  as  staying  too  late  gives  others 
the  impression  that  you  do  not  often  have  an  invitation 
to  a  ball,  and  must  "make  the  most  of  it." 

Some  gentlemen  linger  at  a  private  ball  until  all  the 
ladies  have  left,  and  then  congregate  in  the  supper-room, 
where  they  remain  for  hours,  totally  regardless  of  the 
fact  that  they  are  keeping  the  wearied  host  and  his  ser- 
vants from  their  rest.  Never,  as  you  value  your  reputa- 
tion as  a  gentleman  of  refinement,  be  among  the  number 
of  these  "  hangers  on." 

The  author  of  a  recent  work  on  etiquette,  published 
in  England,  gives  the  following  hints  for  those  who  go 
to  balls.     He  says  : — 

*'  When  inviting  a  lady  to  dance,  if  she  replies  very 
politely,  asking  to  be  excused,  as  she -does  not  wish  to 
dance  ('  with  you,'  being  probably  her  mental  reserva- 
tion), a  man  ought  to  be  satisfied.  At  all  events,  he 
should  never  press  her  to  dance  after  one  refusal.  The 
set  forms  which  Turveydrop  would  give  for  the  invita- 
tion are  too  much  of  the  deportment  school  to  be  used 
in  practice.  If  you  know  a  young  lady  slightly,  it  is 
sufficient  to  say  to  her,  '  May  I  have  the  pleasure  of 
dancing  this  waltz,  &c.,  with  you  ?'  or  if  intimately, 
^  Will  you  dance,  Miss' A —  V  The  young  lady  who  has 
refused  one  gentleman,  has  no  right  to  accept  another 
for  that  dance ;  and  young  ladies  who  do  not  wish  to  be 
annoyed,  must  take  care  not  to  accept  two  gentlemen 
for  the  same  dance.  In  Germany  such  innocent  blun- 
ders often  cause  fatal  results.     Two  partners  arrive  at 

the  same  moment  to  claim  the  fair  one's  hand ;  she  vows 
7 


98  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

she  has  not  made  a  mistake ;  *  was  sure  she  was  engaged 
to  Herr  A — ,  and  not  to  Herr  B — ;'  Herr  B —  is  equally 
certain  that  she  was  engaged  to  him.  The  awkwardness 
is,  that  if  he  at  once  gives  her  up.  he  appears  to  be  indif- 
ferent about  it ;  while,  if  he  presses  his  suit,  he  must 
quarrel  with  Herr  A — ,  unless  the  damsel  is  clever 
enough  to  satisfy  both  of  them  ;  and  particularly  if  there 
is  an  especial  interest  in  Herr  B — ,  he  yields  at  last, 
but  when  the  dance  is  over,  sends  a  friend  to  Herr  A — . 
Absurd  as  all  this  is,  it  is  common,  and  I  have  often 
seen  one  Herr  or  the  other  walking  about  with  a  huge 
gash  on  his  cheek,  or  his  arm  in  a  sling,  a  few  days  after 
a  ball. 

"  Friendship,  it  appears,  can  be  let  out  on  hire.  The 
lady  who  was  so  very  amiable  to  you  last  night,  has  a 
right  to  ignore  your  existence  to-day.  In  fact,  a  ball 
room  acquaintance  rarely  goes  any  farther,  until  you 
have  met  at  more  balls  than  one.  In  the  same  way  a 
man  cannot,  after  being  introduced  to  a  young  lady  to 
dance  with,  ask  her  to  do  so  more  than  twice  in  the 
same  evening.  A  man  may  dance  four  or  even  five 
times  with  the  same  partner.  On  the  other  hand,  a 
real  well-bred  man  will  wish  to  be  useful,  and  there  are 
certain  people  whom  it  is  imperative  on  him  to  ask  to 
dance — the  daughters  of  the  house,  for  instance,  and 
any  young  ladies  whom  he  may  know  intimately ;  but 
most  of  all  the  well-bred  and  amiable  man  will  sacrifice 
himself  to  those  plain,  ill-dressed,  dull  looking  beings 
who  cling  to  the  wall,  unsought  and  despairing.  After 
all,  he  will  not  regret  his  good  nature.  The  spirits  re- 
viving at  the  unexpected  invitation,  the  wall-flower  will 


.   ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.         99 

pour  out  her  best  conversation,  will  dance  her  best,  and 
will  show  him  her  gratitude  in  some  way  or  other. 

''  The  formal  bow  at  the  end  of  a  quadrille  has  gradu- 
ally dwindled  away.  At  the  end  of  every  dance  you 
offer  your  right  arm  to  your  partner,  (if  by  mistake  you 
offer  the  left,  you  may  turn  the  blunder  into  a  pretty 
compliment,  by  reminding  her  that  is  le  bras  du  cceur, 
nearest  the  heart,  which  if  not  anatomically  true,  is,  at 
least,  no  worse  than  talking  of  a  sunset  and  sunrise), 
and  walk  half  round  the  room  with  her.  TYou  then  ask 
her  if  she  will  take  any  refreshment,  and,  if  she  accepts, 
you  convey  your  precious  allotment  of  tarlatane  to  the 
refreshment  room  to  be  invigorated  by  an  ice  or  negus, 
or  what  you  will.  It  is  judicious  not  to  linger  too  long 
in  this  room,  if  you  are  engaged  to  some  one  else  for 
the  next  dance.  You  will  have  the  pleasure  of  hearing 
the  music  begin  in  the  distant  ball  room,  and  of  reflecting 
that  an  expectant  fair  is  sighing  for  you  like  Marianna — 

"  He  Cometh  not,"  she  said. 
She  said,  "  I  am  a-weary  a-weary, 
I  would  I  were  in  bed ;" 

which  is  not  an  unfrequent  wish  in  some  ball  rooms.  A 
well-bred  girl,  too,  will  remember  this,  and  always  offer 
to  return  to  the  ball  room,  however  interesting  the  con- 
versation. 

"  If  you  are  prudent  you  will  not  dance  every  dance, 
nor  in  fact,  much  more  than  half  the  number  on  the  list; 
you  will  then  escape  that  hateful  redness  of  face  at  the- 
tiine,  and  that  wearing  fatigue  the  next  day  which  are 
among  the  worst  features  of  a  ball.     Again,  a  gentleman 


100  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette.  , 

must  remember  that  a  ball  is  essentially  a  lady's  party, 
and  in  their  presence  he  should  be  gentle  and  delicate 
almost  to  a  fault,  never  pushing  his  way,  apologizing  if 
he  tread  on  a  dress,  still  more  so  if  he  tears  it,  begging 
pardon  for  any  accidental  annoyance  he  may  occasion, 
and  addressing  every  body  with  a  smile.  But  quite  un- 
pardonable are  those  men  whom  one  sometimes  meets, 
who,  standing  in  a  door-way,  talk  and  laugh  as  they 
would  in  a  barrack  or  college-rooms,  always  coarsely, 
often  indelicately.  What  must  the  state  of  their  minds 
be,  if  the  sight  of  beauty,  modesty,  and  virtue,  does  not 
awe  them  into  silence !  A  man,  too,  who  strolls  down 
the  room  with  his  head  in  the  air,  looking  as  if  there 
were  not  a  creature  there  worth  dancing  with,  is  an  ill- 
bred  man,  so  is  he  who  looks  bored ;  and  worse  than  all 
is  he  who  takes  too  much  champagne. 

"  If  you  are  dancing  with  a  young  lady  when  the  sup- 
per-room is  opened,  you  must  ask  her  if  she  would  like 
to  go  to  supper,  and  if  she  says  *  yes,'  which,  in  999 
cases  out  of  1000,  she  certainly  will  do,  you  must  take 
her  thither.  If  you  are  not  dancing,  the  lady  of  the 
house  will  probably  recruit  you  to  take  in  some  chaperon. 
However  little  you  may  relish  this,  you  must  not  show 
your  disgust.  In  fact,  no  man  ought  to  be  disgusted  at 
being  able  to  do  anything  for  a  lady  ;  it  should  be  his 
highest  privilege,  but  it  is  not — in  these  modern  unchi- 
valrous  days — perhaps  never  was  so.  Having  placed 
your  partner  then  at  the  supper- table,-  if  there  is  room 
there,  but  if  not  at  a  side-table,  or  even  at  none,  you 
must  be  as  active  as  Puck  in  attending  to  her  wants, 
and  as  women  take  as  long  to  settle  their  fancies  in 


ETIQUETTE   FOR   THE   CALL  KOOk."      '   '  ''  101 

edibles  as  in  love-matters,  you  had  better  at  once  get 
her  something  substantial,  chicken,  pdtS  de  foie  gras^ 
mayonnaise,  or  what  you  will.  Afterwards  come  jelly 
and  trifle  in  due  course. 

"  A  young  lady  often  goes  down  half-a-dozen  times  to 
the  supper-room — it  is  to  be  hoped  not  for  the  purpose 
of  eating — but  she  should  not  do  so  with  the  same  part- 
ner more  than  once.  While  the  lady  is  supping  you 
must  stand  by  and  talk  to  her,  attending  to  every  want, 
and  the  most  you  may  take  yourself  is  a  glass  of  cham- 
pagne when  you  help  her.  You  then  lead  her  up  stairs 
again,  and  if  you  are  not  wanted  there  any  more,  you 
may  steal  down  and  do  a  little  quiet  refreshment  on 
your  own  account.  As  long,  however,  as  there  are  many 
ladies  still  at  the  table,  you  have  no  right  to  begin. 
Nothing  marks  a  man  here  so  much  as  gorging  at  sup- 
per. Balls  are  meant  for  dancing,  not  eating,  and  un- 
fortunately too  many  young  men  forget  this  in  the  pre- 
sent day.  Lastly,  be  careful  what  you  say  and  how 
you  dance  after  supper,  even  more  so  than  before  it,  for 
if  you  in  the  slightest  way  displease  a  young  lady,  she 
may  fancy  that  you  have  been  too  partial  to  strong  fluids, 
and  ladies  never  forgive  thatj  It  would  be  hard  on  the 
lady  of  the  house  if  every  body  leaving  a  large  ball  thought 
it  necessary  to  wish  her  good  night.  In  quitting  a  small 
dance,  however,  a  parting  bow  is  expected.  It  is  then 
that  the  pretty  daughter  of  the  house  gives  you  that 
sweet  smile  of  which  you  dream  afterwards  in  a  goose- 
berry nightmare  of  '  tum-tum-tiddy-tum,'  and  waltzes  a 
deux  temps,  and  masses  of  tarlatane   and   bright  eyes, 


10^  GENXLIJMEN^'^^   B-OOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

flushed  cheeks  and  dewy  glances.      See  them  to-morrow, 
mj  dear  fellow,  it  will  cure  you. 

"  I  think  flirtation  comes  under  the  head  of  morals 
more  than  of  manners ;  still  I  may  be  allowed  to  say 
that  ball  room  flirtation  being  more  open  is  less  danger- 
ous than  any  other.  A  prudent  man  will  never  presume 
on  a  girl's  liveliness  or  banter.  No  man  of  taste  ever 
made  an  off'er  after  supper,  and  certainly  nine-tenths  of 
those  who  have  done  so  have  regretted  it  at  breakfast 
the  next  morning. 

"  At  public  balls  there  are  generally  either  three  or 
four  stewards  on  duty,  or  a  professional  master  of  cere- 
monies. These  gentlemen  having  made  all  the  arrange- 
ments, order  the  dances,  and  have  power  to  change  them 
if  desirable.  They  also  undertake  to  present  young 
men  to  ladies,  but  it  must  be  understood  that  such  an 
introduction  is  only  available  for  one  dance.  It  is  better 
taste  to  ask  the  steward  to  introduce  you  simply  to  a 
partner,  than  to  point  out  any  lady  in  particular.  He 
will  probably  then  ask  you  if  you  have  a  choice,  and  if 
not,  you  may  be  certain  he  will  take  you  to  an  estab- 
lished wall-flower.  Public  balls  are  scarcely  enjoyable 
unless  you  have  your  own  party. 

"As  the  great  charm  of  a  ball  is  its  perfect  accord  and 
harmony,  all  altercations,  loud  talking,  &c.,  are  doubly 
ill-mannered  in  a  ball  room.  Very  little  suffices  to  dis- 
turb the  peace  of  the  whole  company." 

The  same  author  gives  some  hints  upon  dancing  which 
are  so  excellent  that  I  need  make  no  apology  for  quoting 
them.     He  says  : — 

"'Thank  you — aw — I  do  not  dance/ is  now  a  very 


ETIQUETTE   FOR   THE   BALL   ROOM.  103 

common  reply  from  a  well-dressed,  handsome  man,  who 
is  leaning  against  the  side  of  the  door,  to  the  anxious, 
heated  hostess,  who  feels  it  incumhent  on  her  to  find  a 
partner  for  poor  Miss  Wallflower.  I  say  the  reply  is 
not  only  common,  but  even  regarded  as  rather  a  fine  one 
to  make.  Qn  short,  men  of  the  present  day  don't,  won't, 
or  can't  dance ;  and  you  can't  make  them  do  it,  except 
by  threatening  to  give  them  no  supperT]  I  really  cannot 
discover  the  reason  for  this  aversion  to  an  innocent 
amusement,  for  the  apparent  purpose  of  enjoying  which 
they  have  spent  an  hour  and  a  half  on  their  toilet. 
There  is  something,  indeed,  in  the  heat  of  a  ball  room, 
there  is  a  great  deal  in  the  ridiculous  smallness  of  the 
closets  into  which  the  ball-giver  crowds  two  hundred 
people,  with  a  cruel  indifference  only  equalled  by  that 
of  the  black-hole  of  Calcutta,  expecting  them  to  enjoy 
themselves,  when  the  ladies'  dresses  are  crushed  and 
torn,  and  the  gentlemen,  under  the  despotism  of  theirs, 
are  melting  away  almost  as  rapidly  as  the  ices  with  which 
an  occasional  waiter  has  the  heartlessness  to  insult 
them.  Then,  again,  it  is  a  great  nuisance  to  be  intro- 
duced to  a  succession  of  plain,  uninteresting  young 
women,  of  whose  tastes,  modes  of  life,  &c.,  you  have  not 
the  slightest  conception :  who  may  look  gay,  yet  have 
never  a  thought  beyond  the  curate  and  the  parish,  or 
appear  to  be  serious,  while  they  understand  nothing 
but  the  opera  and  So-and-so's  ball — in  fact,  to  be  in 
perpetual  risk  of  either  shocking  their  prejudices,  or 
plaguing  them  with  subjects  in  which  they  can  have  no 
possible  interest ;  to  take  your  chance  whether  they  can 
dance  at  all,  and  to  know  that  when  you  have  lighted  on 


104  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

a  real  charmer,  perhaps  the  beauty  of  the  room,  she  is 
only  lent  to  you  for  that  dance,  and,  when  that  is  over, 
and  you  have  salaamed  away  again,  you  and  she  must  re- 
main to  one  another  as  if  you  had  never  met ;  to  feel, 
in  short,  that  you  must  destroy  either  your  present  com- 
fort or  future  happiness,  is  certainly  sufficiently  trying 
to  keep  a  man  close  to  the  side-posts  of  the  doorway. 
But  these  are  reasons  which  might  keep  him  altogether 
from  a  hall  room,  and,  if  he  has  these  and  other  objec- 
tions to  dancing,  he  certainly  cannot  be  justified  in  com- 
ing to  a  place  set  apart  for  that  sole  purpose. 

"  But  I  suspect  that  there  are  other  reasons,  and  that, 
in  most  cases,  the  individual  can  dance  and  does  dance 
at  times,  but  has  now  a  vulgar  desire  to  be  distinguished 
from  the  rest  of  his  sex  present,  and  to  appear  indiffer- 
ent to  the  pleasures  of  the  evening.  If  this  be  his  laudable 
desire,  however  he  might,  at  least,  be  consistent,  and 
continue  to  cling  to  his  door-post,  like  St.  Sebastian  to 
his  tree,  and  reply  throughout  the  evening,  '  Thank  you, 
I  don't  take  refreshments ;'  '  Thank  you,  I  can't  eat 
supper ;'  '  Thank  you,  I  don't  talk ;'  '  Thank  you,  I 
don't  drink  champagne,' — for  if  a  ball  room  be  purga- 
tory, what  a  demoniacal  conflict  does  a  supper-room  pre- 
sent ;  if  young  ladies  be  bad  for  the  heart,  champagne 
is  worse  for  the  head. 

"  No,  it  is  the  will,  not  the  power  to  dance  which  is 
wanting,  and  to  refuse  to  do  so,  unless  for  a  really  good 
reason,  is  not  the  part  of  a  well-bred  man.  To  mar  the 
pleasure  of  others  is  obviously  bad  manners,  and,  though 
at  the  door-post,  you  may  not  be  in  the  way,  you  may 
be  certain  ^Wt  there  are  some  young  ladies  longing  to 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.       105 

dance,  and  expecting  to  be  asked,  and  that  the  hostess 
is  vexed  and  annoyed  by  seeing  them  fixed,  like  pictures, 
to  the  wall.  It  is  therefore  the  duty  of  every  man  who 
has  no  scruples  about  dancing,  and  purposes  to  appear 
at  balls,  to  learn  how  to  dance. 

"  In  the  present  day  the  art  is  much  simplified,  and 
if  you  can  walk  through  a  quadrille,  and  perform  a  polka, 
waltz,  or  galop,  you  may  often  dance  a  whole  evening 
through.  Of  course,  if  you  can  add  to  these  the 
Lancers,  Schottische,  and  Polka-Mazurka,  you  will  have 
more  variety,  and  can  be  more  generally  agreeable. 
But  if  your  master  or  mistress  [a  man  learns  better  from 
the  former]  has  stuffed  into  your  head  some  of  the  three 
ftundred  dances  which  he  tells  you  exist,  the  best  thing 
you  can  do  is  to  forget  them  again.  "Whether  right  or 
wrong,  the  number  of  usual  dances  is  limited,  and  un- 
usual ones  should  be  very  sparingly  introduced  into  a  ball, 
for  as  few  people  know  them,  their  dancing,  on  the  one 
hand,  becomes  a  mere  display,  and,  on  the  other,  inter- 
rupts the  enjoyment  of  the  majority. 

"  The  quadrille  is  pronounced  to  be  essentially  a  con- 
versational dance,  but,  inasmuch  as  the  figures  are  per- 
petually calling  you  away  from  your  partner,  the  first 
necessity  for  dancing  a  quadrille  is  to  be  supplied  with  a 
fund  of  small  talk,  in  which  you  can  go  from  subject  to 
subject  like  a  bee  from  flower  to  flower.  The  next  point 
is  to  carry  yourself  uprightly.  Time  was  when — as  in 
the  days  of  the  minuet  de  la  cow — the  carriage  consti- 
tuted the  dance.  This  is  still  the  case  with  the  quad- 
rille, in  which,  even  if  ignorant  of  the  figures,  you  may 
acquit  yourself  well  by  a  calm,  graceful  carriage.     After 


106  "gej^tlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

all,  the  most  important  figure  is  the  smile,  and  the  feet 
may  be  left  to  their  fate,  if  we  know  what  to  do  with 
our  hands  ;  of  which  I  may  observe  that  they  should 
never  be  pocketed. 

"  The  smile  is  essential.  A  dance  is  supposed  to 
amuse, -and  nothing  is  more  out  of  place  in  it  than  a 
gloomy  scowl,  unless  it  be  an  ill-tempered  frown.  The 
gaiety  of  a  dance  is  more  essential  than  the  accuracy  of 
its  figures,  and  if  you  feel  none  yourself,  you  may,  at 
least,  look  pleased  by  that  of  those  around  you.  A  de- 
fiant manner  is  equally  obnoxious.  An  acquaintance  of 
mine  always  gives  me  the  impression,  when  he  advances 
in  Vete,  that  he  is  about  to  box  the  lady  w^ho  comes  to 
meet  him.  But  the  most  objectionable  of  all  is  the  su- 
percilious manner.  Dear  me,  if  you  really  think  you  io 
your  partner  an  honor  in  dancing  with  her,  you  should, 
at  least,  remember  that  your  condescension  is  annulled 
by  the  manner  in  which  you  treat  her. 

"  A  lady — beautiful  word  ! — is  a  delicate  creature,  one 
who  should  be  reverenced  and  delicately  treated.  It  is, 
therefore,  unpardonable  to  rush  about  in  a  quadrille,  to 
catch  hold  of  a  lady's  hand  as  if  it  were  a  door-handle,, 
or  to  drag  her  furiously  across  the  room,  as  if  you  were 
Bluebeard  and  she  Fatima,  with  the  mysterious  closet 
opposite  to  you.  This  brusque  violent  style  of  dancing 
is,  unfortunately,  common,  but  immediately  stamps  a 
man.  Though  I  would  not  have  you  wear  a  perpetual 
simper,  you  should  certainly  smile  when  you  take  a 
lady's  hand,  and  the  old  custom  of  bowing  in  doing  so, 
is  one  that  we  may  regret ;  for,  does  she  not  confer  an 
honor  on  us  by  the  action  ?     To  squeeze  it,  on  the  other 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.       107 

hand;  is  a  gross  familiarity,  for  which  you  would  deserve 
to  be  kicked  out  of  the  room. 

"  *  Steps,'  as  the  chasser  of  the  quadrille  is  called,  be- 
long to  a  past  age,  and  even  ladies  are  now  content  to 
walk  through  a  quadrille.  It  is,  however,  necessary  to 
keep  time  with  the  music,*  the  great  object  being  the 
general  harmony.  To  preserve  this,  it  is  also  advisable, 
where  the  quadrille,  as  is  now  generally  the  case,  is 
danced  by  two  long  lines  of  couples  down  .the  room,  that 
in  rSte^  and  other  figures,  in  which  a  gentleman  and  lady 
advance  alone  to  meet  one  another,  none  but  gentlemen 
should  advance  from  the  one  side,  and,  therefore,  none 
but  ladies  from  the  other. 

"  Dancing  masters  find  it  convenient  to  introduce  new 
figures,  and  the  fashion  of  La  Trenise  and  the  Grande 
Monde  is  repeatedly  changing.  It  is  wise  to  know  the 
last  mode,  but  not  to  insist  on  dancing  it.  A  quadrille 
cannot  go  on  evenly  if  any  confusion  arises  from  the 
ignorance,  obstinacy,  or  inattention  of  any  one  of  the 
dancers.  •  It  is  therefore  useful  to  know  every  way  in 
which  a  figure  may  be  danced,  and  to  take  your  cue 
from  the  others.  It  is  amusing,  however,  to  find  how 
even  such  a  trifle  as  a  choice  of  figures  in  a  quadrille 
can  help  to  mark  caste,  and  give  a  handle  for  superci- 
lious sneers.  Jones,  the  other  day,  was  protesting  that 
the  Browns  were  'vulgar.'  Why  so?  they  are  well- 
bred.'  'Yes,  so  they  are.'  'They  are  well-informed.* 
'  Certainly.'  '  They  are  polite,  speak  good  English, 
dress  quietly  and  well,  are  graceful  and  even  elegant.'* 
'  I  grant  you  all  that.'  '  Then  what  fault  can  you  find 
with  them?'     My  dear  fellow,  they  are  people  who  gal- 


108  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

lop  round  in  the  last  figure  of  a  quadrille,'  he  replied, 
triumphantly.  But  to  a  certain  extent  Jones  is  right. 
Where  a  choice  is  given,  the  man  of  taste  will  always 
select  for  a  quadrille  (as  it  is  a  conversational  dance) 
the  quieter  mode  of  performing  a  figure,  and  .so  the 
Browns,  if  perfect  in  other  respects,  at  least  were  want- 
ing in  taste.  There  is  one  alteration  lately  introduced 
from  France,  which  I  sincerely  trust,  will  be  universally 
accepted.  The  farce  of  that  degrading  little  performance 
called  '  setting' — where  you  dance  before  your  partner 
somewhat  like  Man  Friday  before  Robinson  Crusoe,  and 
then  as  if  your  feelings  were  overcome,  seize  her  hands 
and  whirl  her  round — has  been  finally  abolished  by  a 
decree  of  Fashion,  and  thus  more  opportunity  is  given 
for  conversation,  and  in  a  crowded  room  you  have  no 
occasion  to  crush  yourself  and  partner  between  the  cou- 
ples on  each  side  of  you. 

^'I  do  not  attempt  to  deny  that  the  quadrille,  as  now 
walked,  is  ridiculous ;  the  figures,  which  might  be  grace- 
ful, if  performed  in  a  lively  manner,  have  entirely  lost 
their  spirit,  and  are  become  a  burlesque  of  dancing; 
but,  at  the  same  time,  it  is  a  most  valuable  dance.  Old 
and  young,  stout  and  thin,  good  dancers  and  bad,  lazy 
and  active,  stupid  and  clever,  married  and  single,  can  all 
join  in  it,  and  have  not  only  an  excuse  and  opportunity 
for  tete-d-tSte  conversation,  which  is  decidedly  the  easi- 
est, but  find  encouragement  in  the  music,  and  in  some 
cases  convenient  breaks  in  the  necessity  of  dancing.  A 
person  of  few  ideas  has  time  to  collect  them  while  the 
partner  is  performing,  and  one  of  many  can  bring  them 
out  with  double  effect.     Lastly,  if  you  wish  to  be  polite 


ETIQUEtTE   FOR   THE   BALL   ROOM.  109 

or  friendly  to  an  acquaintance  who  dances  atrociously, 
you  can  select  a  quadrille  for  him  or  her,  as  the  case 
may  be. 

"  Very  different  in  object  and  principle  are  the  so- 
called  round  dances,  and  there  are  great  limitations  as 
to  those  who  should  join  in  them.  Here  the  intention 
is  to  enjoy  a  peculiar  physical  movement  under  peculiar 
conditions,  and  the  conversation  during  the  intervals  of 
rest  is  only  a  secondary  object.  These  dances  demand 
activity  and  lightness,  and  should  therefore  be,  as  a  rule, 
confined  to  the  young.  An  old  man  sacrifices  all  his 
dignity  in  a  polka,  and  an  old  woman  is  ridiculous  in  a 
waltz.  Corpulency,  too,  is  generally  a  great  impedi- 
ment, though  some  stout  people  prove  to  be  the  lightest 
dancers. 

"  The  morality  of  round  dances  scarcely  comes  within 
my  province.  They  certainly  can  be  made  very  indeli- 
cate ;  so  can  any  dance,  and  the  French  ca7ican  proves 
that  the  quadrille  is  no  safer  in  this  respect  than  the 
waltz.  But  it  is  a  gross  insult  to  our  daughters  and 
sisters  to  suppose  them  capable  of  any  but  the  most  in- 
nocent and  purest  enjoyment  in  the  dance,  while  of  our 
young  men  I  will  say,  that  to  the  pure  all  things  are 
pure.  Those  who  see  harm  in  it,  are  those  in  whose 
mind  evil  thoughts  must  have  arisen.  Honi  soil  qui  mal 
y  pense.  Those  who  rail  against  dancing  are  perhaps  not 
aware  that  they  do  but  follow  in  the  steps  of  the  Romish 
Church.  In  many  parts  of  the  Continent,  bishops  who 
have  never  danced  in  their  lives,  and  perhaps  never 
seen  a  dance,  have  laid  a  ban  of  excommunication  on 
waltzing.     A  story  was  told  to  me  in  Normandy  of  the 


no  gentlemen's  book  of  ei4!quette. 

worthy  Bishop  of  Bajeux,  one  of  this  number.  A  priest 
of  his  diocese  petitioned  him  to  put  down  round  dances. 
'I  know  nothing  about  them,'  replied  the  prelate,  *1 
have  never  seen  a  waltz.'  Upon  this  the  younger  eccle- 
siastic attempted  to  explain  what  it  was  and  wherein  the 
danger  lay,  but  the  bishop  could  not  eve  it.  '  Will  Mon- 
seigneur  permit  me  to  show  him  V  atked  the  priest. 
'  Certainly.  My  chaplain  here  appears  to  understand  the 
subject;  let  me  see  you  two  waltz.'  How  the  reverend 
gentlemen  came  to  know  so  much  about  it  does  not  appear, 
but  they  certainly  danced  a  polka,  a  gallop,  and  a  tims- 
te)nps  waltz.  'All  these  seem  harmless  enough.'  '  Oh  ! 
but  Monseigneur  has  not  seen  the  worst ; '  and  thereupon 
the  two  gentlemen  proceeded  to  flounder  through  a  vaUe 
a  deux-temps.  They  must  have  murdered  it  terribly,  for 
they  were  not  half  round  the  room  when  his  Lordship 
cried  out,  *  Enough,  enough,  that  is  atrocious,  and  deserves 
excommunication.'  Accordingly  this  waltz  was  forbid, 
while  the  other  dances  were  allowed.  I  was  at  a  public 
ball  at  Caen  soon  after  this  occurrence,  and  was  amused 
to  find  the  trois-temps  danced  with  .a  peculiar  shuffle,  by 
way  of  compromise  between  conscience  and  pleasure. 

"There  are  people  in  this  country  whose  logic  is  as 
good  as  that  of  the  Bishop  of  Bayeux,  but  I  confess  my 
inability  to  understand  it.  If  there  is  impropriety  in 
round  dances,  there  is  the  same  4n  all.  But  to  the  waltz, 
which  poets  have  praised  and  preachers  denounced.  The 
French,  with  all  their  love  of  danger,  waltz  atrociously, 
the  English  but  little  better ;  the  Germans  and  Bussians 
alone  understand  it.  I  could  rave  through  three  pages 
about  the  innocent  enjoyment  of  a  good  waltz,  its  grace 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.       Ill 

and  beauty,  but  I  will  fee  practical  instead,  and  give  you 
a  few  hints  on  the  subject. 

"  The  position  is  the  most  important  point.  The  ladj 
and  gentleman  before  starting  should  stand  exactly  op- 
posite to  one  another,  quite  upright,  and  not,  as  is  so 
common,  painfully  close  to  one  another.  If  the  man's 
hand  be  placed  where  it  should  be,  at  the  centre  of  the 
lady's  waist,  and  not  all  round  it,  he  will  have  as  firm  a 
hold  and  not  be  obliged  to  stoop,  or  bend  to  his  right. 
The  lady's  head  should  then  be  turned  a  little  towards 
her  left  shoulder,  and  her  partner's  somewhat  less  to- 
wards his  right,  in  order  to  preserve  the  proper  balance. 
Nothing  can  be  more  atrocious  than  to  see  a  lady  lay 
her  head  on  her  partner's  shoulder ;  but,  on  the  other 
hand,  she  will  not  dance  well,  if  she  turns  it  in  the  oppo- 
site direction.  The  lady  again  should  throw  her  head 
and  shoulders  a  little  back,  and  the  man  lean  a  very 
little  forward. 

"  The  position  having  been  gained,  the  step  is  the 
next  question.  In  Germany  the  rapidity  of  the  w^altz  is 
very  great,  but  it  is  rendered  elegant  by  slackening  the 
pace  every  now  and  then,  and  thus  giving  a  crescendo 
and  decrescendo  time  to  the  movement.  The  Russian 
men  undertake  to  perform  in  waltzing  the  same  feat  as 
the  Austrians  in  riding,  and  will  dance  round  the  room 
\-ith  a  glass  of  champagne  in  the  left  hand  without  spill- 
ing a  drop.  This  evenness  in  waltzing  is  certainly  very 
graceful,  but  can  only  be  attained  by  a  long  sliding  step, 
which  is  little  practised  where  the  rooms  are  small,  and 
people,  not  understanding  the  real  pleasure  of  dancing 
well,  insist  on  dancing  all  at  the  same  time.     In  Ger- 


112  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

many  they  are  so  alive  to  tlie  nwjessity  of  ample  space, 
that  in  large  balls  a  rope  is  drawn  across  the  room  ;  its 
two  ends  are  held  by  the  masters  of  the  ceremonies  pro^ 
tern.,  and  as  one  couple  stops  and  retires,  another  is  al- 
lowed to  pass  under  the  rope  and  take  its  place.  But 
then  in  Germany  they  dance  for  the  dancing's  sake. 
However  this  may  be,  an  even  motion  is  very  desirable, 
and  all  the  abominations  which  militate  against  it,  such 
as  hop-waltzes,  the  Schottische,  and  ridiculous  Varso- 
vienne,  are  justly  put  down  in  good  society.  The  pace, 
again,  should  not  be  sufficiently  rapid  to  endanger  other 
couples.  It  is  the  gentleman's  duty  to  steer,  and  in 
crowded  rooms  nothing  is  more  trying.  He  must  keep 
his  eyes  open  and  turn  them  in  every  direction,  if  he 
would  not  risk  .a  collision,  and  the  chance  of  a  fall,  or 
what  is  as  bad,  the  infliction  of  a  wound  on  his  partner's 
arm.  I  have  seen  a  lady's  arm  cut  open  in  such  a  col- 
lision by  the  bracelet  of  that  of  another  lady ;  and  the 
sight  is  by  no  means  a  pleasant  one  in  a  ball  room,  to 
say  nothing  of  a  new  dress  covered  in  a  moment  with 
blood. 

"  The  consequences  of  violent  dancing  may  be  really 
serious.  Not  only  do  delicate  girls  bring  on,  thereby,  a 
violent  palpitation  of  the  heart,  and  their  partners  ap- 
pear in  a  most  disagreeable  condition  of  solution,  but 
dangerous  falls  ensue  from  it.  I  have  known  instances 
of  a  lady's  head  being  laid  open,  and  a  gentleman's  foot 
being  broken  in  such  a  fall,  resulting,  poor  fellow !  in 
lameness  for  life. 

*'  It  is,  perhaps,  useless  to  recommend  flat-foot  waltz- 
ing in  this  country,  where  ladies  allow  themselves  to  be 


I 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.        113 

almost  hugged  by  their  partners,  and  where  men  think 
it  necessary  to  lift  a  lady  almost  oiF  the  ground,  but  I 
am  persuaded  that  if  it  were  introduced,  the  outcry 
against  the  impropriety  of  waltzing  would  soon  cease. 
Nothing  can  be  more  delicate  than  the  way  in  which  a 
German  holds  his  partner.  It  is  impossible  to  dance  on 
the  flat  foot  unless  tlie  lady  and  gentleman  are  quite  free 
of  one  another,  ift  hand,  therefore,  goes  no  further 
round  her  waist  than  to  the  hooks  and  eyes  of  her  dress, 
hers,  no  higher  than  to  his  elbow.  Thus  danced,  the 
waltz  is  smooth,  graceful,  and  delicate,  and  we  could 
never  in  Germany  complain  of  our  daughter's  languish- 
ing on  a  young  man's  shoulder.  On  the  other  hand, 
nothing  is  more  graceless  and  absurd  than  to  see  a  man 
waltzing  on  the  tips  of  his  toes,  lifting  his  partner  off 
the  ground,  or  twirling  round  and  round  with  her  like 
the  figures  on  a  street  organ.  The  test  of  waltzing  in 
time  is  to  be  able  to  stamp  the  time  with  the  left  foot. 
A  good  flat-foot  waltzer  can  dance  on  one  foot  as  well  as 
on  two,  but  I  would  not  advise  him  to  try  it  in  public, 
lest,  like  Mr.  Rarey's  horse  on  three  legs,  he  should 
come  to  the  ground  in  a  luckless  moment.  The  legs 
should  be  very  little  bent  in  dancing,  the  body  still  less 
so.  I  do  not  know  whether  it  be  worse  to  see  a  man  sit 
down  in  a  waltz,  or  to  find  him  with  his  head  poked  for- 
ward over  your  young  wife's  shoulder,  hot,  red,  wild,  and 
in  far"  too  close  proximity  to  the  partner  of  your  bosom, 
whom  he  makes  literally  the  partner  of  his  own. 

"The  'Lancers'  are  a  revival,  after  many  long  years, 
and,  perhaps,  we  may  soon  have  a  drawing-room  adapta- 
tion of  the  Morris-dance. 
8 


114  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

"  The  only  advice,  therefore,  which  it  is  necessary  to 
give  to  those  who  wish  to  dance  the  polka  may  be 
summed  up  in  one  word,  'don't.'  Not  so  with  the  galop. 
The  remarks  as  to  the  position  in  waltzing  apply  to  all 
round  dances,  and  there  is,  therefore,  little  to  add  with 
regard  to  the  galop,  except  that  it  is  a  great  mistake  to 
suppose  it  to  be  a  rapid  dance.  It  should  be  danced  as 
slowly  as  possible.  It  will  then  b5*  more  graceful  and 
less  fatiguing.  It  is  danced  quite  slowly  in  Germany 
and  on  the  flat  foot.  The  polka-mazurka  is  still  much 
danced,  and  is  certainly  very  graceful.  The  remarks  on 
the  quadrille  apply  equally  to  the  lancers,  which  are  great 
favorites,  and  threaten  to  take  the  place  of  the  former. 
The  schottische,  hop-waltz,  redowa,  varsovienne,  cellarius, 
and  so  forth,  have  had  their  day,  and  are  no  longer 
danced  in  good  society. 

"  The  calm  ease  which  marks  the  man  of  good  taste, 
makes  even  the  swiftest  dances  graceful  and  agreeable. 
Vehemence  may  be  excused  at  an  election,  but  not  in  a 
ball  room.  I  once  asked  a  beautiful  and  very  clever 
young  lady  how  she,  who  seemed  to  pass  her  life  with 
books,  managed  to  dance  so  well.  '  I  enjoy  it,*  she  re- 
plied ;  '  and  when  I  dance  I  give  my  whole  mind  to  it.* 
And  she  was  quite  right.  Whatever  is  worth  doing  at 
all,  is  worth  doing  well ;  and  if  it  is  not  beneath  your 
dignity  to  dance,  it  is  not  unworthy  of  your  mind  to 
give  itself,  for  the  time,  wholly  up  to  it.  You  will  never 
enjoy  dancing  till  you  do  it  well ;  and,  if  you  do  not 
enjoy  it,  it  is  folly  to  dance.  But,  in  reality,  dancing, 
if  it  be  a  mere  trifle,  is  one  to  which  great  minds  have 
not  been  ashamed  to  stoop.     Locke,  for  instance,  haa 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  BALL  ROOM.       116 

written  on  its  utility,  and  speaks  of  it  as  manly,  which 
was  certainly  not  Michal's  opihion,  when  she  looked  out 
of  the  window  and  saw  her  lord  and  master  dancing  and 
playing.  Plato  recommended  it,  and  Socrates  learned 
the  Athenian  polka  of  the  day  when  quite  an  old  gentle- 
man, and  liked  it  very  much.  Some  one  has  even  gone 
the  length  of  calling  it  '  the  logic  of  the  body ;'  and 
Addison  defends  himself  for  making  it  the  subject  of  a 
disquisition." 


116  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER    VII. 

DRESS. 

Between  the  sloven  and  the  coxcomb  therfe  is  gene- 
rally a  competition  which  shall  be  the  more  contemptible: 
the  one  in  the  total  neglect  of  every  thing  which  might 
make  his  appearance  in  public  supportable,  and  the 
other  in  the  cultivation  of  every  superfluous  ornament. 
The  former  offends  by  his  negligence  and  dirt,  and  the 
latter  by  his  finery  and  perfumery.  Each  entertains  a 
supreme  contempt  for  the  other,  and  while  both  are 
right  in  their  opinion,  both  are  wrong  in  their  practice. 
It  is  not  in  either  extreme  that  the  man  of  real  elegance 
and  refinement  will  be  shown,  but  in  the  happy  medium 
which  allows  taste  and  judgment  to  preside  over  the 
wardrobe  and  toilet-table,  while  it  prevents  too  great  an 
attention  to  either,  and  never  allows  personal  appearance 
to  become  the  leading  object  of  life. 

The  French  have  a  proverb,  "  It  is  not  the  cowl  which 
makes  the  monk,"  and  it  might  be  said  with  equal  truth, 
"It  is  not  the  dress  which  makes  the  gentleman,"  yet, 
as  -the  monk  is  known  abroad  by  his  cowl,  so  the  true 
gentleman  will  let  the  refinement  of  his  mind  and  educa- 
tion be  seen  in  his  dress. 
i  The  first  rule  for  the  guidance  of  a  man,  in  matters. 


DRESS.  117 

of  dress,  should  be,  "Let  the  dress  suit  the  occasion." 
It  is  as  absurd  for  a  man  to  go  into  the  street  in 
the  morning  with  his  dress-coat,  white  kid  gloves,  and 
dancing-boots,  as  it  would  be  for  a  lady  to  promenade 
the  fashionable  streets,  in  full  evening  dress,  or  for  the 
same  man  to  present  himself  in  the  ball-room  with  heavy 
walking-boots,  a  great  coat,  and  riding-cap. 

It  is  true  that  there  is  little  opportunity  for  a  gentle- 
man to  exercise  his  taste  for  coloring,  in  the  black  and 
white  dress  which  fashion  so  imperatively  declares  to  be 
the  proper  dress  for  a  dress  occasion.  He  may  indulge 
in  light  clothes  in  the  street  during  the  warm  months  of 
the  year,  but  for  the  ball  or  evening  party,  black  and 
white  are  the  only  colors  (or  no  colors)  admissible,  and 
in  the  midst  of  the  gay  dresses  of  the  ladies,  the  unfortu- 
nate man  in  his  sombre  dress  appears  like  a  demon  who 
has  found  his  way  into  Paradise  among  the  angels. 
N'importe  !  Men  should  be  useful  to  the  women,  and 
how  can  they  be  better  employed  than  acting  as  a  foil 
for  their  loveliness  of  face  and  dress ! 

Notwithstanding  the  dress,  however,  a  man  may  make 
himself  agreeable,  even  in  the  earthly  Paradise,  a  ball- 
room. He  can  rise  above  the  mourning  of  his  coat,  to 
the  joyousness  of  the  occasion,  and  make  himself  valued 
for  himself,  not  his  dress.  He  can  make  himself  admired 
for  his  wit,  not  his  toilette ;  his  elegance  and  refinement, 
not  the  price  of  his  clothes. 

There  is  another  good  rule  for  the  dressing-room : 
While  you  are  engaged  in  dressing  give  your  whole 
attention  to  it.  See  that  every  detail  is  perfect,  and 
that  each  article  is   neatly  arranged.     From  the  curl  of 


118  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette.  • 

your  hair  to  the  tip  of  your  boot,  let  all  be  perfect  in  its 
make  and  arrangement,  but,  as  soon  as  you  have  left 
your  mirror,  forget  your  dress.  Nothing  betokens  the 
coxcomb  more  decidedly  than  to  see  a  man  always  fuss- 
ing about  his  dress,  pulling  down  his  wristbands,  playing 
with  his  moustache,  pulling  up  his  shirt  collar,  or  arrang- 
ing the  bow  of  his  cravat.  Once  dressed,  do  not  attempt 
to  alter  any  part  of  your  costume  until  you  are  again  in 
the  dressing-room. 

In  a  gentleman's  dress  any  attempt  to  be  conspicuous 
is  in  excessively  bad  taste.  If  you  are  wealthy,  let  the 
luxury  of  your  dress  consist  in  the  fine  quality  of  each 
article,  and  in  the  spotless  purity  of  gloves  and  linen, 
but  never  wear  much  jewelry  or  any  article  conspicuous 
on  account  of  its  money  value.  Simplicity  should  always 
preside  over  the  gentleman's  wardrobe. 

Follow  fashion  as  far  ks  is  necessary  to  avoid  eccen- 
tricity or  oddity  in  your  costume,  but  avoid  the  extreme 
of  the  prevailing  mode.  If  coats  are  worn  long,  yours 
need  not  sweep  the  ground,  if  they  are  loose,  yours  may 
still  have  some  fitness  for  your  figure  ;  if  pantaloons  are 
cut  large  over  the  boot,  yours  need  not  cover  the  whole 
foot,  if  they  are  tight,  you  may  still  take  room  to  walk. 
Above  all,  let  your  figure  and  style  of  face  have  some 
weight  in  deciding  how  far  you  are  to  follow  fashion. 
For  a  very  tall  man  to  wear  a  high,  narrow-brimmed 
hat,  long-tailed  coat,  and  tight  pantaloons,  w^ith  a  pointed 
beard  and  hair  brushed  up  from  the  forehead,  is  not 
more  absurd  than  for  a  short,  fat  man,  to  promenade  the 
street  in  a  low,  broad-brimmed  hat,  loose  coat  and  pants, 


DRESS.  119 

and  the  latter  made  of  large  plaid  material,  and  yet  bur- 
lesques quite  as  broad  may  be  met  with  every  day. 

An  English  writer,  ridiculing  the  whims  of  Fashion, 
says : — 

"  To  be  in  the  fashion,  an  Englishman  must  wear  six 
pairs  of  gloves  in  a  day  : 

*'  In  the  morning,  he  must  drive  his  hunting  wagon  in 
reindeer  gloves. 

"  In  hunting,  he  must  wear  gloves  of  chamois  skin. 

"  To  enter  London  in  his  tilbury,  beaver  skin  gloves. 

"  Later  in  the  day,  to  promenade  in  Hyde  Park,  co- 
lored kid  gloves,  dark. 

"  When  he  dines  out,  colored  kid  gloves,  light. 

"For  the  ball-room,  white  kid  gloves." 

Thus  his  yearly  bill  for  gloves  alone  will  amount  to  a 
most  extravagant  sum. 

In  order  to  merit  the  appellation  of  a  well-dressed 
man,  you  must  pay  attention,  not  only  to  the  more  pro- 
minent articles  of  your  wardrobe,  coat,  pants,  and  vest, 
but  to  the  more  minute  details.     A  shirtfront  which  fits 
badly,  a  pair  of  wristbands  too  wide  or  too  narrow,  a 
badly  brushed  hat,  a  shabby  pair  of  gloves,  or  an  ill-fit- 
ting boot,  will  spoil  the  most  elaborate  costume.    Purity   \ 
of  skin,  t^eth,  nails  ;  well  brushed  hair ;  linen  fresh  and    I 
snowy  white,  will  make  clothes  of  the  coarsest  material,     I 
if  well  made,  look  more  elegant,  than  the  finest  material  J 
of  cloth,  if  these  details  are  neglected. 

Frequent    bathing,    careful    attention   to   the    teeth, 
nails,  ears,   and  hair,  are   indispensable   to   a  finished     J 
toilette. 


120  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Use  but  very  little  perfume,  much  of  it  is  in  bad 
taste. 

Let  your  hair,  beard,  and  moustache,  be  always  per- 
fectly smooth,  well  arranged,  and  scrupulously  clean. 

It  is  better  to  clean  the  teeth  with  a  piece  of  sponge, 
or  very  soft  brush,  than  with  a  stiff  brush,  and  there  is 
no  dentifrice  so  good  as  White  Castile  Soap. 

Wear  always  gloves  and  boots,  which  fit  well  and  are 
fresh  and  whole.  Soiled  or  torn  gloves  and  boots  ruin  a 
costume  otherwise  fjiultless. 

Extreme  propriety  should  be  observed  in  dress.  Bo 
careful  ^to  dress  according  to  your  means.  Too  great 
saving  is  meanness,  too  great  expense  is  extravagance. 

A  young  man  may  follow  the  fashion  farther  than  a 
middle-aged  or  elderly  man,  but  let  him  avoid  going  to 
the  extreme  of  the  mode,  if  he  would  not  be  taken  for 
an  empty  headed  fop. 

It  is  best  to  employ  a  good  tailor,  as  a  suit  of  coarse 
broadcloth  which  fits  you  perfectly,  and  is  stylish  in  cut, 
will  make  a  more  elegant  dress  than  the  finest  material 
badly  made. 

Avoid  eccentricity ;  it  marks,  not  the  man  of  genius, 
but  the  fool. 

A  well  brushed  hat,  and  glossy  boots  must  be  always 
worn  in  the  street. 

White  gloves  are  the  only  ones  to  be  worn  with  full 
dress. 

A  snuff  box,  watch,  studs,  sleeve-buttons,  watch-chain, 
and  one  ring  are  all  the  jewelry  a  well-dressed  man  can 
wear. 


DRESS.  121 

An  English  author,  in  a  recent  work,  gives  the  follow- 
ing rules  for  a  gentleman's  dress ; 

"  The  best  bath  for  general  purposes,  and  one  which 
can  do  little  harm,  and  almost  always  some  good,  is  a  ^ 
sponge  bath.  It  should  consist  of  a  large,  flat  metal  ft 
basin,  some  four  feet  in  diam,eter,  filled  with  cold  water.  I 
Such  a  vessel  may  be  bought  for  about  fifteen  shillings. 
A  large,  coarse  sponge — the  coarser  the  better — will  cost 
another  five  or  seven  shillings,  and  a  few  Turkish  towels 
complete  the  *  properties.'  The  water  should  be  plenti- 
ful and  fresh,  that  is,  brought  up  a  little  while  before  the 
bath  is  to  be  used ;  not  placed  over  night  in  the  bed- 
room. Let  us  wash  and  be  merry,  for  we  know  not  how 
soon  the  supply  of  that  precious  article  which  here  costs 
nothing  may  be  cut  off.  In  many  continental  tow^ns 
they  buy  their  water,  and  on  a  protracted  sea  voyage 
the  ration  is  often  reduced  to  half  a  pint  a  day  for  all 
purposes,  so  that  a  pint  per  diem  is  considered  luxurious. 
Sea-water,  we  may  here  observe,  does  not  cleanse,  and 
a  sensible  man  who  bathes  in  the  sea  will  take  a  bath  of 
pure  water  immediately  after  it.  This  practice  is  shame- 
fully neglected,  and  I  am  inclined  to  think  that  in  many 
cases  a  sea-bath  will  do  more  harm  than  good  without 
it,  but,  if  followed  by  a  fresh  bath,  cannot  but  be  ad- 
vantageous. 

"  Taking  the  sponge  bath  as  the  best  for  ordinary  pur- 
poses, we  must  point  out  some  rules  in  its  use.  The 
sponge  being  nearly  a  foot  in  length,  and  six  inches 
broad,  must  be  allowed  to  fill  completely  with  water,  and 
the  part  of  the  body  which  should  be  first  attacked  is 
the  stomach.     It  is  there  that  the  most  heat  has  col- 


122  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

lected  during  the  night,  and  the  application  of  coli 
water  quickens  the  circulation  at  once,  and  sends  the* 
blood  which  has  been  employed  in  digestion  round  the 
whole  body.  The  head  should  next  be  soused,  unless 
the  person  be  of  full  habit,  when  the  head  should  be  at- 
tacked before  the  feet  touch  the  cold  water  at  all.  Some 
persons  use  a  small  hand  shower  bath,  which  is  less  power- 
ful than  the  common  shower  bath,  and  does  almost  as  much 
good.  The  use  of  soap  in  the  morning  bath  is  an  open 
question.  I  confess  a  preference  for  a  rough  towel,  or 
a  hair  glove.  Brummell  patronized  the  latter,  and  ap- 
plied it  for  nearly  a  quarter  of  an  hour  every  morning. 

"  The  ancients  followed  up  the  bath  by  anointing  the 
body,  and  athletic  exercises.  The  former  is  a  mistake ; 
the  latter,  an  excellent  practice,  shamefully  neglected  in 
the  present  day.  It  would  conduce  much  to  health  and 
strength  if  every  morning  toilet  comprised  the  vigorous 
use  of  the  dumb-bells,  or,  still  better,  the  exercise  of  the 
arms  without  them.  The  best  plan  of  all  is,  to  choose 
some  object  in  your  bed-room  on  which  to  vent  your 
hatred,  and  box  at  it  violently  for  some  ten  minutes,  till 
the  perspiration  covers  you.  The  sponge  must  then  be 
again  applied  to  the  whole  body.  It  is  very  desirable 
to  remain  without  clothing  as  long  as  possible,  and  I 
should  therefore  recommend  that  every  part  of  the  toilet 
which  can  conveniently  be  performed  without  dressing, 
should  be  so 

"  The  next  duty,  then,  must  be  to  clean  the  Teeth. 
Dentists  are  modern  inquisitors,  but  their  torture-rooms 
are  meant  only  for  the  foolish.  Everybody  is  born  with 
good  teeth,  and  everybody  might  keep  them  good  by  a 


DRESS.  123 

proper  diet,  and  the  avoidance  of  sweets  and  smoking. 
Of  the  two  the  former  are,  perhaps,  the  more  dangerous. 
Nothing  ruins  the  teeth  so  soon  as  sugar  in  one's  tea, 
and  highly  sweetened  tarts  and  puddings,  and  as  it  is  le 
premier  pas  qui  coute,  these  should  be  particularly 
avoided  in  childhood.  When  the  teeth  attain  their  full 
growth  and  strength  it  takes  much  more  to  destroy  either 
their  enamel  or  their  substance. 

*'It  is  upon  the  teeth  that  the  effects  of  excess  are  first 
seen,  and  it  is  upon  the  teeth  that  the  odor  of  the  breath 
depends.  If  I  may  not  say  that  it  is  a  Christian  duty 
to  keep  your  teeth  clean,  I  may,  at  least,  remind  you 
that  you  cannot  be  thoroughly  agreeable  without  doing 
so.  Let  words  be  what  they  may,  if  they  come  with  an 
impure  odor,  they  cannot  please.  The  butterfly  loves 
the  scent  of  the  rose  more  than  its  honey. 

^'  The  teeth  should  be  well  rubbed  inside  as  well  as 
outside,  and  the  back  teeth  even  more  than  the  front. 
The  mouth  should  then  be  rinsed,  if  not  seven  times,  ac- 
cording to  the  Hindu  legislator,  at  least  several  times, 
with  fresh,  cold  water.  This  same  process  should  be  re- 
peated several  times  a  day,  since  eating,  smoking,  and 
so  forth,  naturally  render  the  teeth  and  mouth  dirty 
more  or  less,  and  nothing  can  be  so  offensive,  particularly 
to  ladies,  whose  sense  of  smell  seems  to  be  keener  than 
that  of  the  other  sex,  and  who  can  detect  at  your  first 
approach  whether  you  have  been  drinking  or  smoking. 
But,  if  only  for  your  own  comfort,  you  should  brush 
your  teeth  both  morning  and  evening,  which  is  quite 
requisite  for  the  preservation  of  their  soundness  and 
color;    while,  if   you   are  to  mingle  with  others,  they 


124  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

should  be  brushed,  or,  at  least,  the  mouth  well  rinsed 
after  every  meal,  still  more  after  smoking,  or  drinking 
wine,  beer,  or  spirits.  No  amount  of  genera}  attrac- 
tiveness can  compensate  for  an  offensive  odor  in  the 
breath;  and  none  of  the  senses  is  so  fine  a  gentleman, 
none  so  unforgiving,  if  offended,  as  that  of  smell. 

"Strict  attention  must  be  paid  to  the  condition  of  the 
nails,  and  that  both  as  regards  cleaning  and  cutting. 
The  former  is  best  done  with  a  liberal  supply  of  soap  on 
a  small  nail-brush,  which  should  be  used  before  every 
meal,  if  you  would  not  injure  your  neighbor's  appetite. 
While  the  hand  is  still  moist,  the  point  of  a  small  pen- 
knife or  pair  of  stumpy  nail-scissors  should  be  passed 
under  the  nails  so  as  to  remove  every  vestige  of  dirt ; 
the  skin  should  be  pushed  down  with  a  towel,  that  the 
white  half-moon  may  be  seen,  and  the  finer  skin  removed 
with  the  knife  or  scissors.  Occasionally  the  edges  of  the 
nails  should  -be  filed,  and  the  hard  skin  which  forms 
round  the  corners  of  them  cut  away.  The  important 
point  in  cutting  the  nails  is  to  preserve  the  beauty  of 
their  shape.  That  beauty,  even  in  details,  is  worth  pre- 
serving, I  have  already  remarked,  and  we  may  study  it 
as  much  in  paring  our  nails,  as  in  the  grace  of  our  atti- 
tudes, or  any  other  point.  The  shape,  then,  of  the  nail 
should  approach,  as  nearly  as  possible,  to  the  oblong. 
The  length  of  the  nail  is  an  open  question.  Let  it  be 
often  cut,  but  always  long,  in  my  opinion.  Above  all, 
let  it  be  well  cut,  and  never  bitten. 

"  Perhaps  you  tell  me  these  are  childish  details.  De 
tails,  yes,  but  not  childish.  The  attention  to  details  is 
the  true  sign  of  a  great  mind,  and  he  who  can  in  neces- 


DRESS.  126 

sity  consider  the  smallest,  is  the  same  man  who  can  com- 
pass the  largest  subjects.  Is  not  life  made  up  of  details? 
Must  n'ot  the  artist  who  has  conceived  a  picture,  descend 
from  the  dream  of  his  mind  to  mix  colors  on  a  palette  ? 
Must  not  the  great  commander  who  is  bowling  down  na- 
tions and  setting  up  monarchies  care  for  the  health  and 
comfort,  the  bread  and  beef  of  each  individual  soldier  ? 
I  have  often  seen  a  great  poet,  whom  I  knew  personally, 
counting  on  his  fingers  the  feet  of  his  verses,  and  fret- 
ting with  anything  but  poetic  language,  because  he  could 
not  get  his  sense  into  as  many  syllables.  What  if  his 
nails  were  dirty  ?  Let  genius  talk  of  abstract  beauty,  and 
philosophers  dogmatize  on  order.  If  they  do  not  keep 
their  nails  clean,  I  shall  call  them  both  charlatans.  The 
man  who  really  loves  beauty  will  cultivate  it  in  every- 
thing around  him.  The  man  who  upholds  order  is  not 
conscientious  if  he  cannot  observe  it  in  his  nails.  The 
great  mind  can  afi'ord  to  descend  to  details ;  it  is  only 
the  weak  mind  that  fears  to  be  narrowed  by  them. 
When  Napoleon  was  at  Munich  he  declined  the  grand 
four-poster  of  the  Witelsbach  family,  and  slept,  as  usual, 
in  his  little  camp-bed.  The  power  to  be  Kttle  is  a  proof 
of  greatness. 

"  For  the  hands,  ears,  and  neck  we  want  something 
more  than  the  bath,  and,  as  these  parts  are  exposed  and 
really  lodge  fugitive  pollutions,  we  cannot  use  too  much 
soap,  or  give  too  much  trouble  to  their  complete  purifi- 
cation. Nothing  is  lovelier  than  a  woman's  small,  white, 
shell-like  ear ;  few  things  reconcile  us  better  to  earth 
than  the  cold  hand  and  warm  heart  of  a  friend ;  but,  to 
complete  the  charm,  the  hand  should  be  both  clean  and 


126  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

soft.  Warm  water,  a  liberal  use  of  the  nail-brush,  and 
no  stint  of  soap,  produce  this  amenity  far  more  effectu- 
ally than  honey,  cold  cream,  and  almond  paste.  Of 
wearing  gloves  I  shall  speak  elsewhere,  but  for  weak 
people  who  are  troubled  with  chilblains,  they  are  indis- 
pensable all  the  year  round.  I  will  add  a  good  pre- 
scription for  the  cure  of  chilblains,  which  are  both  a 
disfigurement,  and  one  of  the  petites  miseres  of  human 
life. 

"'Roll  the  fingers  in  linen  bandages,  sew  them  up 
well,  and  dip  them  twice  or  thrice  a  day  in  a  mixture, 
consisting  of  half  a  fluid  ounce  of  tincture  of  capsicum, 
and  a  fluid  ounce  of  tincture  of  opium.' 

"The  person  who  invented  razors  libelled  Nature,  and 
added  a  fresh  misery  to  the  days  of  man. 

"  Whatever  Punch  may  say,  the  moustache  and  beard 
movement  is  one  in  the  right  direction,  proving  that  men 
are  beginning  to  appreciate  beauty  and  to  acknowledge 
that  Nature  is  the  best  valet.  But  it  is  very  amusing  to 
hear  men  excusing  their  vanity  on  the  plea  of  health, 
and  find  them  indulging  in  the  hideous  'Newgate  frill' 
as  a  kind  of  compromise  between  the  beard  and  the 
razor.  There  was  a  time  when  it  was  thought  a  pre- 
sumption and  vanity  to  wear  one's  own  hair  instead  of 
the  frightful  elaborations  of  the  wig-makers,  and  the 
false  curls  which  Sir  Godfrey  Kneller  did  his  best  to 
make  graceful  on  canvas.  Who  knows  that  at  some  fu- 
ture age  some  Punch  of  the  twenty-first  century  may 
not  ridicule  the  wearing  of  one's  own  teeth  instead  of 
the  dentist's  ?  At  any  rate  Nature  knows  best,  and  no 
man  need  be  ashamed  of  showing  his  manhood  in  the 


DRESS.  127 

hair  of  his  face.  Of  razors  and  shaving,  therefore,  I 
Bhall  only  speak  from  necessity,  because,  until  everybody 
is  sensible  on  this  point,  they  will  still  be  used. 

"Napoleon  shaved  himself.  *A  born  king,'  said  he, 
*has  another  to  shave  him.  A  made  king  can  use  his 
own  razor.'  But  the  war  he  made  on  his  chin  was  very 
different  to  that  he  made  on  foreign  potentates.  He 
took  a  very  long  time  to  effect  it,  talking  between  whiles 
to  his  hangers-on.  The  great  man,  however,  was  right, 
and  every  sensible  man  will  shave  himself,  if  only  as  an 
exercise  of  character,  for  a  man  should  learn  to  live,  in 
every  detail  without  assistance.  Moreover,  in  most 
cases,  we  shave  ourselves  better  than  barbers  can  do. 
If  we  shave  at  all,  we  should  do  it  thoroughly,  and  every 
morning.  Nothing,  except  a  frown  and  a  hay-fever,* 
makes  the  face  look  so  unlovely  as  a  chin  covered  with 
short  stubble.  The  chief  requirements  are  hot  water,  a 
large,  soft  brush  of  badger  hair,  a  good  razor,  soft  soap 
that  will  not  dry  rapidly,  and  a  steady  hand.  Cheap 
razors  are  a  fallacy.  They  soon  lose  their  edge,  and  no 
amount  of  stropping  will  restore  it.  A  good  razor  needs 
no  strop.  If  you  can  afford  it,  you  should  have  a  case 
of  seven  razors,  one  for  each  day  of  the  week,  so  that 
no  one  shall  be  too  much  used.  There  are  now  much 
used  packets  of  papers  of  a  certain  kind  on  which  to 
wipe  the  razor,  and  which  keep  its  edge  keen,  and  are  a 
substitute  for  the  strop. 

*'  Beards,  moustaches,  and  whiskers,  have  always  been 
most  important  additions  to  the  face.  In  the  present 
day  literary  men  are  much  given  to  their  growth,  and  in 
that  respect  show  at  once  their  taste  and  their  vanity. 


128  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Let  no  man  be  ashamed  of  his  beard,  if  it  be  well  kept 
and  not  fantastically  cut.  The  moustache  should  be 
kept  within  limits.  The  Hungarians  wear  it  so  long  that 
they  can  tie  the  ends  round  their  heads.  The  style  of 
the  beard  should  be  adopted  to  suit  the  face.  A.  broad 
face  should  wear  a  large,  full  one  ;  a  long  face  is  improved 
by  a  sharp-pointed  one.  Taylor,  the  water  poet,  wrote 
verses  on  the  various  styles,  and  they  are  almost  num- 
berless. The  chief  point  is  to  keep  the  beard  well-combed 
and  in  neat  trim. 

"  As  to  whiskers,  it  is  not  every  man  who  can  achieve 
a  pair  of  full  length.  There  is  certainly  a  great  vanity 
about  them,  but  it  may  be  generally  said  that  foppishness 
should  be  avoided  in  this  as  in  most  other  points.  Above 
all,  the  whiskers  should  never  be  curled,  nor  pulled  out  to 
an  absurd  length.  Still  worse  is  it  to  cut  them  close  with 
the  scissors.  The  moustache  should  be  neat  and  not  too 
large,  and  such  fopperies  as  cutting  the  points  thereof, 
or  twisting  them  up  to  the  fineness  of  needles — though 
patronized  by  the  Emperor  of  the  French — are  decidedly 
a  proof  of  vanity.  If  a  man  wear  the  hair  on  his  face 
which  nature  has  given  him,  in  the  manner  that  nature 
distributes  it,  keeps  it  clean,  and  prevents  its  overgrowth, 
he  cannot  do  wrong.  .  All  extravagances  are  vulgar, 
because  they  are  evidence  of  a  pretence  to  being  better 
than  you  are ;  but  a  single  extravagance  unsupported  is 
perhaps  worse  than  a  number  together,  which  have  at 
least  the  merit  of  consistency.  If  you  copy  puppies  in 
the  half-yard  of  whisker,  you  should  have  their  dress 
and  their  manner  too,  if  you  would  not  appear  doubly 
absurd. 


DRESS.  129 

"  The  same  remarks  apply  to  the  arrangement  of  the 
hair  in  men,  which  should  be  as  simple  and  as  natural  as 
possible,  but  at  the  same  time  a  little  may  be  granted  to 
beauty  and  the  requirements  of  the  face.  For  my  part 
I  can  see  nothing  unmanly  in  wearing  long  hair,  though 
undoubtedly  it  is  inconvenient  and  a  temptation  to  vanity, 
while  its  arrangement  would  demand  an  amount  of  time 
and  attention  which  is  unworthy  of  a  man.  But  every 
nation  and  every  age  has  had  a  different  custom  in  this 
respect,  and  to  this  day  even  in  Europe  the  hair  is  some- 
times worn  long.  The  German  student  is  particularly 
partial  to  hyacinthine  locks  curling  over  a  black  velvet 
coat ;  and  the  peasant  of  Brittany  looks  very  handsome, 
if  not  always  clean,  with  his  love-locks  hanging  straight 
down  under  a  broad  cavalier  hat.  Religipn  has  gene- 
rally taken  up  the  matter  severely.  The  old  fathers 
preached  and  railed  against  wigs,  the  Calvinists  raised 
an  insurrection  in  Bordeaux  on  the  same  account,  and 
English  Roundheads  consigned  to  an  unmentionable 
place  every  man  who  allowed  his  hair  to  grow  according 
to  nature.  The  Romans  condemned  tresses  as  unmanly, 
and  in  France  in  the  middle  ages  the  privilege  to  wear 
them  was  confined  to  'royalty.  Our  modern  custom  was 
a  revival  of  the  French  revolution,  so  that  in  this  re- 
spect we  are  now  republican  as  well  as  puritanical. 

If  wis  conform  to  fashion  we  should  at  least  make  the 

best  of  it,  and  since  the  main  advantage  of  short  hair  is 

its  neatness,  we   should   take   care  to   keep   ours   neat. 

This  should  be  done  first  by  frequent  visits  to  the  barber, 

for  if  the  hair  is  to  be  short  at  all  it  should  be  very  short. 

and  nothing  looks  more  untidy  than  long,  stiff,  uncurled 
9 


y 


130  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

masses  sticking  out  over  the  ears.  If  it  curls  naturally 
80  much  the  better,  but  if  not  it  will  be  easier  to  keep  in 
order.  The  next  point  is  to  wash  the  head  every  morn- 
ing, which,  when  once  habitual,  is  a  great  preservative 
against  cold.  A  pair  of  large  brushes,  hard  or  soft,  as 
your  case  requires,  should  be  used,  not  to  hammer  the 
head  with,  but  to  pass  up  under  the  hair  so  as  to  reach 
the  roots.  As  to  pomatum,  Macassar,  and  other  inven- 
tiois  of  the  hair-dresser,  I  have  only  to  say  that,  if  used 
at  all,  it  should  be  in  moderation,"and  never  sufficiently 
to  make  their  scent  perceptible  in  company.  Of  course 
the  arrangement  will  be  a  matter  of  individual  taste,  but 
as  the  middle  of  the  hair  is  the  natural  place  for  a  part- 
ing, it  is  rather  a  silly  prejudice  to  think  a  man  vain  who 
parts  his  hair-  in  the  centre.  He  is  less  blamable  than 
one  who  is  too  lazy  to  part  it  all,  and  has  always  the 
appearance  of  having  just  got  up. 

"  Of  wigs  and  false  hair,  the  subject  of  satires  and 
sermons  since  the  days  of  the  Roman  Emperors,  I  shall 
say  nothing  here  except  that  they  are  a  practical  false- 
hood which  may  sometimes  be  necessary,  but  is  rarely 
successful.  For  my  part  I  prefer  the  snows  of  life's 
winter  to  the  best  made  peruke,  and^aven  a  bald  head  to 
an  inferior  wig. 

"  When  gentlemen  wore  armor,  and  disdained  the  use 
of  their  legs,  an  esquire  was  a  necessity ;  and  we  can 
understand  that,  in  the  days  of  the  Beaux,  the  word 
"  gentleman"  meant  a  man  and  his  valet.  I  am  glad  to 
say  that  in  the  present  day  it  only  takes  one  man  to 
make  a  gentleman,  or,  at  most,  a  man  and  a  ninth — 
that  is,  including  the  tailor.     It  is  an  excellent  thing 


DRESS.  131 

for  the  cliarapcter  to  be  neat  and  orderly,  and,  if  a  man 
neglects  to  be  so  in  his  room,  he  is  open  to  the  same 
temptation  sooner  or  later  in  his  person.  A  dressing-case 
is,  therefore,  a  desideratum.  A  closet  to  hang  up  cloth 
clothes,  which  should  never  be  folded,  and  a  small  dress- 
ing-room next  to  the  bed-room,  are  not  so  easily  attain- 
able. But  the  man  who  throws  his  clothes  about  the 
room,  a  boot  in  one  corner,  a  cravat  in  another,  and  his 
brushes  anywhere,  is  not  a  man  of  good  habits.  The 
spirit  of  order  should  extend  to  everything  about  him. 

"  This  brings  me  to  speak  of  certain  necessities  of 
dress ;  the  first  of  which  I  shall  take  is  appropriateness. 
The  age  of  the  individual  is  an  important  consideration 
in  this  respect ;  and  a  man  of  sixty  is  as  absurd  in  the 
style  of  nineteen  as  a  young  man  in  the  high  cravat  of 
Brummell's  day.  I  know  a  gallant  colonel  who  is  mas- 
ter of  the  ceremonies  in  a  gay  watering-place,  and  who, 
afraid  of  the  prim  old-fashioned  toumure  of  his  confreres 
in  similar  localities,  is  to  be  seen,  though  his  hair  is  gray 
and  his  age  not  under  five-and-sixty,  in  a  light  cut-away, 
the  '  peg-top'  continuations,  and  a  turned-down  collar. 
It  may  be  what  younger  blades  will  wear  when  they 
reach  his  age,  but  in  the  present  day  the  effect  is  ridicu- 
lous. We  may,  therefore,  give  as  a  general  rule,  that 
after  the  turning-point  of  life  a  man  should  eschew  the 
changes  of  fashion  in  his  own  attire,  while  he  avoids 
complaining  of  it  in  the  young.  In  the  latter,  on  the 
other  hand,  the  observance  of  these  changes  must  de- 
pend partly  on  his  taste  and  partly  on  his  position.  If 
wise,  he  will  adopt  with  alacrity  any  new  fashions  which 
improve  the  grace,  the  ease,  the  healthfulness,  and  the  con- 


132  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

venience  of  his  garments.  He  will  be  glad  of  greater  free- 
dom in  the  cut  of  his  cloth  clothes,  of  boots  with  elastic  sides 
instead  of  troublesome  buttons  or  laces,  of  the  privilege 
to  turn  down  his  collar,  and  so  forth,  while  he  will  avoid 
as  extravagant,  elaborate  shirt-fronts,  gold  bindings  on 
the  waistcoat,  and  "expensive  buttons.  On  the  other 
hand,  whatever  his  age,  he  will  have  some  respect  to  his 
profession  and  position  in  society.  He  will  remember 
how  much  the  appearance  of  the  man  aids  a  judgment 
of  his  character,  and  this  test,  which  has  often  been  cried 
down,  is  in  reality  no  bad  one ;  for  a  man  who  does  not 
dress  appropriately  evinces  a  want  of  what  is  most  ne- 
cessary to  professional  men — tact  and  discretion. 

*'  Position  in  society  demands  appropriateness.  Well 
knowing  the  worldly  value  of  a  good  coat,  I  would  yet 
never  recommend  a  man  of  limited  means  to  aspire  to 
a  fashionable  appearance.  In  the  first  place,  he  becomes 
thereby  a  walking  falsehood ;  in  the  second,  he  cannot, 
without  running  into  debt,  which  is  another  term  for  dis- 
honesty, maintain  the  style  he  has  adopted.  As  he  can- 
not afford  to  change  his  suits  as  rapidly  as  fashion  alters, 
he  must  avoid  following  it  in  varying  details.  He  will 
rush  into  wide  sleeves  one  month,  in  the  hope  of  being 
fashionable,  and  before  his  coat  is  worn  out,  the  next 
month  will  bring  in  a  narrow  sleeve.  We  cannot,  unfor- 
tunately, like  Samuel  Pepys,  take  a  long  cloak  now-a- 
days  to  the  tailor's,  to  be  cut  into  a  short  one,  'long 
cloaks  being  now  quite  out,'  as  he  tells  us.  Even  when 
there  is  no  poverty  in  the  case,  our  position  must  not 
be  forgotten.  The  tradesman  will  win  neither  customers 
nor  friends  by  adorning  himself  in  the  mode  of  the  club- 


DRESS.  133 

lounger,  and  the  clerk,  or  commercial  traveler,  who 
dresses  fashionably,  lays  himself  open  to  inquiries  as  to 
his  antecedents,  which  he  may  not  care  to  have  investi- 
gated. In  general,  it  may  be  said  that  there  is  vulgarity 
in  dressing  like  those  of  a  class  above  us,  since  it  must 
be  taken  as  a  proof  of  pretension. 

"  As  it  is  bad  taste  to  flaunt  the  airs  of  the  town 
among  the  provincials,  who  know  nothing  of  them,  it  is 
worse  taste  to  display  the  dress  of  a  city  in  the  quiet 
haunts  of  the  rustics.  The  law,  that  all  attempts  at  dis- 
tinction by  means  of  dress  is  vulgar  and  pretentious, 
would  be  sufficient  argument  against  wearing  city  fashions 
in  the  country. 

*'  "While  in  most  cases  a  rougher  and  easier  mode  of 
dress  is  both  admissible  and  desirable  in  the  country, 
there  are  many  occasions  of  country  visiting  where  a 
town  man  finds  it  difficult  to  decide.  It  is  almost  pecu- 
liar to  the  country  to  unite  the  amusements  of  the  day- 
time with  those  of  the  evening ;  of  the  open  air  with 
those  of  the  drawing-room.  Thus,  in  the  summer,  when 
the  days  are  long,  you  will  be  asked  to  a  pic-nic  or  an 
archery  party,  which  will  wind  up  with  dancing  in-doors, 
and  may  even  assume  the  character  of  a  ball.  If  you 
are  aware  of  this  beforehand,  it  will  always  be  safe  to 
send  your  evening  dress  to  your  host's  house,  and  you 
will  learn  from  the  servants  whether  others  have  done 
the  same,  and  whether,  therefore,  you  will  not  be  singu- 
lar in  asking  kave  to  change  your  costume.  But  if  you 
are  ignorant  how  the  day  is  to  end,  you  must  be  guided 
partly  by  the  hour  of  invitation,  and  partly  by  the  ex- 
tent of  your  intimacy  with  the  family.     I-  have  actually 


134  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

known  gentlemen  arrive  at  a  large  pic-nic  at  mid-day  in 
complete  evening  dress,  and  pitied  them  with  all  my 
heart,  compelled  as-  they  were  to  suffer,  in  tight  black 
clothes,  under  a  hot  sun  for  eight  hours,  and  dance  after 
all  in  the  same  dress.  On  the  other  hand,  if  you  are 
asked  to  come  an  hour  or  two  before  e unset,  after  six  in 
summer,  in  the  autumn  after  five,  you  cannot  err  by 
appearing  in  evening  dress.  It  is  always  taken  as  a 
compliment  to  do  so,  and  if  your  acquaintance  with  your 
hostess  is  slight,  it  would  be  almost  a  familiarity  to  do 
otherwise.  In  any  case  you  desire  to  avoid  singularity, 
so  that  if  you  can  discover  what  others  who  are  invited 
intend  to  wear,  you  can  always  decide  on  your  own 
attire.  In  Europe  there  is  a  convenient  rule  for  these 
matters ;  never  appear  after  four  in  the  afternoon  in 
morning  dress ;  but  then  gray  trousers  are  there  allowed 
instead  of  black,  and  white  waistcoats  are  still  worn  in 
the  evening.  At  any  rate,  it  is  possible  to  effect  a  com- 
promise between  the  two  styles  of  costume,  and  if  you 
are  likely  to  be  called  upon  to  dance  in  the  evening,  it 
will  be  well  to  wear  thin  boots,  a  black  frock-coat,  and 
a  small  black  neck-tie,  and  to  put  a  pair  of  clean  white 
gloves  in  your  pocket.  You  will  thus  be  at  least  less 
conspicuous  in  the  dancing-room  than  in  a  light  tweed 
suit. 

*'  Not  so  the  distinction  to  be  made  according  to  size. 
As  a  rule,  tall  men  require  long  clothes — some  few  per- 
haps even  in  the  nurse's  sense  of  those  words — and  short 
men  short  clothes.  On  the  other  hand,  Falstaff  should 
beware  of  Jenny  Wren  coats  and  affect  ample  wrappers, 
while  Peter  Schlemihl,  and  the  whole  race  of  thin  men, 


DRESS.  135 

must  eschew  looseness  as  much  in  their  garments  as  their 
morals. 

"  Lastly  we  come  to  what  is  appropriate  to  different 
occasions,  and  as  this  is  an  important  subject,  I  shall 
treat  of  it  separately.  For  the  present  it  is  sufficient  to 
point  out  that,  while  every  man  should  avoid  not  only 
extravagance,  but  even  brilliance  of  dress  on  ordinary 
occasions,  there  are  some  on  w^hich  he  may  and  ought  to 
pay  more  attention  to  his  toilet,  and  attempt  to  look  gay. 
Of  course,  the  evenings  are  not  here  meant.  For  even- 
ing dr^s  there  is  a  fixed  rule,  from  which  we  can  depart 
only  to  be  foppish  or  vulgar ;  but  in  morning  dress  there 
is  greater  liberty,  and  when  we  undertake  to  mingle  with 
those  who  are  assembled  avowedly  for  gayety,  we  should 
not  make  ourselves  remarkable  by  the  dinginess  of  our 
dress.  Such  occasions  are  open  air  entertainments, 
fetes^  flower-shows,  archery-meetings,  matineeSy  and  id 
genus  omne,  where  much  of  the  pleasure  to  be  derived  de- 
pends on 'the  general  effect  on  the  enjoyers,  and  where, 
if  we  cannot  pump  up  a  look  of  mirth,  we  should,  at 
least,  if  we  go  at  all,  wear  the  semblance  of  it  in  our 
dress.  I  have  a  worthy  little  friend,  who,  I  believe,  is 
as  well  disposed  to  his  kind  as  Lord  Shaftesbury  himself, 
but  who,  for  some  reason,  perhaps  a  twinge  of  philosophy 
about  him,  frequents  the  gay  meetings  to  which  he  is 
afked  in  an  old  coat  and  a  wide-awake.  Some  people 
take  him  for  a  wit,  but  he  soon  shows  that  he  does  not 
aspire  to  that  character ;  others  for  a  philosopher,  but  he 
is  too  good-mannered  for  that ;  others,  poor  man !  pro- 
nounce him  a  cynic,  and  all  are  agreed  that  whatever 
he  may  be,  he  looks  out  of  place,  and  spoils  the  general 


136  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

effect.  I  believe,  in  my  heart,  that  he  is  the  mildest  of 
men,  but  will  not  take  the  trouble  to  dress  more  than 
once  a  day.  At  any  rate,  he  has  a  character  for  eccen- 
tricity, which,  I  am  sure,  is  precisely  what  he  would  wish 
to  avoid.  That  character  is  a  most  delightful  one  for  a 
bachelor,  and  it  is  generally  Coelebs  who  holds  it,  for  it 
has  been  proved  by  statistics  that  there  are  four  single 
to  one  married  man  among  the  inhabitants  of  our  mad- 
houses ;  but  eccentricity  yields  a  reputation  which  re- 
quires something  to  uphold  it,  and  even  in  Diogenes  of 
the  Tub  it  was  extremely  bad  taste  to  force  hims§lf  into 
Plato's  evening  party  without  sandals,  and  nothing"  but 
a  dirty  tunic  on  him. 

"  Another  requisite  in  dress  is  its  simplicity,  with 
which  I  may  couple  harmony  of  color.  This  simplicity 
is  the  only  distinction  which  a  man  of  taste  should  as- 
pire to  in  the  matter  of  dress,  but  a  simplicity  in  ap- 
pearance must  proceed  from  a  nicety  in  reality.  One 
should  not  be  simply  ill-dressed,  but  simply  well-dressed. 
Lord  Castlereah  would  never  have  been  pronounced  the 
most  distinguished  man  in  the  gay  court  of  Vienna,  be- 
cause he  wore  no  orders  or  ribbons  among  hundreds 
decorated  with  a  profusion  of  those  vanities,  but  because 
besides  this  he  was  dressed  with  taste.  The  charm  of 
Brummell's  dress  was  its  simplicity ;  yet  it  cost  him  as 
much  thought,  time,  and  care  as  the  portfolio  of  a  mift- 
ister.  The  rules  of  simplicity,  therefore,  are  the  rules 
of  taste.  All  extravagance,  all  splendor,  and  all  pro- 
fusion must  be  avoided.  The  colors,  in  the  first  place, 
must  harmonize  both  with  our  complexion  and  with  one 
another;  perhaps  most  of  all  with  the  color  of -our  haii- 


DRESS.  137 

All  bright  colors  should  be  avoided,  such  as  red,  yellow, 
sky-blue,  and  bright  green.  Perhaps  only  a  successful 
Australian  gold  digger  would  think  of  choosing  such 
colors  for  his  coat,  waistcoat,  or  trousers;  but  there  are 
hundreds  of  young  men  who  might  select  them  for  their 
gloves  and  neck-ties.  The  deeper  colors  are,  some  how 
or  other,  more  manly,  and  are  certainly  less  striking. 
The  same  simplicity  should  be  studied  in  the  avoidance 
of  ornamentation.  A  few  years  ago  it  was  the  fashion 
to  trim  the  evening  waistcoat  with  a  border  of  gold  lace. 
This  is  an  example  of  fashions  always  to  be  rebelled 
against.  Then,  too,  extravagance  in  the  form  of  our 
dress  is  a  sin  against  taste.  I  remember  that  long  rib- 
bons took  tlie  place  of  neck-ties  some  years  ago.  At  a 
commemoration,  two  friends  of  mine  determined  to  cut  a 
figure  in  this  matter,  having  little  else  to  distinguish 
them.  The  one  wore  two  yards  of  bright  pink ;  the 
other  the  same  quantity  of  bright  blue  ribbon,  round 
their  necks.  I  have  reason  to  believe  they  think  now 
that  they  both  looked  superbly  ridiculous.  In  the  same 
way,  if  the  trousers  are  worn  wide,  we  should  not  wear 
them  as  loose  as  a  Turk's;  or,  if  the  sleeves  are  to  be 
open,  we  should  not  rival  the  ladies  in  this  matter.  And 
so  on  through  a  hundred  details,  generally  remembering 
that  to  exaggerate  a  fashion  is  to  assume  a  character, 
and  therefore  vulgar.'  The  wearing  of  jewelry  comes 
nder  this  head.  Jewels  are  an  ornament  to  women, 
but  a  blemish  to  men.  They  bespeak  either  effeminacy 
or  a  love  of  display.  The  hand  of  a  man  is  honored  in 
working,  for  labor  is  his  mission;  and  the  hand  that 
wears  its  riches  on  its  fingers,  has  rarely  worked  honestly 


1B8  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

to  win  them.  The  best  je-^el  a  man  can  wear  is  his 
honor.  Let  that  be  bright  and  shining,  well  set  in  pru- 
dence, and  all  others  must  darken  before  it.  But  as  we 
are  savages,  and  must  have  some  silly  trickery  to  hang 
about  us,  a  little,  but  very  little  concession  may  be  made 
to  our  taste  in  this  respect.  I  am  quite  serious  when  I 
disadvise  you  from  the  use  of  nose-rings,  gold  anklets,  and 
hat-bands  studded  with  jewels;  for  when  I  see  an  incred- 
ulous young  man  of  the  nineteenth  century,  dangling 
from  his  watch-chain  a  dozen  silly  '  charms'  (often  the 
only  ones  he  possesses),  which  have  no  other  use  than  to 
give  a  fair  coquette  a  legitimate  subject  on  which  to  ap- 
proach to  closer  intimacy,  and  which  are  revived  from 
the  lowest  superstitions  of  dark  ages,  and  sometimes 
darker  races,  I  am  quite  justified  in  believing  that  some 
South  African  chieftain,  sufiiciently  rich  to  cut  a  dash, 
might  introduce  with  success  the  most  peculiar  fashions 
of  his  own  country.  However  this  may  be,  there  are  al- 
ready sufiicient  extravagances  prevalent  among  our 
young  men  to  attack. 

"  The  man  of  good  taste  will  wear  as  little  jewelry  as 
possible.  One  handsome  signet-ring  on  the  little  finger 
of  the  left  hand,  a  scarf-pin  which  is  neither  large,  nor 
showy,  nor  too  intricate  in  its  design,  and  a  light,  rather 
thin  watch-guard  with  a  cross-bar,  are  all  that  he  ought 
to  wear.  But,  if  he  aspires  to  more  than  this,  he  should 
observe  the  following  rules  : — 

"  1.  Let  everything  be  real  and  good.  False  jewelry  is 
not  only  a  practical  lie,  but  an  absolute  vulgarity,  since 
its  use  arises  from  an  attempt  to  appear  richer  or  grander 
than  its  wearer  is. 


DRESS.  139 

'*2.  Let  it  be  simple.  Elaborate  studs,  waistcoat-but- 
tons, and  wrist-links,  are  all  abominable.  The  last,  par- 
ticlarly,  should  be  as  plain  as  possible,  consisting  of  plain 
gold  ovals,  with,  at  most,  the  crest  engraved  upon  them. 
Diamonds  and  brilliants  are  quite  unsuitable  to  men, 
w^hose  jewelry  should  never  be  conspicuous.  If  you 
happen  to  possess  a  single  diamond  of  great  value  you 
may  wear  it  on  great  occasions  as  a  ring,  but  no  more 
than  one  ring  should  ever  be  worn  by  a  gentleman. 

"  3.  Let  it  be  distinguished  rather  by  its  curiosity  than 
its  brilliance.  An  antique  or  bit  of  old  jewelry  pos- 
sesses more  interest,  particularly  if  you  are  able  to  tell 
its  history,  than  the  most  splendid  production  of  the 
goldsmith's  shop. 

'^4.  Let  it  harmonize  with  the  colors  of  your  dress. 

*'  5.  Let  it  have  some  use.  Men  should  never,  like 
women,  wear  jewels  for  mere  ornament,  whatever  may 
be  the  fashion  of  Hungarian  noblemen,  and  deposed  In- 
dian rajahs  with  jackets  covered  with  rubies. 

*'The  precious  stones  are  reserved  for  ladies,  and 
even  our  scarf-pins  are  more  suitable  without  them. 

"The  dress  that  is  both  appropriate  and  simple  can 
never  offend,  nor  render  its  wearer  conspicuous,  though 
it  may  distinguish  him  for  his  good  taste.  But  it  will 
not  be  pleasing  unless  clean  and  fresh.  We  cannot 
quarrel  with  a  poor  gentleman's  thread-bare  coat,  if  his 
linen  be  pure,  and  we  see  that  he  has  never  attempted 
to  dress  beyond  his  means  or  unsuitably  to  his  station. 
But  the  sight  of  decayed  gentility  and  dilapidated  fashion 
may  call  forth  our  pity,  and,  at  the  same  time  prompt  a 
moral:   'You   have  evidently  sunken;'   we    say  to  our- 


140  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

selves;  *But  whose  fault  was  it?  Am  I  not  led  to  sup- 
pose that  the  extravagance  which  you  evidently  once 
revelled  in  has  brought  you  to  what  I  now  see  you?' 
While  freshness  is  essential  to  being  well-dressed,  it  will 
be  a  consolation  to  those  who  cannot  afford  a  heavv 
tailor's  bill,  to  reflect  that  a  visible  newness  in  one's 
clothes  is  as  bad  as  patches  and  darns,  and  to  remember 
that  there  have  been  celebrated  dressers  who  would  never 
put  on  a  new  coat  till  it  had  been  worn  two  or  three 
times  by  their  valets.  On  the  other  hand,  there  is  no 
excuse  for  untidiness,  holes  in  the  boots,  a  broken  hat, 
torn  gloves,  and  so  on.  Indeed,  it  is  better  to  wear  no 
gloves  at  all  than  a  pair  full  of  holes.  There  is  nothing 
to  be  ashamed  of  in  bare  hands,  if  they  are  clean,  and 
the  poor  can  still  afford  to  have  their  shirts  and  shoes 
mended,  and  their  hats  ironed.  It  is  certainly  better  to 
show  signs  of  neatness  than  the  reverse,  and  you  need 
sooner  be  ashamed  of  a  hole  than  a  darn. 

"  Of  personal  cleanliness  I  have  spoken  at  sugh  length 
that  little  need  be  said  on  that  of  the  clothes.  If  you 
are  economical  with  your  tailor,  you  can  be  extravagant 
with  your  laundress.  The  beaux  of  forty  years  back 
put  on  three  shirts  a  day,  but  except  in  hot  weather  one 
is  sufficient.  Of  course,  if  you  change  your  dress  in  the 
evening  you  must  change  your  shirt  too.  There  has 
been  a  great  outcry  against  colored  flannel  shirts  in  the 
place  of  linen,  and  the  man  who  can  wear  one  for  three 
days  is  looked  on  as  little  better  than  St.  Simeon  Sty- 
litesr  I  should  like  to  know  how  often  the  advocates  of 
linen  change  their  own  under-flannel,  and  whether  the 
same  rule  does  not  apply  to  what  is  seen  as  to  what  is 


DRESS.  141  ^ 

concealed.  But  while  the  flannel  is  perhaps  healthier 
as  absorbing  the  moisture  more  rapidly,  the  linen  has 
the  advantage  of  looking  cleaner,  and  may  therefore  be 
preferred.  As  to  economy,  if  the  flannel  costs  less  to 
wash,  it  also  wears  out  sooner ;  but,  be  this  as  it  may,  a 
man's  wardrobe  is  not  complete  without  half  a  dozen  or 
so  of  these  shirts,  which  he  will  find  most  useful,  and  ten 
times  more  comfortable  than  linen  in  long  excursions,  or 
when  exertion  will  be  required.  Flannel,  too,  has  the 
advantage  of  being  warm  in  winter  and  cool  in  summer, 
for,  being  a  non-conductor,  but  a  retainer  of  heat,  it  pro- 
tects the  body  from  the  sun,  and,  on  the  other  hand, 
shields  it  from  the  cold.  But  the  best  shirt  of  all,  par- 
ticularly in  winter,  is  that  which  wily  monks  and  her- 
mits pretended  to  wear  for  a  penance,  well  knowing  that 
they  could  have  no  garment  cooler,  more  comfortable, 
or  more  healthy.  I  mean,  of  course,  the  rough  hair- 
shirt.  Like  flannel,  it  is  a  non-conductor  of  heat ;  out 
then,  1^00,  it  acts  the  part  of  a  shampooer,  and  with  its 
perpetual  friction  soothes  the  surface  of  the  skin,  and 
prevents  the  circulation  from  being  arrested  at  any  one 
point  of  the  body.  Though  I  doubt  if  any  of  my  read- 
ers will 'take  a  hint  from  the  wisdom  of  the  merry  an- 
chorites, they  will  perhaps  allow  me  to  suggest  that  the 
next  best  thing  to  wear  next  the  skin  is  flannel,  and  that 
too  of  the  coarsest  description. 

"  Quantity  is  better  than  quality  in  linen.  Neverthe-. 
less  it  should  be  fine  and  well  spun.  The  loose  cuff, . 
which  we  borrowed  from  the  French  some  four  years' 
ago,  is  a  great  improvement  on  the  old  tight  wrist-band,' 
and,  indeed,  it  must  be  borne  in   mind  that  anything 


142  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

which  binds  any  part  of  the  body  tightly  impedes  the 
circulation,  and  is  therefore  unhealthy  as  well  as  un- 
graceful. 

*'  The  necessity  for  a  large  stock  of  linen  depends  on 
a  rule  far  bettter  than  Brunimell's,  of  three  shirts  a  day, 
viz : — 

"  Change  your  linen  whenever  it  is  at  all  dirty. 

"  This  is  the  best  guide  with  regard  to  collars,  socks, 
pocket-handkerchiefs,  and  our  under  garments.  Ko 
rule  can  be  laid  down  for  the  number  we  shouVi  wear 
per  week,  for  everything  depends  on  circumstances. 
Thus  in  the  cbuntry  all  our  linen  remains  longer  clean 
than  in  town ;  in  dirty,  wet,  or  dusty  weather,  our  socks 
get  soon  dirty  and  must  be  changed ;  or,  if  we  have  a 
cold,  to  say  nothing  of  the  possible  but  not  probable 
case  of  tear-shedding  on  the  departure  of  friends,  we 
shall  want  more  than  one  pocket-handkerchief  per 
diem.  In  fact,  the  last  article  of  modern  civilization  is 
put  to  so  many  uses,  is  so  much  displayed,  and  liable  to 
be  called  into  action  on  so  many  various  engagements, 
that  we  should  always  have  a  clean  one  in  our  pockets. 
Who  knows  when  it  may  not  serve  us  is  in  good  stead  ? 
Who  can  tell  how  often  the  corner  of  the  delicate  cam- 
bric will  have  to  represent  a  tear  which,  like  difficult 
passages  in  novels  is  Meft  to  the  imagination.'  Can  a 
man  of  any  feeling  call  on  a  disconsolate  widow,  for  in- 
stance, and  listen  to  her  woes,  without  at  least  pujling 
out  that  expressive  appendage?  Can  anyone  believe 
in  our  sympathy  if  the  article  in  question  is  a  dirty  one? 
There  are  some  people  who,  like  the  clouds,  only  exist 
to  weep ;  and  King  Salomon,  though  not  one  of  them, 


DRESS.  143 

has  given  tliom  great  encouragement  in  speaking  of  the 
house  of  mourning.  We  are  bound  to  weep  with  them, 
and  we  are  bound  to  weep  elegantly. 

"  A  man  whose  dress  is  neat,  clean,  simple,  and  ap- 
propriate, will  pass  muster  anywhere. 

*'  A  well-dressed  man  does  not  require  so  much  an 
extensive  as  a  varied  wardrobe.  He  wants  a  different 
costume  for  every  season  and  every  occasion ;  but  if 
what  he  selects  is  simple  rather  than  striking,  he  may 
appear  in  the  same  clothes  as  often  as  he  likes,  as  long 
as  they  are  fresh  and  appropriate  to  the  season  and  the 
object.  There  are  four  kinds  of  coats  whicli  he  must 
have  :  a  morning-coat,  a  frock-coat,  a  dress-coat,  and  an 
over-coat.  An  economical  man  may  do  well  with  four 
of  the  first,  and  one  of  each  of  the  others  per  annum. 
The  dress  of  a  gentleman  in  the  present  day  should  not 
cost  him  more  than  the  tenth  part  of  his  income  on  an 
average.  But  as  fortunes  vary  more  than  position,  if 
his  income  is  large  it  will  take  a  much  smaller  propor- 
tion, if  small  a  larger  one.  If  a  man,  however,  mixes  in 
society,  and  I  write  for  those  who  do  so,  there  are  some 
things  which  are  indispensable  to  even  the  proper  dress- 
ing, and  every  occasion  will  have  its  proper  attire. 

"  In  his  own  house  then,  and  in  the  morning,  there  is 
no  reason  why  he  should  not  wear  out  his  old  clothes. 
Some  men  take  to  the  delightful  ease  of  a  dressing-gown 
and  slippers ;  and  if  bachelors,  they  do  well.  If  family 
men,  it  will  probably  depend  on  whether  the  lady  or  the 
gentleman  wears  the  pantaloons.  The  best  walking- 
dress  for  a  non-professional  man  is.  a  suit  of  tweed  of  the 
same  color,  ordinary  boots,  gloves  not  too  dark  for  the 


144  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

coat,  a  scarf  with  a  pin  in  winter,  or  a  small  tie  of  one 
color  in  summer,  a  respectable  black  hat  and  a  cane.    The 
last  item  is^  perhaps  the  most  important,  and  though  its 
use  varies  with  fashion,  I  confess  I  am  sorry  when  I  see 
it  go  out.     The  best  substitute  for  a  walking-stick  is  an 
umbrella,  not  a  parasol  unless  it  be  given  you  by  a  lady 
to  carry.     The  main  point  of  the  walking-dress  is  the 
harmony  of  colors,  but  this  should  not  be  carried  to  the 
extent  of  M.  de  Maltzan,  who  some  years  ago  made  a 
bet  to   wear  nothing  but   pink  at   Baden-Baden  for  a 
whole  year,  and  had  boots  and  gloves  of  the  same  lively 
hue.     He  won  his  wager,  but  also  the  soubriquet  of  *  Le 
Diable  enflammd.'     The  walking-dress  should  vary  ac- 
cording to   the  place  and  hour.     In  the  country  or  at 
the   sea-side  a  straw  hat  or  wide-awake  may  take  the 
place  of  the  beaver,  and  the  nuisance  of  gloves  be  even 
dispensed  with  in  the  former.     But  in  the  city  where  a 
man  is  supposed  to  make  visits  as  well  as  lounge  in  the 
street,  the  frock  coat  of  very  dark  blue  or  black,  or  a 
black  cloth  cut-away,  the  white  waistcoat,  and  lavender 
gloves,  are  almost  indispensable.    Very  thin  boots  should 
be  avoided  at  all  times,  and  whatever  clothes  one  wears 
they  should  be  well  brushed.     The  shirt,  whether  seen 
or  not,  should  be  quite  plain.     The  shirt  collar  should 
never  have  a  color  on  it,  but  it  may  be  stiff  or  turned 
down  according  as  the  wearer  is  Byronically  or  Brum- 
mellically  disposed.     The  scarf,  if  simple  and  of  modest 
colors,  is  perhaps  the  best  thing  we  can  wear  round  the 
neck ;  but  if  a  neck-tie  is  preferred  it  should  not  be  too 
long,  nor  tied  in  too  stiff  and  studied  a  manner.     The 
cane  should  be  extremely  simple,  a  mere  stick  in  fact, 


DRESS.  145 

with  no  gold  head,  and  yet  for  the  town  not  rough,  thick, 
or  clumsj.  The  frock-coat  should  be  ample  and  loose, 
and  a  tall  well-built  man  may  throw  it  back.  At  any 
rate,  it  should  never  be  buttoned  up.  Great-coats  should 
be  buttoned  up,  of  a  dark  color,  not  quite  black,  longer 
than  the  frock-coat,  but  never  long  enough  to  reach  the 
ankles.  If  you  have  visits  to  make  you  should  do  away 
with  the  great-coat,  if  the  weather  allows  you  to  do  so. 
The  frock-coat,  or  black  cut-away,  with  a  white  waist- 
coat in  summer,  is  the  best  dress  for  making  calls  in. 

"  It  is  simple  nonsense  to  talk  of  modern  civilization, 
and  rejoice  that  the  cruelties  of  the  dark  ages  can  never 
be  perpetrated  in  these  days  and  this  country.  I  main- 
tain that  they  are  perpetrated  freely,  generally,  daily, 
with  the  consent  of  the  wretched  victim  himself,  in  the 
compulsion  to  w^ear  evening  clothes.  Is  there  anything 
at  once  more  comfortless  or  more  hideous  ?  Let  us  begin 
with  what  the  delicate  call  limb-covers,  which  we  are 
told  were  the  invention  of  the  Gauls,  but  I  am  inclined 
to  think,  of  a  much  worse  race,  for  it  is  clearly  an  ana- 
chronism to  ascribe  the  discovery  to  a  Venetian  called 
Piantaleone,  and  it  can  only  have  been  Inquisitors  or 
demons  who  inflicted  this  scourge  on  the  race  of  man, 
and  his  ninth-parts,  the  tailors,  for  I  take  it  that  both 
are  equally  bothered  by  the  tight  pantaloon.  Let  us 
pause  awhile  over  this  unsightly  garment,  and  console 
ourselves  with  the  reflection  that  as  every  country,  and 
almost  every  year,  has  a  different  fashion  in  its  make  of 
it,  we  may  at  last  be  emancipated  from  it  altogether,  or 
at  least  be  able  to  wear  it  a  la  Turque. 

''^  But  it  is  not  all  trousers  that  I  rebel  against.     If 
10 


146  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

I  might  wear  linen  appendices  in  summer,  and  fur  con- 
tinuations in  winter,  I  would  not  groan,  but  it  is  the 
evening-dress  that  inflicts  on  the  man  who  likes  society 
the  necessity  of  wearing  the  same  trying  cloth  all  the 
year  round,  so  that  under  Boreas  he  catches  colds,  and 
under  the  dog-star  he  melts.  This  unmentionable,  but 
most  necessary  disguise  of  the  'human  form  divine,'  is 
one  that  never  varies  in  this  country,  and  therefore  I 
must  lay  down  the  rule  : — 

"For  all  evening  .wear — black  cloth  trousers. 
\  "But  the  tortures  of  evening  dress  do  not  end  with 
our  lower  limbs.  Of  all  the  iniquities  perpetrated  under 
the  Reign  of  Terror,  none  has  lasted  so  long  as  that  of 
the  strait-jacket,  which  was  palmed  off  on  the  people  as 
a  'habit  de  compagnie.' jif  it  were  necessary  to  sing  a 
hymn  of  praise  to  Robespierre,  Marat,  and  Co.,  I  would 
rather  take  the  guillotine  as  my  subject  to  extol  than  the 
swallow  tail.  And  yet;  we  endure  the  stiffness,  unsight- 
liness,  uncomfortableness,  and  want  of  grace  of  the  lat- 
ter, with  more  resignation  than  that  with  which  Char- 
lotte Corday  put  her  beautiful  neck  into  the  '  trou  d'en- 
fer'  of  the  former.  ;  Fortunately  modern  republicanism 
has  triumphed  over  ancient  etiquette,  and  the  tail-coat 
of  to-day  is  looser  and  more  easy  than  it  was  twenty 
years  ago.  I  can  only  say,  let  us  never  strive  to  make 
it  bearable,  till  we  have  abolished  it.  j  Let  us  abjure 
such  vulgarities  as  silk  collars,  white  silk  linings,  and  so 
forth,  which  attempt  to  beautify  this  monstrosity,  as  a 
hangman  might  wreathe  his  gallows  with  roses.  The 
plainer  the  manner  in  which  you  wear  your  misery,  the 
better. 


DRESS.  147 

"Then,  again,  the  black  waistcoat,  stiff,  tight,  and 
comfortless'^  j  Fancy  Falstaff  in  a  ball-dress  such  as  we 
now  wear.  No  amount  of  embroidery,  gold-trimmings, 
or  jewel-buttons  will  render  such  an  infliction  grateful 
to  the  mass.  The  best  plan  is  to  wear  thorough  mourn- 
ing for  your  wretchedness.  In  France  and  America, 
the  cooler  white  waistcoat  is  admitted.  However,  as  we 
have  it,  let  us  make  the  best  of  it,  and  not  parade  our 
misery  by  hideous  ornamentation.  The  only  evening 
waistcoat  for  all  purposes  for  a  man  of  taste  is  one  of 
simple  black,  with  the  simplest  possible  buttons. 

"  These  three  items  never  vary  for  dinner-party,  muf- 
fin-worry, or  ball.  The  only  distinction  allowed  is  in  the 
neck-tie.  For  dinner,  the  opera,  and  balls,  this  must  be 
white,  and  the  smaller  the  better.  It  should  be  too,  of 
a  washable  texture,  not  silk,  nor  netted,  nor  hanging 
down,  nor  of  any  foppish  production,  but  a  simple,  white 
tie,  without  embroidery.  The  black  tie  is  admitted  for 
evening  parties,  and  should  be  equally  simple.  The 
shirt-front,  which  figures  under  the  tie  should  be  plain, 
with  unpretending  small  plaits.  The  glove  must  be 
white,  not  yellow.  Recently,  indeed,  a  fashion  has 
sprung  up  of  wearing  lavender  gloves  in  the  evening. 
They  are  economical,  and  as  all  economy  is  an  abomina- 
tion, must  be  avoided.  Gloves  should  always  be  worn 
at  a  ball.  At  a  dinner-party  in  town  they  should  be 
worn  on  entering  the  room,  and  drawn  off*  for  dinner. 
While,  on  the  one  hand,  we  must  avoid  the  awkwardness 
of  a  gallant  sea-captain  who,  wearing  no  gloves  at  a 
dance,  excused  himself  to  his  partner  by  saying,  'Never 
mind,  miss,  I  can  wash  my  hands  when  I've  done  danc- 


148  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

ing,'  we  have  no  need,  in  the  present  day,  to  copy  the 
Roman  gentleman  mentioned  by  Athenseus,  who  wore 
gloves  at  dinner  that  he  might  pick  his  meat  from  the 
hot  dishes  more  rapidly  than  the  bare-handed  guests. 
As  to  gloves  at  tea-parties  and  so  forth,  we  are  generally 
safer  with  than  without  them.  If  it  is  quite  a  small 
party,  we  may  leave  them  in  our  pocket,  and  in  the 
country  they  are  scarcely  expected  to  be  worn ;  but 
'touch  not  a  cat  but  with  a  glove;'  you  are  always  safer 
with  them.  • 

"I  must  not  quit  this  subject  without  assuring  myself 
that  my  reader  know^  more  about  it  now  than  he  did  be- 
fore. In  fact  I  have  taken  one  thing  for  granted,  viz., 
that  he  knows  what  it  is  to  be  dressed,  and  what  un- 
dressed. Of  course  I  do  not  suppose  him  to  be  in  the 
blissful  state  of  ignorance  on  the  subject  once  enjoyed 
by  our  first  parents.  I  use  the  words  '  dressed'  and  'un- 
dressed' rather  in  the  sense  meant  by  a  military  tailor, 
or  a  cook  with  reference  to  a  salad.  You  need  not  be 
shocked.  I  am  one  of  those  people  who  wear  spectacles 
for  fear  of  seeing  anything  with  the  naked  eye.  I  am 
the  soul  of  scrupulosity.  But  I  am  wondering  whether 
everybody  arranges  his  wardrobe  as  our  ungrammatical 
nurses  used  to  do  ours,  under  the  heads  of  '  best,  second- 
best,  third-best,'  and  so  on,  and  knows  what  things  ought 
to  be  placed  under  each.  To  be  'undressed'  is  to  b^ 
dressed  for  work  and  ordinary  occupations,  to  wo:u 
coat  which  you  do  not  fear  to  spoil,  and  a  neck-tie  which 
your  ink-stand  will  not  object  to,  but  your  acquaintance 
might.  To  be  '  dressed,'  on  the  other  hand,  since  by 
di'oss  we  show  oui-  respect  for  society  at  large,  or  the 


DRESS.  149 

persons  with  whom  we  are  to  mingle,  is  to  he  clothed  in 
the  garments  which  the  said  society  pronounces  as  suit- 
able to  particular  occasions;  so  that  evening  dress  in  the 
morning,  morning  dress  in  the  evening,  and  top  boots 
and  a  red  coat  for  walking,  may  all  be  called  *  undress,' 
if  not  positively  'bad  dress.*  But  there  are  shades  of 
being  'dressed;'  and  a  man  is  called  'little  dressed,' 
'well  dressed,'  and  'much  dressed,'  not  according  to  the 
quantity  but  the  quality  of  his  coverings. 

"To  be  'little  dressed,'  is  to  wear  old  things,  of  a 
make  that  is  no  longer  the  fashion,  having  no  pretension 
to  elegance,  artistic  beauty,  or  ornament.  It  is  also  to 
wear  lounging  clothes  on  occasions  which  demand  some 
amount  of  precision.  To  be  'much  dressed'  is  to  be  in 
the  extreme  of  the  fashion,  with  bran  new  clothes, 
jewelry,  and  ornaments,  with  a  touch  of  extravagance 
and  gaiety  in  your  colors.  Thus  to  wear  patent  leather 
boots  and  yellow  gloves  in  a  quiet  morning  stroll  is  to 
be  much  dressed,  and  certainly  does  not  differ  immensely 
from  being  badly  dressed.  To  be  'well  dressed'  is  the 
happy  medium  between  these  two,  which  is  not  given  to 
every  one  to  hold,  inasmuch  as  good  taste  is  rare,  and  is 
a  81716  qiid  non  thereof.  Thus  while  you  avoid  ornament 
and  all  fastness,  you  must  cultivate  fashion,  that  is  good 
fashion,  in  the  make  of  your  clothes.  A  man  must  not 
be  made  by  his  tailor,  but  should  make  him,  educate  him, 
give  him  his  own  good  taste.  To  be  well  dressed  is  to 
be  dressed  precisely  as  the  occasion,  place,  weather,  your 
height,  figure,  position,  age,  and,  remember  it,  your 
means  require.  It  is  to  be  clothed  without  peculiarity, 
pretension,  or  eccentricity ;  without  violent  colors,  elab- 


150  GENTLEMEN'S    BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

orate  ornament,  or  senseless  fashions,  introduced,  often, 
by  tailors  for  their  own  profit.  Good  dressing  is  to  wear 
as  littk  jewelry  as  possible,  to  be  scrupulously  neat, 
clean,  and  fresh,  and  to  carry  your  clothes  as  if  you  did 
not  give  them  a  thought. 

"Then,  too,  there  is  a  scale  of  honor  among  clothes, 
which  must  not  be  forgotten.  Thus,  a  new  coat  is  more 
honorable  than  an  old  one,  a  cut-away  or  shooting-coat 
than  a  dressing-gown,  a  frock-coat  than  a  cut-away,  a 
dark  blue  frock-coat  than  a  black  frock-coat,  a  tail-coat 
than  a  frock-coat.  There  is  no  honor  at  all  in  a  blue 
tail-coat,  however,  except  on  a  gentleman  of  eighty,  ac- 
companied with  brass  buttons  and  a  buff  waistcoat. 
There  is  more  honor  in  an  old  hunting-coat  than  in  a 
new  one,  in  a  uniform  with  a  bullet  hole  in  it  than  one 
without,  in  a  fustian  jacket  and  smock-frock  than  in  a 
frock-coat,  because  they  are  types  of  labor,  which  is  far 
more  honorable  than  lounging.  Again,  light  clothes  are 
generally  placed  above  dark  ones,  because  they  cannot 
be  so  long  worn,  and  are,  therefore,  proofs  of  ex- 
penditure, alias  money,  which  in  this  world  is  a  com- 
modity more  honored  than  every  other;  but,  on  the  other 
hand,  tasteful  dress  is  always  more  honorable  than  that 
which  has  only  cost  much.  Light  gloves  are  more  es- 
teemed than  dark  ones,  and  the  prince  of  glove-colors  is, 
undeniably,  lavender. 

"'I  should  say  Jones  was  a  fast  man,*  said  a  friend  to 
me  one  day,  'for  he  wears  a  white  hat.'  If  this  idea  of 
my  companion's  be  right,  fastness  may  be  said  to  consist 
mainly  in  peculiarity.  There  is  certainly  only  one  step 
from  the  sublimity  of  fastness  to  the  ridiculousness  of 


DRESS.  151 

snobberry,  and  it  is  not  always  easy  to  say  where  the 
one  ends  and  the  other  begins.  A  dandy,  on  the  other 
hand,  is  the  clothes  on  a  man,  not  a  man  in  clothes,  a 
living  lay  figure  who  displays  .much  dress,  and  is  quite 
satisfied  if  you  praise  it  without  taking  heed  of  him.  A 
bear  is  in  the  opposite  extreme;  never  dressed  enough, 
and  always  very  roughly ;  but  he  is  almost  as  bad  as  the 
other,  for  he  sacrifices  everything  to  his  ease  and  com- 
fort. The  ofi-hand  style  of  dress  only  suits  an  off-hand 
character.  It  was,  at  one  time,  the  fashion  to  affect  a 
certain  negligence,  which  was  called  poetic,  and  supposed 
to  be  the  result  of  genius.  An  ill-tied,  if  not  positively 
untied  cravat  was  a  sure  sign  of  an  unbridled  imagina- 
tion; and  a  waistcoat  was  held  together  by  one  button 
only,  as  if  the  swelling  soul  in  the  wearer's  bosom  had 
burst  all  the  rest.  If,  in  addition  to  this,  the  hair  was 
unbrushed  and  curly,  you  were  certain  of  passing  for  a 
*man  of  soul.'  I  should  not  recommend  any  young  gen- 
tleman to  adopt  this  style,  unless,  indeed,  he  can  mouth 
a  great  deal,  and  has  a  good  stock  of  quotations  from 
the  poets.  It  is  of  no.  use  to  show  me  the  clouds,  unless 
I  can  positively  see  you  in  them,  and  no  amount  of  ne- 
gligence in  your  dress  and  person  will  convince  me  you 
are  a  genius,  unless  you  produce  an  octavo  volume  of 
poems  published  by  yourself.  I  confess  I  am  glad  that 
the  neglige  style,  so  common  in  novels  of  ten  years  back, 
has  been  succeeded  by  neatness.  What  we  want  is  real 
ease  in  the  clothes,  and,  for  my  part,  I  should  rejoice  to 
see  the  Knickerbocker  style  generally  adopted. 

"  Besides  the   ordinary  occasions   treated  of  before, 
there  are  several  special   occasions  requiring  a  change 


152  GENTLEMEN  S    BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

of  dress.  Most  of  our  sports,  together  with  marriagd 
(which  some  people  include  in  sports),  come  under  this 
head.  Now,  the  less  change  we  make  the  better  in  the 
present"  day,  particularly  in  the  sports,  where,  if  we  are 
dressed  with  scrupulous  accuracy,  we  are  liable  to  be 
subjected  to  a  comparison  between  our  clothes  and  our 
skill.  A  man  who  wears  a  red  coat  to  hunt  in,  should 
be  able  to  hunt,  and  not  sneak  through  gates  or  dodge 
over  gaps.  A  few  remarks  on  dresses  worn  in  different 
sports  may  be  useful.  Having  laid  down  the  rule  that  a 
strict  accuracy  of  sporting  costume  is  no  longer  in  good 
taste,  we  can  dismiss  shooting  and  fishing  at  once,  with 
the  warning  that  we  must  not  dress  well  for  either.  An 
old  coat  with  large  pockets,  gaiters  in^ne  case,  and,  if 
necessary,  large  boots  in  the  other,  thick  shoes  at  any 
rate,  a  wide-awake,  and  a  well-filled  bag  or  basket  at 
the  end  of  the  day,  make  up  a  most  respectable  sports- 
man of  the  lesser  kind.  Then  for  cricket  you  want 
nothing  more  unusual  than  flannel  trousers,  which  should 
be  quite  plain,  unless  your  club  has  adopted  some  colored 
stripe  thereon,  a  colored  flannel  shirt  of  no  very  violent 
hue,  the  same  colored  cap,  shoes  with  spikes  in  them, 
and  a  great  coat. 

"  For  hunting,  lastly,  you  have  to  make  more  change, 
if  only  to  insure  your  own  comfort  and  safety.  Thus 
cord-breeches  and  some  kind  of  boots  are  indispensable. 
So  are  spurs,  so  a  hunting-whip  or  crop ;  so  too,  if  you 
do  not  wear  a  hat,  is  the  strong  round  cap  that  is  to 
save  your  valuable  skull  from  cracking  if  you  are  thrown 
on  your  head*  Again,  I  should  pity  the  man  who  would 
attempt  to  hunt  in  a  frock-coat  or  a  dress-coat ;  and  a 


DRESS.  153 

scarf  with  a  pin  in  it  is  much  more  convenient  than  a 
tie.  But  beyond  these  you  need  nothing  out  of  the  com- 
mon way,  but  a  pocketful  of  money.  The  red  coat,  for 
instance,  is  only  worn  by  regular  members  of  a  hunt,  and 
boys  who  ride  over  the  hounds  and  like  to  display  their 
*  pinks.*  In  any  case  you  are  better  with  an  ordinary 
riding-coat  of  dark  color,  though  undoubtedly  the  red  is 
prettier  in  the  field.  If  you  will  wear  the  latter,  see 
that  it  is  cut  square,  for  the  swallow-tail  is  obsolete,  and 
worn  only  by  the  fine  old  boys  who  '  hunted,  sir,  fifty 
years  ago,  sir,  when  I  was  a  boy  of  fifteen,  sir.  .  Those 
were  hunting  days,  sir ;  such  runs  and  such  leaps.' 
Again,  your  '  cords'  should  be  light  in  color  and  fine  in 
quality;  your  waistcoat,  if  with  a  red  coat,  quite  light 
too  ;  your  scarf  of  cashmere,  of  a  bufi"  color,  and  fastened 
with  a  small  simple  gold  pin ;  your  hat  should  be  old, 
and  your  cap  of  dark  green  or  black  velvet,  plated  in- 
side, and  with  a  small  stiff  peak,  should  be  made  to  look 
old.  Lastly,  for  a  choice  of  boots.  The  Hessians  are 
more  easily  cleaned,  and  therefore  less  expensive  to  keep ; 
the  '  tops'_  are  more  natty.  Brummell,  who  cared  more 
for  the  hunting-dress  than  the  hunting  itself,  intro- 
duced the  fashion  of  pipe-claying  the  tops  of  the  latter, 
but  the  old  original  'mahoganies,'  of  which  the  upper 
leathers  are  simply  polished,  seem  to  be  coming  into 
fashion  again." 


154  GENTLEMEN'S    BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

MANLY   EXERCISES. 

Bodily  exercise  is  one  of  the  most  important  means 
provided  by  nature  for  the  maintenance  of  health,  and 
in  order  to  prove  the  advantages  of  exercise,  we  must 
show  what  is  to  be  exercised,  why  exercise  is  necessary, 
and  the  various  modes  in  which  it  may  be  taken. 

The  human  body  may  be  regarded  as  a  wonderful 
machine,  the  various  .parts  of  which  are  so  wonderfully 
adapted  to  each  other,  that  if  one  be  disturbed  all  must 
suffer.  The  bones  and  muscles  are  the  parts  of  the  hu- 
man frame  on  which  motion  depends.  There  are  four 
hundred  muscles  in  the  body ;  each  one  has  certain 
functions  to  perform,  which  capnot  be  disturbed  without 
danger  to  the  whole.  They  assist  the  tendons  in  keep- 
ing the  bones  in  their  places,  and  put  them  in  motion. 
Whether  we  walk  or  run,  sit  or  stoop,  bend  the  arm  oi 
head,  or  chew  our  food,  we  may  be  said  to  open  and  shut 
a  number  of  hinges,  or  ball  and  socket  joints.  And  it 
is  a  wise  provision  of  nature,  that,  to  a  certain  extent, 
the  more  the  muscles  are  exercised,  the  stronger  do  they 
become ;  hence  it  is  that  laborers  and  artisans  are 
stronger  and  more  muscular  than  those  persons  whose 


MANLY   EXERCISES.  155 

lives  are  passed  in  easy  occupations  or  professional  du- 
ties. 

Besides  strengthening  the  limbs,  muscular  exercise 
has  a  most  beneficial  influence  on  respiration  and  the 
circulation  of  the  blood.  The  larger  blood-vessels  are 
generally  placed  deep  among  the  muscles,  consequently 
when  the  latter  are  put  into  motiofi,  the  blood  is  driven 
through  the  arteries  and  veins  with  much  greater  rapi- 
dity than  when  there  is  no  exercise ;  it  is  more  com- 
pletely purified,  as  the  action  of  the  insensible  perspira- 
tion is  promoted,  which  relieves  the  blood  of  many  irri- 
tating matters,  chiefly  carbonic  acid  and  certain  salts, 
taken  up  in  its  passage  through  the  system,  and  a  feel- 
ing of  lightness  and  cheerfulness  is  diffused  over  body 
and  mind. 

We  have  said  that  a  good  state  of  health  depends  in  a 
great  measure  on  the  proper  exercise  of  all  the  muscles. 
But  on  looking  at  the  greater  portion  of  our  industrial 
population, — artisans  and  workers  in  factories  generally 
— we  find  them,  in  numerous  instances,  standing  or  sit- 
ting in  forced  or  unnatural  positions,  using  only  a  few 
of  their  muscles,  while  the  others  remain,  comparatively 
speaking,  unused  or  inactive.  Sawyers,  filers,  tailors, 
and  many  others  may  be  easily  recognized  as  they  walk 
the  streets,  by  the  awkward  movement  and  bearing  im- 
pressed upon  them  by  long  habit.  The  stooping  posi- 
tion especially  tells  most  fatally  upon  the  health ;  weavers, 
shoemakers,  and  cotton-spinners  have  generally  a  sallow 
and  sickly  appearance,  very  different  from  that  of  those 
whose  occupation  does  not  require  them  to  stoop,  or  to 
remain  long  in  a  hurtful  posture.     Their  common  affeo- 


156  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

tions  are  indigestion  and  dull  headache,  with  giddiness 
especially  during  summer.  They  attribute  their  com- 
plaints to  two  causes,  one  of  which  is  the  posture  of  the 
body,  bent  for  twelve  or  thirteen  hours  a  day,  the  other 
the  heat  of  the  working-room. 

Besides  the  trades  above  enumerated,  there  are  many 
others  productive  of  similar  evils  by  the  position  into 
which  they  compel  workmen,  or  by  the  close  and  con- 
fined places  in  which  they  are  carried  on ;  and  others, 
again,  in  their  very  natures  injurious.  Plumbers  and 
painters  suffer  from  the  noxious  materials  which  they  are 
constantly  using,  grinders  and  filers  from  dust,  and 
bakers  from  extremes  of  temperature  and  irregular  hours. 
Wherever  there  is  physical  depression,  there  is  a  disposi- 
tion to  resort  to  injurirus  stimulants;  and  "the  time  of 
relief  from  work  is  generally  spent,  not  in  invigorating 
the  animal  frame,  but  in  aggravating  complaints,  and 
converting  functional  into  organic  disease." 

But  there  are  others  who  suffer  from  artificial  poisons 
and  defective  exercise  as  well  as  artisans  and  operatives 
— the  numerous  class  of  shopkeepers ;  the  author  above 
quoted  says,  ^' Week  after  week  passes  without  affording 
them  one  pure  inspiration.  Often,  also,  they  have  not 
exercise  even  in  the  open  air  of  the  town ;  a  furlong's 
walk  to  church  on  Sunday  being  the  extent  of  their 
rambles.  AYhen  they  have  the  opportunity  they  want 
the  inclination  for  exercise.  The  father  is  anxious  about 
his  trade  or  his  family,  the  mother  is  solicitous  about  her 
children.  Each  has  little  taste  for  recreation  or  amuse- 
ment. The  various  disorders,  generally  known  under 
the  name  of  indigestion,  disorders  dependant  on  a  want 


MANLY   EXERCISES.  157 

of  circulation  of  blood  through  the  bowels,  biliary  de- 
rangements, and  headache,  are  well  known  to  be  the 
general  attendants  on  trade,  closely  pursued.  Indeed, 
in  almost  every  individual,  this  absorbing  principle  pro- 
duces one  or  other  of  the  various  maladies  to  which  I 
have  alluded. 

The  great  remedy  for  the  evils  here  pointed  out  is 
bodily  exercise,  of  some  kind,  every  day,  and  as  much 
as  possible  in  the  open  air.  An  opinion  prevails  that  an 
occasional  walk  is  sufficient  to  maintain  the  balance  of 
health;  but  if  the  intervals  of  inaction  be  too  long,  the 
good  effect  of  one  walk  is  lost  before  another  is  taken. 
Regularity  and  sufficiency  are  to  be  as  much  regarded 
in  exercise  as  in  eating  or  sleeping.  Sir  James  Clark 
says,  that  "the  exercise  which  is  to  benefit  the  system 
generally,  must  be  in  the  open  air,  and  extend  to  the 
•whole  muscular  system.  Without  regular  exercise  out 
of  doors,  no  young  person  can  continue  long  healthy ; 
and  it  is  the  duty  of  parents  in  fixing  their  children  at 
boarding  schools  to  ascertain  that  sufficient  time  is  occu- 
pied daily  in  this  way.  They  may  be  assured  that  at- 
tention to  this  circumstance  is  quite  as  essential  to  the 
moral  and  physical  health  of  their  children,  as  any 
branch  of  education  which  they  may  be  taught." 

Exercise,  however,  must  be  regulated  by  certain  rules, 
the  principal  of  which  is,  to  avoid  carrying  it  to  excess 
— to  proportion  it  always  to  the  state  of  health  and  habit 
of  the  individual.  Persons  of  short  breath  predisposed 
to  determination  of  blood  to  the  head,  subject  to  palpi- 
tation of  the  heart,  or  general  weakness,  are  not  to  be- 
lieve that  a  course  of  severe  exercise  will  do  them  good; 


158  gentlemen's  book  oe  etiquette. 

on  the  contrary,  many  serious  results  often  follow  over- 
fatigue. For  the  same  reason  it  is  desirable  to  avoid  ac- 
tive exertion  immediately  after  a  full  meal,  as  the  foun- 
dation of  heart  diseases  is  sometimes  laid  by  leaping  or 
running  after  eating.  The  great  object  should  be  so  to 
blend  exercise  and  repose,  as  to  ensure  the  highest  pos- 
sible amount  of  bodily  vigor.  It  Trust  be  recollected 
that  exhausted  muscles  can  be  restored  only  by  the  most 
perfect  rest. 

In  the  next  place,  it  is  a  mistake  to  consider  the  labor 
of  the  day  as  equivalent  to  exercise.  Work,  generally 
speaking,  is  a  mere  routine  process,  carried  on  with  but 
little  variety  of  circumstances,  in  a  confined  atmosphere, 
and  in  a  temperature  frequently  more  exhaustive  than 
restorative.  The  workman  requires  something  more 
than  this  to  keep  him  in  health;  he  must  have  exercise 
as  often  as  possible  in  the  open  air, — in  fields,  parks,  or 
pleasure  grounds;  but  if  these  are  not  at  his  command, 
the  streets  of  the  town  are  always  open  to  him,  and  a 
walk  in  these  is  better  than  no  walk  at  all.  The  mere 
change  of  scene  is  beneficial,  and  in  walking  he  generally 
sets  in  motion  a  difierent  set  of  muscles  from  those  he 
has  used  while  at  work. 

To  derive  the  greatest  amount  of  good  from  exercise, 
it  must  be  combined  with  amusement,  and  be  made 
pleasureable  and  recreative.  This  important  fact  ought 
never  to  be  lost  sight  of,  since  to  ignorance  of  it  alone 
we  owe  many  of  the  evils  which  afflict  society.  And  it 
would  be  well  if  those  who  have  been  accustomed  to  look 
on  social  amusements  as  destructive  of  the  morals  of  the 
people,  would  consider  how  much  good  may  be  done  l)y 


MANLY  EXERCISES.  150 

giving  the  mind  a  direction  which,  while  promotive  of 
health,  would  fill  it  with  cheerfulness  and  wean  it  from 
debasing  habits.  The  character  of  our  sports  at  the 
present  time,  partake  but  little  of  the  robust  and  bois- 
terous spirit  of  our  forefathers ;  but  with  the  refinement 
of  amusements,  the  opportunity  for  enjoying  them  has 
been  grievously  diminished.  Cheering  signs  of  a  better 
state  of  things  are,  however,  visible  in  many  quarters, 
and  we  trust  that  the  good  work  will  be  carried  on  until 
the  whole  of  our  population  shall  be  in  possession  of  the 
means  and  leisure  for  pleasurable  recreation. 

While  indulging  in  the  recreative  sports  which  are  to 
restore  and  invigorate  us,,  we  must  be  mindful  of  the 
many  points  of  etiquette  and  kindness  which  will  do 
much,  if  properly  attended  to,  to  promote  the  enjoyment 
of  our  exercise,  and  we  propose  to  review  the  principal 
exercises  used  among  us,  and  to  point  out  in  what  places 
the  delicate  and  gentlemanly  attention  to  our  companions 
will  do  the  most  to  establish,  for  the  person  who  practices 
them,  the  reputation  of  a  polished  gentleman. 

RIDING. 

There  are  no  amusements,  probably,  which  give  us  so 
wide  a  scope  for  the  rendering  of  attention  to  a  friend 
as  riding  and  driving.  Accompanied,  as  we  may  be  at 
any  time,  by  timid  co^npanions,  the  power  to  convince 
them,  by  the  management  of  the  horse  we  ride,  and  the 
watch  kept  at  the  same  time  on  theirs,  that  we  are  com- 
petent to  act  the  part  of  companion  and  guardian,  will 
enable  us  to  impart  to  them  a  great  degree  of  reliance  oa 


160  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

us,  and  will,  by  lessening  their  fear  do  much  to  enhance 
the  enjoyment  of  the  excursion. 

With  ladies,  in  particular,  a  horseman  cannot  be  too 
careful  to  display  a  regard  for  the  fears  of  their  com- 
panions, and  by  a  constant  watch  on  all  the  horses  in  the 
cavalcade,  to  show  at  once  his  ability  and  willingness  to 
assist  his  companions. 

There  arc  few  persons,  comparatively  speaking,  even 
among  those  who  ride  often,  who  can  properly  assist  a 
lady  in  mounting  her  horse.  An  over-anxiety  to  help  a 
lady  as  gracefully  as  possible,  generally  results  in  a  ner- 
vous trembling  effort  which  is  exceedingly  disagreeable 
to  the  lady,  and,  at  the  same  time,  dangerous ;  for  were 
the  horse  to  shy  or  start,  he  could  not  be  so  easily 
quieted  by  a  nervous  man  as  by  one  who  was  perfectly 
cool.  In  the  mount  the  lady  must  gather  her  skirt  into 
her  left  hand,  and  stand  close  to  the  horse,  her  face  to- 
ward his  head,  and  her  right  hand  resting  on  the  pommel. 
The  gentleman,  having  asked  per;nission  to  assist  her, 
stands  at  the  horse's  shoulder,  facing  the  lady,  and  stoop- 
ing low,  he  places  his  right  hand  at  a  proper  elevation 
from  the  ground.  The  lady  then  places  her  left  foot  on 
the  gentleman's  palm,  and  as  he  raises  his  hand  she 
springs  slightly  on  her  right  foot,  and  thus  reaches  the 
saddle.  The  gentleman  must  not  jerk  his  hand  upward, 
but  lift  it  with  a  gentle  motion,  *This  method  of  mount- 
ing is  preferable  to  a  step  or  horse-block.  Keep  d^  firm 
hand,  for  a  sinking  foot-hold  will  diminish  the  confidence 
of  a  lady  in  her  escort,  and,  in  many  cases  cause  her 
unnecessary  alarm  while  mounting.  To  any  one  who  is 
likely  to  be  called  on  to  act  as  cavalier  to  ladies  in  horse- 


MANLY   EXERCISES.  161 

back  excursions,  we  would  recommend  the  following 
practice :  Saddle  a  horse  with  a  side  saddle,  and  ask  a 
gentleman  friend  to  put  on  the  skirt  of  a  lady's  habit, 
and  with  hira,  practice  the  mounting  and  dismounting 
until  you  have  thoroughly  conquered  any  difficulties  you 
may  have  experienced  at  first  : 

After  the  seat  is  first  taken  by  the  lady,  the  gentle- 
man should  always  stand  at  the  side  of  the  lady's  horse 
until  she  is  firmly  fixed  in  the  saddle,  has  a  good  foot- 
hold on  the  stirrup,  and  has  the  reins  and  whip  well  in 
hand.  Having  ascertained  that  his  companion  is  firmly 
and  comfortably  fixed  in  the  saddle,  the  gentleman 
should  mount  his  horse  and  take  his  riding  position  on 
the  right  or  "off^'  side  of  the  lady's  horse,  so  that,  in 
case  of  the  horse's  shying  in  such  a  way  as  to  bring  him 
against  the  other  horse,  the  lady  will  suffer  no  incon- 
venience. In  riding  with  two  ladies  there  are  two  rules 
in  regard  to  the  gentleman's  position. 

If  both  ladies  are  good  riders,  they  should  ride  side 
by  side,  the  ladies  to  the  left ;  but,  if  the  contrary  should 
be  the  case,  the  gentleman  should  ride  between  the  ladies 
in  order  to  be  ready  in  a  moment  to  assist  either  in  case 
of  one  of  the  horses  becoming  difficult  to  manage.  Be- 
fore allowing  a  lady  to  mount,  the  entire  furniture  of 
her  horse  should  be-  carefully  examined  by  her  escort. 
The  saddle  and  girths  should  be  tested  t©  see  if  they  are 
"rra,  the  stirrup  leather  examined,  in  case  of  the  tongue 
."  the  buckle  being  in  danger  of  slipping  out  by  not  be 
iijg  well  buckled  at  first,  and  most  particularly  the  bri 
die,  curb,  headstall,  and  reins  should  be  carefully  and 
thoroughly  examined,  for  on  them  depends  the  entire 


162  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

control  of  the  horse.  These  examinations  should  never 
be  left  to  the  stablehelps,  as  the  continual  harnessing  of 
horses  by  them  often  leads  to  a  loose  and  careless  way 
of  attending  to  such  matters,  which,  though  seemingly 
trivial,  may  lead  to  serious  consequences. 

On  the  road,  the  constant  care  of  the  gentleman  should 
be  to  render  the  ride  agreeable  to  his  companion,  by  the 
pointing  out  of  objects  of  interest  with  which  she  may 
not  be  acquainted,  the  reference  to  any  peculiar  beauty 
of  landscape  which  may  have  escaped  her  notice,  and  a 
general  lively  tone  of  conversation,  which  will,  if  she  be 
timid,  draw  her  mind  from  the  fancied  dangers  of  horse- 
back riding,  and  render  her  excursion  much  more  agree- 
able than  if  she  be  left  to  imagine  horrors  whenever  her 
horse  may  prick  up  his  ears  or  whisk  his  tail.  And, 
while  thus  conversing,  keep  an  eye  always  on  the  lady's 
horse,  so  that  in  case  he  should  really  get  frightened, 
you  may  be  ready  by  your  instruction  and  assistance  to 
aid  the  lady  in  quieting  his  fears. 

In  dismounting  you  should  offer  your  right  hand  to 
the  lady's  left,  and  allow  her  to  use  your  left  as  a  step 
to  dismount  on,  gently  declining  it  as  soon  as  the  lady 
has  left  her  seat  on  the  saddle,  and  just  before  she 
springs.  Many  ladies  spring  from  the  saddle,  but  this 
generally  confuses  the  gentleman  and  is  dangerous  to 
the  lady,  for  the  horse  may  move  at  the  instant  she 
springs,  which  would  inevitably  throw  her  backward  and 
might  result  in  a  serious  injury. 

DRIVING. 

In  the  indulgence  of  this  beautiful  pastime  there  are 


MANLY    EXEKCISES.  163 

many  points  of  care  and  attention  to  be  observed ;  they 
will  render  to  the  driver  himself  much  gratification  by 
the  confidence  they  will  inspire  in  his  companion,  by 
having  the  knowledge  that  he  or  she  is  being  driven  by 
a  careful  horseman,  and  thus  knowing  that  half  of  what 
danger  may  attend  the  pleasure,  is  removed. 

On  reaching  the  door  of  your  companion's  residence, 
whom  we  will  suppose  to  be  in  this  case  a  lady, — though 
the  same  attention  may  well  be  extended  to  a  gentle- 
man,— drive  close  to  the  mounting-block  or  curb,  and 
by  heading  your  horse  toward  the  middle  of  the  road, 
and  slightly  backing  the  wagon,  separate  the  fore  and 
hind  wheels  on  the  side  next  the  block  as  much  as  possi- 
ble. This  gives  room  for  the  lady  to  ascend  into  the 
wagon  without  soiling  her  dress  by  rubbing  against 
either  tire,  and  also  gives  the  driver  room  to  lean  over 
and  tuck  into  the  wagon  any  part  of  a  lady's  dress  that 
may  hang  out  after  she  is  seated. 

In  assisting  the  lady  to  ascend  into  the  wagon,  the 
best  and  safest  way  is  to  tie  the  horse  firmly  to  a  hitch- 
ing-post  or  tree,  and  then  to  give  to  your  companion  the 
aid  of  both  your  hands ;  but,  in  case  of  there  being  no 
post  to  which  you  can  make  the  rein  fast,  the  following 
rule  may  be  adopted : 

Grasp  the  reins  firmly  with  one  hand,  and  draw  them 
just  tight  enough  to  let  the  horse  feel  that  the}''  are 
held,  and  with  the  other  hand  assist  the  lady;  under  no 
circumstances,  even  with  the  most  quiet  horse,  should 
you  place  a  lady  in  your  vehicle  without  any  hold  on 
the  horse,  for,  although  many  horses  would  stand  per- 
fectly quiet,  the  whole  race  of  them  are  timid,  and  any 


164  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

sudden  noise  or  niotion  may  start  them,  in  -vvhicli  case 
the  life  of  your  companion  may  be  endangered.  In  the 
light  no-top  or  Yoi'h  wagon,  which  is  now  used  almost 
entirely  for  pleasure  drives,  the  right  hand  cushion 
should  always  be  higher  by  three  or  four  inches  than  the 
left,  for  it  raises  the  person  driving,  thus  giving  him 
more  control,  and  renders  the  lady's  seat  more  comfort- 
able and  more  safe.  It  is  a  mistaken  idea,  in  driving, 
that  it  shows  a  perfect  horseman,  to  drive  fast.  On  the 
contrary,  a  good  horseman  is  more  careful  of  his  horse 
than  a  poor  one,  and  in  starting,  the  horse  is  always  al- 
lowed to  go  slowly  for  time;  as  he  gradually  takes  up  a 
quicker  pace,-  and  becomes  warmed  up^,  the  driver  may 
push  him  even  to  the  top  of  his  speed  for  some  distance, 
always,  however,  allowing  him  to  slacken  his  pace  toward 
the  end  of  his  drive,  and  to  come  to  the  stopping-place 
at  a  moderate  gait. 

Endeavor,  by  your  conversation  on  the  road,  to  make 
the  ride  agreeable  to  your  companion.  Never  try  to 
sliow  off  your  driving,  but  remember,  that  there  is  no 
one  who  drives  with  so  much  apparent  ease  and  so  little 
display  as  the  professional  jockey,  who,  as  he  devotes 
his  life  to  the  management  of  the  reins,  may  well  be  sup- 
posed to  be  the  most  thoroughly  good  "  whip." 

In  helping  the  lady  out  of  the  wagon,  the  same  rule 
must  be  observed  as  in  the  start ;  namely,  to  have  your 
horse  well  in  hand  or  firmly  tied.  Should  your  com- 
panion be  a  gentleman  and  a  horseman,  the  courtesy  is 
always  to  offer  him  the  reins,  though  the  offer,  if  made 
to  yourself  by  another  with  whom  you  are  riding,  should 
always  be  declined ;  unless,  indeed,  the  horse  should  be 


MANLY  EXERCISES.  165 

particularly   "hard-mouthed"    and    your   friend's    arms 
should  be  tired,  in  which  case  you  should  relieve  him. 

Be  especially  careful  in  the  use  of  the  whip,  that  it 
may  not  spring  back  outside  of  the  vehicle  and  strike 
your  companion.  This  rule  should  be  particularly  at- 
tended to  in  driving  "tandem"  or  "four-in-hand,"  as  a 
cut  with  a  heavy  tandem-whip  is  by  no  means  a  pleasant 
accompaniment  to  your  drive. 

BOXING. 

In  this  much-abused  accomplishment,  there  would, 
from  the  rough  nature  of  the  sport,  seem  to  be  small 
room  for  civility  ;  yet,  in  none  of  the  many  manly  sports 
is  there  so  great  a  scope  for  the  exercise  of  politeness 
as  in  this.  Should  your  adversary  be  your  inferior  in 
boxing,  there  are  many  ways  to  teach  him  and  encourage 
him  in  his  pursuit  of  proficiency,  without  knocking  him 
about  as  if  your  desire  was  to  injure  him  as  much  as  pos- 
sible. And  you  will  find  that  his  gratitude  for  your 
forbearance  will  prompt  him  to  exercise  the  same  indul- 
gence to  others  who  are  inferior  to  himself,  and  thus  by 
the  exchange  of  gentlemanly  civility  the  science  of  boxing 
is  divested  of  one  of  its  most  objectionable  points,  viz  : 
the  danger  of  the  combatants  becoming  angry  and  chang- 
ing the  sport  to  a  brutal  fight. 

Always  allow  your  antagonist  to  choose  his  gloves 
from  the  set,  though,  if  you  recommend  any  to  him,  let 
him  take  the  hardest  ones  and  you  the  softest ;  thus  he 
will  receive  the  easier  blows.  Allow  him  the  choice  of 
ground  and  position,  and  endeavor  in  every  way  to  give 
him  the  utmost  chance.     In  this  way,  even  if  you  should 


166  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

be  worsted  in  the  game,  your  kindness  and  courtesy  to 
him  will  be  acknowledged  by  any  one  who  may  be  with 
you,  and  by  no  one  more  readily  than  your  antagonist 
himself.  These  same  rules  apply  to  the  art  of  fencing, 
the  most  graceful  and  beautiful  of  exercises.  Let  your 
opponent  have  his  choice  of  the  foils  and  sword-gloves, 
give  him  the  best  position  for  light,  and  in  your  thrusts 
remember  that  to  make  a  "hit"  does  not  require  you  to 
force  your  foil  as  violently  as  you  can  against  your  an- 
tagonist's breast ;  but,  that  every  touch  will  show  if  your 
foils  be  chalked  and  the  one  who  has  the  most  "  spots" 
at  the  end  of  the  encounter  is  the  beaten  man. 

SAILING. 

Within  a  few  years  there  has  been  a  most  decided 
movement  in  favor  of  aquatic  pursuits.  Scarcely  a  town 
can  be  found,  near  the  sea  or  on  the  bank  of  a  river 
but  what  can  either  furnish  a  yacht  or  a  barge.  In  all 
our  principal  cities  the  "  navies"  of  yachts  and  barges 
number  many  boats.  The  barge  clubs  particularly  are 
well-fitted  with  active,  healthy  men,  who  can  appreciate 
the  physical  benefit  of  a  few  hours'  work  at  the  end  of  a 
sixteen-foot  sweep,  and  who  prefer  health  and  blistered 
hands  to  a  life  of  fashionable  and  unhealthy  amusement. 
Under  the  head  of  sailing  we  will  give  some  hints  of 
etiquette  as  to  sailing  and  rowing  together.  A  gentleman 
will  never  parade  his  superiority  in  these  accomplishments, 
still  less  boast  of  it,  but  rather,  that  the  others  may  not  feel 
their  inferiority,  he  will  keep  considerably  within  his  pow- 
ers. If  a  guest  or  a  stranger  be  of  the  party,  the  best 
place  must  be  offered  to  him,  though  he  maybe  a  bad  oar; 


MANLY   EXERCISES.  ]f)7 

but,  at  the  same  time,  if  a  guest  knows  his  inferiority  in  this 
respect,  he  will,  for  more  reasons  than  one,  prefer  an  infe- 
rior position.  So,  too,  when  a  certain  amount  of  exertion 
is  required,  as  in  boating,  a  well-bred  man  will  offer  to 
take  the  greater  share,  pull  the  heaviest  oar,  and  will 
never  shirk  his  work.  In  short,  the  whole  rule  of  good 
manners  on  such  occasions  is  not  to  be  selfish,  -and  the 
most  amiable  man  will  therefore  be  the  best  bred.  It  is 
certainly  desirable  that  a  gentleman  should  be  able  to 
handle  an  oar,  or  to  steer  and  work  a  yacht,  both  thnt 
when  he  has  an  opportunity  he  may  acquire  health,  and 
that  he  may  be  able  to  take  part  in  the  charming  excur- 
sions which  are  made  by  water.  One  rule  should  apply 
to  all  these  aquatic  excursions,  and  that  is,  that  the  gen- 
tleman who  invites  the  ladies,  should  there  be  any,  and 
who  is,  therefore,  at  the  trouble  of  getting  up  the  party, 
should  always  be  allowed  to  steer  the  boat,  unless  ho 
decline  the  post,  for  he  has  the  advantage  of  more  inti- 
mate acquaintance  with  the  ladies,  whom  he  will  have  to 
entertain  on  the  trip,  and  the  post  of  honor  should  be 
given  him  as  a  compliment  to  his  kindness  in  undertak- 
ing the  preliminaries. 

HUNTING. 
Gentlemen  residing  in  the  country,  and  keeping  a 
stable,  are  generally  ready  to  join  the  hunt  club.  We  are 
gradually  falling  into  the  English  sports  and  pastimes. 
Cricket,  boxing,  and  hunting,  are  being  more  and  more 
practiced  every  year,  and  our  horsemen  and  pugilists 
aspire  to  conquer  those  of  Britain,  when  a  few  years 
back,  to   attempt   such  a  thing  would  have  been  consi- 


168  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

dercd  folly.  In  this  country  the  organization  of  hunt- 
clubs  is  made  as  much  to  rid  the  country  of  the  foxes  as 
to  enjoy  the  sport.  We  differ  much  from  the  Britons  in 
our  hunting  ;  we  have  often  a  hilly  dangerous  country, 
with  high  worm  and  post-and-rail  fences  crossing  it,  deep 
streams  with  precipitous  sides  and  stony  ground  to  ride 
over.  We  hunt  in  cold  weather  when  the  ground  is 
frozen  hard,  and  we  take  everything  as  it  is,  hills,  fences, 
streams,  and  hedges,  risking  our  necks  innumerable 
times  in  a  hunt.  In  England  the  hunters  have  a  flat 
country,  fences  which  do  not  compare  to  ours  in  height, 
and  they  hunt  after  a  frost  when  the  ground  is  soft. 

Our  hunting  field  at  the  "meet"  does  not  show  the 
gaudy  equipment  and  top-boots  of  England,  but  the 
plain  dress  of  the  gentleman  farmer,  sometimes  a  blue 
coat  and  jockey-cap,  but  oftener  the  every-day  coat  and 
felt  hat,  but  the  etiquette  of  our  hunting  field  is  more 
observed  than  in  England.  There  any  one  joins  the 
meet,  if  it  is  a  large  one,  but  here  no  one  enters  the  field 
unless  acquainted  with  one  or  more  of  the  gentlemen  on 
the  ground.  The  rules  in  the  hunt  are  few  and  simple. 
Never  attempt  to  hunt  unless  you  have  a  fine  seat  m  the 
saddle  and  a  good  horse,  and  never  accept  the  loan  of  a 
friend's  horse,  still  less  an  enemy's,  unless  you  ride  very 
well.  A  man  may  forgive  you  for  breaking  his  daugh- 
ter's heart  but  never  for  breaking  his  hunter's  neck. 
Another  point  is,  always  to  be  quiet  at  a  meet,  and  never 
join  one  unless  acquainted  with  some  one  in  the  field. 
Pluck,  skill,  and  a  good  horse  are  essentials  in  hunting. 
Never  talk  of  your  achievments,  avoid  enthusiastic  shout- 
ing when  you   break   cover,  and  do  not  ride  over  the 


MANLY    EXERCISES.  169 

hounds.  Keep  a  firm  hand,  a  quick  eye,  an  easy,  calm 
frame  of  mind,  and  a  good,  firm  seat  on  the  saddle. 
Watch  the  country  you  are  going  over,  be  always  ready 
to  help  a  friend  who  may  ''come  to  grief,"  and  with  the 
rules  and  the  quiet  demeanor  you  will  soon  be  a  favorite 
in  the  field. 

SKATING. 

Though  we  may,  in  the  cold  winter,  sigh  for  the  return 
of  spring  breezes,  and  look  back  with  regret  on  the  au- 
tumn sports,  or  even  the  heat  of  summer,  there  is  yet  a 
balm  for  our  frozen  spirits  in  the  glorious  and  exhilarat- 
ing sports  of  winter.  The  sleigh  filled  with  laughing 
female  beauties  and  "beauties,"  too,  of  the  sterner  sex, 
and  the  merry  jingle  of  the  bells  as  we  fly  along  the 
road  or  through  the  streets,  are  delights  of  which  Old 
Winter  alone  is  the  giver.  But,  pleasant  as  the  sleigh- 
ride  is,  the  man  who  looks  for  health  and  exercise  at  all 
seasons,  turns  from  the  seductive  pleasures  of  the  sleigh 
to  the  more  simple  enjoyment  derived  from  the  skates. 
Flying  along  over  the  glistening  ice  to  the  accompani- 
ment of  shouts  of  merry  laughter  at  some  novice's  mis- 
hap, and  feeling  that  we  have  within  us  the  speed  of  the 
race-horse,  the  icy  pleasure  is,  indeed,  a  good  substitute 
for  the  pleasures  of  the  other  seasons. 

So  universal  has  skating  become,  that  instruction  in 
this  graceful  accomplishment  seems  almost  unnecessary; 
but,  for  the  benefit  of  the  rising  generation  who  may 
peruse  our  work,  we  will  give,  from  a  well-known  au- 
thority, a  few  hints  as  to  the  manner  of  using  the  skates 


170  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

before  we  add  our  own  instruction  as  to  the  etiquette  of 
the  skating  ground. 

*' Before  going  on  the  ice,  the  young  skater  must  learn 
to  put  on  the  skates,  and  may  also  learn  to  walk  with 
them  easily  in  a  room,  balancing,  alternately,  on  each 
foot.  A  skater's  dress  should  be  as  loose  and  unincum- 
bered as  possible.  All  fullness  of  dress  is  exposed  to  the 
•wind.  As  the  exercise  of  skating  produces  perspiration, 
flannel  next  the  chest,  shoulders,  and  loins,  is  necessary 
to  avoid  the  evils  of  sudden  chills  in  cold  weather. 

"Either  very  rough  or  very  smooth  ice  should  be 
avoided.  The  person  who,  for  the  first  time,  attempts  to 
skate,  must  not  trust  to  a  stick.  He  may  take  a  friend's 
hand  for  support,  if  he  requires  one;  but  that  should  be 
soon  relinquished,  in  order  to  balance  himself.  He  will, 
probably,  scramble  about  for  half  an  hour  or  so,  till  he 
begins  to  find  out  where  the  edge  of  his  skate  is.  The 
beginner  must  be  fearless,  but  not  violent;  nor  even  in 
a  hurry.  He  should  not  let  his  feet  get  apart,  and  keep 
his  heels  still  nearer  together.  He  must  keep  the  ankle 
of  the  foot  on  the  ice  quite  firm ;  not  attempting  to  gain 
the  edge  of  the  skate  by  bending  it,  because  the  right 
mode  of  getting  to  either  edge  is  by  the  inclination  of 
the  whole  body  in  the  direction  required;  and  this  incli- 
nation should  be  made  fearlessly  and  decisively.  The 
]eg  which  is  on  the  ice  should  be  kept  perfectly  straight; 
for,  though  the  knee  must  be  somewhat  bent  at  the  time 
of  striking,  it  must  be  straightened  as  quickly  as  possi- 
ble without  any  jerk.  The  leg  which  is  ofi"  the  ice  should 
also  be  kept  straight,  though  not  stiflf,  having  an  easy 


MANLY   EXERCISES.  171 

but  straight  play,  the  toe  pointing  downwards,  and  the 
heel  from  six  to  twelve  inches  of  the  other. 

*'The  learner  must  not  look  down  at  the  ice,  nor  at 
his  feet,  to  see  how  they  perform.  He  may,  at  first,  in- 
cline his  body  a  little  forward,  for  safety,  but  hold  his 
head  up,  and  see  where  he  goes,  his  person  erect  and  his 
face  rather  elevated  than  otherwise. 

"When  once  off,  he  must  bring  both  feet  up  together, 
and  strike  again,  as  'soon  as  he  finds  himself  steady 
enough,  rarely  allowing  both  feet  to  be  on  the  ice  to- 
gether. The  position  of  the  arms  should  be  easy  and 
varied;  one  being  always  more  raised  than  the  other, 
this  elevation  being  alternate,  and  the  change  corres- 
ponding to  that  of  the  legs ;  that  is,  the  right  arm  being 
raised  as  tlie  right  leg  is  put  down,  and  vice  versd,  so 
that  the  arm  and  leg  of  the  same  side  may  not  be  raised 
together.  The  face  must  be  always  turned  in  the  direc- 
tion of  the  line  intended  to  be  described.  Hence  in 
backward  skating,  the  head  will  be  inclined  much  over 
the  shoulder;  in  forward  skating,  but  slightly.  All 
sudden  and  violent  action  must  be  avoided.  Stopping 
may  be  caused  by  slightly  bending  the  knees,  drawing 
the  feet  together,  inclining  the  body  forward,  and  press- 
ing on  the  heels.  It  may  be -also  caused  by  turning 
short  to  the  right  or  left,  the  foot  on  the  side  to  which 
we  turn  being  rather  more  advanced,  and  supporting 
part  of  the  w^eight."* 

When  on  the  ice,  if  you  should  get  your  skates  on  be- 
fore your  companion,  always  wait  for  him ;  for,  nothing 
is  more  disagreeable 'than  being  left  behind  on  an  occa- 
*  Walker's  Manly  Exercises. 


172  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

sion  of  this  kind.  Be  ready  at  all  times  when  skating 
to  render  assistance  to  any  one,  either  lady  or  gentle- 
man, who  may  require  it.  A  gentleman  may  be  distin- 
guished at  all  times  by  the  willingness  with  which  he 
w^ill  give  up  his  sport  to  render  himself  agreeable  and 
kind  to  any  one  in  difficulty.  Should  you  have  one  of 
the  skating-sleds  so  much  used  for  taking  ladies  on  the 
ice,  and  should  your  own  ladies,  if  you  are  accompanied 
by  any,  not  desire  to  use  it,  the  most  becoming  thing 
you  can  do  is  to  place  it  at  the  disposal  of  any  other 
gentleman  who  has  ladies  with  him,  and  who  is  not  pro- 
vided with  such  a  conveyance. 

Always  keep  to  the  right  in  meeting  a  person  on  the 
ice,  and  always  skate  perfectly  clear  of  the  line  in  which 
a  lady  is  advancing,  whether  she  be  on  skates  or  on  foot. 
Attention  to  the  other  sex  is  no  where  more  appreciated 
than  on  the  ice,  where  they  are,  unless  good  skaters, 
comparatively  helpless.  Be  always  prompt  to  assist  m 
the  extrication  of  any  one  who  may  break  through  the 
ice,  but  let  your  zeal  be  tempered  by  discretion,  and 
always  get  a  rope  or  ladder  if  possible,  in  preference  to 
going  near  the  hole ;  for  there  is  great  risk  of  your  break- 
ing through  yourself,'  and  endangering  your  own  life 
without  being  able  to  assist  the  person  already  sub- 
merged. But  should  the  rope  or  ladder  not  be  con- 
venient, the  best  method  is  to  lay  flat  on  your  breast  on 
the  ice,  and  push  yourself  cautiously  along  until  you  can 
touch  the  person's  hand,  and  then  let  him  climb  by  it 
out  of  the  hole. 


MANLY   EXEKCISES.  ITS 

SWIM  MING. 

So  few  persons  are  unable  to  swim,  that  it  would  be 
useless  for  us  to  furnish  any  instruction  in  the  actual 
art  of  swimming ;  but  a  few  words  on  the  subject  of  as- 
sisting others  while  in  the  water  may  not  come  amiss. 

It  is  a  desirable  accomplishment  to  be  able  to  swim  in 
a  suit  of  clothes.  This  may  be  practiced  by  good  swim- 
mers, cautiously  at  first,  in  comparatively  shallow  water, 
and  afterwards  in  deeper  places.  Occasions  may  fre- 
quently occur  where  it  may  be  necessary  to  plunge  into 
the  water  to  save  a  drowning  person,  where  the  lack  of 
time,  or  the  presence  of  ladies,  would  preclude  all  possi- 
bility of  removing  the  clothes.  There  are  few  points 
of  etiquette*  in  swimming,  except  those  of  giving  all  the 
assistance  in  our  power  to  beginners,  and  to  remember 
the  fact  of  our  being  gentlemen,  though  the  sport  may 
be  rough  when  we  are  off  terra  firma.  We  shall  there- 
fore devote  this  section  of  our  exercise  department  to 
giving  a  few  general  directions  as  to  supporting  drown- 
ing persons,  which  support  is,  after  all,  the  most  valued 
attention  we  can  render  to  any  one. 

If  possible,  always  go  to  save  a  life  in  company  with 
one  or  two  others.  One  companion  is  generally  suffi- 
cient, but  two  will  do  no  harm,  for,  if  the  service  of  the 
second  be  not  required,  he  can  easily  swim  back  to  shore. 
On  reaching  the  object  of  your  pursuit,  if  he  be  clinging 
to  anything,  caution  him,  as  you  approach,  to  hold  it 
until  you  tell  him  to  let  go,  and  then  to  let  his  arms  fall 
to  his  side.  Then  let  one  of  your  companions  place  his 
hand  under  the  armpit  of  the  person  to  be  assisted,  and 


174  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

you  doing  the  like,  call  to  him  to  let  go  his  support,  then 
tread  water  until  jou  get  his  arms  on  the  shoulders  of 
your  companion  and  yourself,  and  then  swim  gently  to 
shore.  Should  you  be  alone,  the  utmost  you  can  do  is 
to  let  him  hold  his  support  while  you  tread  water  near 
him  until  further  assistance  can  be  obtained.  If  you 
are  alone  and  he  has  no  support,  let  him  rest  one  arm 
across  your  shoulder,  put  one  of  your  arms  behind  his 
back,  and  the  hand  under  his  armpit,  and  tread  water 
until  help  arrives.  Never  let  a  man  in  these  circum- 
stances grasp  you  in  any  way,  particularly  if  he  b( 
frightened,  for  you  may  both  be  drowned;  but,  try  t( 
cool  and  reassure  him  by  the  intrepidity  of  your  owi 
movements,  and  he  will  be  safely  and  easily  preserved. 

CRICKET. 

When  in  the  cricket-field,  we  must  allow  ourselves  tc 
enter  into  the  full  spirit  of  the  game;  but  we  must  not 
allow  the  excitement  of  the  play  to  make  us  forget  whal 
is  due  to  others  and  to  ourselves.  A  gentle,  easy,  an( 
at  the  same  time,  gentlemanly  manner,  may  be  as 
sumed.  Always  ofier  to  your  companions  the  use  oi 
your  private  bat,  if  they  are  not  similarly  provided;  foi 
the  bats  belonging  to  the  club  often  lose  the  spring  ii 
the  handle  from  constant  use,  and  a  firm  bat  with  a  goo( 
spring  will  prove  very  acceptable.  In  this  way  yoi 
gratify  the  player,  and,  as  a  reward  for  your  kindness, 
he  may,  from  being  well  provided,  score  more  for  th( 
side  than  he  would  with  inferior  or  worn-out  tools. 

This  game  is  more  purely  democratic  than  any  one  w( 
knew  of,  and  the  most  aristocratic  of  gentlemen  takes 


MANLY   EXERCISES.  175 

• 

second  rank,  for  the  time,  to  the  most  humble  cricketer, 
if  the  latter  be  the  more  skillful.  But  a  good  player  is 
not  always  a  gentleman,  and  the  difference  in  cultivation 
may  always  be  distinguished.  A  gentleman  will  never 
deride  any  one  for  his  bad  play,  nor  give  vent  to  oaths, 
or  strong  epithets,  if  disappointed  in  the  playing  of  one 
of  his  side.  If  he  has  to  ask  another  player  for  any- 
thing, he  does  so  in  a  way  to  establish  his  claim  to  gen- 
tility. "May  I  trouble  you  for  that  ball?"  or,  "Will 
you  please  to  hand  me  that  bat?"  are  much  preferable  to 
"Here,  you!  ball  there!"  or,  "Clumsy,  don't  carry  off 
that  bat !"  Again,  if  a  gentleman  makes  a  mistake  him- 
self, he  should  always  acknowledge  it  quietly,  and  never 
start  a  stormy  discussion  as  to  the  merits  of  his  batting 
or  fielding.  In  fine,  preserve  the  same  calm  demeanor 
in  the  field  that  you  would  in  the  parlor,  however  deeply 
you  enter  into  the  excitement  of  the  game. 


176  gentlemen's   BOOk   oF   ETIQUETTE. 


CHAPTEE    IX. 

TRAVELING. 

In  this  country  where  ladies  travel  so  much  alone,  a 
gentleman  has  many  opportunities  of  making  this  un- 
protected state  a  pleasant  one.  There  are  many  little 
courtesies  which  you  may  offer  to  a  lady  when  travel- 
ing, even  if  she  is  an  entire  stranger  to  you,  and  by  an 
air  of  respectful  deference,  you  may  place  her  entirely 
at  her  ease  with  you,  even  if  you  are  both  young. 

When  traveling  with  a  lady,  your  duties  commence 
when  3^ou  are  presented  to  her  as  an  escort.  If  she  is 
personally  a  stranger,  she  will  probably  meet  you  at  the 
wharf  or  car  depot ;  but  if  an  old  acquaintance,  you 
should  offer  to  call  for  her  at  her  residence.  Take  a 
hack,  and  call,  leaving,  ample  time  for  last  speeches  and 
farewell  tears.  If  she  hands  you  her  purse  to  defray 
her  expenses,  return  it  to  her  if  you  stop  for  any  length 
of  time  at  a  place  where  she  may  wish  to  make  pur- 
chases. If  you  make  no  stop  upon  your  journey,  keep 
the  purse  until  you  arrive  at  your  destination,  and  then 
return  it.  If  she  does  not  give  you  the  money  for  her 
expenses  when  you  start,  you  had  best  pay  them  your- 
self, keeping  an  account,  and  she  will  repay  you  at  the 
journey's  end. 


TRAVELINa.  177 

When  you  start,  select  for  your  companion  the  plea- 
santest  seat,  see  that  her  shawl  and  bag  are  within  hei 
reach,  the  window  lowered  or  raised  as  she  may  prefer, 
and  then  leave  her  to  attend  to  the  baggage,  or,  if  you 
prefer,  let  her  remain  in  the  hack  while  you  get  checks 
for  the  trunks.  Never  keep  a  lady  standing  upon  the 
wharf  or  in  the  depot,  whilst  you  arrange  the  baggage. 

When  you  arrive  at  a  station,  place  your  lady  in  a 
hack  while  you  get  the  trunks. 

When  arriving  at  a  hotel,  escort  your  companion  to 
the  parlor,  and  leave  her  there  whilst  you  engage  rooms. 
As  soon  as  her  room  is  ready,  escort  her  to  the  door, 
and  leave  her,  as  she  will  probably  wish  to  change  her 
dress  or  lie  down,  after  the  fatigue  of  traveling.  If  you 
remain  chatting  in  the  parlor,  although  she  may  be  too 
polite  to  give  any  sign  of  weariness,  you  may  feel  sure 
she  is  longing  to  go  to  a  room  where  she  can  bathe  her 
face  and  smooth  her  hair. 

If  you  remain  in  the  hotel  to  any  meal,  ask  before 
you  leave  her,  at  what  hour  she  wishes  to  dine,  sup,  or 
breakfast,  and  at  that  hour,  knock  at  her  door,  and 
escort  her  to  the  table. 

If  you  remain  in  the  city  at  which  her  journey  ter- 
minates, you  should  call  the  day  after  your  arrival  upon 
the  companion  of  your  journey.  If,  previous  to  that 
journey,  you  have  never  met  her,  she  has  the  privilege 
of  continuing  the  acquaintance  or  not  as  she  pleases,  so 
if  all  your  gallantry  is  repaid  by  a  cut  the  next  time 
you  meet  her,  you  must  submit,  and  hope  for  better 
^uck  next  time.  In  such  a  case,  you  are  at  liberty 
12 


178  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

to  decline  escorting  her  again  should  the  request  be 
made. 

When  traveling  alone,  your  opportunities  to  display 
your  gallantry  will  be  still  more  numerous.  To  offer 
to  carry  a  bag  for  a  lady  who  is  unattended,  to  raise  or 
lower  a  window  for  her,  offer  to  check  her  baggage, 
procure  her  a  hack,  give  her  your  arm  from  car  to  boat 
or  boat  to  car,  assist  her  children  over  the  bad  crossings, 
or  in  fact  extend  any  such  kindness,  will  mark  you  as  a 
gentleman,  and  win  you  the  thanks  due  to  your  courtesy. 
Be  careful  however  not  to  be  too  attentive,  as  you  then 
become  officious,  and  embarrass  when  you  mean  to 
please. 

If  you  are  going  to  travel  in  other  countries,  in  Eu- 
rope, especially,  I  would  advise  you  to  study  the  lan- 
guages, before  you  attempt  to  go  abroad.  French  is 
the  tongue  you  will  find  most  useful  in  Europe,  as  it  is 
spoken  in  the  courts,  and  amongst  diplomatists ;  but,  in 
order  fully  to  enjoy  a  visit  to  any  country,  you  must 
speak  the  language  of  that  country.  You  can  then 
visit  in  the  private  houses,  see  life  among  the  peasantry, 
go  with  confidence  from  village  to  town,  from  city  to 
city,  learning  more  of  the  country  in  one  day  from 
familiar  intercourse  with  the  natives,  than  you  would 
learn  in  a  year  from  guide  books  or  the  explanations  of 
your  courier.  The  way  to  really  enjoy  a  journey 
through  a  strange  land,  is  not  to  roll  over  the  high 
ways  in  your  carriage,  stop  at  the  hotels,  and  be  led 
to  the  points  of  interest  by  your  guide,  but  to  shoulder 
your  knapsack,  or  take  up  your  valise,  and  make  a 
pedestrian  tour  through  the  hamlets  and  villages.     Take 


TRAVELING.  179 

a  room  at  a  hotel  in  the  principal  cities  if  you  will, 
and  see  all  that  your  guide  book  commands  you  to  seek, 
and  then  start  on  your  ^wn  tour  of  investigation,  and 
believe  me  you  will  enjoy  your  independent  walks  and 
chats  with  the  villagers  and  peasants,  infinitely  more 
than  your  visits  dictated  by  others.  Of  course,  to  en- 
joy this  mode  of  traveling,  you  must  have  some  know- 
ledge of  the  language,  and  if  you  start  w^ith  only  a  very 
slight  acquaintance  with  it,  you  will  be  surprised  to  find 
how  rapidly  you  will  acquire  the  power  to  converse, 
when  you  are  thus  forced  to  speak  in  that  language,  or 
be  entirely  silent. 

Your  pocket,  too,  will  be  the  gainer  by  the  power  to 
arrange  your  own  affairs.  If  you  travel  with  a  courier 
and  depend  upon  him  to  arrange  your  hotel  bills  and 
other  matters,  you  will  be  cheated  by  every  one,  from 
the  boy  who  blacks  your  boots,  to  the  magnificent  artist, 
who  undertakes  to  fill  your  picture  gallery  with  the  works 
of  the  "old  masters."  If  Murillo,  Raphael,  and  Guide 
could  see  the  pictures  brought  annually  to  this  country 
as  genuine  works  of  their  pencils,  we  are  certain  that 
they  would  tear  their  ghostly  hair,  wring  their  shadowy 
hands,  and  return  to  the  tomb  again  in  disgust.  Igno- 
rant of  the  language  of  the  country  you  are  visiting,  you 
will  be  swindled  in  the  little  villages  and  the  large  cities 
by  the  inn-keepers  and  the  hack-drivers,  in  the  country 
and  in  the  town,  morning,  noon,  and  evening,  daily, 
hourly,  and  weekly ;  so,  again  I  say,  study  the  languages 
if  you  propose  going  abroad. 

In  a  foreign  country  nothing  stamps  the  difference  be- 
tween the  gentleman  and  the  clown  more  strongly  than 


180  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

the  regard  they  pay  to  foreign  customs.  While  the 
latter  will  exclaim  against  every  strange  dress  or  dish, 
and  even  show  signs  of  disgust  if  the  latter  does  not 
please  him,  the  former  will  endeavor,  as  far  as  is  in  his 
power,  to  "  do  in  Rome  as  Romans  do." 

Accustom  yourself,  as  soon  as  possible,  to  the  customs 
of  the  nation  which  you  are  visiting,  and,  as  far  as  you 
can  without  any  violation  of  principle,  follow  them. 
You  will  add  much  to  your  own  comfort  by  so  doing,  for, 
as  you  cannot  expect  the  whole  nation  to  conform  to 
your  habits,  the  sooner  you  fall  in  with  theirs  the  sooner 
you  will  feel  at  home  in  the  strange  land. 

Never  ridicule  or  blame  any  usage  which  seems  to  you 
ludicrous  or  wrong.  You  may  wound  those  around  you, 
or  you  may  anger  them,  and  it  cannot  add  to  the 
pleasure  of  your  visit  to  make  yourself  unpopular.  If 
in  Germany  they  serve  your  meat  upon  marmalade,  or 
your  beef  raw,  or  in  Italy  give  you  peas  in  their  pods, 
or  in  Franpe  offer  you  frog's  legs  and  horsesteaks,  if  you 
cannot  eat  the  strange  viands,  make  no  remarks  and  re- 
press every  look  or  gesture  of  disgust.  Try  to  adapt 
your  taste  to  the  dishes,  and  if  you  find  that  impossible, 
remove  those  articles  you  cannot  eat  from  your  plate, 
and  make  your  meal  upon  the  others,  but  do  this  silently 
and  quietly,  endeavoring  not  to  attract  attention. 

The  best  travelers  are  those  who  can  eat  cats  in  China, 

/  oil  in  Greenland,  frogs  in  France,  and  maccaroni  in  Italy ; 

who  can  smoke  a  meershaum  in  Germany,  ride  an  elephant 

in  India,  shoot  partridges  in  England,  and  wear  a  turban 

in  Turkey ;  in  short,  in  every  nation  adapt  their  habits, 


TRAVELING.  181 

costume,  and  taste  to  the  national  manners,  dress  and 
dishes. 

Do  not,  when  abroad,  speak  continually  in  praise  of 
your  own  country,  or  disparagingly  of  others.  If  you 
find  others  are  interested  in  gaining  information  about 
America,  ' speak  candidly  and  freely  of  its  customs, 
scenery,  or  products,  but  not  in  a  wdj  that  will  imply  a 
contempt  of  other  countries.  To  turn  up  your  nose  at 
the  Thames  because  the  Mississippi  is  longer  and  wider, 
or  to  sneer  at  ani/  object  because  you  have  seen  its  su- 
perior at  home,  is  rude,  ill-bred,  and  in  excessively  bad 
taste.  You  will  find  abroad  numerous  objects  of  interest 
which  America  cannot  parallel,  and  while  abroad,  you 
will  do  well  to  avoid  mention  of  "our  rivers,"  "our 
mountains,"  or,  "  our  manufactories."  You  will  find  ruins 
in  Rome,  pictures  in  Florence,  cemeteries  in  France,  and 
factories  in  England,  which  will  take  the  lead  and  chal- 
lenge the  world  to  compete ;  and  you  will  exhibit  a  far 
better  spirit  if  you  candidly  acknowledge  that  superiority, 
than  if  you  make  absurd  and  untrue  assertions  of  "our" 
power  to  excel  them. 

You  will,  of  course,  meet  with  much  to  disapprove, 
much  that  will  excite  your  laughter;  but  control  the  one 
and  keep  silence  about  the  other.  If  you  find  fault,  do 
so  gently  and  quietly ;  if  you  praise,  do  so  without  quali- 
fication, sincerely  and  warmly. 

Study  well  the  geography  of  any  country  which  you 
may  visit,  and,  as  far  as  possible,  its  history  also.  You 
cannot  feel  much  interest  in  localities  or  monuments  con- 
nected with  history,  if  you  are  unacquainted  with  the 
events  which  make  them  worthy  of  note. 


182  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Converse  with  any  who  seem  disposed  to  form  an  ac- 
quaintance. You  may  thus  pass  an  hour  or  two  plea- 
santly, obtain  useful  information,  and  you  need  not  carry 
on  the  acquaintance  unless  you  choose  to  do  so.  Amongst 
the  higher  circles  in  Europe  you  will  find  many  of  the 
customs  of  each  nation  in  other  nations,  but  it  is  among 
the  peasants  and  the  people  that  you  find  the  true  na- 
tionality. 

You  may  carry  with  you  one  rule  into  every  country, 
which  is,  that,  however  much  the  inhabitants  may  object 
to  your  dress,  language,  or  habits,  they  will  cheerfully 
acknowledge  that  the  American  stranger  is  perfectly 
amiable  and  polite. 


ETIQUETTE   IN   CHURCH.  183 


CHAPTER  X. 

ETIQUETTE  IN  CHURCH. 

It  is  not,  in  this  book,  a  question,  what  you  must  be- 
lieve, but  how  jou  must  act.  If  your  conscience  per- 
mits you  to  visit  other  churches  than  your  own,  your  first 
duty,  whilst  in  them,  is  not  to  sneer  or  scofi*  at  any  of 
its  forms,  and  to  follow  the  service  as  closely  as  you  can. 

To  remove  your  hat  upon  entering  the  edifice  devoted 
to  the  worship  of  a  Higher  Power,  is  a  sign  of  respect 
never  to  be  omitted.  Many  men  will  omit  in  foreign 
churches  this  custom  so  expressive  and  touching,  and  by 
the  omission  make  others  believe  them  irreverent  and 
foolish,  even  though  they  may  act  from  mere  thought- 
lessness. If,  however,  you  are  in  a  country  where  the 
head  is  kept  covered,  and  another  form  of  humility 
adopted,  you  need  not  fear  to  follow  the  custom  of  those 
around  you.  You  will  be  more  respected  if  you  pay  de- 
ference to  their  religious  views,  than  if  you  undertook  to 
prove  your  superiority  by  affecting  a  contempt  for  any 
form  of  worship.  Enter  with  your  thoughts  fixed  upon 
high  and  holy  subjects,  and  your  face  will  show  your  de- 
votion, even  if  you  are  ignorant  of  the  forms  of  that 
particular  church. 

If  you  are  with  a  lady,  in  a  catholic  church,  ofi'er  hei 


ISl  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

the  liolj  water  with  jour  hand  ungloved,  for,  as  it  ig 
in  the  intercourse  with  princes,  that  church  requires  all 
the  ceremonies  to  be  performed  with  the* bare  hand. 

Pass  up  the  aisle  with  your  companion  until  you  reach 
the  pew  you  are  to  occupy,  then  step  before  her,  open 
the  door,  and  hold  it  open  while  she  enters  the  pew. 
Then  follow  her,  closing  the  door  after  you. 

If  you  are  visiting  a  strange  church,  request  the 
sexton  to  give  you  a  seat.  Never  enter  a  pew  uninvited. 
If  you  are  in  your  own  pew  in  church,  and  see  strangers 
looking  for  a  place,  open  your  pew  door,  invite  them  by 
a  motion  to  enter,  and  hold  the  door  open  for  them,  re- 
entering yourself  after  they  are  seated. 

If  others  around  you  do  not  pay  what  you  think  a 
proper  attention  to  the  services,  do  not,  by  scornful 
glances  or  whispered  remarks,  notice  their  omissions. 
Strive,  by  your  own  devotion,  to  forget  those  near  you. 

You  may  offer  a  book  or  fan  to  a  stranger  near  you, 
if  unprovided  themselves,  whether  they  be  young  or  old, 
lady  or  gentleman. 

Remain  kneeling  as  long  as  those  around  you  do  so. 
Do  not,  if  your  own  devotion  is  not  satisfied  by  your  at- 
titude, throw  scornful  glances  upon  those  who  remain 
seated,  or  merely  bow  their  heads.  Above  all  never  sign 
to  -them,  or  speak,  reminding  them  of  the  position  most 
suitable  for  the  service.  Keep  your  ow^n  position,  but  do 
not  think  you  have  the  right  to  dictate  to  others.  I 
have  heard  young  persons  addressing,  with  words  of  re- 
proach, old  men,  and  lame  ones,  whose  infirmities  forbade 
them  to  kneel  or  stand  in  church,  but  who  were,  doubts 
less,  as  good  Christians  as  their  presumptuous  advisers. 


ETIQUETTE   IN   CHURCH.        '^  185 

I  know  that  it  often  is  an  effort  to  remain  silent  when 
those  in  another  pew  talk  incessantly  in  a  low  tone  or 
whisper,  or  sing  in  a  loud  tone,  out  of  all  time  or  tune, 
or  read  the  wrong  responses  in  a  voice  of  thunder  ;  but, 
while  you  carefully  avoid  such  faults  yourself,  you  must 
pass  them  over  .in  others,  without  remark. 

If,  when  abroad,  you  visit  a  church  to  see  the  pictures 
or  monuments  within  its  walls,  and  not  for  worship, 
choose  the  hours  when  there  is  no  service  being  read. 
Even  if  you  are  alone,  or  merely  with  a  guide,  speak 
low,  walk  slowly,  and  keep  an  air  of  quiet  respect  in 
the  edifice  devoted  to  the  service  of  God. 

Let  me  here  protest  against  an  Americanism  of  which 
modest  ladies  justly  complain;  it  is  that  of  gentlemen 
standing  in  groups  round  the  doors  of  churches  both  be- 
fore and  after  service.  A  well-bred  man  will  not  indulge 
in  this  practice;  and,  if  detained  upon  the  step  by  a 
friend,  or.  whilst  waiting  for  another  person,  he  will 
stand  aside  and  allow  plenty  of  room  for  others  to  pass 
in,  and  will  never  bring  the  blood  into  a  woman's  face 
by  a  long,  curious  stare. 

In  church,  as  in  every  other  position  in  life,  the  most 
unselfish  man  is  the  most  perfect  gentleman ;  so,  if  you 
wish  to  retain  your  position  as  a  well-bred  man,  you  will, 
in  a  crowded  church,  offer  your  seat  to  any  lady,  or  old 
man,  who  may  be  standing. 


186  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

ONE   HUNDRED  HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT. 

1.  Always  avoid  any  rude  or  boisterous  action,  es- 
pecially when  in  the  presence  of  ladies.  It  is  not  ne- 
cessary to  be  stiff,  indolent,  or  sullenly  silent,  neither  is 
perfect  gravity  always  required,  but  if  you  jest  let  it  be 
with  quiet,  gentlemanly  wit,  never  depending ,  upon 
clownish  gestures  for  the  effect  of  a  story.  Nothing 
marks  the  gentleman  so  soon  and  so  decidedly  as  quiet, 
refined  ease  of  manner. 

2.  Never  allow  a  lady  to  get  a  chair  for  herself?  ring 
a  bell,  pick  up  a  handkerchief  or  glove  she  may  have 
dropped,  or,  in  short,  perform  any  service  for  herself 
which  you  can  perform  for  her,  when  you  are  in  the 
room.  By  extending  such  courtesies  to  your  mother, 
sisters,  or  other  members  of  your  family,  they  become 
habitual,  and  are  thus  more  gracefully  performed  when 
abroad. 

3.  Never  perform  any  little  service  for  another  with  a 
formal  bow  or  manner  as  if  conferring  a  favor,  but  with 
a  quiet  gentlemanly  ease  as  if  it  wero,  not  a  ceremonious, 
unaccustomed  performance,  but  a  matter  of  course,  for 
you  to  be  courteous. 

4.  It  is  not  necessary  to  tell  all  that  you  know;  that 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.     187 

were  mere  follj;  but  what  a  man  sajs  must  be  what  he 
believes  himself,  else  he  violates  the  first  rule  for  a  gen- 
tleman's speech — Truth. 

5.  Avoid  gambling  as  you  would  poison.  Every  bet 
made,  even  in  the  most  finished  circles  of  society,  is  a 
species  of  gambling,  and  this  ruinous  crime  comes  on  by 
slow  degrees.  Whilst  a  man  is  minding  his  business,  he 
is  playing  the  best  game,  and  he  is  sure  to  win.  You 
will  be  tempted  to  the  vice  by  those  whom  the  world 
calls  gentlemen,  but  you  will  find  that  loss  makes  you 
angry,  and  an  angry  man  is  never  a  courteous  one ;  gain 
excites  you  to  continue  the  pursuit  of  the  vice;  and,  in 
the  end  you  will  lose  money,  good  name,  health,  good 
conscience,  light  heart,  and  honesty ;  while  you  gain  evil 
associates,  irregular  hours  and  habits,  a  suspicious,  fret- 
ful temper,  and  a  remorseful,  tormenting  conscience. 
Some  one  must  lose  in  the  game ;  and,  if  you  win  it,  it 
is  at  the  risk  of  driving  a  fellow  creature  to  despair. 

6.  Cultivate  tact !  In  society  it  will  be  an  invaluable 
aid.  Talent  is  something,  but  tact  is  everything.  Talent 
is  serious,  sober,  grave,  and  respectable  ;  tact  is  all  that 
and  more  too.  It  is  not  a  sixth  sense,  but  it  is  the  life 
of  all  the  five.  It  is  the  open  eye,  the  quick  ear,  the 
judging  taste,  the  keen  smell,  and  the  lively  touch ;  it  is 
the  interpreter  of  all  riddles — the  surmounter  of  all  diffi- 
culties— the  remover  of  all  obstacles.  It  is  useful  in  all 
places,  and  at  all  times  ;  it  is  useful  in  solitude,  for  it 
shows  a  man  his  way  into  the  world;  it  is  useful  in  so- 
ciety, for  it  shows  him  his  way  through  the  world.  Talent 
is  power — tact  is  skill;  talent  is  weight — tact  is  momen- 
tum; talent  knows  what  to  do — tact  knows  how  to  do  it; 


188  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

talent  makes  a  man  respectable — tact  will  make  him  re- 
spected; talent  is  wealth — tact  is  ready  money.  For  all 
the  practical  purposes  of  society  tact  carries  against 
talent  ten  to  one. 

7.  Nature  has  left  every  man  a  capacity  of  being 
agreeable,  though  all  cannot  shine  in  company;  but  there 
are  many  men  sufficiently  qualified  for  both,  who,  by  a 
very  few  faults,  that  a  little  attention  would  soon  correct, 
are  not  so  much  as  tolerable.     Watch,  avoid  such  faults. 

8.  Habits  of  self-possession  and  self-control  acquired 
early  in  life,  are  the  best  foundation  for  the  formation 
of  gentlemanly  manners.  If  you  unite  with  this  the 
constant  intercourse  with  ladies  and  gentlemen  of  refine- 
ment and  education,  you  will  add  to  the  dignity  of  per- 
fect self  command,  the  polished  ease  of  polite  society. 

9.  Avoid  a  conceited  manner.  It  is  exceedingly  ill- 
bred  to  assume  a  manner  as  if  you  were  superior  to  those 
around  you,  and  it  is,  too,  a  proof,  not  of  superiority 
but  of  vulgarity.  And  to  avoid  this  manner,  avoid  the 
foundation  of  it,  and  cultivate  humility.  The  praises 
of  others  should  be  of  use  to  you,  in  teaching,  not  what 
you  are,  perhaps,  but  in  pointing  out  what  you  ought  to 
be. 

10.  Avoid  pride,  too ;  it  often  miscalculates,  and  more 
often  misconceives.  The  proud  man  places  himself  at  a 
distance  from  other  men;  seen  through  that  distance, 
others,  perhaps,  appear  little  to  him;  but  he  forgets  that 
this  very  distance  causes  him  also  to  appear  little  to 
others. 

11.  A  gentleman's  title  suggests  to  him  humility  and 
affability :  to  be  easy  of  access,  to  pass  by  neglects  and 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.    189 

offences,  especially  from  inferiors;  neither  to  despise  any 
for  their  bad  fortune  or  misery,  nor  to  be  afraid  to  own 
those  who  are  unjustly  oppressed;  not  to  domineer  over 
inferiors,  nor  to  be  either  disrespectful  or  cringing  to 
superiors ;  not  standing  upon  his  family  name,  or  wealth, 
but  making  these  secondary  to  his  attainments  in  civility, 
industry,  gentleness,  and  discretion. 

12.  Chesterfield  says,  "All  ceremonies  are,  in  them- 
selves, very  silly  things ;  but  yet  a  man  of  the  world 
should  know  them.  They  are  the  outworks  of  manners, 
which  would  be  too  often  broken  in  upon  if  it  were  not 
for  that  defence  which  keeps  the  enemy  at  a  proper  dis- 
tance. It  is  for  that  reason  I  always  treat  fools  and 
coxcombs  with  great  ceremony,  true  good  breeding  not 
being  a  sufficient  barrier  against  them." 

13.  When  you  meet  a  lady  at  the  foot  of  a  flight  of 
stairs,  do  not  wait  for  her  to  ascend,  but  bow,  and  go  up 
before  her. 

14.  In  meeting  a  lady  at  the  head  of  a  flight  of  stairs, 
wait  for  her  to  precede  you  in  the  descent. 

15.  Avoid  slang.  It  does  not  beautify,  but  it  sullies 
conversation.  "Just  listen,  for  a  moment,  to  our  fast 
young  man,  or  the  ape  of  a  fast  young  man,  who  thinks 
that  to  be  a  man  he  must  speak  in  the  dark  phraseology 
of  slang.  If  he  does  anything  on  his  own  responsibility, 
he  does  it  on  his  own  'hook.'  If  he  sees  anything  re- 
markably good,  he  calls  it  a  'stunner,'  the  superlative 
of  which  is  a  'regular  stunner.'  If  a  man  is  requested 
to  pay  a  tavern  bill,  he  is  asked  if  he  will  'stand  Sam.' 
If  he  meets  a  savage-looking  dog,  he  calls  him  an  '  ugly 
customer.'     If  he  meets  an  eccentric  man,  he  calls  him 


100  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

a  ^ruiiiiny  old  cove.'  A  sensible  man  is  a  'chap  that  is 
tip  to  snufF.'  Our  young  friend  never  scolds,  but  'blows 
up;'  never  pays,  but  'stumps  up;'  never  finds  it  too  dif- 
ficult to  pay,  but  is  'hard  up.'  He  has  no  hat,  but 
shelters  his  head  beneath  a  'tile.'  He  wears  no  neck- 
cloth, but  surrounds  his  throat  with  a  'choker.'  He 
lives  nowhere,  but  there  is  some  place  where  he  '  hangs 
out.'  He  never  goes  away  or  withdraws,  but  he  'bolts' 
— he  'slopes' — he  'mizzles' — he  'makes  himself  scarce' 
— he  'walks  his  chalks' — he  'makes  tracks' — he  'cuts 
stick' — or,  what  is  the  same  thing,  he  '  cuts  his  lucky !' 
The  highest  compliment  that  you  can  pay  him  is.tdbtell 
him  that  he  is  a  'regular  brick.'  He  does  not  profess  to 
be  brave,  but  he  prides  himself  on  being  'plucky.' 
Money  is  a  word  which  he  has  forgotten,  but  he  talks  a 
good  deal  about  'tin,'  and  the  'needful,'  'the  rhino,'  and 
'the  ready.'  When  a  man  speaks,  he  'spouts;'  when  he 
holds  his  peace,  he  'shuts  up;'  when  he  is  humiliated,  he 
is  'taken  down  a  peg  or  two,'  and  made  to  'sing  small.' 
Now,  besides  the  vulgarity  of  such  expressions,  there  is 
much  in  slang  that  is  objectionable  in  a  moral  point  of 
view.  For  example,  the  word  'governor,'  as  applied  to 
a  father,  is  to  be  reprehended.  Does  it  not  betray,  on 
the  part  of  young  men,  great  ignorance  of  the  paternal 
and  filial,  relationship,  or  great  contempt  for  them? 
Their  father  is  to  such  young  men  merely  a  governor, — 
merely  a  representative  of  authority.  Innocently  enough 
the  expression  is  used  by  thousands  of  young  men  who 
venerate  and  love  their  parents;  but  only  think  of  it, 
and   1  am  sure  that  you  will  'admit  that  it  is  a  cold, 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.    191 

heartless  word  wheu  thus  applied,  and  one  that  ought 
forthwith  to  be  abandoned." 

16.  There  are  few  traits  of  social  life  more  repulsive 
than  tyranny.  I  refer  not  to  the  wrongs,  real  or  imag- 
inary, that  engage  our  attention  in  ancient  and  modern 
history;  my  tyrants  are  not  those  who  have  waded 
through  blood  to  thrones,  and  grievously  oppress  their 
brother  men.  I  speak  of  the  petty  tyrants  of  the  fire- 
side and  the  social  circle,  who  trample  like  very  despots 
on  the  opinions  of  their  fellows.  You  meet  people  cf 
this  class  everywhere  ;  they  stalk  by  your  side  in  the 
streets;  they  seat  themselves  in  the  pleasant  circle  on 
the  hearth,  casting  a  gloom  on  gayety ;  and  they  start 
up  dark  and  scowling  in  the  midst  of  scenes  of  innocent 
mirth,  to  chill  and  frown  down  every  participator. 
They '"pooh!  pooh!"  at  every  opinion  advanced;  they 
make  the  lives  of  their  mothers,  sisters,  wives,  children, 
unbearable.  Beware  then  of  tyranny.  A  gentleman 
is  ever  humble,  and  the  tyrant  is  never  courteous. 

17.  Cultivate  the  virtues  of  the  soul,  strong  principle, 
incorruptible  integrity,  usefulness,  refined  intellect,  and 
fidelity  in  seeking  for  truth.  A  man  in  proportion  as 
he  has  these  virtues  will  be  honored  and  welcomed  every- 
where. 

18.  Gentility  is  neither  in  birth,  wealth,  or  fashion, 
but  in  the  mind.  A  high  sense  of  honor,  a  determina- 
tion never  to  take  a  mean  advantage  of  another,  ad- 
herence to  truth,  delicacy  and  politeness  towards  those 
with  whom  we  hold  intercourse,  are  the  essential  charac- 
teristics of  a  gentleman. 

19.  Little  attentions  to  your  mother,  your  wife,  and 


192  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Your  sister,  will  beget  much  love.  The  man  who  is  a 
rude  husband,  son,  and  brother,  cannot  be  a  gentleman ; 
he  may  ape  the  manners  of  one,  but,  wanting  the  refine- 
ment of  heart  that  would  make  him  courteous  at  home, 
his  politeness  is  but  a  thin  cloak  to  cover  a  rude,  un- 
polished mind. 

20.  At  table,  always  eat  slowly,  but  do  not  delay 
those  around  you  by  toying  with  your  food,  or  neglect- 
ing the  business  before  you  to  chat,  till  all  the  others 
are  ready  to  leave  the  table,  but  must  wait, until  you  re- 
pair your  negligence,  by  hastily  swallowing  your  food. 

21.  Are  you  a  husband?  Custom  entitles  you  to  be 
the  *'lord  and  master'^  over  your  household.  But  don't 
assume  the  master  and  sink  the  lord^.  Remember  that 
noble  generosity,  forbearance,  amiability,  and  integrity 
are  the  lordly  attributes  of  man.  As  a  husband,  there- 
fore, exhibit  the  true  nobility  of  man,  and  seek  to  govern 
your  household  by  the  display  of  high  moral  excellence. 

A  domineering  spirit — a  fault-finding  petulance — im- 
patience of  trifling  delays — and  the  exhibition  of  un- 
worthy passion  at  the  slightest  provocation  can  add  no 
laurel  to  your  own  "lordly"  brow,  impart  no  sweetness 
to  home,  and  call  forth  no  respect  from  those  by  whom 
you  may  be  surrounded.  It  is  one  thing  to  be  a  master, 
another  to  be  a  man.  The  latter  should  be  the  hus- 
band's aspiration;  for  he  who  cannot  govern  himself,  is 
ill-qualified  to  rule  others.  You  can  hardly  imagine 
how  refreshing  it  is  to  occasionally  call  up  the  recollec- 
tion of  your  courting  days.  How  tediously  the  hours 
rolled  away  prior  to  the  appointed  time  of  meeting;  how 
jBwift  they  seemed  to  fly,  when   met;  how  fond  was  the 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.    193 

first  greeting;  how  tender  the  last  embrace;  how  fervent 
were  your  vows;  how  vivid  your  dreams  of  future  hap- 
piness, when,  returning  to  your  home,  you  felt  yourself 
secure  in  the  confessed  love  of  the  object  of  your  warm 
affections  !  Is  your  dream  realized  ? — are  you  so  happy 
as  you  expected? — why  not?  Consider  whether  as  a 
husband  you  are  as  fervent  and  constant  as  you  were 
when  a  lover.  Remember  that  the  wife's  claims  to  your 
unremitting  regard — great  before  marriage,  are  now  ex- 
alted to  a  much  higher  degree.  She  has  left  the  world 
for  you — the  home  of  her  childhood,  the  fireside  of  her 
parents,  their  watchful  care  and  sweet  intercourse  have 
all  been  yielded  up  for  you.  Look  then  most  jealously 
upon  all  that  may  tend  to  attract  you  from  home,  and 
to  weaken  that  union  upon  which  your  temporal  happi- 
ness mainly  depends;  and  believe  that  in  the  solemn  re- 
lationship of  HUSBAND  is  to  be  found  one  of  the  best 
guarantees  for  man's  honor  and  happiness. 

22.  Perhaps  the  true  definition  of  a  gentleman  is  this : 
"Whoever  is  open,  loyal,  and  true;  whoever  is  of  hu- 
mane and  affable  demeanor;  whoever  is  honorable  in 
himself,  and  in  his  judgment  of  others,  and  requires  no 
law  but  his  word  to  make  him  fulfil  an  engagement;  such 
a  man  is  a  gentleman,  be  he  in  the  highest  or  lowest 
rank  of  life,  a  man  of  elegant  refinement  and  intellect, 
or  the  most  unpolished  tiller  of  the  ground." 

23.  In  the  street,  etiquette  does  not  require  a  gentle- 
man to  take  off  his  glove  to  shake  hands  with  a  Isidy, 
unless  her  hand  is  uncovered.  In  the  house,  however, 
the  rule  is  imperative,  he  must  not  offer  a  lady  a  gloved 
hand.     In  the  street,  if  his  hand  be  very  warm  or  very 

13 


194  aENTLEMEN'S    BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

cold,  or  the  glqve  cannot  be  readily  removed,  it  is  much 
better  to  offer  the  covered  hand  than  to  offend  the  lady'a 
touch,  or  delay  the  salutation  during  an  awkward  fumble 
to  remove  the  glove. 

24.  Sterne  says,  "True  courtship  consists  in  a  number 
of  quiet,  gentlemanly  attentions,  not  so  pointed  as  to 
alarm,  not  so  vague  as  to  be  misunderstood."  A  clown 
will  terrify  by  his  boldness,  a  proud  man  chill  by  his  re- 
serve, but  a  gentleman  will  win  by  the  happy  mixture 
of  the  two. 

25.  Use  no  profane  language,  utter  no  word  that  will 
cause  the  most  virtuous  to  blush.  Profanity  is  a  mark  of 
low  breeding ;  and  the  tendency  of  using  indecent  and 
profane  language  is  degrading  to  your  minds.  Its  in- 
jurious effects  may  not  be  felt  at  the  moment,  but  they 
will  continue  to  manifest  themselves  to  you  through  life. 
They  may  never  be  obliterated ;  and,  if  you  allow 
the  fault  to  become  habitual,  you  will  often  find  at  your 
tongue's  end  some  expressions  which  you  would  not  use 
for  any  money.  By  being  careful  on  this  point  you  may 
save  yourself  much  mortification  and  sorrow. 

"  Good  men  have  been  taken  sick  and  become  de- 
lirious. In  these  moments  they  have  used  the  most  vile 
and  indecent  language.  When  informed  of  it,  after  a 
restoration  to  health,  they  had  no  idea  of  the  pain  they 
had  given  to  their  friends,  and  stated  that  they  had 
learned  and  repeated  the  expressions  in  childhood,  and 
though  years  had  passed  since  they  had  spoken  a  bad 
word,  the  early  impressions  had  been  indelibly  stamped 
upon  the  mind." 

Think  of  this,  ye  who  are  tempted  to  use  improper. 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.     19£ 

language,  and  never  let  a  vile  word  disgrace  you.  An 
oath  never  falls  from  the  tongue  of  the  man  who  com- 
mands respect. 

Honesty,  frankness,  generosity,  and  virtue  are  noble 
traits.  Let  these  be  yours,  and  do  not  fear.  You  will 
then  claim  the  esteem  and  love  of  all. 

26.  Courteous  and  friendly  conduct  may,  probably  will, 
sometimes  meet  with  an  unworthy  and  ungrateful  return  ; 
but  the  absence  of  gratitude  and  similar  courtesy  on  the 
part  of  the  receiver  cannot  destroy  the  self-approbation 
which  recompenses  the  giver.  We  may  scatter  the  seeds 
of  courtesy  and  kindness  around  us  at  little  expense. 
Some  of  them  will  inevitably  fall  on  good  ground,  and 
grow  up  into  benevolence  in  the  minds  of  others,  and  all 
of  them  will  bear  the*  fruit  of  happiness  in  the  bosom 
whence  they  spring.  A  kindly  action  always  fixes  itself 
on  the  heart  of  the  truly  thoughtful  and  polite  man. 

27.  Learn  to  restrain  anger.  A  man  in  a  passion 
ceases  to  be  a  gentleman,  and  if  you  do  not  control  your 
passions,  rely  upon  it,  they  will  one  day  control  you. 
The  intoxication  of  anger,  like  that  of  the  grape,  shows 
us  to  others,  but  hides  us  from  ourselves,  and  we  injure 
our  own  cause  in  the  opinion  of  the  world  when  we  too 
passionately  and  eagerly  defend  it.  Neither  will,  all 
men  be  disposed  to  view  our  quarrels  in  the  same  light 
that  we  do;  and  a  man's  blindness  to  his  own  defects 
will  ever  increase  in .  proportion  as  he  is  angry  with 
others,  or  pleased  with  himself.  An  old  English  writer 
says : — 

"As  a  preventative  of  anger,  banish  all  tale-bearers 
and  slanderers  from  your  conversation,  for  it  is  these 


196  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

blow  the  devil's  bellows  to  rouse  up  the  flames  of  rage 
and  fury,  by  first  abusing  your  ears,  and  then  your  cre- 
dulity, and  after  that  steal  away  your  patience,  and  all 
this,  perhaps,  for  a  lie.  To  prevent  anger,  be  not  too 
inquisitive  into  the  affairs  of  others,  or  what  people  say 
of  yourself,  or  into  the  mistakes  of  your  friends,  for  this 
is  going  out  to  gather  sticks  to  kindle  a  fire  to  burn 
your  own  house." 

28.  Keep  good  company  or  none.  You  will  lose  your 
own  self-respect,  and  habits  of  courtesy  sooner  and 
more  effectually  by  intercourse  with  low  company,  than 
in  any  other  manner ;  while,  in  good  company,  these 
virtues  will  be  cultivated  and  become  habitual. 

29.  Keep  your  engagements.  Nothing  is  ruder  than 
to  make  an  engagement,  be  it  of  business  or  pleasure, 
and  break  it.  If  your  memory  is  not  sufficiently  reten- 
tive to  keep  all  the  engagements  you  make  stored  within 
it,  carry  a  little  memorandum  book  and  enter  them  there. 
Especially,  keep  any  appointment  made  with  a ,  lady, 
for,  depend  upon  it,  the  fair  sex  forgive  any  other  fault 
in  good  breeding,  sooner  .than  a  broken  engagement. 

30.  Avoid  personality;  nothing  is  more  ungentle- 
manly.  The  tone  of  good  company  is  marked  by  its 
entire  absence.  Among  well-informed  persons  there  are 
plenty  of  topics  to  discuss,  without  giving  pain  to  any 
one  present. 

31.  Make  it  a  rule  to  be  always  punctual  in  keeping 
an  appointment,  and,  when  it  is  convenient,  be  a  little 
beforehand.  Such  a  habit  ensures  that  composure  and 
ease  which  is  the  very  essence  of  gentlemanly  deport- 
ment ;  want  of  it  keeps  you  always  in  a  fever  and  bustle 


HINTS    FOR    GENTLExMANLY   DEPORTMENT.  197 

and  no  man  who  is  hurried  and  feverish  appears  so  well 
as  he  whose^ punctuality  keeps  him  cool  and  composed. 

32.  It  is  right  to  cultivate  a  laudable  ambition,  but  do 
not  exaggerate  your  capacity.  The  world  will  not  give 
you  credit  for  half  what  you  esteem  yourself.  Some  men 
think  it  so  much  gained  to  pass  for  more  than  they  are 
worth ;  but  in  most  cases  the  deception  will  be  discovered, 
sooner  or  later,  and  the  rebound  will  be  greater  than  the 
gain.  We  may,  therefore,  set  it  down  as  a  truth,  that 
it  is  a  damage  to  a  man  to  have  credit  for  greater  powers 
than  he  possesses. 

33.  Be  ready  to  apologize  when  you  have  committed 
a  fault  which  gives  offence.  Better,  far  better,  to  retain 
a  friend  by  a  frank,  courteous  apology  for  offence  given, 
than  to  make  an  enemy  by  obstinately  denying  or  per- 
sisting in  the  fault. 

34.  An  apology  made  to  yourself  must  be  accepted. 
No  matter  how  great  the  offence,  a  gentleman  ca;inot 
keep  his  anger  after  an  apology  has  been  made,  and 
thus,  amongst  truly  well-bred  men,  an  apology  is  always 
•accepted. 

35.  Unless  you  have  something  of  real  importance  to 
ask  or  communicate,  do  not  stop  a  gentleman  in  the 
street  during  business  hours.  You  may  detain  'him 
from  important  engagements,  and,  though  he  may  be  too 
well-bred  to  show  annoyance,  he  will  not  thank  you  fcr 
such  detention. 

36.  If,  when  on  your  way  to  fulfil  an  engagement,  a 
friend  stops  you  in  the  street,  you  may,  without  commit- 
ting any  breach  of  etiquette,  tell  him  of  your  appoint- 


198  GE'TTr,:::.MEN's  book  of  etiquette. 

ment,  and  release  yourself  from  a  long  talk,  but  do  so  in 
a  courteous  manner,  expressing  regret  for  the  necessity. 

37.  If,  when  meeting  two  gentlemen,  you  are  obliged 
to  detain  one  of  them,  apologize  to  the  other  for  so 
doing,  whether  he  is  an  acquaintance  or  a  stranger,  and 
do  not  keep  him  waiting  a  moment  longer  than  is  neces- 
sary. 

38.  Have  you  a  sister?  Then  love  and  cherish  her 
with  all  that  pure  and  holy  friendship  which  renders  a 
brother  so  worthy  and  noble.  Learn  to  appreciate  her 
sweet  influence  as  portrayed  in  the  following  words: 

"  He  who  has  never  known  a  sister's  kind  administra- 
tion, nor  felt  his  heart  warming  beneath  her  endearing 
smile  and  love-beaming  eye,  has  been  unfortunate  indeed. 
It  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  if  the  fountains  of  pure  feel- 
ing flow  in  his  bosom  but  sluggishly,  or  if  the  gentle 
emotions  of  his  nature  be  lost  in  the  sterner  attributes 
of  mankind. 

"'That  man  has  grown  up  among  aff'ectionate  sisters,' 
I  once  heard  a  lady  of  much  observation  and  experience 
remark. 

"'And  why  do  you  think  so?'  said  I. 

'"Because  of  the  rich  development  of  all  the  tender 
feelings  of  the  heart.' 

"  A  sister's  influence  is  felt  even  in  manhood's  riper 
years ;  and  the  heart  of  him  who  has  grown  cold  in 
chilly  contact  with  the  world  will  warm  and  thrill  with 
pure  enjoyment  as  some  accident  awakens  within  him 
the  soft  tones,  the  glad  melodies  of  his  sister's  voice; 
and  he  will  turn  from  purposes  which  a  warped  and  false 
philosophy  had  reasoned  into  expediency,  and  even  weep  ' 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.    199 

for  the  gentle  influences,  which  moved  him  in  his  earlier 
years." 

The  man  who  would  treat  a  sister  with  harshness, 
rudeness,  or  disrespect,  is  unworthy  of  the  name  of  gen- 
tleman, for  he  thus  proves  that  the  courtesies  he  extends 
to  other  ladies,  are  not  the  promptings  of  the  heart,  hut 
the  mere  external  signs  of  etiquette ;  the  husk  without 
the  sweet  fruit  within. 

39.  When  walking  with  a  friend  in  the  street,  never 
leave  him  to  speak  to  another  friend  without  apologizing 
for  so  doing. 

40.  If  walking  with  a  lady,  never  leave  her  alone  in 
the  street,  under  any  circumstances.  It  is  a  gross  viola- 
tion of  etiquette  to  do  so. 

41.  The  most  truly  gentlemanly  man  is  he  who  is  the 
most  unselfish,  so  I  would  say  in  the  words  of  the 
Rev.  J.  A.  James : 

"Live  for  some  purpose  in  the  world.  Act  your  part 
well.  Fill  up  the  measure  of  duty  to  others.  Conduct 
yourselves  so  that  you  shall  be  missed  with  sorrow  when 
you  are  gone.  Multitudes  of  our  species  are  living  in 
such  a  selfish  manner  that  they  are  not  likely  to  be  re- 
membered after  their  disappearance.  They  leave  behind 
them  scarcely  any  traces  of  their  existence,  but  are  for- 
gotten almost  as  though  they  had  never  been.  They  are 
while  they  live,  like  one  pebble  lying  unobserved  amongst 
a  million  on  the  shore ;  and  when  they  die,  they  are  like 
that  same  pebble  thrown  into  the  sea,  which  just  ruffles 
the  surface,  sinks,  and  is  forgotten,  without  being  missed 
from  the  beach.  They  are  neither  regretted  by  the  rich, 
wanted   by  the   poor,   nor   celebrated    by  the   learned. 


200  '        gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Who  has  been  the  better  for  their  life?  Who  has  been 
the  worse  for  their  death?  Whose  tears  have  they  dried 
up?  whose  wants  supplied?  whose  miseries  have  they 
healed?  Who  would  unbar  the  gate  of  life,  to  re-admit 
them  to  existence?  or  what  face  would  greet  them  back 
again  to  our  world  with  a  smile?  Wretched,  unpro- 
ductive mode  of  existence !  Selfishness  is  its  own  curse; 
it  is  a  starving  vice.  The  man  who  does  no  good,  gets 
none.  He  is  like  the  heath  in  the  desert,  neither  yield- 
ing fruit,  nor  seeing  when  good  cometh — a  stunted, 
dwarfish,  miserable  shrub." 

42.  Separate  the  syllables  of  the  word  gentleman,  and 
you  will  see  that  the  first  requisite  must  be  gentleness — 
c/entle-m^n.  Mackenzie  says,  "Few  persons  are  suffi- 
ciently aware  of  the  power  of  gentleness.  It  is  slow  in 
working,  but  it  is  infallible  in  its  results.  It  makes  no 
noise;  it  neither  invites  attention,  nor  provokes  resist- 
ance; but  it  is  God's  great  law,  in  the  moral  as  in  the 
natural  world,  for  accomplishing  great  results.  The 
progressive  dawn  of  day,  the  flow  of  the  tide,  the  lapse 
of  time,  the  changes  of  the  seasons — these  are  carried 
on  by  slow  and  imperceptible  degrees,  yet  their  progress 
and  issue  none  can  mistake  or  resist.  Equally  certain 
and  surprising  are  the  triumphs  of  gentleness.  It  as- 
sumes nothing,  yet  it  can  disarm  the  stoutest  opposition ; 
it  yields,  but  yielding  is  the  element  of  its  strength  ;  it 
endures,  but  in  the  warfare  victory  is  not  gained  by  doing, 
but  by  suffering." 

43.  Perfect  composure  of  manner  requires  perfect 
peace  of  mind,  so  you  should,  as  far  as  lies  in  human 
power,  avoid  the  evils  which  make  an  unquiet  mind,  and, 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.     201 

first  of  all,  avoid  that  cheating,  swindling  process  called 
"running  in  debt."  Owe  no  man  anything;  avoid  it  as 
you  would  avoid  war,  pestilence,  and  famine.  Hate  it 
with  a  perfect  hatred.  As  you  value  comfort,  quiet,  and 
independence,  keep  out  of  debt.  As  you  value  a  healthy 
appetite,  placid  temper,  pleasant  dreams,  and  happy 
wakings,  keep  out  of  debt.  It  is  the  hardest  of  all 
task-masters ;  the  most  cruel  of  all  oppressors.  It  is  a 
mill-stone  about  the  neck.  It  is  an  incubus  on  the 
heart.  It  furrows  the  forehead  with  premature  wrinkles. 
It  drags  the  nobleness  and  kindness  out  of  the  port  and 
bearing  of  a  man;  it  takes  the  soul  out  of  his  laugh,  and 
all  stateliness  and  freedom  from  his  walk.  Come  not, 
then,  under  its  crushing  dominion. 

44.  Speak  gently  ;  a  kind  refusal  will  often  wound 
less  than  a  rough,"  ungracious  assent. 

45.  ''In  private,  watch  your  thoughts;  in  your  family, 
watch  your  temper;  in  society,  watch  your  tongue." 

46.  The  true  secret  of  pleasing  all  the  world,  is  to 
have  an  humble  opinion  of  yourself.  True  goodness  is 
invariably  accompanied  by  gentleness,  courtesy,  and  hu- 
mility. Those  people  who  are  always  "  sticking  on  their 
dignity,"  are  continually  losing  friends,  making  enemies, 
and  fostering  a  spirit  of  unhappiness  in  themselves. 

4T.  Are  you  a  merchant  ?  Remember  that  the  count- 
ing-house is  no  less  a  school  of  manners  and  temper  than 
a  school  of  morals.  Vulgarity^  imperiousness,  peevish- 
ness, caprice  on  the  part  of  the  heads,  will  produce  their 
corresponding  effects  upon  the  household.  Some  mer- 
chants are  petty  tyrants.  Some  are  too  surly  to  be  fit 
for  any  charge,  unless  it  be  that  of  taming  a  shrew. 


202  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

The  coarseness  of  others,  in  manner  and  language,  must 
either  disgust  or  contaminate  all  their  subordinates.  In 
one  establishment  you  will  encounter  an  unmanly  levity, 
which  precludes  all  discipline.  In  another,  a  mock  dig- 
nity, which  supplies  the  juveniles  with  a  standing  theme 
of  ridicule.  In  a  third,  a  capriciousness  of  mood  and 
temper,  which  reminds  one  of  the  prophetic  hints  of  tlie 
weather  in  the  old  almanacks — "windy" — "cool" — 
"very  pleasant" — "blustering" — "look  out  for  storms" 
— and  the  like.  And,  in  a  fourth,  a  selfish  acerbity, 
which  exacts  the  most  unreasonable  services,  and  never 
cheers  a  clerk  with  a  word  of  encouragement. — These 
are  sad  infirmities.  Men  ought  not  to  have  clerks  until 
they  know  how  to  treat  them.  Their  own  comfort,  too, 
would  be  greatly  enhanced  by  a  different  deportment. 

48.  If  you  are  about  to  enter,  or  leave,  a  store  or  any 
door,  and  unexpectedly  meet  a  lady  going  the  other  way, 
stand  aside  and  raise  your  hat  whilst  she  passes.  If  she 
is  going  the  same  way,  and  the  door  is  closed,  pass  be- 
fore her,  saying,  "allow  me,"  or,  "permit  me," — open 
the  door,  and  hold  it  open  whilst  she  passes. 

49.  In  entering  a  room  where  you  will  meet  ladies, 
take  your  hat,  cane,  and  gloves  in  your  left  hand,  that 
your  right  may  be  free  to  ofier  to  them. 

50.  Never  offer  to  shake  hands  with  a  lady;  she  will, 
if  she  wishes  you  to  do  so,  offer  her  hand  to  you,  and  it 
is  an  impertinence  for  you  to  do  so  first. 

51.  If  you  are  seated  in  the  most  comfortable  chair 
in  a  public  room,  and  a  lady,  an  invalid,  or  an  old  man 
enters,  rise,  and  offer  your  seat,  even  if  they  are 
strangers  to  you.     Many  men  will  attend  to  these  civili- 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.    203 

ties  when  with  friends  or  acquaintances,  and  neglect 
them  amongst  strangers,  but  the  true  gentleman  will  not 
wait  for  an  introduction  before  performing  an  act  of 
courtesy. 

52.  .As  both  flattery  and  slander  are  in  the  highest 
degree  blameable  and  ungentlemanly,  I  would  quote  the 

,  rule  of  Bishop  Beveridge,  which  effectually  prevents  both. 
He  says,  "]Never  speak  of  a  man's  virtue  before  his 
face,  nor  of  his  faults  behind  his  back." 

53.  Never  enter  a  room,  in  which  there  are  ladies, 
after  smoking,  until  you  have  purified  both  your  mouth, 
teeth,  hair,  and  clothes.  If  you  wish  to  smoke  just  be- 
fore entering  a  saloon,  wear  an  old  coat  and  carefully 
brush  your  hair  and  teeth  before  resuming  your  own. 

54.  Never  endeavor  to  attract  the  attention  of  a 
friend  by  nudging  him,  touching  his  foot  or  hand  se- 
cretly, or  making  *  him  a  gesture.  If  you  cannot  speak 
to  him  frankly,  you  had  best  let  him  alone ;  for  these 
signals  are  generally  made  with  the  intention  of  ridicul- 
ing a  third  person,  and  that  is  the  height  of  rudeness. 

55.  Button-holding  is  a  common  but  most  blameable 
.  breach  of  good  manners.     If  a  man  requires  to  be  forci- 
bly detained  to  listen  to  you,  you  are  as  rude  in  thus  de- 
taining him,  as  if  you  had  put  a  pistol  to  his  head  and 
threatened  to  blow  his  brains  out  if  he  stirred. 

56.  It  is  a  great  piece  of  rudeness  to  make  a  remark 
in  general  company,  which  is  intelligible  to  one  person 
only.  To  call  out,  "George,  I  met  D.  L.  yesterday, 
and  he  says  he  will  attend  to  that  matter,"  is  as  bad  as 
if  you  went  to  George  and  whispered  in  his  ear. 

57.  In  your  intercourse  with  servants,  nothing  will 


204  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

mark  you  as  a  well-bred  man,  so  much  as  a  gentle, 
courteous  manner.  A  request  will  make  your  wishes  at- 
tended to  as  quickly  as  a  command,  and  thanks  for  a 
service,  oil  the  springs  of  the  servant's  labor  immensely. 
Rough,  harsh  commands  may  make  your  orders  obeyed 
well  and  promptly,  but  they  will  be  executed  unwillingly, 
in  fear,  and,  probably,  dislike,  while  courtesy  and  kind- 
ness will  win  a  willing  spirit  as  well  as  prompt  service. 

58.  Avoid  eccentric  conduct.  It  does  not,  as  many  sup- 
pose, mark  a  man  of  genius.  Most  men  of  true  genius 
are  gentlemanly- and  reserved  in  their  intercourse  with 
other  men,  and  there  are  many  fools  whose  folly  is  called 
eccentricity. 

59.  Avoid  familiarity.  Neither  treat  others  with  too 
great  cordiality  nor  suffer  them  to  take  liberties  with 
you.  To  check  the  familiarity  of  others,  you  need  not 
become  stiff,  sullen,  nor  cold,  but  you  ]yill  find  that  ex- 
cessive politeness  on  your  own  part,  sometimes  with  a 
little  formality,  will  soon  abash  the  intruder. 

60.  Lazy,  lounging  attitudes  in  the  presence  of  ladies 
are  very  rude. 

61.  It  is  only  the  most  arrant  coxcomb  who  will  boast 
of  the  favor  shown  him  by  a  lady,  speak  of  her  by  her 
first  name,  or  allow  others  to  jest  with  him  upon  his 
friendship  or  admiration  for  her.  If  he  really  admires 
her,  and  has  reason  to  hope  for  a  future  engagement  with 
her,  her  name  should  be  as  sacred  to  him  as  if  she  were 
already  his  wife ;  if,  on  the  contrary,  he  is  not  on  inti- 
mate ternfs  with  her,  then  he  adds  a  lie  to  his  excessively 
bad  breeding,  when  using  her  name  familiarly. 


HINTS   FOR   GENTLEMANLY    DEPORTMENT.  205 

62.  "He  that  can  please  nobodj  is  not  so  much  to  be 
pitied  as  he  that  nobody  can  please." 

63.  Speak  without  obscurity  or  affectation.  The  first 
is  a  mark  of  pedantry,  the  second  a  sign  of  folly.  A 
wise  man  will  speak  always  clearly  and  intelligibly. 

64.  To  betray  a  confidence  is  to  make  yourself  des- 
pic  ible.  Many  things  are  said  among  friends  which  are 
not  said  under  a  seal  of  secrecy,  but  are  understood  to 
be  confidential,  and  a  truly  honorable  man  will  never 
violate  this  tacit  confidence.  It  is  really  as  sacred  as  if 
the  most  solemn  promises  of  silence  bound  your  tongue; 
more  so,  indeed,  to  the  true  gentleman,  as  his  sense  of 
honor,  not  his  word,  binds  him. 

^65.  Chesterfield  says,  "As  learning,  honor,  and  virtue 
are  absolutely  necessary  to  gain  you  the  esteem  and  ad- 
miration of  mankind,  politeness  and  good  breeding  are 
equally  necessary  to  make  you  welcome  and  agreeable 
in  conversation  and  common  yfe.  Great  talents,  such 
as  honor,  virtue,  learning,  and  parts  are  above  the  gen- 
erality of  the  world,  who  neither  possess  them  them- 
selves nor  judge  of  them  rightly  in  others;  but  all  peo- 
ple are  judges  of  the  lesser  talents,  such  as  civility,  affa- 
bility, and  an  obliging,  agreeable  address  and  manner; 
because  they  feel  the  good  effects  of  them,  as  making 
society  easy  and  pleasing." 

6Q.  "  Gcod  sense  must,  in  many  cases,  determine  good 
breeding;  because  the  same  thing  that  would  be  civil  at 
one  time  and  to  one  person,  may  be  quite  otherwise  at 
another  time  and  to  another  person." 

67.  Nothing  can  be  more  ill-bred  than  to  taeet  a  polite 


206  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

remark  addressed  to  you,  either  with  inattention  or  a 
rude  answer. 

68.  Spirit  is  now  a  very  fashionable  word,  but  it  is 
terribly  misapplied.  In  the  present  day  to  act  with  spirit 
and  speak  with  spirit  means  to  act  rashly  and  speak  in- 
discretely.  A  gentleman  shows  his  spirit  by  firm,  but 
gentle  words  and  resolute  actions.  Tic  is  spirited  but 
neither  rash  nor  timid. 

69.  "  Use  kind  words.  They  do  not  cost  much.  It 
does  not  take  long  to  utter  them.  They  never  blister 
the  tongue  or  lips  in  their  passage  into  the  world,  or  oc- 
casion any  other  kind  of  bodily  suffering.  And  we  have 
never  heard  of  any  mental  trouble  arising  from  this 
quarter.  ♦ 

"  Though  they  do  not  cost  much,  yet  they  accomplish 
much.  They  help  one's  own  good  nature  and  good  will. 
One  cannot  be  in  a  habit  of  this  kind,  without  thereby 
picking  away  something  gf  the  granite  roughness  of  his 
own  nature.  Soft  words  will  soften  his  own  soul.  Phi- 
losophers tell  us  that  the  angry  words  a  man  uses,  in  his 
passion,  are  fuel  to  the  flame  of  his  wrath,  and  make  it 
blaze  the  more  fiercely.  Why,  then,  should  not  words 
of  the  opposite  character  produce  opposite  results,  and 
that  most  blessed  of  all  passions  of  the  soul,  kindness, 
be  augmented  by  kind  words?  People  that  are  forever 
speaking  kindly,  are  forever  disinclining  themselves  to 
ill-temper. 

"  Kind  words  make  other  people  good  natured.  Cold 
words  freeze  people,  and  hot  words  scorch  them,  and 
sarcastic  words  irritate  them,  and  bitter  words  make 
them  bitter,  and  wrathful  words  make  them  wrathful. 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.     207 

And  kind  words  also  produce  their  own  image  on  men's 
souls.  And  a  beautiful  image  it  is.  They  soothe,  and 
quiet,  and  comfort  the  hearer.  They  shame  him  out  of 
his  sour,  morose,  unkind  feelings,  and  he  has  to  become 
kind  himself. 

*'  There  is  such  a  rush  of  all  other  kind  of  words,  in 
our  days,  that  it  seems  desirable  to  give  kind  words  a 
chance  among  them.  There  are  vain  words,  and  idle 
words,  and  hasty  words,  and  spiteful  words,  and  silly 
words,  and  empty  words.  Now,  kind  words  are  better 
than  the  whole  of  them,  and  it  is  a  pity  that,  among  the 
improvements  of  the  present  age,  birds  of  this  feather 
might  not  have  more  chance  than  they  have  had  to  spread 
their  wings. 

"Kind  words  are  in  danger  of  being  driven  from  the 
field,  like  frightened  pigeons,  in  these  days  of  boisterous 
words,  and  warlike  words,  and  passionate  words.  They 
have  not  the  brass  to  stand  up,  like  so  many  grenadiers, 
and  fight  their  own  way  among  the  throng.  Besides, 
they  have  been  out  of  use  so  long,  that  they  hardly  know 
whether  they  have  any  right  to  make  their  appearance 
any  more  in  our  bustling  world;  not  knowing  but  that, 
perhaps,  the  world  was  done  with  them,  and  would  not 
like  their  company  any  more. 

"Let  us  welcome  them  back.  We  have  not  done  with 
them.  We  have  not  yet  begun  to  use  them  in  such 
abundance  as  they  ought  to  be  used.  We  cannot  spare 
them." 

70.  The  first  step  towards  pleasing  every  one  is  to 
endeavor  to  offend  no  one.  To  give  .pain  by  a  light  or 
jesting  remark  is  as  much  a  breach  of  etiquette,  as  to 


208  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

give  pain  by  a  wound  made  with  a  steel  weapon,  is  a 
breach  of  humanity. 

71.  "A  gentleman  will  never  use  his  tongue  to  rail 
and  brawl  against  any  one ;  to  speak  evil  of  others  in 
their  absence;  to  exaggerate  any  of  his  statements:  to 
speak  harshly  to  children  or  to  the  poor ;  to  swear,  lie, 
or  use  improper  language ;  to  hazard  random  and  im- 
probable statements;  to  speak  rashly  or  violently  upon 
any  subject;  to  deceive  people  by  circulating  false  reports, 
or  to  offer  up  Z/p-service  in  religion.  But  he  will  use  it 
to  convey  to  mankind  useful  information;  to  instruct  his 
family  and  others  who  need  it ;  to  warn  and  reprove  the 
wicked;  to  comfort  and  console  the  afflicted:  to  cheer 
the  timid  and  fearful;  to  defend  the  innocent  and  op- 
pressed; to  plead  for  the  widow  and  orphan;  to  con- 
gratulate the  success  of  the  virtuous,  and  to  confess, 
tearfully  and  prayerfully,  his  faults." 

72.  Chesterfield  says,  "  Civility  is  particularly  due  to 
all  women;  and,  remember,  that  no  provocation  whatso- 
ever can  justify  any  man  in  not  being  civil  to  every 
woman;  and  the  greatest  man  would  justly  be  reckoned 
a  brute  if  he  were  not  civil  to  the  meanest  woman.  It 
is  due  to  their  sex,  and  is  the  only  protection  they  have 
against  the  superior  strength  of  ours ;  nay,  even  a  little 
is  allowable  with  women:  and  a  man  may,  without 
weakness,  tell  a  women  she  is  either  handsomer  or  wiser 
than  she  is."  (Chesterfield  would  not  have  said  this  in 
the  present  age  of  strong  minded,  sensible  women.) 

73.  There  is  much  tact  and  good  breeding  to  be  dis- 
played in  the  correction  of  any  little  error  that  may 
occur  in    conversation.     To   say,   shortly, — "You   are 


HINTS   rOK    GENTLExMANLY   DEPORTMENT.  209 

wrong!  I  know  better!"  is  rude,  and  jour  friends  will 
much  more  readily  admit  an  error  if  you  say  courteously 
and  gently,  "  Pardon  me,  but  I  must  take  the  liberty  of 
correcting  you,"  or,  "You  will  allow  me,  I  am  sure,  to 
tell  you  that  your  informant  made  an  error."  If  such 
an  error  is  of  no  real  importance,  it  is  better  to  let  it 
pass  unnoticed. 

74.  Intimate  friends  and  relations  should  be  careful 
when  they  go  out  into  the  world  together,  or  admit 
others  to  their  own  circle,  that  they  do  not  make  a  bad 
use  of  the  knowledge  which  they  have  gained  of  each 
other  by  their  intimacy.  Nothing  is  more  common  than 
this ;  and,  did  it  not  mostly  proceed  from  mere  careless- 
ness, it  would  be  superlatively  ungenerous.  You  seldom 
need  wait  for  the  written  life  of  a  man  to  hear  about  his 
weaknesses,  or  what  are  supposed  to  be  such,  if  you  know 
his  intimate  friends,  or  meet  him  in  company  with  them. 

75.  In  making  your  first  visit  anywhere,  you  will  be 
less  apt  to  offend  by  being  too  ceremonious,  than  by 
being  too  familiar. 

76.  With  your  friends  remember  the  old  proverb,  that, 
"Familiarity  breeds  contempt." 

77.  If  you  meet,  in  society,  with  any  one,  be  it  a 
gentleman  or  a  lady,  whose  timidity  or  bashfulness, 
shows  them  unaccustomed  to  meeting  others,  endeavor, 
by  your  own  gentleness  and  courtesy,  to  place  them  more 

t  ease,  and  introduce  to  them  those  who  will  aid  you  in 
this  endeavor. 

78.  If,  when  Avalking  with  a  gentleman  friend,  you 
meet  a  lady  to  whom  your  friend  bows,  you,  too,  must 

14 


210  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

touch  or  raise  your  hat,  though  you  are  not  acquainted 
with  the  lady. 

79.  "  Although  it  is  now  very  much  the  custom,  in 
many  wealthy  families,  for  the  butler  to  remove  the 
dishes  from  the  table  and  carve  them  on  the  sideboard, 
thus  saving  trouble  to  the  master  or  mistress  of  the 
house,  and  time  to  the  guests,  the  practice  is  not  so  gen- 
eral even  amongst  what  are  called  the  higher  classes  of 
society  that  general  instructions  for  carving  will  be  un- 
interesting to  them,  to  say  nothing  of  the  more  numerous 
class,  who,  although  enabled  to  place  good  dishes  before 
their  friends,  are  not  wealthy  enough  to  keep  a  butler 
if  they  were  so  inclined.  Good  carving  is,  to  a  certain 
extent,  indicative  of  good  society,  for  it  proves  to  com- 
pany that  the  host  does  not  give  a  dinner  party  for  the 
first  time,  but  is  accustomed  to  receive  friends,  and  fre- 
quently to  dispense  the  cheer  of  a  hospitable  board. 
The  master  or  mistress  of  a  house,  who  does  not  know 
how  to  carve,  is  not  unfrequently  looked  upon  as  an  ig- 
norant parvenu^  as  a  person  who  cannot  take  a  hand  at 
whist,  in  good  society,  is  regarded  as  one  who  has  passed 
his  time  in  th^e  parlor  of  a  public  house,  playing  at  crib- 
bage  or  all  fours.  Independently,  however,  of  the  im- 
portance of  knowing  how  to  carve  well,  for  the  purpose 
of  regaling  one's  friends  and- acquaintances,  the  science, 
and  it  is  a  science,  is  a  valuable  acquirement  for  any 
man,  as  it  enables  him,  at  a  public  or  private  dinner,  to 
render  valuable  aid.  There  are  many  diners-out  who 
are  welcome  merely  because  they  know  how  to  carve. 
Some  men  amuse  by  their  conversation ;  others  are  fa- 
vorites because  they  can  sing  a  good  song;  but  the  man 


HINTS   FOR    GEJNTLEMANLV:    i)!:FUlLTMENT.  211 

who  makes  himself  useful  and  agreeable  to  all,  is  he  who 
carves  with  elegance  and  speed.  We  recommend  the 
novice  in  this  art,  to  keep  a  watchful  eye  upon  every  su- 
perior carver  whom  he  may  meet  at  dinner.  In  this  way 
he  will  soon  become  well  versed  in  the  art  and  mystery 
of  cutting  up." 

80.  Years  may  pass  over  our  heads  without  affording 
an  opportunity  for  acts  of  high  beneficence  or  extensive 
utility;  whereas,  not  a  day  passes,  but  in  common  trans- 
actions of  life,  and,  especially  in  the  intercourse  of  so- 
ciety, courtesy  finds  place  for  promoting  the  happiness 
of  others,  and  for  strengthening  in  ourselves  the  habits 
of  unselfish  politeness.  There  are  situations,  not  a  few, 
in  human  life,  when  an  encouraging  reception,  a  conde- 
scending behaviour,  and  a  look  of  sympathy,  bring 
greater  relief  to  the  heart  than  the  most  bountiful  gift. 

81.  Cecil  says,  "You  may  easily  make  a  sensation — 
but  a  sensation  is  a  vulgar  triumph.  To  keep  up  the 
sensation  of  an  excitement,  you  must  be  always  standing 
on  your  head  (morally  speaking),  and  the  attitude,  like 
everything  overstrained,  would  become  fatiguing  to  your- 
self and  tedious  to  others.  Whereas,  to  obtain  perma- 
nent favor,  as  an  agreeable,  well-bred  man,  requires 
simply  an  exercise  of  the  understanding." 

82.  There  is  no  vice  more  truly  ungentlemanly  than 
that  of  using  profane  language.     Lament  says  : 

"Whatever  fortune  may  be  made  by  perjury,  I  believe 
there  never  was  a  man  who  made  a  fortune  by  common 
swearing.     It  often  appears  that  men  pay  for  swearing, 
but  it  seldom  happens  that  they  are  paid  for  it.     It  is  ' 
not  easy  to  perceive  what  honor  or  credit  is  connected 


212  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

■with  it.  Does  any  man  receive  promotion  because  he  is 
a  notable  blusterer?  Or  is  any  man  advanced  to  dignity 
because  he  is  expert  at  profane  swearing  ?  Never.  Low 
must  be  the  character  which  such  impertinence  will 
exalt :  high  must  be  the  character  which  such  imperti- 
nence will  not  degrade.  Inexcusable,  therefore,  must 
be  the  practice  which  has  neither  reason  nor  passion  to 
support  it.  The  drunkard  has  his  cups;  the  satirist,  his 
revenge ;  the  ambitious  man,  his  preferments ;  the  miser, 
his  gold;  but  the  common  swearer  has  nothing;  he  is  a 
fool  at  large,  sells  his  soul  for  nought,  and  drudges  in 
the  service  of  the  devil  gratis.  Swearing  ia  void  of  all 
plea;  it  is  not  the  native  offspring  of  the  soul,  nor  inter- 
woven with  the  texture  of  the  body,  nor,  anyhow,  allied 
to  our  frame.  For,  as  Tillotson  expresses  it,  '  Though 
some  men  pour  out  oaths  as  if  they  were  natural,  yet  no 
man  was  ever  born  of  a  swearing  constitution.'  But  it 
is  a  custom,  a  low  and  a  paltry  custom,  picked  up  by  low 
and  paltry  spirits  who  have  no  sense  of  honor,  no  regard 
to  decency,  but  are  forced  to  substitute  some  rhapsody 
of  nonsense  to  supply  the  vacancy  of  good  sense 
Hence,  the  silliness  of  the  practice  can  only  be  equalled 
by  the  silliness  of  those  who  adopt  it." 

83.  Dr.  Johnso'n  says  that  to  converse  well  "there 
must,  in  the  first  place,  be  knowledge — there  must  be 
materials;  in  the  second  place,  there  must  be  a  command 
of  words;  in  the  third  place,  there  must  be  imagination 
to  place  things  in  such  views  as  they  are  not  commonly 
seen  in;  and,  in  the  fourth  place,  there  must  be  a 
presence  of  mind,  and  a  resolution  that  is  not  to  be  over- 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.     213 

come  by  failure — this  last  is  an  essential  requisite ;  for 
want  of  it,  many  people  do  not  excel  in  conversation." 

84.  "Do  not  constantly  endeavor  to  draw  the  atten- 
tion of  all  upon  yourself  when  in  company.  Leave  room 
for  your  hearers  to  imagine  something  within  you  beyond 
what  you  speak ;  and,  remember,  the  more  you  are 
praised  the  more  you  will  be  envied." 

85.  Be  very  careful  to  treat  with  attention  and  re- 
spect those  who  have  lately  met  with  misfortunes,  or 
have  suffered  from  loss  of  fortune.  Such  persons  are 
apt  to  think  themselves  slighted,  when  no  such  thing  is 
intended.  Their  minds,  being  already  sore,  feel  the 
least  rub  very  severely,  and  who  would  thus  cruelly  add 
affliction  to  the  afflicted  ?     Not  the  gentleman  certainly. 

86.  There  is  hardly  any  bodily  blemish  which  a  win- 
ning behavior  will  not  conceal  or  make  tolerable ;  and 
there  is  no  external  grace  which  ill-nature  or  affectation 
will  not  deform. 

87.  Good  humor  is  the  only  shield  to  keep  off  the 
darts  of  the  satirist ;  but  if  you  are  the  first  to  laugh  at 
a  jest  made  upon  yourself,  others  will  laugh  with  you 
instead  of  at  you. 

88.  Whenever  you  see  a  person  insult  his  inferiors, 
you  may  feel  assured  that  he  is  the  man  who  will  be 
servile  and  cringing  to  his  superiors;  and  he  who  acts 
the  bully  to  the  weak,  will  play  the  coward  when  with 
the  strong. 

89.  Maintain,  in  every  word,  a  strict  regard  for 
perfect  truth.  Do  not  think  of  one  falsity  as  harmless, 
another  as  slight,  a  third  as  unintended.  Cast  them  all 
aside.     They  may  be  light  and  accidental,  but  they  are 


214  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

an  ugly  ooot  from  the  smoke  of  the  pit  for  all  that,  and 
it  is  better  to  have  your  heart  swept  clean  of  them, 
without  stopping  to  consider  whether  they  are  large  and 
black. 

90.  The  advantage  and  necessity  of  cheerfulness  and 
intelligent  intercourse  with  the  world  is  strongly  to  be 
recommended.  A  man  who  keeps  aloof  from  society  and 
lives  only  for  himself,  does  not  fulfil  the  wise  intentions 
of  Providence,  who  designed  that  we  should  be  a  mutual 
help  and  comfort  to  each  other  in  life. 

91.  Chesterfield  says,  "Merit  and  good  breeding  will 
make  their  way  everywhere.  Knowledge  will  introduce 
man,  and  good  breeding  will  endear  him  to  the  best 
companies;  for,  politeness  and  good  breeding  are  abso- 
lutely necessary  to  adorn  any,  or  all,  other  good  qualities 
or  talents.  Without  them,  no  knowledge,  no  perfection 
whatever,  is  seen  in  its  best  light.  The  scholar,  without 
good  breeding,  is  a  pedant ;  the  philosopher,  a  cynic ; 
the  soldier,  a  brute;  and  every  man  disagreeable." 

92.  It  is  very  seldom  that  a  man  may  permit  him- 
self to  tell  stories  in  society;  they  are,  generally, 
tedious,  and,  to  many  present,  will  probably  have  all  the 
weariness  of  a  "twice-told  tale."  A  short,  brilliant  an- 
ecdote, which  is  especially  applicable  to  the  conversation 
going  on,  is  all  that  a  well-bred  man  will  ever  permit 
himself  to  inflict. 

93.  It  is  better  to  take  the  tone  of  the  society  into 
which  you  are  thrown,  than  to  endeavor  to  lead  others 
after  you.  The  way  to  become  truly  popular  is  to  be 
grave  with  the  grave,  jest  with  the  gay,  and  converse 
sensibly  with  those  who  seek  to  display  their  sense. 


HINTS   FOR   aENTLEMANLY   DEPORTMENT.  215 

94.  Watch  each  of  jour  actions,  when  in  society,  that 
all  the  habits  which  you  contract  there  may  be  useful 
and  good  ones.  Like  flakes  of  snow  that  fall  un- 
perceived  upon  the  earth,  the  seemingly  unimportant 
events  of  life  succeed  one  another.  As  the  snow  gathers 
together,  so  are  our  habits  formed.  No  single  flake  that 
is  added  to  the  pile  produces  a  sensible  change — no  single' 
action  creates,  however  it  may  exhibit,  a  man's  character; 
but,  as  the  tempest  hurls  the  avalanche  down  the  moun- 
tain, and  overwhelms  the  inhabitant  and  his  habitation, 
so  passion,  acting  upon  the  elements  of  mischief,  which 
pernicious  habits  have  brought  together  by  imperceptible 
accumulation,  may  overthrow  the  edifice  of  truth  and 
virtue. 

95.  There  is  no  greater  fault  in  good  breeding  than 
too  great  difiidence.  Shyness  cramps  every  motion, 
clogs  every  word.  The  only  way  to  overcome  the  fault 
is  to  mix  constantly  in  society,  and  the  habitual  inter- 
course with  others  will  give  you  the  graceful  ease  of 
manner  which  shyness  utterly  destroys. 

96.  If  you  are  obliged  to  leave  a  large  company  at 
an  early  hour,  take  French  leave.  Slip  away  unper- 
ceived,  if  you  can,  but,  at  any  rate,  without  any  formal 
leave-taking*. 

97.  AvoicTquarrels.  If  you  are  convinced,  even,  thnt 
you  have  the  right  side  in  an  argument,  yield  your 
opinion  gracefully,  if  this  is  the  only  way  to  avoid  a 
quarrel,  saying,  "  We  cannot  agree,  I  see,  but  this  ina- 
bility must  not  deprive  me  of  a  friend,  so  we  will  discuss 
the  subject  no  further."  Few  men  will  be  able  to  resist 
your  courtesy  and  good  nature,  but   many  would   try  to 


216  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

combat  an  obstinate  adherence  to  your  own  side  of  the 
question. 

98.  Avoid  the  filthy  habit  of  which  foreigners  in  this 
country  so  justly  complain — I  mean  spitting. 

99.  If  any  one  bows  to  you  id  the  street,  return  the 
bow.  It  may  be  an  acquaintance  whose  face  you  do 
4iot  immediately  recognize,  arid  if  it  is  a  stranger  who 
mistakes  you  for  another,  your  courteous  bow  will  relieve 
him  from  the  embarrassment  arising  from  his  mistake. 

100.  The  following  hints  on  conversation  conclude  the 
chapter : — 

"  Conversation  may  be  carried  on  successfully  by  per- 
sons who  have  no  idea  that  it  is  or  may  be  an  art,  as 
clever  things  are  sometimes  done  without  study.  But 
there  can  be  no  certainty  of  good  conversation  in  or- 
dinary circumstances,  and  amongst  ordinary  minds, 
unless  certain  rules  be  observed,  and  certain  errors  be 
avoided. 

"The  first  and  greatest  rule  unquestionably  is,  that 
all  must  be  favorably  disposed  towards  each  other,  and 
willing  to  be  pleased.  There  must  be  no  sullen  or  un- 
easy-looking person — no  one  who  evidently  thinks  he 
has  fallen  into  unsuitable  company,  and  whose  sole  aim 
it  is  to  take  care  lest  his  dignity  be  injured — no  one 
whose  feelings  are  of  so  morose  or  ascetic  a  kind  that  he 
cannot  join  without  observable  pain  and  hesitation  in  the 
playfulness  of  the  scene — no  matter-of-fact  person,  who 
takes  all  things  literally,  and  means  all  things  literally, 
and  thinks  it  as  great  a  crime  to  say  something  in  jest 
as  to  do  it  in  earnest.  One  of  any  of  these  classes 
of  persons  is  sufficient   to  mar  the  enjoyments  of  a  hun- 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.    217 

dred.  The  matter- of-factish  may  do  very  well  with  the 
matter-of-factish,  the  morose  with  the  morose,  the  stilted 
with  the  stilted;  and  they  should  accordingly  keep 
amongst  themselves  respectively.  But,  for  wlfat  is  gen- 
erally recognized  as  agreeable  conversation,  minds  ex- 
empted from  these  peculiarities  are  required. 

"  The  ordinary  rules  of  politeness  are,  of  course,  ne- 
cessary— no  rudeness,  no  offence  to  eaqh  other's  self- 
esteem  ;  on  the  contrary,  much  mutual  deference  is  re- 
quired, in  order  to  keep  all  the  elements  of  a  company 
sweet.  Sometimes,  however,  there  is  a  very  turbid  kind 
of  conversation,  where  there  is  no  want  of  common  good  ^ 
breeding.  This,  most  frequently,  arises  from  there  being 
too  great  a  disposition  to  speak,  and  too  small  a  disposi- 
tion to  listen.  Too  many  are  eager  to  get  their  ideas 
expressed,  or  to  attract  attention ;  and  the  consequence 
is,  that  nothing  is  heard  but  broken  snatches  and  frag- 
ments of  discourse,  in  which  there  is  neither  profit  nor 
entertainment.  No  man  listens  to  what  another  has  to 
say,  and  then  makes  a  relative  or  additionally  illustrative 
remark.  One  may  be  heard  for  a  minute,  oj^half  a 
minute,  but  it»is  with  manifest  impatience ;  and  the  mo- 
ment he  is  done,  or  stops  to  draw  breath,  th-e  other 
plunges  in  with  what  he  had  to  say,  being  something 
quite  of  another  strain,  and  referring  to  another  subject.  . 
He  in  his  turn  is  interrupted  by  a  third,  with  the  enun- 
cijition  of  some  favorite  ideas  of  his,  equally  irrelative ; 
and  thus  conversation  becomes  no  conversation,  but  a 
contention  for  permission  to  speak  a  few  hurried  words, 
which  nobody  cares  to  hear,  or  takes  the  trouble  to 
answer.     Meanwhile,  the  modest  and  weak  sit  silent  and 


218  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

ungratified.  The  want  of  regulation  is  here  very  mani- 
fest. It  would  be  "better  to  have  a  president  who  should 
allow  everybody  a  minute  in  succession  to  speak  without 
interruption,  than  thus  to  have  freedom,  and  so  mon- 
strously to  abuse  it.  The  only  remedy,  as  far  as  meet- 
ings by  invitation  are  concerned,  is  to  take  care  that  no 
more  eager  talkers  are  introduced  than  are  absolutely 
necessary  to  prevent  conversation  from  flagging.  One 
to  every  six  or  eight  persons  is  the  utmost  that  can  be 
safely  allowed. 

"The  danger  of  introducing  politics,  or  any  other  no- 
toriously controversial  subject,  in  mixed  companies,  is  so 
generally  acknowledged,  that  conversation  is  in  little 
danger — at  least  in  polite  circles — from  that  source. 
But  wranglements,  nevertheless,  are  apt  to  arise.  Very 
frequently  the  company  falls  together  by  the  ears  in 
consequence  of  the  starting  of  some  topic  in  which  facts 
are  concerned — with  which  facts  no  one  chances  to  be 
acquainted. 

"  Conversation  is  often  much  spoilt  through  slight  in- 
attentions or  misapprehensions  on  the  part  of  a  particu- 
lar member  of  the  company.  .  In  the  midst  of  some  in- 
teresting narrative  or  discussion,  he  suddenly  puts  all  to 
a  stop,  in  order  that  some  little  perplexity  may  be  ex- 
plained, which  he  could  never  have  fallen  into,  if  he  had 
been  paying  a  fair  degree  of  attention  to  what  was  going 
on.  Or  he  has  some  precious  prejudice  jarred  ilpon  by 
something  said,  or  supposed  to  be  said,  and  all  is  at  a 
stand,  till  he  has  been,  through  the  united  exertions  of  a 
vexed  company,  re-assured  and  put  at  his  ease.  Often 
the  most  frivolous  interruption  from  such  causes  will  dis- 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.     219 

concert  the  whole  strain  of  the  conversation,  and  spoil 
the  enjoyment  of  a  score  of  people. 

"  The  eager  speakers,  already  alluded  to,  are  a  diifer- 
ent  class  from  those  who  may  be  called  the  determinedly 
loquacious.  A  thoroughly  loquacious  man  has  no  idea 
of  anything  but  a  constant  outpouring  of  talk  from  his 
own  mouth.  If  he  stops  for  a  moment,  he  thinks  he 
is  not  doing  his  duty  to  the  company;  and,  anxious  that 
there  should  be  no  cause  of  complaint  against  him  on 
that  score,  he  rather  repeats  a  sentence,  or  gives  the 
same  idea  in  different  words,  or  hums  and  haws  a  little, 
than  allow  the  least  pause  to  take  place.  The  notion, 
that  any  other  body  can  be  desirous  of  saying  a  word, 
never  inters  his  head.  He  would  as  soon  suppose  that 
a  beggar  was  anxious  to  bestow  alms  upon  him,  as  that 
any  one  could  wish  to  speak,  as  long  as  he  himself  was 
willing  to  save  them  the  trouble.  Any  attempt  to  inter- 
rupt him  is  quite  hopeless.  The  only  effect  of  the  sound 
of  another  voice  is  to  raise  the  sound  of  his  own,  so  as 
to  drown  it.  Even  to  give  a  slight  twist  or  turn  to  the 
flow  of  his  ideas,  is  scarce  possible.  When  a  decided 
attempt  is  made  to  get  in  a  few  words,  he  only  says,  with 
an  air  of  offended  feeling,  set  off  with  a  tart  courtesy, 
'.Allow  me  sir,'  or,  'When  you  are  done,  sir;'  as  if  he 
were  a  man  whom  nobody  would  allow,  on  any  occasion, 
to  say  all  he  had  to  say.  If,  however,  he  has  been  per- 
mitted to  talk  on  and  on  incessantly  a  whole  evening, 
to  the  complete  closing  of  the  mouths  of  the  rest,  he 
goes  away  with  all  the  benevolent  glow  of  feeling  which 
arises  from  a  gratified  faculty,  remarking  to  the  gentle- 
man who  takes  his  arm,  'What  a  great  deal  of  pleasant 


220  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

conversation  we  have  had!'  and  chatters  forth  all  the 
"Way  home  such  sentences  as,  'Excellent  fellow,  our  host,' 
'charming  wife,'  'delightful  family  altogether,'  'always 
muke  everybody  so  happy.' 

"Another  class  of  spoilers  of  conversation  are  the  loud 
talkers  or  blusterers.  They  are  not  numerous,  but  one 
18  enough  to  destroy  the  comfort  of  thirty  people  for  a 
whole  evening.  The  least  opposition  to  any  of  his  ideas 
makes  the  blusterer  rise  in  his  might,  and  bellow,  and 
roar,  and  bellow  again,  till  the  whole  company  is  in 
something  like  the  condition  of  ^neas's  fleet  after  Eolus 
has  done  his  worst.  The  society  enjoyed  by  this  kind 
of  man  is  a  series  of  first  invitations. 

"While  blusterers  and  determinedly  loquacious  persons 
are  best  left  to  themselves,  and  while  endless  worryings 
on  unknown  things  are  to  be  avoided,  it  is  necessary 
both  that  one  or  two  good  conversationists  should  be  at 
every  party,  and  that  the  strain  of  the  conversation 
should  not  be  allowed  to  become  too  tame.  In  all  in- 
vited parties,  eight  of  every  ten  persons  are  disposed  to 
hold  their  peace,  or  to  confine  themselves  to  monosyl- 
labic answers  to  commonplace  inquiries.  It  is  necessary, 
therefore,  that  there  should  be  some  who  can  speak,  and 
that  fluently,  if  not  entertainingly — only  not  too  many. 
But  all  engrossing  of  conversation,  and  all  turbulence, 
and  over-eagerness,  and  egotism,  are  to  be  condemned. 
A  very  soft  and  quiet  manner  has,  at  last,  been  settled 
upon,  in  the  more  elevated  circles,  as  the  best  for  con- 
versation. Perhaps  they  carry  it  to  a  pitch  of  afi*ecta- 
tion;  but,  yet,  .when  we  observe  the  injurious  conse- 
quences of  the  opposite  style  in  less  polite  companies,  it 


HINTS  FOR  GENTLEMANLY  DEPORTMENT.    221 

is  not  easy  to  avoid  the  conclusion  that  the  great  folks 
are,  upon  the  whole,  right.  In  the  courtly  scene,  no 
one  has  his  ears  oflfended  with  loud  and  discordant  tones, 
no  one  is  condemned  to  absolute  silence.  All  display  in 
conversation  will  not  depend  on  the  accidental  and  ex- 
ternal quality  of  strength  of  voice,  as  it  must  do  where 
a  loud  and  contentious  style  of  talking  is  allowed;  the 
soft-toned  and  the  weak-lunged  will  have  as  good  a 
chance  as  their  more  robust  neighbors;  and  it  will  be 
possible  for  all  both  to  speak  and  to  hear.  There  may 
be  another  advantage  in  its  being  likely  to  produce  less 
mental  excitement  than  the  more  turbulent  kind  of  so- 
ciety. But  regulation  is,  we  are  persuaded,  the  thing 
most  of  all  wanted  in  the  conversational  meetings  of  the 
middle  classes.  People  interrupt  each  other  too  much 
— are  too  apt  to  run  away  into  their  own  favorite  themes, 
without  caring  for  the  topic  of  their  neighbors — too  fre- 
quently wrangle  about  trifles.  The  regularity  of  a  de- 
bating society  would  be  intolerable;  but  some  certain 
degree  of  method  might  certainly  be  introduced  with 
great  advantage.  There  should,  at  least,  be  a  vigorous 
enforcement  of  the  rule  against  more  than  one  speaking 
at  a  time,  even  though  none  of  those  waiting  for  their 
turn  should  listen  to  a  word  he  says.  Without  this  there 
may  be  much  talk,  and  even  some  merriment,  but  no  con- 
versation." 


222  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

PARTIES. 

Now,  there  are  many  different  kinds  of  parties. 
There  are  the  evening  party,  the  matinee,  the  reading, 
dancing,  and  singing  parties,  the  picnic,  the  boating, 
and  the  riding  parties  ;  and  the  duties  for  each  one  are 
distinct,  yet,  in  many  points,  similar.  Our  present  sub- 
ject is  : — 

THE   EVENING   PARTY. 

These  are  of  two  kinds,  large  and  small.  For  the 
first,  you  will  receive  a  formal  card,  containing  the  com- 
pliments of  your  hostess  for  a  certain  evening,  and  this 
calls  for  full  dress,  a  dress  coat,  and  white  or  very  light 
gloves.  To  the  small  party  you  will  probably  be  invited 
verbally,  or  by  a  more  familiar  style  of  note  than  the 
compliment  card.  Here  you  may  wear  gloves  if  you 
will,  but  you  need  not  do  so  unless  perfectly  agreeable  to 
yourself. 

If  you  are  to  act  as  escort  to  a  lady,  you  must  call  at 
the  hour  she  chooses  to  name,  and  the  most  elegant  way 
is  to  take  a  carriage  for  her.  If  you  wish  to  present  a 
bouquet,  you  may  do  so  with  perfect  propriety,  even  if 
you  have  but  a  slight  acquaintance  with  her. 


PARTIES.  223 

When  you  reach  the  house  of  your  hostess  for  the 
evening,  escort  your  companion  to  the  dressing-room, 
and  leave  her  at  the  door.  After  you  have  deposited 
your  own  hat  and  great-coat  in  the  gentlemen's  dressing- 
room,  return  to  the  ladies'  door  and  wait  for  your  com- 
panion. Offer  her  your  right  arm,  and  lead  her  to  the 
drawing-room,  and,  at  once,  to  the  hostess,  then  take  her 
to  a  seat,  and  remain  with  her  until  she  has  other  com- 
panions, before  you  seek  any  of  your  own  friends  in  the 
room. 

There  is  much  more  real  enjoyment  and  sociability  in 
a  well-arranged  party,  than  in  a  ball,  though  many  of 
the  points  of  etiquette  to  be  observed  in  the  latter  are 
equally  applicable  to  the  former.  There  is  more  time 
allowed  for  conversation,  and,  as  there  are  not  so  many 
people  collected,  there  is  also  more  opportunity  for 
forming  acquaintances.  At  a  soiree,  par  excellence^ 
music,  dancing,  and  conversation  are  all  admissible,  and 
if  the  hostess  has  tact  and  discretion  this  variety  is  very 
pleasing.  As  there  are  many  times  when  there  is  no 
pianist  or  music  engaged  for  dancing,  you  will  do  well, 
if  you  are  a  performer  on  the  piano-forte,  to  learn  some 
quadrilles,  and  round  dances,  that  you  may  volunteer 
your  services  as  orchestra.  Do  not,  in  this  case,  wait  to 
be  solicited  to  play,  but  offer  your  services  to  the  hostess, 
or,  if  there  is  a  lady  at  the  piano,  ask  permission  to  re- 
lieve her.  To  turn  the  leaves  for  another,  and  some- 
times call  figures,  are  also  good  natured  and  well-bred 
actions. 

There  is  one  piece  of  rudeness  very  common  at  parties, 
against  which  I  would  caution  you.     Young  people  very 


224  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

often  form  a  group,  and  indulge  in  the  most  boisterous 
merriment  and  loud  laughter,  for  jests  known  only  to 
themselves.  Do  not  join  such  a  group.  A  well-bred 
man,  while  he  is  cheerful  and  gay,  will  avoid  any  ap- 
pearance of  romping  in  society. 

If  dancing  is  to  be  the  amusement  for  the  evening, 
your  first  dance  should  be  with  the  lady  whom  you  ac- 
companied, then,  invite  your  hostess,  and,  if  there  are 
several  ladies  in  the  family  you  must  invite  each  of  them 
once,  in  the  course  of  the  evening.  If  you  go  alone, 
invite  the  ladies  of  the  house  before  dancing  with  any 
of  your  other  lady  friends. 

Never  attempt  any  dance  with  which  you  are  not  per- 
fectly familiar.  Nothing  is  more  awkward  and  annoy- 
ing than  to  have  one  dancer,  by  his  ignorance  of  the 
figures,  confuse  all  the  others  in  the  set,  and  certainly 
no  man  wants  to  show  ofi"  his  ignorance  of  the  steps  of 
a  round  dance  before  a  room  full  of  company. 

Do  not  devote  yourself  too  much  to  one  lady.  A 
party  is  meant  to  promote  sociability,  and  a  man  who 
persists  in  a  t^te-a-tete  for  the  evening,  destroys  this  in- 
tention. Besides  you  prevent  others  from  enjoying  the 
pleasure  of  intercourse  with  the  lady  you  thus  monopo- 
lize. 

Avoid  any  afi*ectation  of  great  intimacy  with  any  lady 
present;  and  even  if  you  really  enjoy  such  intimacy,  or 
she  is  a  relative,  do  not  appear  to  have  confidential  con- 
versation, or,  in  any  other  way,  affect  airs  of  secrecy  or 
great  familiarity. 

Dance  easily  and  gracefully,  keeping  perfect  time, 
but  not  taking  too  great  pains  with  your  steps.     If  your 


PARTIES.  225 

whole  attention  is  given  to  your  feet  or  carriage,  you  will 
probably  be  mistaken  for  a  dancing  master. 

When  you  conduct  your  partner  to  a  seat  after  a 
dance,  you  may  sit  or  stand  beside  her  to  converse,  un- 
less you  see  that  another  gentleman  is  waiting  to  invite 
her  to  dance, 

Do  not  take  the  vacant  seat  next  a  lady  unless  you 
are  acquainted  with  her. 

After  dancing,  do  not  offer  your  hand,  but  your  arm, 
to  conduct  your  partner  to  her  seat. 

If  music  is  called  for  and  you  are  able  to  play  or  sing, 
do  so  when  first  invited,  or,  if  you  refuse  then,  do  not" 
afterwards  comply.  If  you  refuse,  and  then  alter  your 
mind  you  will  either  be  considered  a  vain  coxcomb,  who 
likes  to  be  urged ;  or  some  will  conclude  that  you  refused 
at  first  from  mere  caprice,  for,  if  you  had  a  good  reason 
for  declining,  why  change  your  mind? 

Never  offer  to  turn  the  leaves  of  music  for  any  one 
playing,  unless  you  can  read  the  notes,  for  you  run  the 
risk  of  confusing  them,  by  turning  too  soon  or  too  late. 

If  you  sing  a  good  second,  never  sing  with  a  lady  un- 
less she  herself  invites  you.  Her  friends  may  wish  to 
hear  you  sing  together,  when  she  herself  may  not  wish 
to  sing  with  one  to  whose  voice  and  time  she  is  unaccus- 
tomed. 

Do  not  start  a  conversation  whilst  any  one  is  either 
playing  or  singing,  and  if  another  person  commences  one, 
speak  in  a  tone  that  will  not  prevent  others  from  listen- 
ing to  the  music. 

If  you  play  yourself,  do  not  wait  for  silence  in  the 
room  before  you  begin.  If  you  play  well,  those  really 
15 


226  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

fond  of  music  will  cease  to  converse,  and  listen  to  you ; 
and  those  who  do  not  care  for  it,  will  not  stop  talking 
if  you  wait  upon  the  piano  stool  until  day  dawn. 

Relatives  should  avoid  each  other  at  a  party,  as  they 
can  enjoy  one  another's  society  at  home,  and  it  is  the 
constantly  changing  intercourse,  and  complete  sociability 
that  make  a  party  pleasant. 

Private  concerts  and  amateur  theatricals  are  very  often 
the  occasions  for  evening  parties,  and  make  a  very  plea- 
sant variety  on  the  usual  dancing  and  small  talk.  An 
English  writer,  speaking  of  them,  says: 

"Private  concerts  and  amateur  theatricals  ought  to  be 
very  good  to  be  successful.  Professionals  alone  should 
be  engaged  for  the  former,  none  but  real  amateurs  for  the 
latter.  Both  ought  to  be,  but  rarely  are,  followed  by  a 
supper,  since  they  are  generally  very  fatiguing,  if  not 
positively  trying.  In  any  case,  refreshments  and  ices 
should  be  handed  between  the  songs  and  the  acts.  Pri- 
vate concerts  are  often  given  in  the  'morning,'  that  is, 
from  two  to  six  P.  M. ;  in  the  evening  their  hours  are 
from  eight  to  eleven.  The  rooms  should  be  arranged  in 
the  same  manner  as  for  a  reception,  the  guests  should  be 
seated,  and  as  music  is  the  avowed  object,  a  general 
silence  preserved  while  it  lasts.  Between  the  songs  the 
conversation  ebbs  back  again,  and  the  party  takes  the 
general  form  of  a  reception.  For  private  theatricals, 
however,  where  there  is  no  special  theatre,  and  where  the 
curtain  is  hung,  as  is  most  common,  between  the  folding- 
doors,  the  audience-room  must  be  filled  with  chairs  and 
benches  in  rows,  and,  if  possible,  the  back  rows  raised 
higher  than  the  others.     These  are  often  removed  whon 


PARTIES.  227 

the  performance  is  over,  and  the  guests  then  converse, 
or,  sometimes,  even  dance.  During  the  acting  it  is  rude 
to  talk,  except  in  a  very  low  tone,  and,  be  it  good  or 
bad,  you  would  never  think  of  hissing." 

If  you  are  alone,  and  obliged  to  retire  early  from  an 
evening  party,  do  not  take  leave  of  your  hostess,  but  slip 
away  unperceived. 

If  you  have  escorted  a  lady,  her  time  must  be  yours, 
and  she  will  tell  you  when  she  is  ready  to  go.  See 
whether  the  carriage  has  arrived  before  she  goes  to  the 
dressing-room,  and  return  to  the  parlor  to  tell  her.  If 
the  weather  was  pleasant  when  you  left  home,  and  you 
walked,  ascertain  whether  it  is  still  pleasant ;  if  not,  pro- 
cure a  carriage  for  your  companion.  When  it  is  at  the 
door,  join  her  in  the  drawing-room,  and  offer  your  arm 
to  lead  her  to  the  hostess  for  leave-taking,  making  your 
own  parting  bow  at  the  same  time,  then  take  your  com- 
panion to  the  door  of  the  ladies'  dressing-room,  get  your 
own  hat  and  wait  in  the  entry  until  she  comes  out. 

When  you  reach  your  companion's  house,  do  not  ac- 
cept her  invitation  to  enter,  but  ask  permission  to  call  in 
the  morning,  or  the  following  evening,  and  make  that 
call. 


228  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

COURTESY  AT  HOME. 

There  are  many  men  in  this  world,  who  would  be 
horror  struck  if  accused  of  the  least  breach  of  etiquette 
towards  their  friends  and  acquaintances  abroad,  and  yet, 
who  will  at  home  utterly  disregard  the  simplest  rules  of 
politeness,  if  such  rules  interfere  in  the  least. with  their 
own  selfish  gratification.  They  disregard  the  pure  and 
holy  ties  which  should  make  courtesy  at  home  a  pleasure 
as  well  as  a  duty.  They  forget  that  home  has  a  sweet 
poetry  of  its  own,  created  out  of  the  simplest  materials, 
yet,  haunting,  more  or  less,  the  secret  recesses  of  every 
human  heart ;  it  is  divided  into  a  thousand  separate 
poems,  which  should  be  full  of  individual  interest,  little 
quiet  touches  of  feeling  and  golden  recollections,  which, 
in  the  heart  of  a  truly  noble  man,  are  interwoven  with 
his  very  being.  Common  things  are,  to  him,  hallowed 
and  made  beautiful  by  the  spell  of  memory  and  associa- 
tion, owing  all  their  glory  to  the  halo  of  his  own  pure, 
fond  affection.  The  eye  of  a  stranger  rests  coldly  on 
such  revelations;  their  simple  pathos  is  hard  to  be  un- 
derstood; and  they  smile  oftentimes  at  the  quaintness 
of  those  passages  which  make  others  weep.  With  the 
beautiful  instinct  of   true  affection,  home  love  retains 


COURTESY   AT   HOME.  229 

only  the  good.  There  were  clouds  then,  even  as  now, 
darkening  the  horizon  of  daily  life,  and  breaking  tears 
or  wild  storms  above  our  heads  ;  but  he  remembers  no- 
thing save  the  sunshine,  and  fancies  somehow  that  it  has 
never  shone  so  bright  since!  How  little  it  took  to  make 
him  happy  in  those  days,  aye,  and  sad  also;  but  it  was 
a  pleasant  sadness,  for  he  wept  only  over  a  flower  or  a 
book.  But  let  us  turn  to  our  first  poem;  and  in  using 
this  term  we  allude,  of  course,  to  the  poetry  of  idea, 
rather  than  that  of*  the  measure;  beauty  of  which  is  so 
often  lost  to  us  from  a  vague  feeling  that  it  cannot  exist 
without  rhythm.  But  pause  and  listen,  first  of  all, 
gentle  reader,  to  the  living  testimony  of  a  poet  heart, 
brimful,  and  gushing  over  with  home  love: — ""There  are 
not,  in  the  unseen  world,  voices  more  gentle  and  more 
true,  that  may  be  more  implicitly  relied  on,  or  that  are 
so  certain  to  give  none  but  the  tenderest  counsel,  as  the 
voices  in  which  the  spirits  of  the  fireside  and  the  hearth 
address  themselves  to  human  kind  !" 

The  man  who  shows  his  contempt  for  these  holy  ties 
and  associations  by  pulling  off  his  mask  of  courtesy  as  soon 
as  his  foot  passes  his  own  threshold,  is  not  really  a  gentle- 
man, but  a  selfish  tyrant,  whose  true  qualities  are  not 
courtesy  and  politeness,  but  a  hypocritical  affectation  of 
them,  assumed  to  obtain  a  footing  in  society.  Avoid 
Such  men.  Even  though  you  are  one  of  the  favored 
ones  abroad  who  receive  their  gentle  courtesy,  you  may 
rest  assured  that  the  heartless  egotism  which  makes  them 
rude  and  selfish  at  home,  will  make  their  friendship  but 
a  name,  if  circumstances  ever  put  it  to  the  test.  Above 
all,  avoid  their  example. 


\ 


280  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

In  what  does  the  home  circle  consist?  '  First,  there 
are  the  parents  who  have  watched  over  your  infancy 
and  chihlhood,  and  whom  you  are  commanded  by  the 
Highest  Power  to  'Mionor."  Then  the  brothers  and  sis- 
ters, the  wife  who  has  left  her  own  home  and  all  its 
tender  ties  for  your  sake,  and  the  children  who  look  to 
you  for  example,  guidance,  and  instruction. 

Who  else  on  the  broad  earth  can  lay  the  same  claim 
to  your  gentleness  and  courtesy  that  they  can?  If  you 
are  rude  at  home,  then  is  your  politeness  abroad  a  mere 
cloak  to  conceal  a  bad,  selfish  heart. 

The  parents  who  have  anxiously  watched  over  your 
education,  have  the  first  right  to  the  fruits  of  it,  and  all 
the  gentleman  should  be  exerted  to  repay  them  for  the 
care  they  have  taken  of  you  since  your  birth.  All  the 
rules  of  politeness,  of  generosity,  of  good  nature,  pa- 
tience, and  respectful  affection  should  be  exerted  for 
your  parents.  You  owe  to  them  a  pure,  filial  love,  void 
of  personal  interest,  which  should  prompt  you  to  study 
all  their  tastes,  their  likes,  and  aversions,  in  order  to  in- 
dulge the  one  and  avoid  the  oth^;  you  owe  to  them  po- 
lite attention,  deference  to  all  their  wishes,  and  compli- 
ance with  their  requests.  Every  joy  will  be  doubled  to 
them,  if  you  show  a  frank  pleasure  in  its  course,  and  no 
comfort  can  soothe  the  grief  of  a  parent  so  much  as  the 
sympathizing  love  of  a  dutiful  son.  If  they  are  old,  de- 
pendent upon  you  for  support,  then  can  you  still  better 
prove  to  them  that  the  tender  care  they  lavished  upon 
you,  when  you  depended  upon  their  love  for  everything, 
was  not  lost,  but  was  good  seed  sown  upon  fruitful 
ground.     Nay,  if  with  the  infirmities  of  age  come  the 


COURTESY    AT   HOME.  231 

crosses  of  bad  temper,  or  exacting  selfishness,  your  duty 
still  lies  as  plainly  before  you.  It  is  but  the  promptings 
of  natural  affection  that  will  lead  you  to  love  and  cherish 
an  indulgent  parent ;  but  it  is  a  pure,  high  virtue  which 
makes  a  son  love  and  cherish  with  an  equal  affection  a 
selfish,  negligent  mother,  or  a  tyrannical,  harsh  father. 
No  failure  in  their  duty  can  excuse  you  if  you  fail  in 
yours;  and,  even  if  they  are  wicked,  you  are  not  to  be 
their  judge,  brfl,  while  you  detest  and  avoid  their  sin, 
you  must  still  love  the  sinner.  Nothing  but  the  grossest 
and  most  revolting  brutality  could  make  a  man  reproach 
his  parents  with  the  feebleness  of  age  or  illness,  or  the 
incapacity  to  exert  their  talents  for  support. 

An  eminent  writer,  in  speaking  of  a  man's  duties, 
says:  "Do  all  in  your  power  to  render  your  parents 
comfortable  and  happy ;  if  they  are  aged  and  infirm,  be 
with  them  as  often  as  you  can,  carry  them  tokens  of 
your  love,  and  show  them  that  you  feel  a  tender  interest 
in  their  happiness.  Be  all  to  your  parents,  which  you 
would  wish  your  children  to  be  to  you." 

Next,  in  the  home  circle,  come  your  brothers  and  sis- 
ters, and  here  you  will  find  the  little  courtesies,  which, 
as  a  gentleman,  should  be  habitual  to  you,  will  ensure 
the  love  a  man  should  most  highly  prize,  the  love  of  his 
brother  and  sister.  Next  to  his  filial  love,  this  is  the 
first  tie  of  his  life,  and  should  be  valued  as  it  deserves. 

If  you  are  the  eldest  of  the  family,  you  may,  by  your 
example,  influence  your  brothers  to  good  or  evil,  and  win 
or  alienate  the  aff'ections  of  your  little  sisters.  There  is 
scarcely  a  more  enthusiastic  aff'ection  in  the  world  than 
that  a  sister  feels  for  an  elder  brother.     Even  though  he 


232  Gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

may  not  repay  the  devotion  as  it  deserves,  she  will  gen- 
erally  cherish  it,  and  invest  him  with  the  most  heroic 
qualities,  while  her  tender  little  heart,  though  it  may 
quiver  with  the  pain  of  a  harsh  word  or  rude  action,  will 
still  try  to  find  an  excuse  for  "brother's"  want  of  affec- 
tion. If  you  show  an  interest  in  the  pursuits  of  the 
little  circle  at  whose  head  your  age  entitles  you  to  stand, 
you  will  soon  find  they  all  look  up  to  you,  seek  your  ad- 
vice, crave  your  sympathy,  and  follo-w^your  example. 
The  eldest  son  holds  a  most  responsible  position.  Should 
death  or  infirmity  deprive  him  of  a  father's  counsel,  he 
should  be  prepared  to  stand  forth  as  the  head  of  the 
family,  and  take  his  father's  place  towards  his  mother 
and  the  younger  children. 

Every  man  should  feel,  that  in  the  character  and  dig- 
nity of  his  sisters  his  own  honor  is  involved.  An  insult 
or  affront  offered  to  them,  becomes  one  to  him,  and  he 
is  the  person  they  will  look  to  for  protection,  and  to 
prevent  its  repetition.  By  his  own  manner  to  them  he 
can  ensure  to  them  the  respect  or  contempt  of  other 
men  whom  they  meet  when  in  his  society.  How  can  he 
expect  that  his  friends  will  treat  his  sisters  with  gentle- 
ness, respect,  and  courtesy,  if  they  see  him  constantly 
rude,  disrespectful,  and  contemptuous  towards  them  ? 
But,  if  his  own  manner  is  that  of  affectionate  respect, 
he  need  not  fear  for  them  rudeness  from  others,  while 
they  are  under  his  protection.  An  American  writer 
says: — 

*' Nothing  in  a  family  strikes  the  eye  of  a  visitor  witli 
more  delight  than  to  see  brothers  treat  their  sisters  with 
kindness,  civility,  attention,  and  love.     On  the  contrary, 


COURTESY   AT   HOME.  233 

nothing  Is  more  offensive  or  speaks  worse  for  the  honor 
of  a  family,  than  that  coarse,  rude,  unkind  manner  which 
brothers  sometimes  exhibit." 

The  same  author  says: — 

"Beware  how  you  speak  of  your  sisters.  Even  gold 
is  tarnished  by  much  handling.  If  you  speak  in  their 
praise — of  their  beauty,  learning,  manners,  wit,  or  at- 
tentions— you  will  subject  them  to  taunt  and  ridicule; 
if  you  say  anything  against  them,  you  will  bring  re- 
proach upon  yourself  and  them  too.  If  you  have  occa- 
sion to  speak  of  them,  do  it  with  modesty  and  few  words. 
Let  others  do  all  the  praising  and  yourself  enjoy  it.  If 
you  are  separated  from  them,  maintain  with  them  a  cor- 
respondence. This  will  do  yourself  good  as  well  as  them. 
Do  not  neglect  this  duty,  nor  grow  remiss  in  it.  Give 
your  friendly  advice  and  seek  theirs  in  return.  As  they 
mingle  intimately  with  their  sex,  they  can  enlighten  your 
mind  respecting  many  particulars  relating  to  female 
character,  important  for  you  to  know ;  and,  on  the  other 
hand,  you  have  the  same  opportunity  to  do  them  a 
similar  service.  However  long  or  widely  separated  from 
them,  keep  up  your  fraternal  affection  and  intercourse. 
It  is  ominous  of  evil  when  a  young  man  forgets  his 
sister. 

"  If  you  are  living  at  home  with  them,  you  may  do 
them  a  thousand  little  services,  which  will  cost  you  no- 
ting but  pleasure,  and  which  will  greatly  add  to  theirs. 
If  they  wish  to  go  out  in  the  evening- — to  a  lecture,  con- 
cert, a  visit,  or  any  other  object, — always  be  happy,  if 
possible,  to  wait  upon  them.     Consider  their  situation, 


234  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

and  think  how  you  would  wish  them  to  treat  you  if  the 
case  were  reversed." 

A  young  man  once  said  to  an  elderly  lady,  who  ex- 
pressed her  regret  at  his  having  taken  some  trouble  and 
denied  himself  a  pleasure  to  gratify  her : — 

"Madam,  I  am  far  away  from  my  mother  and  sisters 
now,  but  when  I  was  at  home,  my  greatest  pleasure  was 
to  protect  them  and  gratify  all  their  wishes ;  let  me  now 
place  you  in  their  s*ead,  and  you  will  not  have  cause 
again  to  feel  regret,  for  you  can  think  'he  must  love  to 
deny  himself  for  one  who  represents  his  mother.'  " 

The  old  lady  afterwards  spoke  of  him  as  a  perfect 
gentleman,  and  was  contradicted  by  a  younger  person 
who  quoted  some  fault  in  etiquette  committed  by  tho 
youn^  man  in  company.  "Ah,  that  may  be,"  said  her 
friend;  "but  what  I  call  a  gentleman,  is  not  the  man 
who  performs  to  the  minutest  point  all  the  little  ceremo- 
nies of  society,  but  the  one  whose  heart  prompts  him  to 
be  polite  at  home." 

If  you  have  left  the  first  home  circle,  that  comprising 
your  parents,  brothers,  and  sisters,  to  take  up  the  duties 
of  a  husband  and  father,  you  must  carry  to  your  new 
home  the  same  politeness  I  have  advised  you  to  exert  in 
the  home  of  your  childhood. 

Your  wife  claims  your  courtesy  more  now,  even,  than 
when  you  were  courting  her.  She  has  given  up,  for 
your  sake,  all  the  freedom  and  pleasures  of  her  maiden- 
hood, and  to  you  she  looks  for  a  love  that  will  replace 
them  all.  Can  you  disappoint  that  trusting  affection? 
Before  your  marriage  you  thought  no  stretch  of  courtesy 
too  great,  if  the  result  was  to  afford  her  pleasure ;   why, 


COUKTESY    AT    HOME.  235 

then,  not  strive  to  keep  her  love,  by  the  same  gentle 
courtesy  you  exerted  to  win  it  ? 

"A  delicate  attention  to  the  minute  wants  and  wishes 
of  your  wife,  will  tend,  more  than  anything  else,  to  the 
promotion  of  your  domestic  happiness.  It  requires  no 
sacrifices,  occupies  but  a  small  degree  of  attention,  yet 
is  the  fertile  source  of  bliss;  since  it  convinces  the  ob- 
ject of  your  regard,  that,  with  the  duties  of  a  husband, 
you  have  united  the  more  punctilious  behaviour  of  a 
lover.  These  trivial  tokens  of  regard  certainly  make 
much  way  in  the  affections  of  a  woman  of  sense  and  dis- 
cernment, who  looks  not  to  the  value  of  the  gifts  she  re- 
ceives, but  perceives  in  their  frequency  a  continued  evi- 
dence of  the  existence  and  ardor  of  that  love  on  which 
the  superstructure  of  her  happiness  has  been  erected. 
The  strongest  attachment  will  decline,  if  you  receive  it 
with  diminished  warmth." 

Mrs.  Thrale  gives  the  following  advice,  which  is  worth 
the  consideration  of  every  young  man : 

"After  marriage,"  she  says,  "when  your  violence  of 
passion  subsides,  and  a  more  cool  and  tranquil  affection 
takes  its  place,  be  not  hasty  to  censure  as  indifferent,  or 
to  lament  yourself  as  unhappy ;  you  have  lost  that  only 
which  it  is  impossible  to  retain;  and  it  were  graceless 
amidst  the  pleasures  of  a  prosperous  summer,  to  regret 
the  blossoms  of  a  transient  spring.  Neither  unwarily 
condemn  your  bride's  insipidity,  till  you  have  recollected 
that  no  object,  however  sublime,  n6  sound,  however 
charming,  can  continue  to  transport  us  with  delight, 
when  they  no  longer  strike  us  with  novelty.  The  skill 
to  renovate  the  powers  of  pleasing  is  said,  indeed,  to  be 


236  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

possessed  by  some  women  in  an  eminent  degree,  but  the 
artifices  of  maturity  are  seldom  seen  to  adorn  the  inno- 
cence of  youth.  You  have  made  your  choice  and  ought 
to  approve  it. 

"To  be  happy,  jve  must  q,lways  have  something  in 
view.  Turn,  therefore,  your  attention  to  her  mind, 
which  will  daily  grow  brighter  by  polishing.  Study  some 
easy  science  together,  and  acquire  a  similarity  of  tastes, 
while  you  enjoy  a  community  of  pleasures.  You  will, 
by  this  means,  have  many  pursuits  in  common,  and  be 
freed  from  the  necessity  of  separating  to  find  amuse- 
ment ;  endeavor  to  cement  the  present  union  on  every 
side:  let  your  wife  never  be  kept  ignorant  of  your  in- 
come^  your  expenses,  your  friendships^  or  your  aver- 
sions; let  her  know  your  very  faults,  but  make  them 
amiable  by  your  virtues;  consider  all  concealment  as  a 
breach  of  fidelity;  let  her  never  have  anything  to  find 
out  in  your  character,  and  remember  that  from  the  mo- 
ment one  of  the  partners  turns  spy  upon  the  other,  they 
have  commenced  a  state  of  hostility. 

"Seek  not  for  happiness  in  singularity,  and  dread  a 
refinement  of  wisdom  as  a  deviation  into  folly.  Listen 
not  to  those  sages  who  advise  you  always  to  scorn  the 
counsel  of  a  woman,  and  if  you  comply  with  her  requests 
pronounce  you  to  be  wife-ridden.  Think  not  any  priva- 
tion, except  of  positive  evil,  an  excellence;  and  do  not 
congratulate  yourself  that  your  wife  is  not  a  learned 
lady,  or  is  wholly  ignorant  how  to  make  a  pudding. 
Cooking  and  learning  are  both  good  in  their  places,  and 
may  both  be  used  with  advantage.  With  regard  to  ex- 
pense, I  can  only  observe,  that  the  money  laid  out  in  the 


COURTESY   AT   HOME.  237 

purchase  of  luxuries  is  seldom  or  ever  profitably  em- 
ployed. We  live  in  an  age"  when  splendid  furniture  and 
glittering  equipage  are  grown  too  common  to  catch  the 
notice  of  the  meanest  spectator;  and  for  the  greater 
ones,  they  can  only  regard  our  wasteful  folly  with  silent 
contempt  or  open  indignation. 

"This  may,  perhaps,  be  a  displeasing  reflection;  but 
the  following  consideration  ought  to  make  amends.  The 
age  we  live  in  pays,  I  think,  a  peculiar  attention  to  the 
higher  distinctions  of  wit,  knowledge,  and  virtue,  to 
which  we  may  more  safely,  more  cheaply,  and  more 
honorably  aspire. 

"The  person  of  your  lady  will  not  grow  more  pleasing 
to  you ;  but,  pray,  let  her  not  suspect  that  it  grows  less 
so.  There  is  no  reproof,  however  pointed,  no  punish- 
ment, however  severe,  that  a  woman  of  spirit  will  not 
prefer  to  neglect;  and  if  she  can  endure  it  without  com- 
plaint, it  only  proves  that  she  means  to  make  herself 
amends  by  the  attention  of  others  for  the  slights  of  her 
husband.  For  this,  and  for  every  other  reason,  it  be- 
hoves a  married  man  not  to  let  his  politeness  fail,  though 
his  ardour  may  abate;  but  to  retain,  at  least,  that  general" 
civility  towards  his  own  lady  which  he  is  willing  to  pay 
to  every  other,  and  not  show  a  wife  of  eighteen  or  twenty 
years  old,  that  every  man  in  company  can  treat  her  with 
more  complaisance  than  he  who  so  often  vowed  to  her 
eternal  fondness. 

"It  is  not  my  opinion  that  a  young  woman  should  be 
indulged  in  every  wild  wish  of  her  gay  heart,  or  giddy 
head;  but  contradiction  may  be  softened  by  domestic 
kindness,  and  quiet  pleasures  substituted  in  the  place  of 


238  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

noisy  ones.  Public  amusements,  indeed,  are  not  so  ex- 
pensive as  is  sometimes  imagined ;  but  they  tend  to  alienate 
the  minds  of  married  people  from  each  other.  A  well- 
chosen  society  of  friends  and  acquaintances,  more  em- 
inent for  virtue  and  good  sense  than  for  gaiety  and 
splendor,  where  the  conversation  of  the  day  may  afford 
comment  for  the  evening,  seems  the  most  rational  plea- 
sure that  can  be  afforded.  That  your  own  superiority 
should  always  be  seen,  but  never  felt,  seems  an  excellent 
general  rule. 

"If  your  wife  is  disposed  towards  jealousy  of  you, 
let  me  beseech  you  be  always  explicit  with  her,  never  mys- 
terious.    Be  above  delighting  in  her  pain  in  all  things." 

After  your  duty  to  your  wife  comes  that  towards  the 
children  whom  God  lends  to  you,  to  fit  them  to  return 
pure  and  virtuous  to  him.  This  is  your  task,  responsi- 
bility, and  trust,  to  be  undertaken  prayerfully,  earnestly, 
and  humbly,  as  the  highest  and  most  sacred  duty  this 
life  ever  can  afford  you. 

The  relationship  between  parent  and  child,  is  one  that 
appears  to  have  been  ordained  by  Providence,  to  bring 
the  better  feelings  of  mankind  and  many  domestic  virtues 
into  active  exercise.  The  implicit  confidence  with  which 
children,  when  properly  treated,  look  up  to  their  elders 
for  guidance  is  not  less  beautiful  than  endearing;  and  no 
parents  can  set  about  the  work  of  guiding  aright,  in 
real  earnest,  without  deriving  as  much  good  as  they  im- 
part. The  feeling  with  which  this  labor  of  love  would 
be  carried  forward  is,  as  the  poet  writes  of  mercy,  twice 
blessed : — 

"  It  blesses  him  that  gives  and  him  that  takes." 


COURTESY   AT   HOME.  239 

And  yet,  in  daily  life  and  experience,. how  seldom  do  we 
find  these  views  realized !  Children^  in  too  many  in- 
stances, are  looked  on  as  anything  but  a  blessing;  they 
are  treated  as  incumbrances,  or  worse;  and  the  neglect 
in  which  they  are  brought  up,  renders  it  almost  impossi- 
ble for  them,  when  they  grow  older,  to  know  anything 
properly  of  moral  or  social  duties.  This  result  we  know, 
in  numerous  cases,  is  not  willful,  does  not  arise  from  ill 
intentions  on  the  part  of  parents,  but  from  want  of  fixed 
plans  and  principles.  There  are  hundreds  of  families  in 
this  country  whose  daily  life  is  nothing  better  than  a 
daily  scramble,  where  time  and  place,  from  getting  up 
in  the  morning  to  going  to  bed  at  night,  are  regarded  as 
matters  of  chance.  In  such  homes  as  these,  where  the 
inmates  are  willing  to  do  well,  but  don't  know  how,  a 
word  in  season  is  often  welcome.  *^  Great  principles," 
we  are  told,  "are  at  the  bottom  of  all  things;  but  to 
apply  them  to  daily  life,  many  little  rules,  precautions, 
and  insights  are  needed." 

The  work  of  training  is,  in  some  degree,  lightened  by 
the  fact,  that  children  are  very  imitative ;  what  they  see 
others  do,  they  will  try  to  do  themselves,  and  if  they  see 
none  but  good  examples,  good  conduct  on  their  part  may 
naturally  be  looked  for.  Children  are  keen  observers, 
and  are  very  ready  at  drawing  conclusions  when  they 
see  a  want  of  correspondence  between  profession  and 
practice,  in  those  who  have  the  care  of  them.  At  the 
age  of  seven,  the  child's  brain  has  reached  its  full 
growth ;  it  seldom  becomes  larger  after  that  period,  and 
it  then  contains  the  germ  of  all  that  the  man  ever  ac- 
complishes.    Here  is  an   additional   reason   for  laying 


240  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

down  the  precept^ — be  yourselves  what  you  wish  the 
children  to  be.  When  correction  is  necessary,  let  it  be 
administered  in  such  a  way  as  to  make  the  child  refrain 
from  doing  wrong  from  a  desire  to  do  right,  not  for  the 
sole  reason  that  wrong  brings  punishment.  All  expe- 
rience teaches  us  that  if  a  good  thing  is  to  be  obtained, 
it  must  be  by  persevering  diligence;  and  of  all  good 
things,  the  pleasure  arising  from  a  well-trained  family  is 
one  of  the  greatest.  Parents,  or  educators,  have  no 
right  to  use  their  children  just  as  whim  or  prejudice  may 
dictate.  Children  are  smaller  links  in  the  great  social 
chain,  and  bind  together  in  lasting  ties  many  portions 
which  otherwise  would  be  completely  disjointed;  their 
joyousness  enlivens  many  a  home,  and  their  innocence 
is  a  powerful  check  and  antidote  to  much  that  is  evil. 
The  implicit  obedience  which  is  required  of  them,  will 
always  be  given  when  called  forth  by  a  spirit  of  forbear- 
ance, self-sacrifice,  and  love  : — 

"Ere  long  comes  the  reward, 
And  for  the  cares  and  toils  we  have  endured, 
Repays  us  joys  and  pleasures  manifold." 

If  you  cherish  and  honor  your  own  parents,  then  do 
you  give  your  children  the  most  forcible  teaching  for 
their  duty,  example.  And  your  duty  to  your  children 
requires  your  example  to  be  good  in  all  things.  How 
can  you  expect  counsel  to  virtue  to  have  any  effect,  if 
you  constantly  contradict  it  by  a  bad  example?  Do  not 
forget,  that  early  impressions  are  deep  and  lasting, 
and  from  their  infancy  let  them  see  you  keep  an  upright, 
noble  walk  in  life,  then  may  you  hope  to  see  then^  follow 
in  your  footsteps. 


COURTESY    AT   UOME.  241 

Justice,  as  a  sentiment,  is  inborn,  and  no  one  distin- 
guishes its  niceties  more  quickly  than  a  child.  There- 
fore in  your  rewards  and  punishments  examine  carefully 
every  part  of  their  conduct,  and  judge  calmly,  not 
hastily,  and  be  sure  you  are  just.  An  unmerited  reward 
will  make  a  child  question  your  judgment  as  much  as  an 
unmerited  punishment. 

Guard  your  temper.  Never  reprove  a  child  in  the 
heat  of  passion. 

If  your  sons  see  that  you  regard  the  rules  of  polite- 
ness in  your  home,  you  will  find  that  they  treat  their 
mother  and  sisters  with  respect  and  courtesy,  and  observe, 
even  in  play,  the  rules  of  etiquette  your  example  teaches ; 
but  if  you  are  a  domestic  tyrant,  all  your  elder  and 
stronger  children  will  strive  to  act  like  "father,"  by  ill- 
treating  or  neglecting  the  younger  and  weaker  ones. 

Make  them,  from  the  moment  they  begin  to  talk,  use 
pure  and  grammatical  language,  avoid  slang  phrases,  and, 
above  all,  profanity.  You  will  find  this  rule,  enforced 
during  childhood,  will  have  more  efi'ect  than  a  library  full 
of  books  or  the  most  unwearied  instruction  can  accom- 
plish, after  bad  habits  in  conversation  have  once  been 
formed. 

Make  them,  from  early  childhood,  observe  the  rules 
of  politeness  towards  each  other.  Let  your  sons  treat 
your  daughters  as,  when  men,  you  would  have  them  treat 
other  females,  and  let  your  daughters,  by  gentleness  and 
love,  repay  these  attentions.  You  may  feel  sure  that 
the  brothers  and  sisters,  who  are  polite  one  to  another, 
will  not  err  in  etiquette  when  abroad. 

In  the  home  circle  may  very  properly  be  included  the 
16 


242  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

tumble  portion,  whose  onerous  duties  are  too  often  re* 
paid  by  harshness  and  rudeness ;  I  mean  the  servants. 
A  true  gentleman,  while  he  never  allows  familiarity  from 
his  servants,  will  always  remember  that  they  are  human 
beings,  who  feel  kindness  or  rudeness  as  keenly  as  the 
more  favored  ones  up  stairs.     Chesterfield  says  : — 

"  There  is  a  certain  politeness  due  to  your  inferiors, 
and  whoever  is  without  it,  is  without  good  nature.  We 
do  not  need  to  compliment  our  servants,  nor  to  talk  of 
their  doing  us  the  honor,  &c.,  but  we  ought  to  treat  them 
with  benevolence  and  mildness.  We  are  all  of  the  same 
species,  and  no  distinction  whatever  is  between  us,  ex- 
cept that  which  arises  from  fortune.  For  example,  your 
footman  and  cook  would  be  your  equals  were  they  as 
rich  as  you.  Being  poor  they  are  obliged  to  serve  you. 
Therefore,  you  must  not  add  to  their  misfortunes  by  in- 
sulting or  ill-treating  themt  If  your  situation  is  prefer- 
able to  theirs,  be  thankful,  without  either  despising  them 
or  being  vain  of  your  better  fortune.  You  must,  there- 
fore, treat  all  your  inferiors  with  affability  and  good 
manners,  and  not  speak  to  them  in  a  surly  tone,  nor 
■with  harsh  expressions,  as  if  they  were  of  a  different 
species.  A  good  heart  never  reminds  people  of  their 
inferiority,  but  endeavors  to  alleviate  their  misfortunes, 
and  make  them  forget  them." 

"Example,"  says  Mrs.  Parkes,  "is  of  the  greatest  im- 
portance to  our  servants,  particularly  those  who  are 
young,  whose  habits  are  frequently  formed  by  the  first 
service  they  enter.  With  the  mild  and  good,  they  be- 
come softened  and  improved,  but  with  the  dissipated  and 
violent,   are  too   often  disorderly  and  vicious.     It   is, 


COURTESY   AT   HOME.  243 

• 

therefore,  not  among  the  least  of  the  duties  incumbent 
on  the  head  of  the  family,  to  place  in  their  view  such 
examples  as  are  worthy  their  imitation.  But  these  ex- 
amples, otherwise  praiseworthy,  should  neither  be  ren- 
dered disagreeable,  nor  have  their  force  diminished  by 
any  accompaniment  of  ill  humor.  Kather  by  the  hap- 
piness and  comfort  resulting  from  our  conduct  towards 
our  domestics,  should  they  be  made  sensible  of  the 
beauty  of  virtue.  What  we  admire,  we  often  strive  to 
imitate,  and  thus  they  may  be  led  on  to  imitate  good 
principles,  and  to  form  regular  and  virtuous  habits." 


244  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

TRUE  COURTESY. 

Politeness  is  the  art  of  pleasing.  It  is  to  the  de- 
portment what  the  finer  touches  of  the  pencil  are  to  the 
picture,  or  what  harmony  is  to  music.  In  the  form- 
ation of  character,  it  is  indispensably  requisite.  ^'We 
are  all,"  says  Locke,  "a  kind  of  chameleons,  that  take 
a  tincture  from  the  objects  which  surround  us."  True 
courtesy,  indeed,  chiefly  consists  in  accommodating  our- 
selves to  the  feelings  of  others,  without  descending  from 
our  own  dignity,  or  denuding  ourselves  of  our  own  prin- 
ciples. By  constant  intercourse  with  society,  we  acquire 
what  is  called  politeness  almost  intuitively,  as  the  shells 
of  the  sea  are  rendered  smooth  by  the  unceasing  friction 
of  the  waves;  though  there  appears  to  be  a  natural 
grace  about  the  well-bred,  which  many  feel  it  difficult  to 
attain. 

Religion  itself  teaches  us  to  honor  all  men,  and  to  do 
unto  others  as  we  would  others  do  unto  us.  This  in- 
cludes the  whole  principle  of  courtesy,  which  in  this  we 
may  remark,  assimilates  to  the  principle  of  justice.  It 
comprises,  indeed,  all  the  moral  virtues  in  one,  consisting 
not  merely  in  external  show,  but  having  its  principle  in 
the  heart.     The  politeness  which  superficial  writers  are 


TRUE   COURTESY.  245 

fond  of  describmg,  has  been  defined  as  "the  appearance 
of  all  the  virtues,  "without  possessing  one  of  them ;" 
but  by  this  is  meant  the  mere  outward  parade,  or  that 
kind  of  artificial  adornment  of  demeanor,  which  owes  its 
existence  to  an  over-refinement  of  civility.  Anything 
forced  or  formal  is  contrary  to  the  very  character  of 
courtesy,  which  does  not  consist  in  a  becoming  deport- 
ment alone,  but  is  prompted  and  guided  by  a  superior 
mind,  impelling  the  really  polite  person  to  bear  with  the 
failings  of  some,  to  overlook  the  weakness  of  others,  and 
to  endure  patiently  the  caprices  of  all.  Indeed,  one  of 
the  essential  characteristics  of  courtesy  is  good  nature, 
and  an  inclination  always  to  look  at  the  bright  side  of 
things. 

The  principal  rules  of  politeness  are,  to  subdue  the 
temper,  to  submit  to  the  weakness  of  our  fellow  men, 
and  to  render  to  all  their  due,  freely  and  courteously. 
These,  with  the  judgment  to  recommend  ourselves  to 
those  whom  we  meet  in  society,  and  the  discrimination 
to  know  when  and  to  whom  to  yield,  as  well  as  the  dis- 
cretion to  treat  all  with  the  deference  due  to  their  repu- 
tation, station,  or  merit,  comprise,  in  general,  the  char- 
acter of  a  polite  man,  over  which  the  admission  of  even 
one  blot  or  shade  will  throw  a  blemish  not  easily  re- 
moved. 

Sincerity  is  another  essential  characteristic  of  courtesy; 
for,  without  it,  the  social  system  would  have  no  perma- 
nent foundation  or  hope  of  continuance.  It  is  the  want 
of  this  which  makes  society,  what  it  is  said  to  be,  arti- 
ficial. 

Good  breeding,  in  a  great  measure,  consists  in  being 


246  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

easy,  but  not  indifferent;  good  humored,  but  not  fa- 
miliar; passive,  but  not  unconcerned.  It  includes,  also, 
a  sensibility  nice,  yet  correct;  a  tact  delicate,  yet  true. 
There  is  a  beautiful  uniformity  in  the  demeanor  of  a  po- 
lite man ;  and  it  is  impossible  not  to  be  struck  with  hia 
affable  air.  There  is  a  golden  mean  in  the  art,  which  it 
should  be  every  body's  object  to  attain,  without  descend- 
ing to  obsequiousness  on  the  one  hand,  or  to  familiarity 
on  the  other.  In  politeness,  as  in  everything  else,  there 
is  the  medium  betwixt  too  much  and  too  little,  betwixt 
constraint  and  freedom  ;  for  civilities  carried  to  extreme 
are  wearisome,  and  mere  ceremony  is  not  politeness,  but 
the  reverse. 

The  truly  pious  people  are  the  truly  courteous.  "Re- 
ligion," says  Leighton,  "is  in  this  mistaken  sometimes, 
in  that  we  think  it  imprints  a  roughness  and  austerity 
upon  the  mind  and  carriage.  It  doth,  indeed,  bar  all 
vanity  and  lightness,  and  all  compliance;"  but  it  softens 
the  manners,  tempers  the  address,  and  refines  the  heart. 

Pride  is  one  of  the  greatest  obstacles  to  true  courtesy 
that  can  be  mentioned.  He  who  assumes  too  much  on 
his  own  merit,  shows  that  he  does  not  understand  the 
simplest  principles  of  politeness.  The  feeling  of  pride 
is,  of  itself,  highly  culpable.  No  man,  whether  he  be 
a  monarch  on  the  throne,  or  the  meanest  beggar  in  his 
realm,  possesses  any  right  to  comport  himself  with  a 
haughty  or  discourteous  air  towards  his  fellow  men. 
The  poet  truly  says : 

"  What  most  ennobles  human  nature, 
Was  ne'er  the  portion  of  the  proud." 

It  is  easy  to  bestow  a  kind  word,  or  assume  a  gracious 


TRUE   COURTi!sY.  247 

smile ;  these  will  recommend  us  to  every  one ;  while  a 
haughty  demeanor,  or  an  austere  look,  may  forfeit  for- 
ever the  favor  of  those  whose  good  opinion  we  may  be 
anxious  to  secure.  The  really  courteous  man  has  a 
thorough  knowledge  of  human  nature,  and  can  make  al 
lowances  for  its  weaknesses.  He  is  always  consistent 
with  himself.  The  polite  alone  know  how  to  make  others 
polite,  as  the  good  alone  know  how  to  inspire  others  with 
a  relish  for  virtue. 

Having  mentioned  pride  as  being  opposed  to  true  po- 
liteness, I  may  class  affectation  with  it,  in  that  respect. 
Affectation  is  a  deviation  from,  at  the  same  time  that  it 
is  an  imitation  of,  nature.  It  is  the  result  of  bad  taste, 
and  of  mistaken  notions  of  one's  own  qualities.  The 
other  vices  are  limited,  and  have  each  a  particular  ob- 
ject; but  affectation  pervades  the  whole  conduct,  and 
detracts  from  the  merit  of  whatever' virtues  and  good 
dispositions  a  man  may  possess.  Beauty  itself  loses  its 
attraction,  when  disfigured  by  affectation.  Even  to  copy 
from  the  best  patterns  is  improper,  because  the  imitation 
can  never  be  so  good  as  the  original.  Counterfeit  coin 
is  not  so  valuable  as  the  real,  and  when  discovered,  it 
cannot  pass  current.  Affectation  is  a  sure  sign  that 
there  is  something  to  conceal,  rather  than  anything  to 
be  proud  of,  in  the  character  and  disposition  of  the  per- 
sons practicing  it. 

In  religion,  affectation,  or,  as  it  is  fitly  called,  hypo- 
crisy, is  reprehensible  in  the  highest  degree.  However 
grave  be  their  deportment,  of  all  affected  persons,  those 
who,  without  any  real  foundation,  make  too  great  pre- 
tensions to  piety,  are  certainly  the  most  culpable.   •  The 


248  gentlemen'^  book  of  etiquette. 

mask  serves  to  conceal  innumerable  faults,  and,  as.  has 
been  well  remarked,  a  false  devotion  too  often  usurps*  the 
place  of  the  true.  We  can  less  secure  ourselves  against 
pretenders  in  matters  of  religion,  than  we  can  against 
any  other  species  of  impostors;  because  the  mind'  being 
biased  in  favor  of  the  subject,  consults  not  reason  as  to 
the  individual.  The  conduct  of  people,  which  cannot 
fail  to  be  considered  an  evidence  of  their  principles, 
ought  at  all  times  to  be  coirformable  to  their  pretensions. 
When  God  alone  is  all  we  are  concerned  for,  we  are  not 
solicitous  about  mere  human  approbation. 

Hazlitt  says  : — "  Eew  subjects  are  more  nearly  allied 
than  these  two — vulgarity  and  affectation.  It  may  be 
said  of  them  truly  that  'thin  partitions  do  their  bounds 
divide.'  There  cannot  be  a  surer  proof  of  a  low  origin 
or  of  an  innate  meanness  of  disposition,  than  to  be  al- 
ways talking  and  thinking  of  being  genteel.  One  must 
feel  a  strong  tendency  to  that  which  one  is  always  trying 
to  avoid;  whenever  we  pretend,  on  all  occasions,  a 
mighty  contempt  for  anything,  it  is  a  pretty  clear  sign 
that  we  feel  ourselvf^s  very  nearly  on  a  level  with  it. 
Of  the  two  classes  of  people,  I  hardly  know  which  is  to 
be  regarded  with  most  distaste,  the  vulgar  aping  the 
genteel,  or  the  genteel  constantly  sneering  at  and  en- 
deavoring to  distinguish  themselves  from  the  vulgar. 
These  two  sets  of  persons  are  always  thinking  of  one 
another;  the  lower  of  the  higher  with  envy,  the  more 
fortunate  of  their  less  happy  neighbors  with  contempt. 
They  are  habitually  placed  .in  opposition  to  each  other; 
jostle  in  their  pretensions  at  every  turn;  and  the  same 
objects  and  train  of  thought  (only  reversed  by  the  rela- 


TRUE   COURTESY.  249 

tive  situations  of  either  party)  occupy  their  whole  time 
and  attention.  The  one  are  straining  every  nerve,  and 
outraging  common  sense,  to  be  thought  genteel;  the 
others  have  no  other  object  or  idea  in  their  heads  than 
not  to  be  thought  vulgar.  This  is  but  poor  spite ;  a 
very  pitiful  style  of  ambition.  To  be  merely  not  that 
which  one  heartily  despises,  is  a  very  humble  claim  to 
superiority;  to  despise  what  one  really  is,  is  still  worse. 
"  Gentility  is  only  a  more  "select  and  artificial  kind  of 
vulgarity.  It  cannot  exist  but  by  a  sort  of  borrowed 
distinction.  It  plumes  itself  up  and  revels  in  the  homely 
pretensions  of  the  mass  of  mankind.  It  judges  of  the 
worth  of  everything  by  name,  fashion,  opinion;  and 
hence,  from  the  conscious  absence  of  real  qualities  or 
sincere  satisfaction  in  itself,  it  builds  its  supercilious  and 
fantastic  conceit  on  the  wretchedness  and  wants  of 
others.  Violent  antipathies  are  always  suspicious,  and 
betray  a  secret  affinity.  The  difference  between  the 
'  Great  Vulgar  and  the  Small'  is  mostly  in  outward  cir- 
cumstances. The  coxcomb  criticises  the  dress  of  the 
clown,  as  the  pedant  cavils  at  the  bad  grammar  o£  the 
illiterate.  Those  who  have  the  fewest  resources  in 
themselves,  naturally  seek  the  food  of  their  self-love 
elsewhere.  The  most  ignorant  people  find  most  to  laugh 
at  in  strangers ;  scandal  and  satire  prevail  most  in  coun- 
try-places ;  and  a  propensity  to  ridicule  every  the  slight- 
est or  most  palpable  deviation  from  what  we  happen  to 
approve,  ceases  with  the  progress  of  common  sense. 
True  worth  does  not  exult  in  the  faults  and  deficiencies 
of  others;  as  true  refinement  turns  away  from  grossnesa 
and  deformity  instead  of  being  tempted  to  indulge  in  an 


250  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

unmanly  triumph  over  it.  Raphael  would  not  faint 
away  at  the  daubing  of  a  sign  painter,  nor  Homer  hold* 
his  head  the  higher  for  being  in  the  company  of  the 
poorest  scribbler  that  ever  attempted  poetry.  Real 
power,  real  excellence,  does  not  seek  for  a  foil  in  inferi- 
ority, nor  fear  contamination  from  coming  in  contact 
with  that  which  is  coarse  and  homely.  It  reposes  on  it- 
self, and  is  equally  free  from  spleen  and  affectation. 
Rut  the  spirit  of  both  these  small  vices  is  in  gentility  as 
the  word  stands  in  vulgar  minds :  of  affected  delight  in 
its  own  would-be  qualifications,  and  of  ineffable  disdain 
poured  out  upon  the  involuntary  blunders  or  accidental 
disadvantages  of  those  whom  it  chooses  to  treat  as  in- 
feriors. 

"The  essence  of  vulgarity,  I  imagine,  consists  in 
taking  manners,  actions,  words,  opinions  on  trust  from 
others,  without  examining  one's  own  feelings  or  weighing 
the  merits  of  the  case.  It  is  coarseness  or  shallowness 
of  taste  arising  from  want  of  individual  refinement,  to- 
gether with  the  confidence  and  presumption  inspired  by 
example  and  numbers.  It  may  be  defined  to  be  a  pros- 
titution of  the  mind  or  body  to  ape  the  more  or  less  ob- 
vious defects  of  others,  because  by  so  doing  we  shall  se- 
cure the  suffrages  of  those  we  associate  with.  To  affect 
a  gesture,  an  opinion,  a  phrase,  because  it  is  the  rage 
with  a  large  number  of  persons,  or  to  hold  it  in  abhor- 
rence because  another  set  of  persons  very  little,  if  at  all, 
better  informed,  cry  it  down  to  distinguish  themselves 
from  the  former,  is  in  either  case  equal  vulgarity  and 
absurdity.  A  thing  is  not  vulgar  merely  because  it  is 
common.     'Tis  common  to  breathe,  to  see,  to  feel,  to 


TRUE   COURTESY.  251 

live.  Nothing  is  vulgar  that  is  natural,  spontaneous, 
unavoidable.  .  Grossness  is  not  vulgarity,  ignorance  is 
not  vulgarity,  awkwardness  is  not  vulgarity;  but  all 
these  become  vulgar  wh^n  they  are  affected,  and  shown 
off  on  the  authority  of  others,  or  to  fall  in  with  the 
fashion  or  the  company  we  keep.  Caliban  is  coarse 
enough,  but  surely  he  is  not  vulgar.  We  might  as  well 
spurn  the  clod  under  our  feet,  and  call  it  vulgar. 

"All  slang  phrases  are  vulgar ;  but  there  is  nothing 
vulgar  in  the  common  English  idiom.  Simplicity  is  not 
vulgarity;  but  the  looking  to  affectation  of  any  sort  for 
distinction  is." 

To  sum  up,  it  may  be  said,  that  if  you  wish  to  possess 
the  good  opinion  of  your  fellow  men,  the  way  to  secure 
it  is,  to  be  actually  what  you  pretend  to  be,  or  rather  to 
appear  always  precisely  what  you  are.  Never  depart 
from  the  native  dignity  of  your  character,  which  you  can 
only  maintain  irreproachable  by  being  careful  not  to  im- 
itate the  vices,  or  adopt  the  follies  of  others.  The  best 
way  in  all  cases  you  will  find  to  be,  to  adhere  to  truth, 
and  to  abide  by  the  talents  and  appliances  which  have 
been  bestowed  upon  you  by  Providence. 


252  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

LETTER  WRITING. 

There  is  no  brancli  of  a  man's  education,  no  portion 
of  his  intercourse  with  other  men,  and  no  quality  which 
will  stand  him  in  good  stead  more  frequently  than  the 
capability  of  writing  a  good  letter  upon  any  and  every 
subject.  In  business,  in  his  intercourse  with  society,  in, 
I  may  say,  almost  every  circumstance,  of  his  life,  he  will 
find  his  pen  called  into  requisition.  Yet,  although  so 
important,  so  almost  indispensable  an  accomplishment, 
it  is  one  which  is  but  little  cultivated,  and  a  letter,  per- 
fect in  every  part,  is  a  great  rarity. 

In  the  composition  of  a  good  letter  there  are  many 
points  to  be  considered,  and  we  take  first  the  simplest 
and  lowest,  namely,  the  spelling. 

Many, spell  badly  from  ignorance,  but  more  from  care- 
lessness. The  latter,  writing  rapidly,  make,  very  often, 
mistakes  that  would  disgrace  a  schoolboy.  If  you  are 
in  doubt  about  a  word,  do  not  from  a  feeling  of  false 
shame  let  the  spelling  stand  in  its  doubtful  position 
hoping  that,  if  wrong,  it  will  pass  unnoticed,  but  get  a 
dictionary,  and  see  what  is  the  correct  orthography. 
Besides  the  actual  misplacing  of  letters  in  a  word  there 
is  another  fault   of  careless,  rapid  writing,  frequently 


LETTER   WRITING.  253 

seen.  This  is  to  write  two  words  in  one,  running  them 
together.  I  have  more  than  once  seen  with  him  written 
withiniy  and  for  her  stand  thus,  forer.  Strange,  too,  as 
it  may  seem,  it  is  more  frequently  the  ^hort,  common 
words  that  are  misspelled  than  long  ones.  They  flow 
from  the  pen  mechanically,  while  over  an  unaccustomed 
word  the  writer  unconsciously  stops  to  consider  the  or- 
thography.    Chesterfield,  in  his  advice  to  his  son,  says: 

"I  come  now  to  another  part  of  your  letter,  which  is 
the  orthography,  if  I  may  call  bad  spelling  orthography. 
You  spell  induce,  enduce ;  and  grandeur,  you  spell 
grandure;  two  faults  of  which  few  of  my  housemaids 
would  have  been  guilty.  I  must  tell  you  that  orthogra- 
phy, in  the  true  sense  of  the  word,  is  so  absolutely  neces- 
sary for  a  man  of  letters,  or  a  gentleman,  that  one  false 
spelling  may  fix  ridicule  upon  him  for  the  rest  of  his 
life ;  and  1  know  a  man  of  quality,  who  never  recovered 
the  ridicule  of  having  spelled  wholesome  without  the  w. 

"Reading  with  care  will  secure  everybody  from  false 
spelling;  for  books  are  always  well  spelled,  according  to 
the  orthography  of  the  times.  Some  words  are  indeed 
doubtful,  being  spelled  differently  by  different  authors 
of  equal  authority;  but  those  are  few;  and  in  those 
cases  every  man  has  his  option,  because  he  may  plead 
his  authority  either  way;  but  where  there  is  but  one 
right  way,  as  in  the  two  words  above  mentioned,  it  is  un- 
pardonable and  ridiculous  for  a  gentleman  to  miss  it; 
even  a  woman  of  tolerable  education  would  despise  and 
laugh  at  a  lover,  who  sent  her  an  ill-spelled  billet-doux. 
I  fear,  and  suspect,  that  you  have  taken  it  into  your 
head,  in  most  cases,  that  the  matter  is  all,  and  the  man- 


254  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

ner  little  or  nothing.  If  you  have,  undeceivp  yourself, 
and  be  convinced  that,  in  everything,  the  manner  is  full 
as  important  as  the  matter.  If  you  speak  the  sense  of 
an  angel  in  bad  words,  and  with  a  disagreeable  utterance, 
nobody  will  hear  you  twice,  who  can  help  it.  If  you 
write  epistles  as  well  as  Cicero,  but  in  a  very  bad  hand, 
and  very  ill-spelled,  whoever  receives,  will  laugh  at 
them." 

After  orthography,  you  should  make  it  a  point  to 
write  a  good  hand;  clear,  legible,  and  at  the  same  time 
easy,  graceful,  and  rapid.  This  is  not  so  difficult  as 
some  persons  imagine,  but,  like  other  accomplishments, 
it  requires  practice  lo  make  it  perfect.  You  must  write 
every  word  so  clearly  that  it  cannot  be  mistaken  by  the 
reader,  and  it  is  quite  an  important  requisite  to  leave 
sufficient  space  between  the  words  to  render  each  one 
separate  and  distinct.  If  your  writing  is  crowded,  it 
will  be  difficult  to  read,  even  though  each  letter  is  per- 
fectly well  formed.  An  English  author,  in  a  letter  of 
advice,  says: — 

"I  have  often  told  you  that  every  man  who  has  the 
use  of  his  eyes  and  his  hand  can  write  whatever  hand  he 
pleases.  I  do  not  desire  that  you  should  write  the  stiff, 
labored  characters  of  a  writing  master;  a  man  of  busi- 
ness must  write  quick  and  well,  and  that  depends  simply 
upon  use.  I  would,  therefore,  advise  you  to  get  some 
very  good  writing  master,  and  apply  to  it  for  a  month 
only,  which  will  be  sufficient;  for,  upon  my  word, 
the  writing  of  a  genteel,  plain  hand  of  business  is  of 
much  more  importance  than  you  think.  You  say,  it 
may  be,  that  when  you  write  so  very  ill,  it  is  because 


LETTER    WRITING.  255 

you  are  in  a  hurry;  to  which,  I  answer,  Why  are  you 
ever  in  a  hurry  ?  A  man  of  sense  may  be  in  haste,  but 
can  never  be  in  a  hurry,  because  he  knows,  that  what- 
ever he  does  in  a  hurry,  he  must  necessarily  do  very  ill. 
He  may  be  in  haste  to  dispatch  an  affair,  but  he  will  take 
care  not  to  let  that  haste  hinder  his  doing  it  well.  Little 
minds  are  in  a  hurry,  when  the  object  proves  (as  it  com- 
monly does)  too  big  for  them ;  they  run,  they  puzzle,  con- 
found, and  perplex  themselves ;  they  want  to  do  every- 
thing at  once,  and  never  do  it  at  all.  But  a  man  of 
sense  takes  the  time  necessary  for  doing  the  thing  he  is 
about,  well;  and  his  haste  to  dispatch  a  business,  only 
appears  by  the  continuity  of  his  application  to  it ;  he 
pursues  it  with  a  cool  steadiness,  and  finishes  it  before  he 
begins  any  other.     *     * 

"  The  few  seconds  that  are  saved  in  the  course  of  the 
day  by  writing  ill  instead  of  well,  do  not  amount  to  an 
object  of  time  by  any  means  equivalent  to  the  disgrace 
or  ridicule  of  a  badly  written  scrawl." 

By  making  a  good,  clear  hand  habitual  to  you,  the 
caution  given  above,  with  regard  to  hurry,  will  be  en- 
tirely useless,  for  you  will  find  that  even  the  most  rapid 
pennmanship  will  not  interfere  with  the  beauty  of  your, 
hand-writing,  and  the  most  absorbing  interest  in  the  sub- 
ject of  your  epistle  can  be  indulged;  whereas,  if  you 
write  well  only  when  you  are  giving  your  entire  atten- 
tion to  guiding  your  pen,  then,  haste  in  writing  or  in- 
terest in  your  subject  will  spoil  the  beauty  of  your  sheet. 

Be  very  careful  that  the  wording  of  your  letters  is  in 
strict  accordance  with  the  rules  of  grammar.  Nothing 
stamps  the  difi'erence  between  a  well  educated  man  and  an 


256  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

ignorant  one  jjiore  decidedly  than  the  purely  grammatical 
language  of  the  one  compared  with  the  labored  sentences, 
misplaced  verbs,  nouns,  adjectives,  and  adverbs  of  the 
other.  Chesterfield  caricatures  this  fault  in  the  following 
letter,  written  as  a  warning  to  his  son,  to  guard  him 
against  its  glaring  faults  : 

"My  LoRi^:  I  had,  last  night,  the  honor  of  your  Lord- 
ship's letter  of  the  24th ;  and  will  set  about  doing  the 
orders  contained  therein;  and  if  so  he  that  I  can  get 
that  afifair  done  by  the  next  post,  I  will  not  fail  for  to 
give  your  Lordship  an  account  of  it,  by  next  post.  I 
have  told  the  French  Minister,  as  how  that  if  that  aifair 
be  not  soon  concluded,  your  Lordship  would  think  it  all 
long  of  him;  and  that  he  must  have  neglected  for  to 
have  wrote  to  his  court  about  it.  I  must  beg  leave  to 
put  your  Lordship  in  mind,  as  how,  that  I  am  now  full 
three  quarters  in  arrear ;  and  if  so  he  that  I  do  not  very 
soon  receive  at  least  one  half  year,  I  shall  cut  a  very  had 
figure ;  for  this  here  place  is  very  dear.  I  shall  be 
vastly  heholden  to  your  Lordship  for  that  there  mark  of 
your  favor;  and  so  I  rest  or  remain,  Your,  &c." 

This  is,  I  admit,  a  broad  burlesque  of  a  letter  written 
by  a  man  holding  any  important  government  oiEce,  but  in 
the  more  private  correspondence  of  a  man's  life  letters' 
quite  as  absurd  and  ungrammatical  are  written  every 
day. 

Punctuation  is  another  very  important  point  in  a 
letter,  because  it  not  only  is  a  mark  of  elegance  and  edu- 
cation to  properly  punctuate  a  letter,  but  the  omission 
of  this  point  will  inevitably  confuse  your  correspondent, 
for  if  you  write  to  your  friend : 


LETTER  WRITING.  257 

"I  met  last  evening  Mr  James  the  artist  his  son  a 
lawyer'jMr  Gay  a  friend  of  my  mother's' Mr  Clarke, and 
Mr  Paul:" 

he  will  not  know  whether  Mr.  Gay  is  a  lawyer  or  your 
mother's  friend,  or  whether  it  is  Mr.  James  or  his  son 
who  is  an  artist;  whereas,  by  the  proper  placing  of  a 
few  punctuation  marks  you  make  the  sentence  clear  and 
intelligible,  thus: 

"I  met,  last  evening,  Mr.  James,  the  artist;  his  son, 
a  lawyer;  Mr.  Gay,  a  friend  of  my  mother's;  Mr. 
Clarke  and  Mr.  Paul." 

Without  proper  regard  being  paid  to  punctuation,  the 
very  essence  of  good  composition  is  lost;  it  is  of  the  ut- 
most importance,  as  clearness,  strength,  and  accuracy 
depend  upon  it,  in  as  great  a  measure  as  the  power  o^  an 
army  depends  upon  the  skill  displayed  in  marshalling 
and  arranging  the  troops.  The  separation  of  one  por- 
tion of  a  composition  from  another;  the  proper  classifi- 
cation and  division  of  the  subjects;  the  precise  meaning 
of  every  word  and  sentence ;  the  relation  each  part  bears 
to  previous  or  following  parts;  the  connection  of  one 
portion  and  separation  of  others — all  depend  upon  punc- 
tuation. Many  persons  seem  to  consider  it  sufficient  to 
put  in  a  period  at  the  end  of  a  long  sentence,  leaving  all 
the  little  niceties  which  a  comma,  semicolon,  or  colon 
would  render  clear,  in  a  state  of  the  most  lamentable 
bscurity.  Others  use  all  the  points,  but  misplace  them 
in  a  most  ludicrous  manner.  A  sentence  may  be  made 
by  the  omission  or  addition  of  a  comma  to  express  a 
meaning  exactly  opposite  to  the  one  it  expressed  before 
the  little  mark  was  written  or  erased.  The  best  mod© 
17 


258  aENTLEMEN'S   BOOK   OF    ETIQUETTE. 

of  studying  punctuation  is  to  read  over  what  you  write, 
aloud,  and  put  in  the  points  as  you  would  dwell  a  longer 
or  shorter  time  on  the  words,  were  you  speaking. 

We  now  come  to  the  use  of  capital  letters,  a  subject 
next,  in  importance  to  punctuation,  and  one  too  often 
neglected,  even  by  writers  otherwise  careful. 

The  first  word  of  every  piece  of  writing,  whether  it 
be  a  book,  a  poem,  a  story,  a  letter,  a  bill,  a  note,  or 
only  a  line  of  directions,  must  begin  with  a  capital 
letter. 

Quotations,  even  though  they  are  not  immediately 
preceded  by  a  period,  must  invariably  begin  with  a 
capital  letter. 

Every  new  sentence,  following  a  period,  exclamation 
mark,  or  interrogation  point,  must  begin  with  a  capital 
letter. 

Every  proper  name,  whether  it  be  of  a  person,  a  place, 
or  an  object,  must  begin  with  a  capital  letter.  The  pro- 
noun I  and  exclamation  0  must  be  always  written  in 
capital  letters. 

Capitals  must  never,  except  in  the  case  of  proper 
names  or  the  two  letters  mentioned  in  the  last  paragraph, 
be  written  in  the  middle  of  a  sentence. 

A  capital  letter  must  never  be  used  in  the  middle  of  a 
word,  among  the  small  letters;  nor  must  it  be  used  at 
the  end  of  a  word. 

Nothing  adds  more  to  the  beauty  of  a  letter,  or  any 
written  composition,  than  handsomely  written  capital 
letters,  used  in  their  proper  places. 

Having  specified  the  most  important  points  in  a  cor- 
rect letter,  we  next  come  to  that  which,  more  than  any- 


LETTER   WRITING.  259 

thing  else,  shows  the  mind  of  the  writer;  that  which 
proves  his  good  or  bad  education;  that  which  gives  him 
rank  as  an  elegant  or  inelegant  writer — Style. 

It  is  style  which  adorns  or  disfigures  a  subject;  which 
makes  the  humblest  matter  appear  choice  and  elegant, 
or  which  reduces  the  most  exalted  ideas  to  a  level  with 
common,  or  vulgar  ones. 

Lord  Chesterfield  says,  "It  is  of  the  greatest  import- 
ance to  write  letters  well;  as  this  is  a  talent  which  un- 
avoidably occurs  every  day  of  one's  life,  as  well  in  busi- 
ness as  in  pleasure;  and  inaccuracies  in  orthography  or 
in  style  are  never  pardoned.  Much  depends  upon  the 
manner  in  which  they  are  written ;  which  ought  to  be 
easy  and  natural,  not  strained  and  florid.  For  instance, 
when  you  are  about  to  send  a  hiUet-doux,  or  love  letter 
to  a  fair  friend,  you  must  only  think  of  what  you  would 
say  to  her  if  you  were  both  together,  and  then  write  it; 
that  renders  the  style  easy  and  natural ;  though  some 
people  imagine  the  wording  of  a  letter  to  be  a  great  un- 
dertaking, and  think  they  must  write  abundantly  better 
than  they  talk,  which  is  not  at  all  necessary.  Style  is 
the  dress  of  thoughts,  and  let  them  be  ever  so  just,  if 
your  style  is  homely,  coarse,  and  vulgar,  they  will  appear 
to  as  much  disadvantage  and  be  as  ill  received  as  your 
person,  though  ever  so  well  proportioned,  would,  if 
dressed  in  rags,  dirt,  and  tatters.  It  is  not  every  under- 
standing that  can  judge  of  matter;  but  every  one  can 
and  does  judge,  more  or  less,  of  style;  and  were  I  either 
to  speak  or  write  to  the  public,  I  should  prefer  moderate 
matter,  adorned  with  all  the  beauties  and  elegancies  of 


260  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Btyle,  to  the  strongest  matter  in  the  world,  ill  worded  and 
ill  delivered." 

Write  legibly,  correctly,  and  without  erasures  upon  a 
whole  sheet  of  paper,  never  upon  half  a  sheet.  Choose 
paper  which  is  thick,  white,  and  perfectly  plain.  The 
initials  stamped  at  the  top  of  a  sheet  are  the  only  orna- 
ment allowed  a  gentleman. 

It  is  an  unpardonable  fault  to  write  upon  a  sheet  which 
has  anything  written  or  drawn  upon  it,  or  is  soiled ;  and 
quite  as  bad  to  answer  a  note  upon  half  the  sheet  it  is 
written  upon,  or  write  on  the  other  side  of  a  sheet  which 
has  been  used  before. 

Write  your  own  ideas  in  your  own  words,  neither  bor- 
rowing or  copying  from  another.  If  you  are  detected 
in  a  plagiarism,  you  will  never  recover  your  reputation 
for  originality,  and  you  may  find  yourself  in  the  position 
of  the  hero  of  the  following  anecdote : 

Mr.  0.,  a  man  of  but  little  cultivation,  fell  in  love 
with  Miss  N.,  whose  fine  intellect  was  duly  improved  by 
a  thorough  course  of  study  and  reading,  while  her  wit, 
vivacity,  and  beauty  made  Mr.  0.  one  only  amongst 
many  suitors.  Fascinated  by  her  beauty  and  gracious 
manner  he  determined  to  settle  his  fate,  and  ask  her  to 
go  forward  in  the  alphabet  and  choose  the  next  letter  to 
put  to  her  surname.  But  how?  Five  times  he  tried  to 
speak,  and  five  times  the  gay  beauty  so  led  the  discourse 
that  he  left  at  the  end  of  each  interview,  no  wiser  than 
when  he  came.  At  length  he  resolved  to  write.  It  was 
the  first  time  he  had  held  the  pen  for  any  but  a  business 
letter.  After  commencing  twice  with  "Dear  sir,"  once 
yfithj  "I  write  to  inform  you  that  I  am  well  and  hope 


LETTER   WRITING.  261 

this  letter  will  find  you  the  same,"  and  once  with,  "Your 
last  duly  received,"  he  threw  the  pen  aside  in  disgust 
and  despair.  A  love  letter  was  beyond  his  feeble  ca- 
pacities. Suddenly  a  brilliant  idea  struck  him.  He 
had  lately  seen,  in  turning  the  leaves  of  a  popular  novel, 
a  letter,  perhaps  a  love  letter.  He  procured  the  book, 
found  the  letter.  It  was  full  of  fire  and  passion,  words 
of  love,  protestations  of  never  failing  constancy,  and 
contained  an  offer  of  marriage.  With  a  hand  that  trem- 
bled with  ecstasy,  0.  copied  and  signed  the  letter,  sealed, 
directed,  and  sent  it.  The  next  day  came  the  answer — 
simply  : 

<*My  Friend, 

"  Turn  to  the  next  page  and  you  will  find 
the  reply. 

"A.  N." 

He  did  so,  and  found  a  polite  refusal  of  his  suit. 

The  secret  of  letter  writing  consists  in  writing  as  you 
would  speak.  Thus,  if  you  speak  well,  you  will  write 
well;  if  you  speak  ill,  you  will  also  write  ill. 

Endeavor  always  to  write  as  correctly  and  properly 
as  possible.  If  you  have  reason  to  doubt  your  own 
spelling,  carefully  read  and  correct  every  letter  before 
you  fold  it.  An  ill-formed  letter  is,  however,  better  let 
alone.  You  will  not  improve  it  by  trying  to  reform  it, 
and  the  eff'ort  will  be  plainly  visible. 

Let  your  style  be  simple,  concise,  and  clear,  entirely 
void  of  pretension,  without  any  phrases  written  merely 
for  effect,  without  useless  flowery  language,  respectful 


262  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

towards  superiors,  women,  and  older  persons,  and  it  will 
be  well. 

Abbreviations  are  only  permitted  in  business  letters, 
and  in  friendly  correspondence  must  never  be  used. 

Figures  are  never  to  be  used  excepting  when  putting 
a  date  or  a  sum  of  money.  In  a  business  letter  the 
money  is  generally  specified  both  in  figures  and  words, 
thus ;  $500  Five  hundred  dollars. 

You  may  put  the  name,  date,  and  address  of  a  letter 
either  at  the  top  of  the  page  or  at  the  end.  I  give  a 
specimen  of  each  style  to  show  my  meaning. 

Philadelphia,  June  25th,  1855. 

Mr.  James  Smith, 
Dear  Sir, 

The  goods  ordered  in  your  letter  of  the  19th 
inst.  were  sent  this  morning  by  Adam's  Express.  We 
shall  be  always  happy  to  hear  from  you,  and  will 
promptly  fill  any  further  orders. 

Yours,  truly, 

Jones,  Brown,  &  Co. 

or, 

Dear  Sir, 

^Your  favor  of  the  5th  inst.  received  to  day, 
Will  execute  your  comriiissions  with  pleasure. 

Yours,  truly, 

J.  Jones. 
Mr.  James  Smith. 

Phila.,  June  25^^,  1854. 


LETTER   WRITING.  263 

If  you  send  your  own  address  put  it  under  your  own 
fiignature,  thus: 

J.  Jones, 

17  W St., 

New  York. 

The  etiquette  of  letter-writing,  should,  as  much  .as 
possible,  be  influenced  by  principles  of  truth.  The 
superscription  and  the  subscription  should  alike  be 
in  accordance  with  the  tone  of  the  communication,  and 
the  domestic  or  social  relation  of  those  between  whom  it 
passes.  Communications  upon  professional  or  business 
matters,  where  no  acquaintance  exists  to  modify  the  cir- 
cumstances, should  be  written  thus: — *^Mr.  Gillot  will 
feel  obliged  by  Mr.  Slack's  sending  by  the  bearer,"  &c. 
It  is  an  absurdity  for  a  man  who  writes  a  challenge,  or 
an  offensive  letter,  to  another,  to  subscribe  himself, 
**Your  obedient  Servant."  I  dislike  this  form  of  sub- 
scription, also,  when  employed  by  persons  of  equal  rank. 
It  is  perfectly  becoming  when  addressed  by  a  servant  to 
an  employer.  But  in  other  cases,  "Yours  truly," 
"Yours  very  truly,"  "Your  Friend,"  "Your  sincere 
Friend,"  "Your  Well-wisher,"  "Your  grateful  Friend," 
"Your  affectionate  Friend,"  &c.,  &c.,  appears  to  be 
much  more  truthful,  and  to  be  more  in  keeping  with  the 
legitimate  expression  of  good  feeling.  It  is  impossible 
to  lay  down  a  set  of  rules  that  shall  govern  all  cases. 
But  as  a  principle,  it  may  be  urged,  that  no  person 
should  address  Another  as,  "Dear  Sir,"  or,  "Dear 
Madam,"  without  feelings  and  relations  that  justify  the 
use  of  the  adjective.     These  compliments  are  mockeries. 


264  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

No  one  who  entertains  a  desire  to  write  another  as 
''dear,"  need  feel  afraid  of  giving  oflfence  by  familiarity; 
for  all  mankind  prize  the  esteem  even  of  their  humblest 
fellows  too  much  to  be  annoyed  by  it.  And  in  propor- 
tion as  the  integrity  of  the  forms  of  correspondence  in- 
crease, so  will  these  expressions  of  good  feeling  be  more 
appreciated. 

The  next  point  to  be  considered  is  the  subject  of  your 
letter,  and  without  a  good  subject  the  epistle  will  be  apt 
to  be  dull.  I  do  not  mean  by  this  that  it  is  necessary 
to  have  any  extraordinary  event  to  relate,  or  startling 
news  to  communicate ;  but  in  order  to  write  a  good  letter, 
it  is  necessary  to  have  a  good  subject,  that  you  may  not 
rival  the  Frenchman  who  wrote  to  his  wife-=»-"I  write  to 
you  because  I  have  nothing  to  do :  I  stop  because  I  have 
nothing  to  say."  Letters  written  without  aim  or  object, 
simply  for  the  sake  of  writing,  arc  apt  to  be  stupid,  tri- 
vial, or  foolish. 

You  may  write  to  a  friend  to  congratulate  him  upon 
some  happy  event  to  himself,  or  to  condole  with  him  in 
some  misfortune,  or  to  ask  his  congratulations  or  con- 
dolence for  yourself.  You  may  write  to  enquire  for  his 
health,  or  to  extend  an  invitation,  a  letter  of  thanks, 
felicitations,  upon  business,  or  a  thousand  other  subjects, 
which  it  is  useless  for  me  to  enumerate. 

Letters  of  Business.  The  chief  object  in  a  letter 
of  business  is  to  communicate  or  enquire  about  some 
one  fact,  and  the  epistle  should  be  confined  entirely  to 
that  fact.  All  compliments,  jests,  high-flown  language 
and  sentiment,  are  entirely  out  of  place  in  a  business 
letter,  and  brevity  should  be  one  of  the  most  important 


LETTER   WRITING.  265 

aims.  Do  not  let  your  desire  to  be  brief,  however,  make 
your  meaning  obscure ;  better  to  add  a  few  words,  or 
even  lines,  tp  the  length  of  your  letter,  than  to  send  it 
in  confused,  unintelligible  language.  Chesterfield's  ad- 
vice on  business  letters  is  excellent.     He  says: 

"  The  first  thing  necessary  in  writing  letters  of  busi- 
ness is,  extreme  clearness  and  perspicuity ;  every  para- 
graph should  be  so  clear  and  unambiguous  that  the 
dullest  fellow  in  the  world  may  not  be  able  to  mistake  it, 
nor  obliged  to  read  it  twice  in  order  to  understand  it. 
This  necessary  clearness  implies  a  correctness,  without 
excluding  an  elegance  of  style.  Tropes,  figures,  an- 
tithesis, epigrams,  &c.,  would  be  as  misplaced  and  as  im- 
pertinent in  letters  of  business  as  they  are  sometimes 
(if  judiciously  used)  proper  and  pleasing  in  familiar  let- 
ters, upon  common  and  trite  subjects.  In  business,  an 
elegant  simplicity,  the  result  of  care,  not  of  labor,  is  re- 
quired. Business  must  be  well,  not  afi"ectedly  dressed; 
but  by  no  means  negligently.  Let  your  first  attention 
be  to  clearness,  and  read  every  paragraph  after  you  have 
written  it,  in-  the  critical  view  of  discovering  whether  it 
is  possible  that  any  one  man  can  mistake  the  true  sense 
of  it;  and  correct  it  accordingly. 

Our  pronouns  and  relatives  often  create  obscurity  and 
ambiguity;  be,  therefore,  exceedingly  attentive  to  them, 
and  take  care  to  mark  out  with  precision  their  particular 
relations.  For  example;  Mr.  Johnson  acquainted  me, 
that  he  had  seen  Mr.  Smith,  who  had  promised  him  to 
speak  to  Mr.  Clarke,  to  return  him  (Mr.  Johnson)  those 
papers,  which  he  (Mr.  Smith)  had  left  some  time  ago  with 
him  (Mr.  Clarke) ;  it  is  better  to  repeat  a  name,  though 


266  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

unnecessarily,  ten  times,  than  to  have  the  person  mis- 
taken once. 

"  Who,  you  know,  is  singly  relative  to  persons,  and 
cannot  be  applied  to  things ;  which  and  that  are  chiefly 
relative  to  things,  but  not  absolutely  exclusive  of  per- 
sons; for  one  may  say  the  man,  that  robbed  or  killed 
such-a-one ;  but  it  is  better  to  say,  the  man  who  robbed 
or  killed.  One  never  says,  the  man  or  woman  which. 
Which  and  tliat,  though  chiefly  relative  to  things,  cannot 
be  always  used  indifferently  as  to  things.  For  instance, 
the  letter  which  I  received  from  you,  which  you  referred 
to  in  your  last,  which  came  by  Lord  Albemarle's  mes- 
senger, which  I  showed  to  such-a-one ;  I  would  change  it 
thus — The  letter  that  I  received  from  you,  which  you 
referred  to  in  your  last,  that  came  by  Lord  Albemarle's 
messenger,  and  which  I  showed  to  such-a-one. 

"  Business  does  not  exclude  (as  possibly  you  wish  it 
did)  the  usual  terms  of  politeness  and  good  breeding; 
but,  on  the  contrary,  strictly  requires  them;  such  as,  I 
have  the  honor  to  acquaint  you  ;  Permit  me  to  assure  you  ; 
or,  If  1  may  he  allowed  to  give  my  opinion,  ^c. 

"  Letters  op  Business  will  not  only  admit  of,  but  be 
the  better  for  certain  graces — but  then,  they  must  be  scat- 
tered with  a  skillful  and  sparing  hand ;  they  must  fit 
their  place  exactly.  They  must  adorn  without  encum- 
bering, and  modestly  shine  without  glaring.  But  as  this 
is  the  utmost  degree  of  perfection  in  letters  of  business, 
I  would  not  advise  you  to  attempt  those  embellishments, 
till  you  have  just  laid  your  foundation  well. 

"Carefully  avoid  all  Greek  or  Latin  quotations;  and 
bring  no  precedents  from  the  virtuous  Spartans,  the  pa- 


LETTER   WHITING.  267 

lite  Athenians^  and  the  brave  Romans.  Leave  all  that 
to  futile  pedants.  No  flourishes,  no  declamations.  But 
(I  repeat  it  again)  there  is  an  elegant  simplicity  and  dig- 
nity of  style  absolutely  necessary  for  good  letters  of  bu- 
siness ;  attend  to  that  carefully.  Let  your  periods  bo 
harmonious,  without  seeming  to  be  labored;  and  let 
them  not  be  too  long,  for  that  always  occasions  a  degree 
of  obscurity.  I  should  not  mention  correct  orthography, 
but  that  to  fail  in  that  particular  will  bring  ridicule  upon 
you;  for  no  man  is  allowed  to  spell  ill.  The  hand- 
writing, too,  should  be  good;  and  I  cannot  conceive  why 
it  is  ever  otherwise,  since  every  man  may,  certainly,  write 
whatever  hand  he  pleases.  Neatness  in  folding  up, 
sealing,  and  directing  your  packets  is,  by  no  means,  to 
be  neglected.  There  is  something  in  the  exterior,  even 
of  a  packet  or  letter,  that  may  please  or  displease;  and, 
consequently,  worth  some  attention." 

If  you  are  writing  a  letter,  either  upon  your  own  bu- 
siness or  upon  that  of  the  person  you  are  addressing, 
not  in  answer  to  him,  but  opening  the  subject  between 
you,  follow  the  rule  of  clearness  and  of  business  brevity. 
Come  to  the  point  at  once,  in  order  that  the  person  ad- 
dressed may  easily  comprehend  you.  Put  nobody  to 
the  labor  of  guessing  what  you  desire,  and  be  careful 
that  half-instructions  do  not  lead  your  correspondent 
astray.  If  you  have  so  clear  an  idea  of  your  operation 
in  your  mind,  or  if  it  is  so  simple  a  one  that  ifneeds  no 
words,  except  specific  directions,  or  a  plain  request,  you 
need  not  waste  time,  but,  with  the  proper  forms  of 
courtesy,  instruct  him  of  your  wishes.  In  whatever  you 
write,  remember  that  time  is  valuable ;  and  that  embar- 


268  gentlemen's  book  or  etiquette. 

rassing  or  indefinite  letters  are  a  great  nuisance  to  a  bu- 
siness man.  I  need  hardly  remark,  that  punctuality  in 
answering  correspondents  is  one  of  the  cardinal  business 
virtues.  Where  it  is  possible,  answer  letters  by  return 
of  post,  as  you  will  thus  save  your  own  time,  and  pay 
your  correspondent  a  flattering  compliment.  And  in 
opening  a  correspondence  or  writing  upon  your  own 
business,  let  your  communication  be  made  at  the  earliest 
proper  date  in  order  that  your  correspondent,  as  well  as 
yourself,  may  have  the  benefit  of  thought  and  deliber- 
ation. 

Letters  of  Inquiry  should  be  written  in  a  happy 
medium,  between  tedious  length  and  the  brevity  which 
would  betoken  indifference.  As  the  subject  is  generally 
limited  to  questions  upon  one  subject,  they  will  not  ad- 
mit of  much'  verbiage,  and  if  your  inquiry  relates  simply 
to  a  matter  of  business,  it  is  better  to  confine  your  words 
strictly  to  that  business ;  if,  however,  you  are  writing  to 
make  inquiry  as  to  the  health  of  a  friend,  or  any  other 
matter  in  which  feeling  or  affection  dictates  the  epistle, 
the  cold,  formal  style  of  a  business  letter  would  become 
heartless,  and,  in  many  cases,  positively  insulting.  You 
must  here  add  some  words  of  compliment,  express  your 
friendly  interest  in  the  subject,  and  your  hope  that  a  fa- 
vorable answer  may  be  returned,  and  if  the  occasion  is 
a  painful  one,  a  few  lines  of  regret  or  condolence  may 
De  added. 

If  you  are  requesting  a  favor  of  your  correspondent, 
you  should  apologize  for  the  trouble  you  are  giving  him, 
and  mention  the  necessity  which  prompts  you  to  write. 

If  you  are  making  inquiries  of  a  friend,  your  letter 


i 


LETTER   WRITING.  269 

will  then  admit  of  some  words  of  compliment,  and  may 
be  written  in  an  easy,  familiar  style. 

If  writing  to  a  stranger,  your  request  for  information 
becomes  a  personal  favor,  and  you  should  write  in  a 
manner  to  show  him  that  you  feel  this.  Speak  of  the 
obligation  he  will  confer,  mention  the  necessity  which 
compels  you  to  trouble  him,  and  follow  his  answer  by  a 
note  of  thanks. 

Always,  when  sending  a  letter  of  inquiry,  enclose  a 
stamp  for  the  answer.  If  you  trouble  your  corres- 
pondent to  take  his  time  to  write  you  information,  valu- 
able only  to  yourself,  you  have  no  right  to  tax  him  also 
for  the  price  of  postage. 

Answers  to  letters  of  Inquiry  should  be  written 
as  soon  as  possible  after  such  letters  are  received.  If 
the  inquiry  is  of  a  personal  nature,  concerning  your 
health,  family  affairs,  or  the  denial  or  corroboration  of 
some  report  concerning  yourself,  you  should  thank  your 
correspondent  for  the  interest  he  expresses,  and  such  a 
a  letter  should  be  answered  immediately.  If  the  letter 
you  receive  contains  questions  which  you  cannot  answer 
instantly,  as,  for  instance,  if  you  are  obliged  to  see 
a  third  party,  or  yourself  make  inquiry  upon  the 
subject  proposed,  it  is  best  to  write  a  few  lines  ac- 
knowledging the  receipt  of  your  friend's  letter,  ex- 
pressing your  pleasure  at  being  able  to  serve  him,  and 
statiHg  why  you  cannot  immediately  give  him  the  de- 
sired information,  with  the  promise  to  write  again  as 
soon  as  such  information  is  yours  to  send. 

Letters  requesting  Favors  are  trying  to  write, 
and  must  be  dictated  by  the  circumstances  which  make 


270  ge2stlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

them  necessary.  Be  careful  not  to  be  servile  in  such 
letters.  Take  a  respectful,  but,  at  the  same  time,  manly- 
tone;  and,  while  you  acknowledge  the  obligation  a  fa- 
vorable answer  will  confer,  do  not  adopt  the  cringing 
language  of  a  beggar. 

Letters  conferring  Favors  should  never  be  writ- 
ten in  a  style  to  make  the  recipient  feel  a  weight  of  ob- 
ligation ;  on  the  contrary,  the  style  should  be  such  as 
w^ill  endeavor  to  convince  your  correspondent  that  in 
his  acceptance  of  your  favor  he  confers  an  obligation 
upon  you. 

Letters  refusing  Favors  call  for  your  most  court- 
eous language,  for  they  must  give  some  pain,  and  this 
may  be  very  much  softened  by  the  manner  in  which  you 
write.  Express  your  regret  at  being  unable  to  grant  your 
friend's  request,  a  hope  that  at  some  future  time  it  may  be 
in  your  power  to  answer  another  such  letter  more  favor- 
ably, and  give  a  good  reason  for  your  refusal. 

Letters  acknowledging  Favors,  or  letters  of  thanks, 
should  be  written  in  a  cordial,  frank,  and  grateful  style. 
While  you  earnestly  thank  your  correspondent  for  his 
kindness,  you  must  never  hint  at  any  payment  of  the 
obligation.  If  you  have  the  means  of  obliging  him  near 
you  at  that  instant,  make  your  offer  of  the  favor  the 
subject  of  another  letter,  lest  he  attribute  your  haste  to 
a  desire  to  rid  yourself  of  an  obligation.  To  hint  at  a 
future  payment  is  still  more  indelicate.  When  you  can 
Bhow  your  gratitude  by  a  suitable  return,  then  let  your 
actions,  not  your  words,  speak  for  the  accuracy  of  your 
memory  in  retaining  the  recollection  of  favors  conferred. 

Anonymous   letters.      The   man  who  would   write 


LETTER   WRITING.  271 

an  aiioiijuioao  icLter,  ciLliur  to  insult  the  person  ad- 
dressed, or  auuoy  a  third  person,  is  a  scoundrel,  "  whom 
'twere  gross  flattery  to  name  a  coward."  None  but  a 
man  of  the  lowest  principles,  and  meanest  character, 
would  commit  an  act  to  gratify  malice  or  hatred  without 
danger  to  himself.  A  gentleman  will  treat  such  a  com- 
munication with  the  contemptuous  silence  which  it  de- 
serves. 

Letters  of  Intelligence.  The  first  thing  to  be  re- 
garded in  a  letter  of  intelligence  is  truth.  They  are 
written  on  every  variety  of  subjects,  under  circumstances 
of  the  saddest  and  the  most  joyful  nature.  They  are 
written  often  under  the  pressure  of  the  most  crushing 
grief,  at  other  times  when  the  hand  trembles  with  ec- 
stacy,  and  very  frequently  when  a  weight  of  other  cares 
and  engagements  makes  the  time  of  the  writer  invaluable. 
Yet,  whether  the  subject  communicated  concerns  your- 
self or  another,  remember  that  every  written  word  is  a 
record  for  your  veracity  or  falsehood.  If  exaggeration, 
or,  still  worse,  malice,  guide  your  pen,  in  imparting 
painful  subjects,  or  if  the  desire  to  avoid  causing  grief 
makes  you  violate  truth  to  soften  trying  news,  you  are 
signing  your  name  to  a  written  falsehood,  and  the  letter 
may,  at  some  future  time,  rise  to  confront  you  and  prove 
that  your  intelligence  cannot  be  trusted.  Whatever  the 
character  of  the  news  you  communicate,  let  taste  and 
discretion  guide  you  in  the  manner  of  imparting  it.  If 
it  is  of  so  sorrowful  a  character  that  you  know  it  must 
cause  pain,  you  may  endeavor  to  open  the  subject 
gradually,  and  a  few  lines  of  sympathy  and  comfort,  if 
unheeded   at   the  time,  may  be  appreciated  when   the 


272  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

mourner  re-reads  your  letter  in  calmer  moments.  Joyful 
news,  though  it  does  not  need  the  same  caution,  also  ad- 
mits of  expressions  of  sympathy. 

Never  write  the  gossip  around  you,  unless  you  are 
obliged  to  communicate  some  event,  and  then  write  only 
what  you  know  to  be  true,  or,  if  you  speak  of  doubtful 
matters,  state  them  to  be  such.  Avoid  mere  scandal 
and  hearsay,  and,  above  all,  avoid  letting  your  own 
malice  or  bitterness  of  feeling  color  all  your  statements 
in  their  blackest  dye.  Be,  under  such  circumstances, 
truthful,  just,  and  charitable. 

Letters  of  Recommendation  should  be  written  only 
when  they  are  positively  necessary,  and  great  caution 
should  be  used  in  giving  them.  They  make  you,  in  a 
measure,  responsible  for  the  conduct  of  another,  and  if 
you  give  them  frequently,  on  slight  grounds,  you  will 
certainly  have  cause  to  repent  your  carelessness.  They 
are  letters  of  business,  and  should  be  carefully  composed ; 
truthful,  while  they  are  courteous,  and  just,  while  they 
are  kind.  If  you  sacrifice  candor  to  a  mistaken  kind- 
ness, you  not  only  make  yourself  a  party  to  any  mischief 
that  may  result,  but  you  are  committing  a  dishonest  act 
towards  the  person  to  whom  the  letter  will  be  delivered. 

Letters  of  Introduction  should  be  short,  as  they 
are  generally  delivered  in  person,  and  ought  not  to  oc- 
cupy much  time  in  reading,  as  no  one  likes  to  have  to 
wait  while  a  long  letter  of  introduction  is  read.  While 
you  speak  of  the  bearer  in  the  warm  language  of  friend- 
ship, do  not  write  praises  in  such  a  letter;  they  are 
about  as  much  in  place  as  they  would  be  if  you  spoke 
them  at  a  personal  introduction.     Leave  letters  of  in- 


LETTER  WRITING.  273 

troduction  unsealed,  for  it  is  a  gross  breach  of  politeness 
to  prevent  the  bearer  from  reading  what  you  have  writ- 
ten, by  fastening  the  envelope.  The  most  common 
form  is : — 

Dear  Sir, 

It  gives  me  much  pleasure  to  introduce  to  you, 

the  bearer  of  this  letter,  as  my  friend  Mr.  J ,  who  is 

to  remain  a  few  days  in  your  city  on  his  way  to  New 
Orleans.  I  trust  that  the  acquaintance  of  two  friends, 
for  whom  I  have  so  long  entertained  so  warm  an  esteem, 
will  prove  as  pleasant  as  my  intercourse  with  each  has 
always  been.     Any  attention  which  it  may  be  in  your 

power  to  pay  to  Mr.  J ,  whilst  he  is  in  your  city,  will 

be  highly  appreciated  and  gratefully  acknowledged  by 

Your  sincere  friend 

James  C.  Ray. 

Mr.  L.  G.  Edmonds. 

June  23^,  18—. 

If  your  letter  is  to  introduce  any  gentleman  in  his 
business  or  professional  capacity,  mention  what  that  bu- 
siness is  ;  and  if  your  own  acquaintance  with  the  bearer 
is  slight,  you  may  also  use  the  name  of  the  persons  from 
whom  he  brought  letters  to  yourself.  Here,  you  may, 
with  perfect  propriety,  say  a  few  words  in  praise  of  the 
bearer's  skill  in  his  professional  labors.  If  he  is  an 
artist,  you  need  not  hesitate  to  give  a  favorable  opinion 
of  whatever  of  his  pictures  you  have  seen,  or,  if  a  mu- 
sician, express  the  delight  his  skill  has  afforded  you. 

A  LETTER  REQUESTING  AN  AUTOGRAPH  should  alwayS 

enclose  a  postage  stamp  for  the  reply.     In  such  a  letter 
18 


274  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Bome  words  of  compliment,  expressive  of  the  value  of 
the  name  for  which  you-  ask,  is  in  good  taste.  You  may 
refer  to  the  deeds  or  celebrity  which  have  made  the  name 
so  desirable,  and  also  express  your  sense  of  the  great- 
ness of  the  favor,  and  the  obligation  the  granting  of  it 
will  confer. 

AuToaRAPH  Letters  should  be  short;  containing 
merely  a  few  lines,  thanking  the  person  addressed  for 
the  compliment  paid  in  requesting  the  signature,  and  ex- 
pressive of  the  pleasure  it  gives  you  to  comply  with  the 
request.  If  you  wish  to  refuse  (though  none  but  a  churl 
would  do  so),  do  not  fall  into  the  error  of  an  eccentric 
American  whose  high  position  in  the  army  tempted  a 
collector  of  autographs  to  request  his  signature.  The 
general  wrote  in  reply: — 

"Sir, 
"I'll  be  hanged  if  I  send  my  autograph  to  anybody. 

"  Yours, 


and  signed  his  name  in  full  in  the  strong,  bold  letters 
which  always  characterized  his  hand  writing. 

Invitations  to  Ladies  should  be  written  in  the  third 
person,  unless  you  are  very  intimate  with  them,  or  can 
slaim  relationship.  All  letters  addressed  to  a  lady 
should  be  written  in  a  respectful  style,  and  when  they 
are  sliort  and  to  a  comparative  stranger,  the  third  person 
is  the  most  elegant  one  to  use.  Remember,  in  directing 
letters  to  young  ladies,  the  eldest  one  in  a  family  is  ad- 
drcbsed  by  the  surname  alone,  while  the  others  have  also 
the  ^rc^er  name ;  thus,  if  you  wrote  to  the  daughters 


LETTER   WRITING.  275 

of  Mr.  Smith,  the  eldest  one  is  Miss  Smith,  the  others, 
Miss  Annie  Smith  and  Miss  Jane  Smith. 

Invitations  should  be  sent  by  your  own  servant,  or 
clerk.  Nothing  is  more  vulgar  than  sending  invitations 
through  the  despatch,  and  you  run  the  risk  of  their 
being  delayed.  The  first  time  that  you  invite  a  lady  to 
accompany  you  to  ride,  walk,  or  visit  any  place  of 
public  amusement,  you  should  also  invite  her  mother, 
sister,  or  any  other  lady  in  the  same  family,  unless  you 
have  a  jnother  or  sister  with  whom  the  lady  invited  is 
acquainted,  when  you  should  say  in  your  note  that  your 
mother  or  sister  will  accompany  you. 

Letters  oe  Compliment  being  confined  to  one  sub- 
ject should  be  short  and  simple.  If  they  are  of  thanks 
for  inquiry  made,  they  should  merely  echo  the  letter 
they  answer,  with  the  acknowledgement  of  your  corres- 
pondent's courtesy. 

Letters  of  Congratulation.  Letters  of  congratu- 
lation are  the  most  agreeable  of  all  letters  to  write ;  your 
subject  is  before  you,  and  you  have  the  pleasure  of  sym- 
pathizing in  the  happiness  of  a  friend.  They  should  be 
written  in  a  frank,  genial  style,  with  warm  expressions 
of  pleasure  at  your  friend's  joy,  and  admit  of  any  happy 
quotations  or  jest. 

When  congratulating  your  friend  on  an  occasion  of 
happiness  to  himself,  be  very  careful  that  your  letter  has 
BO  word  of  envy  at  his  good  fortune,  no  fears  for  its 
short  duration,  no  prophecy  of  a  change  for  the  worse; 
let  all  be  bright,  cheerful,  and  hopeful.  There  are  few 
men  whose  life  calls  for  letters  of  congratulation  upon 
many  occasions,  let  them  have  bright,  unclouded  ones 


27G  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

when  they  can  claim  them.  If  you  have  other  friends 
whose  sorrow  mak^s  a  contrast  with  the  joy  of  the 
person  to  whom  you  are  writing,  nay,  even  if  you 
yourself  are  in  affliction,  do  not  mention  it  in  such  a 
letter. 

At  the  same  time  avoid  the  satire  of  exageration  in 
your  expressions  of  congratulation,  and  be  very  careful 
how  you  underline  a  word.  If  you  write  a  hope  that 
your  friend  may  be  perfectly  ha'ppy,  he  will  not  think 
that  the  emphasis  proves  the  strength  of  your  wish,  but 
that  you  are  fearful  that  it  will  not  be  fulfilled. 

If  at  the  same  time  that  you  are  writing  a  letter  of 
congratulation,  you  have  sorrowful  news  to  communicate, 
do  not  put  your  tidings  of  grief  into  your  congratulatory 
letter;  let  that  contain  only  cheerful,  pleasant  words; 
even  if  your  painful  news  must  be  sent  the  same  day, 
send  it  in  a  separate  epistle. 

Letters  of  Condolence  are  trying  both  to  the  writer 
and  to  the  reader.  If  your  sympathy  is  sincere,  and 
you  feel  the  grief  of  your  friend  as  if  it  were  your  own, 
you  will  find  it  difficult  to  express  in  written  words  the 
sorrow  that  you  are  anxious  to  comfort. 

Even  the  warmest,  most  sincere  expressions,  sound 
cold  and  commonplace  to  the  mourner,  and  one  grasp  of 
the  hand,  one  glance  of  the  eye,  will  do  more  to  express 
sympathy  than  whole  sheets  of  written  words.  It  is 
best  not  to  try  to  say  all  that  you  feel.  You  will  fail  in 
the  attempt  and  may  weary  your  friend.  Let  your 
letter,  then,  be  short,  (not  heartlessly  so)  but  let  its 
words,  though  few,  be  warm  and  sincere.  Any  light, 
cheerful  jesting  will  be  insulting  in  a  letter  of  con- 


LETTER   WRITING.  277 

dolence.  If  you  wish  to  comfort  by  bringing  forward 
blessings  or  hopes  for  the  future,  do  not  do  it  with  gay, 
or  jesting  expressions,  but  in  a  gentle,  kind  manner, 
drawing  your  words  of  comfort,  not  from  trivial,  passing 
events,  but  from  the  highest  and  purest  sources.- 

If  the  subject  for  condolence  be  loss  of  fortune  or 
any  similar  event,  your  letter  will  admit  of  the  cheering 
words  of  every-day  life,  and  kindly  hopes  that  the 
wheel  of  fortune  may  take  a-  more,  favorable  turn ;  but, 
if  death  causes  your  friend's  affliction,  there  is  but  little 
to  be  said  in  the  first  hours  of  grief.  Your  letter  of 
sympathy  and  comfort  may  be  read  after  the  first  crush- 
ing grief  is  over,  and  appreciated  then,  but  words  of 
comfort  are  but  little  heeded  when  the  first  agony  of  a 
life-long  separation  is  felt  in  all  the  force  of  its  first 
hours. 

Letters  sent  with  presents  should  be  short,  mere 
cards  of  compliment,  and  written  in  the  third  person. 

Letters  acknowledging  Presents  should  also  be 
quite  short,  written  in  the  third  person,  and  merely 
containing  a  few  lines  of  thanks,  with  a  word  or  two 
of  admiration  for  the  beauty,  value,  or  usefulness  of  the 

gift. 

Letters  of  Advice  are  generally  very  unpalatable 
for  the  reader,  and  had  better  not  be  written  unless  so- 
licited, and  not  then  unless  your  counsel  will  really 
benefit  your  correspondent.  "When  written,  let  them  be 
courteous,  but,  at  the  same  time,  perfectly  frank.  If 
you  can  avert  an  evil  by  writing  a  letter  of  advice,  ^ven 
when  unsolicited,  it  is  a  friendly  office  to  write,  but  it  is 
usually  a  thankless  one. 


278  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

To  write  after  an  act  has  been  performed,  and  state 
what  your  advice  would  have  been,  had  your  opinion 
been  asked,  is  extremely  foolish,  and  if  you  disapprove 
of  the  course  that  has  been  taken,  your  best  plan  is, 
certainly,  to  say  nothing  about  it. 

In  writing  your  letter  of  advice,  give  your  judgement 
as  an  opinion,  not  a  law,  and  say  candidly  that  you  will 
not  feel  hurt  if  contrary  Jidvice  offered  by  any  other, 
more  competent  to  judge  in  the  case,  is  taken.  While 
your  candor  may  force  you  to  give  the  most  unpalatable 
counsel,  let  your  courtesy  so  express  it,  that  it  cannot 
give  offence. 

Letters  of  Excuse  are  sometimes  necessary,  and 
they  should  be  written  promptly,  as  a  late  apology  for 
an  offence  is  worse  than  no  apology  at  all.  They  should 
be  written  in  a  frank,  manly  style,  containing  an  ex- 
planation of  the  offence,  and  the  facts  which  led  to  it, 
the  assurance  of  the  absence  of  malice  or  desire  to 
offend,  sorrow  for  the  circumstances,  and  a  hope  that 
your  apology  will  be  accepted.  Never  wait  until  cir- 
cumstances force  an  apology  from  you  before  writing  a 
letter  of  excuse.  A  frank,  prompt  acknowledgement 
of  an  offence,  and  a  candidly  expressed  desire  to  atone 
for  it,  or  for  indulgence  towards  it,  cannot  fail  to  con- 
ciliate any  reasonable  person. 

Cards  of  Compliment  must  always  be  written  in  the 
third  person. 

Answers.  The  first  requisite  in  answering  a  letter 
upon  any  subject,  is  promptness.  If  you  can  answer 
by  return  of  mail,  do  so ;  if  not,  write  as  soon  as  possi- 


LETTER   WRITING.  279 

ble.  If  you  receive  a  letter  making  inquiries  about 
facts  which  you.  will  require  time  to  ascertain,  then  write 
a  few  lines  acknowledging  the  receipt  of  the  letter  of 
inquiry  and  promising  to  send  the  information  as  soon 
jas  possible. 


280  gentlemen's   book   of    ETIQUETfE. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 


WEDDING  ETIQUETTE. 


From  an  English  work,  "The  Habits  of  Good  So- 
ciety," I  quote  some  directions  for  the  guidance  of  the 
happy  man  who  proposes  to  enter  the  state  of  matri- 
mony. I  have  altered  a  few  words  to  suit  the  difference 
of  country,  but  when  weddings  are  performed  in  church, 
the  rules  given  here  are  excellent.  They  will  apply 
equally  well  to  the  evening  ceremony. 

"At  a  time  when  our  feelings  are  or  ought  to  be  most 
susceptible,  when  the  happiness  or  misery  of  a  condition 
i»  which  there  is  no  medium  begins,  we  are  surrounded 
with  forms  and  etiquettes  which  rise  before  the  unwary 
like  spectres,  and  which  even  the  most  rigid  ceremonial- 
ists  regard  with  a  sort  of  dread. 

"  Were  it  not,  however,  for  these  forms,  and  for  this 
necessity  of  being  en  regie,  there  might,  on  the  solemn- 
ization of  marriage,  be  confusion,  forgetfulness,  and, 
even — speak  it  not  aloud — irritation  among  the  parties 
most  intimately  concerned.  Excitement  might  ruin  all. 
Without  a  definite  programme,  the  old  maids  of  the 
family  would  be  thrusting  in  advice.  The  aged  chronicler 
of  past  events,  or  grandmother  by  the  fireside,  would 
have  it  all  her  way;  the  venerable  bachelor  in  tights, 


WEDDING    ETIQUETTE.  281 

with  liis  blue  coat  and  metal  buttons,  might  throw  every 
thing  into  confusion  by  his  suggestions.  It  is  well  that 
we  are  indepenent  of  all  these  interfering  advisers;  that 
there  is  no  necessity  to  appeal  to  them.  Precedent  has 
arranged  it  all ;  we  have  only  to  put  in  or  understand 
what  that  stern  authority  has  laid  down;  how  it  has  been 
varied  by  modern  changes;  and  we  must  just  shape  our 
course  boldly.  *  Boldly?'  But  there  is  much  to  be 
done  before  we  come  to  that.  First,  there  is  the  offer  to 
be  made.  Well  may  a  man  who  contemplates  such  a 
step  say  to  himself,  with  Dryden  : 

'  These  are  the  realms  of  everlasting  fate ;' 

for,  in  truth,  on  marriage  one's  well-being  not  only  here 
but  even  hereafter  mainly  depends.  But  it  is  not  on  this 
bearing  of  the  subject  that  we  wish  to  enter,  contenting 
ourselves  with  a  quotation  from  the  Spectator : 

'^ '  It  requires  more  virtues  to  make  a  good  husband  or 
wife,  than  what  go  to  the  finishing  any  the  most  shining 
character  whatsoever.' 

"In  France,  an  engagement  is  an  affair  of  negotiation 
and  business;  and  the  system,  in  this  respect,  greatly 
resembles  the  practice  in  England,  on  similar  occasions, 
a  hundred  and  fifty  or  two  hundred  years  ago,  or  even 
later.  France  is  the  most  unchanging  country  in  the 
world  in  her  habits  and  domestic  institutions,  and  fore- 
nost  among  these  is  her  ''Marriage  de  convenanee,'  or 
Marriage  de  raisou.' 

"It  is  thus  brought  about.  So  soon  as  a  yotmg  girl 
quits  the  school  or  convent  where  she  has  been  educated, 
her  friends  cast  about  for  a  suitable  parti.     Most  parents 


282  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

in  France  take  care,  so  soon  as  a  daughter  is  born,  to 
put  aside  a  sum  of  money  for  her  ^dot^'  as  they  well 
know  that,  whatever  may  be  her  attractions,  that  is'  in- 
dispensable in  order  to  be  married.  They  are  ever  on 
the  look  out  for  a  youth  with,  at  least,  an  equal  fortune, 
or  more ;  or,  if  they  are  rich,  for  title,  which  is  deemed 
tantamount  to  fortune ;  even  the  power  of  writing  those 
two  little  letters  De  before  your  name  has  some  value  in 
the  marriage  contract.  Having  satisfied  themselves, 
they  thus  address  the  young  lady: — *It  is  now  time  for 
you  to  be  married;  I  know  of  an  eligible  match;  you 
can  see  the  gentleman,  either  at  such  a  ball,  or  [if  he  is 
serious]  at  church.  I  do  not  ask  you  to  take  him  if  his 
appearance  is  positively  disagreeable  to  you;  if  so,  we 
will  look  out  for  some  one  else.' 

""  As  a  matter  of  custom,  the  young  lady  answers  that 
the  will  of  her  parents  is  hers ;  she  consents  to  take  a 
survey  of  him  to  whom  her  destiny  is  to  be  entrusted ; 
and  let  us  presume  that  he  is  accepted,  though  it  does 
not  follow,  and  sometimes  it  takes  several  months  to  look 
out,  as  it  does  for  other  matters,  a  house,  or  a  place,  or 
a  pair  of  horses.  However,  she  consents;  a  formal  in- 
troduction takes  place;  the  ^rom^s  calls  in  full  dress  to 
see  his  future  wife ;  they  are  only  just  to  speak  to  each 
other,  and  those  few  unmeaning  words  are  spoken  in  the 
presence  of  the  bride-elect's  mother;  for  the  French 
think  it  most  indiscreet  to  allow  the  affections  of  a  girl 
to  be  interested  before  marriage,  lest  during  the  arrange- 
ments for  the  contract  all  should  be  broken  off.  If  she 
has  no  dislike,  it  is  enough;  never  for  an  instant  are  the 
engaged  couple  left  alone,  and  in  very  few  cases  do  they 


WEDDING    ETIQUETTE.  288 

go  up  to  the  altar  with  more  than  a  few  weeks'  acquaint- 
ance, and  usually  with  less.  The  whole  matter  is  then 
arranged  by  notaries,  who  squabble  over  the  marriage- 
contract,  and  get  all  they  can  for  their  clients. 

"The  contract  is  usually  signed  in  France  on  the  day 
before  the  marriage,  when. all  is  considered  safe;  the  re- 
ligious portion  of  their  bond  takes  place  in  the  church, 
and  then  the  two  young  creatures  are  left  together  to 
understand  each  other  if  they  can,  and  to  love  each  other 
if  they  will ;  if  not  they  must  content  themselves  with 
what  is  termed,  un  menage  de  Paris. 

"In  England,  formerly,  much  the  same  system  pre- 
vailed. A  boy  of  fourteen,  before  going  on  his  travels, 
was  contracted  to  a  girl  of  eleven,  selected  as  his  future 
wife  by  parents  or  guardians;  he  came  back  after  the 
grande  tour  to  fulfil  the  engagement.  But  by  law  it  was 
imperative  that  forty  days  should  at  least  pass  between, 
the  contract  and  the  marriage;  during  which  dreary  in- 
terval the  couple,  leashed  together  like  two  young  grey- 
hounds, would  have  time  to  think  of  the  future.  In 
France,  the  perilous  period  of  reflection  is  not  allowed. 
'I  really  am  so  glad  we  are  to  take  a  journey,'  said  a 
young  French  lady  to  her  friends  ;  ^  I  shall  thus  get  to 
know  something  about  my  husband;  he  is  quite  a  stranger 
to  me.'  Some  striking  instances  of  the  Marriage  de 
convenanee  being  infringed  on,  have  lately  occurred  in 
France.  The  late  Monsieur  de  Tocqueville  married  for 
love,  after  a  five  years'  engagement.  Guizot,  probably 
influenced  by  his  acquaintance  with  England,  gave  his 
daughters  liberty  to   choose  for  themselves,   and  they 


284  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

married  for  love^ — 'a  very  indelicate  proceeding,'  re- 
marked a  French  comtesse  of  the  old  regeme,  when 
speaking  of  this  arrangement. 

"Nothing  can  be  more  opposed  to  all  this  than  the 
American  system.  They  are  so  tenacious  of  the  freedom 
of  choice,  that  even  persuasion  is  thought  criminal. 

"In  France  negotiations  are  often  commenced  on  the 
lady's  side;  in  America,  never.  Even  too  encouraging 
a  manner,  even  the  ordinary  attentions  of  civility,  are, 
occasionally,  a  matter  of  reproach.  We  are  jealous  of 
the  delicacy  of  that  sacred  bond;  which  we  presume  to 
hope  is  to  spring  out  of  mutual  afifection.  A  gentleman 
who,  from  whatever  motives,  has  made  up  his  mind  to 
marry,  may  set  about  it  in  two  ways.  He  may  propose 
by  letter  or  in  words.  The  customs  of  society  imply 
the  necessity  of  a  sufficient  knowledge  of  the  lady  to  be 
addressed.  This,  even  in  this  country,  is  a  difficult 
point  to  be  attained;  and,  after  all,  cannot  be  calculated 
by  time,  since,  in  large  cities,  you  may  know  people  a 
year,  and  yet  be  comparative  strangers;  and,  meeting 
them  in  the  country,  may  become  intimate  in  a  week. 

"Having  made  up  his  mind,  the  gentleman  offers — • 
wisely,  if  he  can,  in  speech.  Letters  are  seldom  expres- 
sive of  what  really  passes  in  the  mind  of  man;  or,  if 
expressive,  seem  foolish,  since  deep  feelings  are  liable  to 
exaggeration.  Every  written  word  may  be  the  theme 
of  cavil,  ^tudy,  care,  which  avail  in  every  other  species 
of  composition,  are  death  to  the  lover's  effusion.  A  few 
sentences,  spoken  in  earnest,  and  broken  by  emotion, 
are  more  eloquent  than  pages  of  sentiment,  both  to 
*  Two  brothers,  named  De  Witte. 


WEDDING   ETIQUETTE.  285    , 

parent  and  daughter.  Let  him,  however,  speak  and  be 
accepted.  He  is,  in  that  case,  instantly  taken  into  the 
intimacy  of  his  adopted  relatives.  Such  is  the  notion 
of  American  honor,  that  the  engaged  couple  arc  hence- 
forth allowed  to  be  frequently  alone  together,  in  walking 
and  at  home.  If  there  be  no  known  obstacle  to  the  en- 
gagement, the  gentleman  and  lady  are  mutually  intro- 
duced to  the  respective  relatives  of  each.  It  is  for  the 
gentleman's  family  to  caU  first;  for  him  to  make  the  first 
present;  and  this  should  be  done  as  soon  as  possible 
after  the  oiFer  has  been  accepted.  It  is  a  sort  of  seal 
put  upon  the  affair,  f  The  absence  of  presents  is  thought 
to  imply  want  of  earnestness  in  the  matter.  This  pre- 
sent generally  consists  of  some  personal  ornament,  say, 
a  ring,  and  should  be  handsome,  but  not  so  handsome  as 
that  made  for  the  wedding-day.  During  the  period  that 
elapses  before  the  marriage,  the  betrothed  man  should 
conduct  himself  with  peculiar  deference  to  the  lady's 
family  and  friends,  even  if  beneath  his  own  station.  It 
is  often  said:  'I  marry  such  a  lady,  but  I  do  not  mean 
to  marry  her  whole  family.'  This  disrespectful  plea- 
santry has  something  in  it  so  cold,  so  selfish,  that  even 
if  the  lady's  family  be  disagreeable,  there  is  a  total  ab- 
sence of  delicate  feeling  to  her  in  thus  speaking  of  those 
nearest  to  her.  To  her  parents  especially,  the  conduct 
of  the  betrothed  man  should  be  respectful ;  to  her  sisters 
kind  without  familiarity;  to  her  brothers,  every  evidence 
of  good-will  should  be  testified.  In  making  every  pro- 
vision for  the.  future,  in  regard  to  settlements,  allowance 
for  dress,  &c.,  the  extent  of  liberality  convenient  should 
be  the  spirit  of  all  arrangements.     Perfect  candor  as  to 


286  genti.emen's  book  of  etiquette. 

his  own  affairs,  respectful  consideration  for  those  of  the 
family  he  is  about  to  enter,  mark  a  true  gentleman. 

''  In  France,  however  gay  and  even  blameable  a  man 
may  have  been  before  his  betrothel,  he  conducts  himself 
with  the  utmost  propriety  after  that  event.  A  sense  of 
what  is  due  to  a  lady  should  repress  all  habits  unpleasant 
to  her;  smoking,  if  disagreeable;  frequenting  places  of 
amusement  without  her;  or  paying  attention  to  other 
women.  In  this  respect,  indeed,  the  sense  of  honor 
should  lead  a  man  to  be  as  scrupulous  when  his  future 
wife  is  absent  as  when  she  is  present,  if  not  more  so. 

"  In  equgjly  bad  taste  is  exclusiveness.  The  devotions 
of  two  engaged  persons  should  be  reserved  for  the  tete-d- 
tete,  and  women  are  generally  in  fault  when  it  is  other- 
wise. They  like  to  exhibit  their  conquest;  they  cannot 
dispense  with  attentions ;  they  forget  that  the  demon- 
stration of  any  peculiar  condition  of  things  in  society 
must  make  some  one  uncomfortable;  the  young  lady  is 
uncomfortable  because  she  is  not  equally  happy;  the 
young  man  detests  what  he  calls  nonsense ;  the  old  think 
there  is  a  time  for  all  things.  All  sitting  apart,  there- 
fore, and  peculiar  displays,  are  in  bad  taste;  I  am  in- 
clined to  think  that  they  often  accompany  insincerity, 
and  that  the  truest  affections  are  those  which  are  reserved 
for  the  genuine  and  heartfelt  intimacy  of  private  inter- 
views. At  the  same  time,  the  airs  of  indifference  and 
avoidance  should  be  equally  guarded  against ;  since, 
however  strong  and  mutual  attachment  may  be,  such  a 
line  of  conduct  is  apt  needlessly  to  mislead  others,  and 
so  produce  mischief.  True  feeling,  and  a  lady-like  con- 
sideration for  others,  a  point  in  which  the  present  gene 


WEDDING    ETIQUETTE.  287 

ration  essentially  fails,  are  the  best  guides  for  steering 
between  the  extremes  of  demonstration  on  the  one  hand, 
and  of  frigidity  on  the  other. 

*' During  the  arrangement  of  pecuniary  matters,  a 
young  lady  should  endeavor  to  understand  what  is  going 
on,  receiving  it  in  a  right  spirit.  If  she  has  fortune,  she 
should,  in  all  points  left  to  her,  be  generous  and  confid- 
ing, at  the  same  time  prudent.  Many  a  man,  she  should 
remember,  may  abound  in  excellent  qualities,  and  yet  be 
improvident.  He  may  mean  to  do  well,  yet  have  a  pas- 
sion for  building;  he  may  be  the  very  soul  of  good  na- 
ture, yet  fond  of  the  gaming-table;  he  may  have  no 
wrong  propensities  of  that  sort,  and  yet  have  a  confused 
notion  of  accounts,  and  be  one  of  those  men  who  muddle 
away  a  great  deal  of  money,  no  one  knows  how;  or  he 
may  be  a  too  strict  economist,  a  man  who  takes  too  good 
care  of  the  pence,  till  he  tires  your  very  life  out  about 
an  extra  dollar;  or  he  may  be  facile  or  weakly  good 
natured,  and  have  a  friend  who  preys  on  him,  and 
for  whom  he  is  disposed  to  become  security.  Finally, 
the  beloved  Charles,  Henry,  or  Reginald  mSy  have  none 
of  these  propensities,  but  may  chance  to  be  an  honest 
merchant,  or  a  tradesman,  with  all  his  floating  capital  in 
business,  and  a  consequent  risk  of  being  one  day  rich, 
the  next  a  pauper.   • 

"Upon  every  account,  therefore,  it  is  desirable  for  a 
young  lady  to  have  a  settlement  on  her;  and  she  should 
not,  from  a  weak  spirit  of  romance,  oppose  her  friends 
who  advise  it,  since  it  is  for  her  husband's  advantage  as 
well  as  her  own.  By  making  a  settlement  there  is  always 
a  fund  which  cannot  be  touched — a  something,  however 


2^8  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

small,  ;is  a  piovisioii  for  a  wife  and  children ;  and  whether 
she  have  fortune  or  not,  this  ought  to  be  made.  An  al- 
lowance for  dress  should  also  be  arranged;  and  this 
should  be  administered  in  such  a  way  that  a  wife  should 
not  have  to  ask  for  it  at  inconvenient  hours,  and  thus  ir- 
ritate her  husband. 

"Every  preliminary  being  settled,  there  remains  no- 
thing except  to  fix  the  marriage-day,  a  point  always  left 
to  the  lady  to  advance;  and  next  to  settle  how  the  cere- 
monial is  to  be  performed  is  the  subject  of  consideration. 

"It  is"  to  be  lamented  that,  previous  to  so  solemn  a 
ceremony,  the  thoughts  of  the  lady  concerned  must  ne- 
cessarily be  engaged  for  some  time  upon  her  trousseau. 
The  trousseau  consists,  in  this  country,  of  all  the  habili- 
ments necessary  for  a  lady's  use  for  the  first  two  or  three 
years  of  her  married  life;  like  every  ather  outfit  there 
are  always  a  number  of  articles  introduced  into  it  that 
are  next  to  useless,  and  are  only  calculated  for  the  vain- 
glory of  the  ostentatious. 

"The  trousseau  being  completed,  and  the  day  fixed,  it 
becomes  necessary  to  select  the  bridesmaids  and  the 
bridegroom's  man,  and  to  invite  the  guests. 

"The  bridesmaids  are  from  two  to  eight  in  number. 
It  is  ridiculous  to  have  many,  as  the  real  intention  of  the 
bridesmaid  is,  that  she  should  act  as  a  witness  of  the 
marriage.  It  is,  however,*  thought  a  compliment  to  in- 
clude the  bride's  sisters  and  those  of  the  bridegroom's 
relations  and  intimate  friends,  in  case  sisters  do  not 
exist. 

"When  a  bride  is  young  the  bridesmaids  should  be 
young;  but  it  is  absurd  to  see. a  'single  woman  of  a  cer- 


WEDDING    ETIQUETTE.  289 

tain  age,*  or  a  widow,  surrounded  by  blooming  girls, 
making  her  look  plain  and  foolish.  For  them  the  dis- 
creet woman  of  thirty-jBve  is  more  suitable  as  a  brides- 
maid. Custom  decides  that  the  bridesmaids  should  be 
spinsters,  but  there  is  no  legal  objection  to  a  married 
woman  being  a  bridesmaid,  should  it  be  necessary,  as  it 
might  be  abroad,  or  at  sea,  or  where  ladies  are  few  in 
number.  Great  care  should  be  taken  not  to  give  offence 
in  the  choice  of  bridesmaids  by  a  preference,  which  is 
always  in  bad  taste  on  momentous  occasions. 

"  The  guests  at  the  wedding  should  be  selected  with 
similar  attention  to  what  is  right  and  kind,  with  consid- 
eration to  those  who  have  a  claim  on  us,  not  only  to  what 
we  ourselves  prefer. 

"For  a  great  wedding  breakfast,  it  is  customary  to 
send  out  printed  cards  from  the  parents  or  guardians 
from  whose  house  the  young  lady  is  to  be  married. 

"Early  in  the  day,  before  eleven,  the  bride  should  be 
dressed,  taking  breakfast  in  her  own  room,  in  America 
they  load  a  bride  with  lace  flounces  on  a  rich  silk,  and 
even  sometimes  with  ornaments.  In  France  it  is  always 
remembered,  with  better  taste,  that  when  a  young  lady 
goes  up  to  the  altar,  she  is  '  encore  jeune  fiUe ;'  her 
dress,  therefore,  is  exquisitely  simple;  a  dress  of  tulle 
over  white  silk,  a  long,  wide  veil  of  white  tulle,  going 
down  to  the  very  feet,  a  wreath  of  maiden-blush-roses 
interspersed  with  orange  flowers.  This  is  the  usual  cos- 
tume of  a  French  bride  of  rank,  or  in  the  middle  classes 
*  equally. 

"  The  gentleman's  dress  should  differ  little  from  his 
full  morning  costume.  The  days  are  gone  by  when 
19 


290  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

gentlemen  were  married — as  a  recently  deceased  friend 
of  mine  was — in  white  satin  breeches  and  waistcoat.  In 
these  days  men  show  less  joy  in  their  attire  at  the  fond 
consumation  of  their  hopes,  and  more  in  their  faces.  A 
dark-blue  frock-coat — black  being  superstitiously  con- 
sidered ominous — a  white  waistcoat,  and  a  pair  of  light 
trousers,  suffice  for  the  '  happy  man.'  The  neck-tie  also 
should  be  light  and  simple.  Polished  boots  are  not 
amiss,  though  plain  ones  are  better.  The  gloves  must 
be  as  white  as  the  linen.  Both  are  typical — for  in  these 
days  types  are  as  important  as  under  the  Hebrew  law- 
givers— of  the  purity  of  mind  and  heart  which  are  sup- 
posed to  exist  in  their  wearer.  Eheu !  after  all,  he  can- 
not be  too  well  dressed,  for  the  more  gay  he  is  the 
greater  the  compliment  to  his  bride.  Flowers  in  the 
button-hole  and  a  smile  on  the  face  show  the  bridegroom 
to  be  really  a  *  happy  man.' 

"  As  soon  as  the  carriages  are  at  the  door,  those 
bridesmaids,'  who  happen  to  be  in  the  house,  and  the 
other  members  of  the  family  set  off  first.  The  bride 
goes  last,  with  her  father  and  mother,  or  with  her  mother 
alone,  and  the  brother  or  relative  who  is  to  represent  her 
father  in  case  of  death  or  absence.  The  bridegroom, 
his  friend,  or  bridegroom's  man,  and  the  bridesmaids 
ought  to  be  waiting  in  the  church.  The  father  of  the 
bride  gives  her  his  arm,  and  leads  her  to  the  altar. 
Here  her  bridesmaids  stand  near  her,  as  arranged  by  the 
clerk,  and  the  bridegroom  takes  his  appointed  place.      ♦ 

"  It  is  a  good  thing  for  the  bridegroom's  man  to  dis- 
tribute the  different  fees  to  the  clergyman  or  clergymen, 


WEDDING   ETIQUETTE.  291 

tlie  clerk,  and  pew-opener,  before  tK^e  arrival  of  the  bride, 
as  it  prevents  confusion  afterwards. 

"  The  bride  stands  to  the  left  of  the  bridegroom,  and 
takes  the  glove  off  her  right  hand,  whilst  he  takes  his 
glove  off  his  right  hand.  The  bride  gives  her  glove  to 
the  bridesmaid  to  hold,  and  sometimes  to  keep,  as  a  good 
omen. 

**  The  service  then  begins.  During  the  recital,  it  is 
certainly  a  matter  of  feeling  how  the  parties  concerned 
should  behave;  but  if  tears  can  be  restrained,  and  a 
quiet  modesty  in  the  lady  displayed,  and  her  emotions 
subdued,  it  adds  much  to  the  gratification  of  others,  and 
saves  a  few  pangs  to  the  parents  from  whom  she  is  to 
part. 

"  It  should  be  remembered  that  this  is  but  the  closing 
scene  of  a  drama  of  some  duration — first  the  offer,  then 
the  consent  and  engagement.  In  most  cases  the  mar- 
riage has  been  preceded  by  acts  which  have  ^stamped  the 
whole  with  certainty,  although  we  do  not  adopt  the  con- 
tract system  of  our  forefathers,  and  although  no  event 
in  this  life  can  be  certain. 

*'  I  have  omitted  the  mention  of  the  bouquet,  because 
it  seems  to  me  always  an  awkward  addition  to  the  bride, 
and  that  it  should  be  presented  afterwards  on  her  return 
to  the  breakfast.  Gardenies,  if  in  season,  white  azalia, 
or  even  camellias,  with  very  little  orange  flowers,  form 
the  bridal  bouquet.  The  bridesmaids  are  dressed,  on 
this  occasion,- so  as  to  complete  the  picture  with  effect. 
When  there  are  six  or  eight,  it  is  usual  for  three  of  them 
to  dress  in  one  color,  and  three  in  another.  At  some  of 
the  most  fashionable  weddings  in   London,  the  brides- 


292  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

maids  wear  veils — t]?ese  are  usually  of  net  or  tulle ;  white 
tarlatan  dresses,  over  muslin  or  beautifully-worked 
dresses,  are  much  worn,  with  colors  introduced — pink  or 
blue,  and  scarves  of  those  colors ;  and  white  bonnets,  if 
bonnets  are  worn,  trimmed  with  flowers  to  correspond. 
These  should  be  simple,  but  the  flowers  as  natural  as 
possible,  and  of  the  finest  quality.  The  bouquets  of  the 
bridesmaids  should  be  of  mixed  flowers.  These  they 
may  have  at  church,  but  the  present  custom  is  for  the 
gentlemen  of  the  house  to  present  them  on  their  return 
home,  previous  to  the  wedding  breakfast. 

"  The  register  is  then  signed.  The  bride  quits  the 
church  first  with  the  bridegroom,  and  gets  into  his  car- 
riage, and  the  father  and  mother,  bridesmaids,  and  bride- 
groom's man,  follow  in  order  in  their  own. 

"  The  breakfast  is  arranged  on  one  or  more  tables, 
and  is  generally  provided  by  a  confectioner  when  expense 
is  not  an  object. 

"  Presents  are  usual,  first  from  the  bridegroom  to  the 
bridesmaids.  These  generally  consist  of  jewelry,  the 
device  of  which  should  be  unique  or  quaint,  the  article 
more  elegant  than  massive.  The  female  servants  of  the 
famil}^,  more  especially  servants  who  have  lived  many 
years  in  their  place,  also  expect  presents,  such  as  gowns 
or.  shawls ;  or  to  a  very  valued  personal  attendant  or 
housekeeper,  a  watch.  But  on  such  points  discretion 
must  suggest,  and  liberality  measure  out  the  largesse  of 
the  gift." 

When  the  ceremony  is  performed  at  the  house  of  the 
bride,  the  bridegroom  should  be  ready  full  half  an  hour 
before  the  time  appointed,  and  enter  the  parlor  at  the 


WEDDING    ETIQUETTE.  203 

head  of  his  army  of  bridesmaids  and  groomsmen,  "with 
his  fair  bride  on  his  arm.  In  America  a  groomsman  is 
allowed  for  each  bridesmaid,'  whilst  in  England  one  poor 
man  is  all  that  is  allowed  for  six,  sometimes  eight  brides- 
maids. The  brothers  or  very  intimate  friends  of  th© 
bride  and  groom  are  usually  selected  for  groomsmen. 


294  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

ETIQUETTE   FOR   PLACES   OT   AMUSEMENT. 

When  you  wish  to  invite  a  lady  to  accompany  you  to 
the  theatre,  opera,  a  concert,  or  any  other  public  place 
of  amusement,  send  the  invitation  the  day  previous  to 
the  one  selected  for  taking  her,  and  write  it  in  the  third 
person.  If  it  is  the  first  time  you  have  invited  her,  in- 
clude her  mother,  sister,  or  some  other  lady  in  the  invita- 
tion. 

If  she  accepts  your  invitation,  let  it  be  your  next  care 
to  secure  good  seats,  for  it  is  but  a  poor  compliment  to 
invite  a  lady  to  go  to  the  opera,  and  put  her  in  an"  un- 
comfortable seat,  where  she  can  neither  hear,  see,  nor  be 
seen. 

Although,  when  alone,  you  will  act  a  courteous  part 
in  giving  your  seat  to  a  strange  lady,  who  is  standing, 
in  a  crowded  concert  room,  you  should  not  do  so  when 
you  are  with  a  lady.  By  giving  up  your  place  beside 
her,  you  may  place  a  lady  next  her,  whom  she  will  find 
an  unpleasant  companion,  and  you  are  yourself  separated 
from  her,  when  the  conversation  between  the  acts  makes 
one  of  the  greatest  pleasures  of  an  evening  spent  in  this 
way.  In  case  of  accident,  too,  he  deprives  her  of  his 
protection,  and  gives  her  the  appearance  of  having  come 


ETIQUETTE   FOR   PLACES    OF   AMUSEMENT.  295 

alone.  Your  first  duty,  when  you  are  escorting  a  lady, 
is  to  that  lady  before  all  others.         ^ 

When  you  are  with  a  lady  at  a  place  of  amusement, 
you  must  not  leave  your  seat  until  you  rise  to  escort  her 
home.  If  at  the  opera,  you  may  invite  her  to  promenade 
between  the  acts,  but  if  she  declines,  do  you  too  remain 
in  your  seat. 

Let  all  your  conversation  be  in  a  low  tone,  not  whis- 
pered, nor  with  any  air  of  mystery,  but  in  a  tone  that 
will  not  disturb  those  seated  near  you. 

Any  lover-like  airs  or  attitudes,  although  you  may  have 
the  right  to  assume  them,  are  in  excessively  bad  taste  in 
public. 

If  the  evening  you  have  appointed  be  a  stormy  one, 
you  must  call  for  your  companion  with  a  carriage,  and 
this  is  the  more  elegant  way  of  taking  her  even  if  the 
weather  does  not  make  it  absolutely  necessary.  • 

When  you  are  entering  a  concert  room,  or  the  box  of 
a  theatre,  walk  before  your  companion  up  the  aisle,  until 
you  reach  the  seats  you  have  secured,  then  turn,  oifer 
your  hand  to  her,  and  place  her  in  the  inner  seat,  taking 
the  outside  one  yourself;  in  going  out,  if  the  aisle  is  too 
narrow  to  walk  two  abreast,  you  again  precede  your 
companion  until  you  reach  the  lobby,  where  you  turn 
and  offer  your  arm  to  her. 

Loud  talking,  laughter,  or  mistimed  applause,  are  all 
in  very  bad  taste,  for  if  you  do  not  wish  to  pay  strict 
attention  to  the  performance,  those  around  you  probably 
do,  and  you  pay  but  a  poor  compliment  to  your  com- 
panion in  thus  implying  her  want  of  interest  in  what  she 
came  to  see. 


296  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

Secure  your  programme,  libretto,  or  concert  bill,  be- 
fore taking  your  seat,  as,  if  you  leave  it,  in  order  to  ob- 
tain them,  you  may  find  some  one  else  occupying  your 
place  when  you  return,  and  when  the  seats  are  not  se- 
cured, he  may  refuse  to  rise,  thus  giving  you  the  alterna- 
tive of  an  altercation,  or  leaving  your  companion  without 
any  protector.  Or,  you  may  find  a  lady  in  your  seat, 
in  which  case,  you  have  no  alternative,  but  must  accept 
the  penalty  of  your  carelessness,  by  standing  all  the 
evening. 

In  a  crowd,  do  not  push  forward,  unheeding  whom 
you  hurt  or  inconvenience,  but  try  to  protect  your  com- 
panion, as  far  as  possible,  and  be  content  to  take  your 
turn. 

If  your  seats  are  secured,  call  for  your  companion  in 
time  to  be  seated  some  three  or  four  minutes  before  the 
performance  commences,  but  if  you  are  visiting  a 
hall  where  you  cannot  engage  seats,  it  is  best  to  go 
early. 

If  you  are  alone  and  see  ladies  present  with  whom 
you  are  acquainted,  you  may,  with  perfect  propriety,  go 
and  chat  with  them  between  the  acts,  but  when  with  a 
lady,  never  leave  her  to  speak  to  another  lady. 

At  an  exhibition  of  pictures  or  statuary,  you  may 
converse,  but  let  it  be  in  a  quiet,  gentlemanly  tone,  and 
without  gesture  or  loud  laughter.  If  you  stand  long 
before  one  picture  or  statue,  see  that  you  are  not  inter- 
fering with  others  who  may  wish  to  see  the  same  work 
of  art.  If  you  are  engaged  in  conversation,  and  wish 
to  rest,  do  not  take  a  position  that  will  prevent  others 


ETIQUETTE   FOR   PLACES   OF  AMUSEMENT.  297 

from  seeing  any  of  the  paintings,  but  sit  down,  or  stand 
near  the  centre  of  the  room. 

Never,  unless  urgently  solicited,  attach  yourself  to 
any  party  at  a  place  of  amusement,  even  if  some  of 
the  members  of  it  are  your  own  relatives  or  intimate 
friends. 


298  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 


CHAPTER  XYIII. 

MISCELLANEOUS, 

When  you  are  walking  with  a  lady  who  has  your  arm, 
be  careful  to  keep  step  with  her,  and  do  not  force  her  to 
take  long,  unladylike  steps,  or  trot  beside  you  with  two 
steps  to  one  of  yours,  by  keeping  your  usual  manly 
stride. 

Never  allow  a  lady,  with  whom  you  are  walking,  to 
carry  a  bundle,  shawl,  or  bag,  unless  both  your  hands 
are  already  occupied  in  her  service. 

When  you  attend  a  wedding  or  bridal  reception,  it  is 
the  bridegroom  whom  you  are  to  congratulate,  offering 
to  the  bride  your  wishes  for  her  future  happiness,  but 
not  congratulation.  If  you  you  are  acquainted  with  the 
bridegroom,  but  not  with  the  bride,  speak  to  him  first, 
and  he  will  introduce  you  to  his  bride,  but  in  any  other 
case,  you  must  speak  first  to  the  bride,  then  to  the  bride- 
groom, then  the  bridesmaids,  if  you  have  aay  previous 
acquaintance  with  them,  then  to  the  parents  and  family 
of  the  bride,  and  after  all  this  you  are  at  liberty  to  seek 
your  other  friends  among  the  guests.  If  you  are  per- 
sonally a  stranger  ta  the  newly  married  couple,  but  have 
received  a  card  from'  being  a  friend  of  one  of  the  families 


MISCELLANEOUS.  299 

or  from  any  other  reason,  it  is  the  first  groomsman's 
place  to  introduce  you,  and  you  should  give  him  your 
card,  or  mention  your  name,  before  he  leads  you  to  the 
bride. 

Always  remove  a  chair  or  stool  that  stands  in  the  way 
of  a  lady  passing,  even  though  she  is  an  entire  stranger 
to  you. 

You  may  hand  a  chair  to  a  strange  lady,  in  a  hotel, 
or  upon  a  boat;  you  may  hand  her  water,  if  you  see 
her  rise  to  obtain  it,  and  at  a  hotel  table  you  may  pass 
her  the  dishes  near  you-,  with  perfect  propriety. 

In  this  country  where  every  other  man  uses  tobacco, 
it  may  not  be  amiss  to  say  a  few  words  on  smoking. 

Dr.  Prout  says,  "Tobacco  is  confessedly  one  of  the 
most  virulent  poisons  in  nature.  Yet  such  is  the  fasci- 
nating influence  of  this  noxious  weed,  that  mankind  re- 
sort to  it  in  every  form  they  can  devise,  to  ensure  its 
stupifying  and  pernicious  agency.  Tobacco  disorders 
the  assimilating  functions  in  general,  but  particularly,  as 
I  believe,  the  assimilation  of  the  saccharine  principle. 
I  have  never,  indeed,  been  able  to  trace  the  development 
of  oxalic  acid  to  the  use  of  tobacco;  but  that  some  an- 
alogous, and  equally  poisonous  principle  (probably  of 
an  acid  nature),  is  generated  in  certain  individuals  by 
its  abuse,  is  evident  from  their  cachetic  looks,  and  from 
the  dark,  and  often  greenish  yellow  tint  of  the  blood. 
The  severe  and  peculiar  dyspeptic  symptoms  sometimes 
produced  by  inveterate  snuff-taking  are  well  known;  and 
I  have  more  than  once  seen  such  cases  terminate  fatally 
with  malignant  disease  of  the  stomach  and  liver.  Great 
smokers,  also,  especially  those  who  'Employ  short  pipes 


300  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

and  cigars,  are  said  to  be  liable  to  cancerous  affections 
of  the  lips." 

Yet,  in  spite  of  such  warnings  met  with  every  day, 
Young  America,  Middle-aged  America,  and  Old  America 
will  continue  to  use  the  poison,  and  many  even  use  it  in 
excess.  An  English  writer  gives  some  very  good  rules 
for  the  times  and  places  where  smoking  may  be  allowed, 
which  I  quote  for  the  use  of  smokers  on  this  side  of  the 
water. 

He  says : 

"But  what  shall  I  say  of  the  fragrant  weed  which 
Raleigh  taught  our  gallants  to  puff  in  capacious  bowls ; 
which  a  royal  pedant  denounced  in  a  famous  *  Counter- 
blast;' which  his  flattering  laureate,  Ben  Jonson,  ridiculed 
to  please  his  master ;  which  our  wives  and  sisters  protest 
gives  rise  to  the  dirtiest  and  most  unsociable  habit  a  man 
can  indulge  in ;  of  which  some  fair  favorers  declare  that 
they  love  the  smell,  and  others  that  they  will  never 
marry  an  indulger  (which,  by  the  way,  they  generally 
end  in  doing) ;  which  has  won  a  fame  over  more  space 
and  among  better  men  than  Noah's  grape  has  ever  done ; 
which  doctors  still  dispute  about,  and  boys  still  get  sick 
over;  but  which  is  the  solace  of  the  weary  laborer;  the 
support  of  the  ill-fed;  the  refresher  of  over-wrought 
brains;  the  soother  of  angry  fancies;  the  boast  of  the 
exquisite;  the  excuse  of  the  idle;  the  companion  of  the 
philosopher;  and  the  tenth  muse  of  the  poet.  I  will  go 
neither  into  the  medical  nor  the  moral  question  about  the 
dreamy,  calming  cloud.  I  will  content  myself  so  far 
with  saying  what  may  be  said  for  everything  that  can 
bless  and  curse  mankind,  that,  in  moderation,  it  is  at 


MISCELLANEOUS.  801 

least  narmless;  but  what  is  moderate  and  what  is  not, 
must  be  determined  in  each  individual  case,  according 
to  the  habits  and  constitution  of  the  subject.  If  it  cures 
asthma,  it  may  destroy  digestion ;  if  it  soothes  the  nerves, 
it  may,  in  excess,  produce  a  chronic  irritability. 

"But  I  will  regard  it  in  a  social  point  of  view;  and, 
first,  as  a  narcotic,  notice  its  effects  on  the  individual 
character.  I  believe,  then,  that  in  moderation  it  dimin- 
ishes the  violence  of  the  passions,  and,  particularly,  that 
of  the  temper.  Interested  in  the  subject,  I  have  taken 
care  to  seek  instances  of  members  of  the  same  family 
having  the  same  violent  tempers  by  inheritance,  of  whom 
the  one  has  been  calmed  down  by  smoking,  and  the 
other  gone  on  in  his  passionate  course.  I  believe  that  it 
induces  a  habit  of  calm  reflectiveness,  which  causes  us  to 
take  less  prejudiced,  perhaps  less  zealous  views  of  life, 
and  to  be,  therefore,  less  irritable  in  our  converse  with 
our  fellow  creatures.  I  am  inclined  to  think  that  the 
clergy,  the  squirearchy,  and  the  peasantry  are  the  most 
prejudiced  and  most  violent  classes  in  this  country  ;  there 
may  be  other  reasons  for  this,  but  it  is  noteworthy  that 
these  are  the  classes  which  smoke  least.  On  the  other 
hand,  I  confess  that  it  induces  a  certain  lassitude,  and  a 
lounging,  easy  mode  of  life,  which  are  fatal  both  to  the 
precision  of  manners  and  the  vivacity  of  conversation. 
The  mind  of  a  smoker  is  contemplative  rather  than 
active ;  and  if  the  weed  cures  our  irritability,  it  kills  our 
wit.  I  believe  that  it  is  a  fallacy  to  suppose  that  it  en- 
courages drinking.  There  is  more  drinking  and  less 
smoking  in  England  than  in  any  other  country  of  the 
civilized  world.     There  was  more  drinking  among   the 


802  gentlemen's  book  op  etiquette. 

genti-y  of  last  centurj,  who  never  smoked  at  all.  Smoke 
and  wine  do  not  go  well  together.  Coffee  or  beer  are 
its  best  accompaniments,  and  the  one  cannot  intoxicate, 
the  other  must  be  largely  imbibed  to  do  so.  I  have  ob- 
served among  young  bachelors  that  very  little  wine  is 
drunk  in  their  chambers,  and  that  beer  is  gradually 
taking  its  place.  The  cigar,  too,  is  an  excuse  for  rising 
from  the  dinner-table  where  there  are  no  ladies  to  go  to. 
*'In  another  point  of  view,  I  am  inclined  to  think 
that  smoking  has  conduced  to  make  the  society  of  men, 
when  alone,  less  riotous,  less  quarrelsome,  and  even  less 
vicious  than  it  was.  Where  young  men  now  blow  a 
common  cloud,  they  were  formerly  driven  to  a  fearful 
consumption  of  wine,  and  this  in  their  heads,  they  were 
ready  and  roused  to  any  iniquity.  But  the  pipe  is  the 
bachelor's  wife.  With  it  he  can  endure  solitude  longer, 
and  is  not  forced  into  low  society  in  order  to  shun  it. 
With  it,  too,  the  idle  can  pass  many  an  hour,  which 
otherwise  he  would  have  given,  not  to  work,  but  to  ex- 
travagant devilries.  With  it  he  is  no  longer  restless 
and  impatient  for  excitement  of  any  kind.  We  never 
hear  now  of  young  blades  issuing  in  bands  from  their 
wine  to  beat  the  watch  or  disturb  the  slumbering  citizens, 
as  we  did  thirty  or  forty  years  ago,  when  smoking  was 
still  a  rarity;  they  are  all  puffing  harmlessly  in  their 
chambers  now.  But,  on  the  other  hand,  I  foresee  with 
dread  a  too  tender  allegiance  to  the  pipe,  to  the  destruc- 
tion of  good  society,  and  the  abandonment  of  the  ladies. 
No  wonder  they  hate  it,  dear  creatures ;  the  pipe  is  the 
worst  rival  a  woman  can  have,  and  it  is  one  whose  eyes 
she  cannot  scratch  out;  who  improves  with  age,  while 


MISCELLANEOUS.  300 

she  herself  declines;  who  has  an  art  which  no  woman 
possesses,  that  of  never  wearying  her  devotee;  who  is 
silent,  yet  a  companion ;  costs  little,  yet  gives  much 
pleasifi'e ;  who,  lastly,  never  upbraids,  and  always  yields 
the  same  joy.  Ah !  this  is  a  powerful  rival  to  wife  or 
maid,  and  no  wonder  that  at  last  the  woman  succombs, 
consents,  and,  rather  than  lose  her  lord  or  master,  even 
supplies  the  hated  herb  with  her  own  fair  hands. 

"  There  are  rules  to  limit  this  indulgence.  One  must 
never  smoke,  nor  even  ask  to  smoke,  in  the  company  of 
the  fair.  If  they  know  that  in  a  few  minutes  you  will 
be  running  off  to  your  cigar,  the  fair  w^ill  do  well — say 
it  is  in  a  garden,  or  so — to  allow  you  to  bring  it  out  and 
smoke  it  there.  One  must  never  smoke,  again,  in  the 
streets ;  that  is,  in  daylight.  The  deadly  crime  may  be 
committed,  like  burglary,  after  dark,  but  not  before. 
One  must  never  smoke  in  ai'Qmninhabited  at  times  by 
Jhejaijies;  thus,  a  well-bred  man  who  has  a  wife  or  sis- 
ters, will  not  offer_,to__^m2k£^Jii_^tb^  after 
dinner.  One  must  nevcL-^moke  in  a^publiiL^lace.  where 
ladies  are  or  might  be,  for  instance,  a  flower-show  or 
promenade.  One  may  smoke  in  a  railway-carriage  in 
spite  of  by-laws,  if  one  has  first  obtained  the  consent  of 
every  one  present;  butif  there  be  a  lady  ther.£^hough 
she  ^ive  herconsent,  smoke  not.     In  nine  cases  out  of 


ten,  she  will  give  it  from  good  nature.  One  must  never 
smoke  in  a  close  carriage ;  one  may  ask  and  obtain  leave 
to  smoke  when  returning  from  a  pic-nic  or  expedition  in 
an  open  carriage.  One  must  never  smoke  in  a  theatre, 
on  a  race-course,  nor  in  church.  This  last  is  not,  per- 
haps, a  needless  caution.     In  the  Belgian  churches  you 


304  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

see  a  placard  announcing,  ^Ici  on  ne  m^clie  pas  du 
tabac'  One  must  never  smoke  when  anybody  shows  an 
objection  to  it.  One  must  never  smoke  a  pipe  in  the 
streets;  one  must  never  smoke  at  all  in  the  coffe5-room 
of  a  hotel.  One  must  never  smoke,  without  consent,,  in 
the  presence  of  a  clergyman,  and  one  must  never  offer  a 
cigar  to  any  ecclesiastic. 

''But  if  you  smoke,  or  if  you  are  in  the  company  of 
smokers,  and  are  to  wear  your  clothes  in  the  presence  of 
ladies  afterwards,  you  must  change  them  to  smoke  in. 
A  host  who  asks  you  to  smoke,  will  generally  offer  you 
an  old  coat  for  the  purpose.  You  must  also,  after 
smoking,  rinse  the  mouth  well  out,  and,  if  possible,  brush 
the  teeth.  You  should  never  smoke  in  another  person's 
house  without  leave,  and  you  should  not  ask  leave  to 
do  so  if  there  are  ladies  in  the  house.  When  you  are 
going  to  smoke  a  cigar  you  should  offer  one  at  the  same 
time  to  anybody  present,  if  not  a  clergyman  or  a  very 
old  man.  You  should  always  smoke  a  cigar  given  to 
you,  whether  good  or  bad,  and  never  make  any  remarks 
on  its  quality. 

**  Smoking  reminds  me  of  spitting,  but  as  this  is  at  all 
times  a  disgusting  habit,  I  need  say  nothing  more  than 
— never  indulge  in  it.  Besides  being  coarse  and  atro- 
cious, it  is  very  bad  for  the  health." 

Chesterfield  warns  his  son  against  faults  in  good 
breeding  in  the  following  words,  and  these  warnings  will 
be  equally  applicable  to  the  student  of  etiquette  in  the 
present  day.     He  says: — 

"  Of  the  lesser  talents,  good  breeding  is  the  principal 
and  most  necessary  one,  not  only  as  it  is  very  important 


MISCELLANEOUS.  305 

111  itself,  but  as  it  adds  great  lustre  to  the  more  solid  ad- 
vantages both  of  the  heart  and  the  mind.  I  have  often 
touched  upon  good  breeding  to  you  before;  so  that  this 
letter  shall  be  upon  the  next  necessary  qualification  to  it, 
which  is  a  genteel  and  easy  manner  and  carriage,  wholly 
free  from  those  odd  tricks,  ill-habits,  and  awkwardnesses, 
which  even  many  very  worthy  and  sensible  people  have 
in  their  behaviour.  However  trifling  a  genteel  manner 
may  sound,  it  is  of  very  great  consequence  towards 
pleasing  in  private  life,  especially  the  women,  which  one 
time  or  other,  you  will  think  worth  pleasing;  and  I  have 
known  many  a  man  from  his  awkwardness,  give  people 
such  a  dislike  of  him  at  first,  that  all  his  merit  could  not 
get  the  better  of  it  afterwards.  Whereas  a  genteel 
manner  prepossesses  people  in  your  favor,  bends  them 
towards  you,  and  makes  them  wish  to  be  like  you. 
Awkwardness  can  proceed  but  from  two  causes;  either 
from  not  having  kept  good  company,  or  from  not  having 
attended  to  it.  In  good  company  do  you  take  care  to 
observe  their  ways  and  manners,  and  to  form  your  own 
upon  them.  Attention  is  absolutely  necessary  for  this, 
as,  indeed,  it  is  for  everything  else;  and  a  man  without 
attention  is  not  fit  to  live  in  the  world.  When  an  awk- 
ward fellow  first  comes  into  a  room,  it  is  highly  probable 
that  he  goes  and  places  himself  in  the  very  place  of  the 
whole  room  where  he  should  not;  there  he  soon  lets  his 
hat  fall  down,  and,  in  taking  it  up  again,  throws  down 
his  cane ;  in  recovering  his  cane,  his  hat  falls  a  second 
time,  so  that  he  is  quarter  of  an  hour  before  he  is  in 
order  again.  If  he  drinks  tea  or  coffee,  he  certainly 
scalds  his  mouth,  and  lets  either  the  cup  or  saucer  fall, 
20 


806  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

and  spills  either  the  tea  or  coffee.  At  dinner  his  awk- 
wardness distinguishes  itself  particularly,  as  he  has  more 
to  do;  there  he  holds  his  knife,  fork,  and  spoon  differ- 
ently from  other  people,  eats  with  his  knife,  to  the  great 
danger  of  his  mouth,  picks  his  teeth  with  his  fork,  and 
puts  his  spoon,  which  has  been  in  his  throat  twenty 
times,  into  the  dishes  again.  If  he  is  to  carve,  he  can 
never  hit  the  joint :  hut,  in  his  vain  efforts  to  cut  through 
the  bone,  scatters  the  sauce  in  everybody's  face.  He 
generally  daubs  himself  with  soup  and  grease,  though 
his  napkin  is  commonly  stuck  through  a  button-hole,  and 
tickles  his  chin.  When  he  drinks,  he  infalliably  coughs 
in  his  glass,  and  besprinkles  the  company.  Besides  all 
this,  he  has  strange  tricks  and  gestures;  such  as  snuffing 
up  his  nose,  making  faces,  putting  his  finger  in  his  nose, 
or  blowing  it  and  looking  afterwards  in  his  handkerchief 
so  as  to  make  the  company  sick.  His  hands  are  trouble- 
some to  him,  when  he  has  not  something  in  them,  and  he 
does  not  know  where  to  put  them ;  but  they  are  in  per- 
petual motion  between  his  bosom  and  his  breeches ;  he 
does  not  wear  his  clothes,  and,  in  short,  he  does  nothing 
like  other  people.  All  this,  I  own,  is  not  in  any  degree 
criminal ;  but  it  is  highly  disagreeable  and  ridiculous  in 
company,  and  ought  most  carefully  to  be  avoided,  by 
whoever  desires  to  please. 

"From  this  account  of  what  you  should  not  doj  you 
may  easily  judge  what  you  should  ^o;  and  a  due  atten- 
tion to  the  manners  of  people  of  fashion,  and  who  have 
seen  the  world,  will  make  it  habitual  and  familiar  to 
you. 

"  There  is,  likewise,  an  awkwardness  of  expression  and 


MISCELLANEOUS.  307 

words,  most  carefully  to  be  avoided;  such  as  false  En* 
glish,  bad  pronunciation,  old  sayings,  and  common  pro- 
verbs; which  are  so  many  proofs  of  having  kept  bad 
and  low  company.  For  example,  if,  instead  of  saying 
that  tastes  are  different,  and  that  every  man  has  his  own 
peculiar  one,  you  should  let  off  a  proverb,  and  say.  That 
what  is  one  man's  meat  is  another  man's  poison;  or  else, 
Every  one  as  they  like,  as  the  good  man  said  when  he 
kissed  his  cow ;  everybody  would  be  persuaded  that  you 
had  never  kept  company  with  anybody  above  footmen 
and  housemaids. 

"Attention  will  do  all  this,  and  without  attention  no- 
thing is  to  be  done ;  want  of  attention,  which  is  really  want 
of  thought,  is  either  folly  or  madness.  You  should  not 
only  have  attention  to  everything,  but  a  quickness  of 
attention,  so  as  to  observe,  at  once,  all  the  people  in  the 
room,  their  motions,  their  looks,  and  their  words,  and 
yet  without  staring  at  them,  and  seeming  to  be  an  ob- 
server. This  quick  and  unobserved  observation  is  of  in- 
finite advantage  in  life,  and  is  to  be  acquired  with  care; 
and,  on  the  contrary,  what  is  called  absence,  which  is 
thoughtlessness,  and  want  of  attention  about  what  is 
doing,  makes  a  man  so  like  either  a  fool  or  a  madman, 
that,  for  my  part,  I  see  no  real  difference.  A  fool  never 
has  thought;  a  madman  has  lost  it;  and  an  absent  man 
is,  for  the  time,  without  it. 

"  I  would  warn  you  against  those  disagreeable  tricks 
and  awkwardnesses,  which  many  people  contract  when 
they  are  young,  by  the  negligence  of  their  parents,  and 
cannot  get  quit  of  them  when  they  are  old;  such  as  odd 
motions,    strange    postures,    and    ungenteel    carrriage. 


308  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

But  there  is  likewise  an  awkwardness  of  the  mind,  that 
ought  to  be,  and  with  care  may  be,  avoided ;  as,  for  in- 
stance, to  mistake  names;  to  speak  of  Mr.  What-d'ye- 
call-him,  or  Mrs.  Thingum,  or  How-d'ye-call-her,  is  ex- 
cessively awkward  and  ordinary.  To  call  people  by  im- 
proper titles  and  appellations  is  so  too.  To  begin  a 
story  or  narration  when  you  are  not  perfect  in  it,  and 
cannot  go  through  with  it,  but  are  forced,  possibly,  to 
say,  in  the  middle  of  it,  'I  have  forgotten  the  rest,'  is 
very  unpleasant  and  bungling.  One  must  be  extremely 
exact,  clear,  and  perspicuous,  in  everything  one  says, 
otherwise,  instead  of  entertaining,  or  informing  others, 
one  only  tires  and  puzzles  them.  The  voice  and  manner 
of  speaking,  too,  are  not  to  be  neglected;  some  people 
almost  shut  their  mouths  when  they  speak,  and  mutter 
so,  that  they  are  not  to  be  understood ;  others  speak  so 
fast,  and  sputter,  that  they  are  not  to  be  understood 
neither;  some  always  speak  as  loud  as  if  they  were 
talking  to  deaf  people ;  and  others  so  low  that  one  can- 
not hear  them.  All  these  habits  are  awkward  and  dis- 
agreeable, and  are  to  be  avoided  by  attention ;  they  are 
the  distinguishing  marks  of  the  ordinary  people,  who 
have  had  no  care  taken  of  their  education.  You  cannot 
imagine  how  necessary  it  is  to  mind  all  these  little 
things ;  for  I  have  seen  many  people  with  great  talents 
ill-received,  for  want  of  having  these  talents,  too;  and 
others  well  received,  only  from  their  little  talents,  and 
who  have  had  no  great  ones." 

Nothing  is  in  worse  taste  in  society  than  to  repeat  the 
witticisms  or  remarks  of  another  person  as  if  they  were 
your  own.     If  you  are  discovered  in  the  larceny  of  an- 


MISCELLANEOUS.  309 

otlici's  ideas,  you  may  originate  a  thousand  brilliant 
ones  afterwards,  but  you  will  not  gain  the  credit  of  one. 
If  you  quote  your  friend's  remarks,  give  them  as  quota- 
tions. 

Be  cautious  in  the  use  of  your  tongue.  Wise  men 
say,  that  a  man  may  repent  when  he  has  spoken,  but  he 
will  not  repent  if  he  keeps  silence. 

If  you  wish  to  retain  a  good  position  in  society,  be 
careful  to  return  all  the  visits  which  are  paid  to  you, 
promptly,  and  do  not  neglect  your  calls  upon  ladies,  in- 
valids, and  men  older  than  yourself. 

Visiting  cards  should  be  small,  perfectly  plain,  with 
your  name,  and,  if  you  will,  your  address  engraved  upon 
it.  A  handsomely  written  card  is  the  most  elegant  one 
for  a  gentleman,  after  that  comes  the  engraved  one ;  a 
printed  one  is  very  seldom  used,  and  is  not  at  all  elegant. 
Have  no  fanciful  devices,  ornamented  edges,  or  flourishes 
upon  your  visiting  cards,  and  never  put  your  profession 
or  business  upon  any  but  business  cards,  unless  it  is  as  a 
prefix  or  title :  as.  Dr.,  Capt.,  Col.,  or  Gen.,  in  case  you 
are  in  the  army  or  navy,  put  U.  S.  N.,  or  IJ.  S.  A.  after 
your  name,  but  if  you  are  only  in  the  militia,  avoid  the 
.vulgarity  of  using  your  title,  excepting  when  you  are 
with  your  company  or  on  a  parade.  Tinted  cards  may 
be  used,  but  plain  white  ones  are  much  more  elegant. 
If  you  leave  a  card  at  a  hotel  or  boarding  house,  write 
the  name  of  the  person  for  whom  it  is  intended  above 
your  own,  on  the  card. 

In  directing  a  letter,  put  first  the  name  of  the  person 
for  whom  it  is  intended,  then  the  name  of  the  city,  then 
that  of  the  state  in  which  he  resides.     If  you  send  it  to 


310  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

the  care  of  another  person,  or  to  a  boarding  house,  or 
hotel,  you  can  put  that  name  either  after  the  name  of 
your  correspondent,  or  in  the  left  hand  corner  of  the 
letter — thus : — 

Mr.  J.  S.  Jones, 

Care  of  Mr.  T.  C.  Jones, 

Boston, 
Mass. 
or, 

Mr.  J.  S.  Jones, 

Boston, 
Revere  House.  Mass. 

If  your  friend  is  in  the  army  or  navy,  put  his  titk  be- 
fore  his  station  after  his  name,  thus: — 

Capt.  L.  Lewis,  U.  S.  A., 
or, 
Lieutenant  T.  Roberts,  U.  S.  N. 

If  you  send  your  letter  by  a  private  hand,  put  the 
name  of  the  bearer  in  the  lower  left  hand  corner  of  the 
envelope,  but  put  the  name  only.  *' Politeness  of," — or 
"Kindness  of,"  are  obsolete,  and  not  used  now  at  all. 
Write  the  direction  thus : — 

J.  L.  Holmes,  Esq., 

Revere  House, 

.  Boston, 
•     C.  L.  Cutts,  Esq.  Mass. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  311 

This  ^vill  let  your  friend,  Mr.  Holmes,  know  that  Mr. 
Cutis  is  in  Boston,  which  is  the  object  to  be  gained  by 
putting  the  name  of  the  bearer  on  a  letter,  sent  by  a 
private  hand. 

Guard  against  vulgar  language.  There  is  as 
much  connection  between  the  words  and  the  thoughts  as 
there  is  between  the  thoughts  and  the  words;  the  latter 
are  not  only  the  expression  of  the  former,  but  they  have 
a  power  to  re-act  upon  the  soul  and  leave  the  stains  of 
their  corruption  there.  A  young  man  who  allows  him- 
self to  use  one  profane  or  vulgar  word,  has  not  only 
shown  that  there  is  a  foul  spot  on  his  mind,  but  by  the 
utterance  of  that  word  he  extends  that  spot  and  inflames 
it,  till,  by  indulgence,  it  will  soon  pollute  and  ruin  the 
whole  soul.  Be  careful  of  your  words  as  well  as  your 
thoughts.  If  you  can  control  the  tongue,  that  no  im- 
proper words  are  pronounced  by  it,  you  will  soon  be  able 
to  control  the  mind  and  save  it  from  corruption.  You 
extinguish  the  fire  by  smothering  it,  or  by  preventing 
bad  thoughts  bursting  out  in  language.  Never  utter  a 
word  anywhere,  which  you  Avould  be  ashamed  to  speak 
in  the  presence  of  the  most  religious  man.  Try  this 
practice  a  little,  and  you  will  soon  have  command  of 
yourself.  » 

Do  not  be  known  as  an  egotist.  No  man  is  more 
dreaded  in  society,  or  accounted  a  greater  "bore"  than 
he  whose  every  other  word  is  "I,"  "me,"  or  "my." 
Show  an  interest  in  all  that  others  say  of  themselves, 
but  speak  but  little  of  your  own  affairs. 

It  is  quite  as  bad  to  be  a  mere  relater  of  scandal  or 
the  affairs  of  your  neighbors.     A  female  gossip  is  de- 


312  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

testable,  but  a  male  gossip  is  not  only  detestable  but  ut- 
terly despicable. 

A  celebrated  English  lawyer  gives  the  following  di- 
rections for  young  men  entering  into  business.  He 
says : — 

"Select  the  kind  of  business  that  suits  your 

NATURAL  INCLINATIONS  AND  TEMPERAMENT. — Some  men 

are  naturally  mechanics;  others  have  a  strong  aversion 
to  anything  like  machinery,  and  so  on;  one  man  has  a 
natural  taste  for  one  occupation  in  life,  and  another  for 
another. 

"  I  never  could  succeed  as  a  merchant.  I  have  tried 
it,  unsuccessfully,  several  times.  I  never  could  be  con- 
tent with  a  fixed  salery,  for  mine  is  a  purely  speculative 
disposition,  while  others  are  just  the  reverse;  and  there- 
fore all  should  be  careful  to  select  those  occupations  that 
suit  them  best. 

"Let  your  pledged  word  ever  be  sacred. — Never 
promise  to  do  a  thing  without  performing  it  with  the 
most  rigid  promptness.  Nothing  is  more  valuable  to  a 
man  in  business  than  the  name  of  always  doing  as  he 
agrees,  and  that  to  the  moment.  A  strict  adherence  to 
this  rule  gives  a  man  the  command  of  half  the  spare 
funds  within  the  range  of  his  acquaintance,  and  encircles 
him  with  a  host  of  friends,  who  may  be  depended  upon 
in  any  emergency. 

"Whatever  you  do,  do  with  all  your  might. — 
Work  at  it,  if  necessary,  early  and  late,  in  season  and 
out  of  season,  not  leaving  a  stone  unturned,  and  never 
deferring  for  a  single  hour  that  which  can  just  as  well 
be  done  now.     The  old  proverb  is  full  of  truth  and 


MISCELLANEOUS.  313 

meaning — "Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all,  is  worth 
doing  well."  Many  a  man  acquires  a  fortune  by  doing 
his  business  thoroughly^  while  his  neighbor  remains  poor 
for  life,  because  he  only  half  does  his  business.  Ambi- 
tion, energy,  industry,  and  perseverance,  are  indispensa- 
ble requisites  for  success  in  business. 

''Sobriety.  Use  no  description  of  intoxicating 
DRINKS. — As  no  man  can  succeed  in  business  unless  he 
has  a  hrain  to  enable  him  to  lay  his  plans,  and  reason  to 
guide  him  in  their  execution,  so,  no  matter  how  bounti- 
fully a  man'fnay  be  blessed  with  intelligence,  if  his  brain 
is  muddled,  and  his  judgment  warped  by  intoxicating 
drinks,  it  is  impossible  for  him  to  carry  on  business  suc- 
cessfully. How  many  good  opportunities  have  passed 
never  to  return,  while  a  man  was  sipping  a  'social  glass' 
with  a  friend !  How  many  a  foolish  bargain  has  been 
made  under  the  influence  of  the  wine-cup,  which  tem- 
porarily makes  his  victim  so  rieh!  How  many  important 
chances  have  been  put  off  until  to-morrow,  and  thence 
for  ever,  because  indulgence  has  thrown  the  system  into 
a  state  of  lassitude,  neutralizing  the  energies  so  essential 
to  success  in  business.  The  use  of  intoxicating  drinks 
as  a  beverage  is  as  much  an  infatuation  as  is  the  smoking 
of  opium  by  the  Chinese,  and  the  former  is  quite  as 
destructive  to  the  success  of  the  business  man  as  the 
latter. 

"Let  hope  predominate,  but  be  not  too  visionary. 
— Many  persons  are  always  kept  poor  because  they  are 
too  visionary.  Every  project  looks  to  them  like  certain 
success,  and,  therefore,  they  keep  changing  from  one 
business  to  another,  always  in   hot  water,  and  always 


314  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

*  under  the  harrow.'  The  plan  of  *  counting  the  chickens 
before  they  are  hatched,'  is  an  error  of  ancient  date,  but 
it  does  not  seem  to  improve  by  age. 

"Do  NOT  SCATTER  YOUR  POWERS. — Engage  in  ono 
kind  of  business  only,  and  stick  to  it-faithfully  until  you 
succeed,  or  until  you  conclude  to  abandon  it.  A  con- 
stant hammering  on  one  nail  will  generally  drive  it  home 
at  last,  so  that  it  can  be  clinched.  When  a  man's  undi- 
vided attention  is  centered  on  one  object,  his  mind  will 
continually  be  suggesting  improvements  of  value,  which 
would  escape  him  if  his  brain  were  occupied*  by  a  dozen 
different  subjects  at  once.  Many  a  fortune  has  slipped 
through  men's  fingers  by  engaging  in  too  many  occupa- 
tions at  once. 

"Engage  proper  employees. — Never  employ  a  man 
of  bad  habits  when  one  whose  habits  are  good  can  be 
found  to  fill  his  situation.  I  have  generally  been  ex- 
tremely fortunate  in  having  faithful  and  competent  per- 
sons to  fill  the  responsible  situations  in  my  business ;  and 
a  man  can  scarcely  be  too  grateful  for  such  a  blessing. 
When  you  find  a  man  unfit  to  fill  his  station,  either  from 
incapacity  or  peculiarity  of  character  or  disposition,  dis- 
pense with  his  services,  and  do  not  drag  out  a  miserable 
existence  in  the  vain  attempt  to  change  his  nature.  It 
is  utterly  impossible  to  do  so,  *You  cannot  make  a  silk 
purse,'  &c.  He  has  been  created  for  some  other  sphere; 
let  him  find  and  fill  it." 

If  you  wish  to  succeed  in  society,  and  be  known  as  a 
man  who  converses  well,  you  must  cultivate  your  memory. 
Do  not  smile  and  tell  me  that  this  is  a  gift,  not  an  ac- 
quirement.    It  is  true  that  some  people  have  naturally  a 


MISCELLANEOUS.  315 

more  retentive  memory  than  others,  but  those  naturally 
most  deficient  may  strengthen  their  powers  by  cultiva- 
tion. 

Cultivate,  therfore,  this  glorious  faculty,  by  storing 
and  exercising  it  with  trains  of  imagery.  Accustom 
yourselves  to  look  at  any  natural  object,  and  then  con- 
sider how  many  facts  and  thoughts  may  be  associated 
with  it — how  much  of  poetic  imagery  and  refined  com- 
binations. Follow  out  this  idea,  and  you  will  find  that 
imagination,  which  is  too  often  in  youth  permitted  to 
build  up  castles  in  the  air,  tenantless  as  they  are  unpro- 
fitable, will  become,  if  duly  exercised,  a  source  of  much 
enjoyment.  I  was  led  into  this  train  of  thought  while 
walking  in  a  beautiful  country,  and  seeing  before  me  a 
glorious  rainbow,  over-arching  the  valley  which  lay  in 
front.  And  not  more  quickly  than  its  appearance,  came 
to  my  remembrance  an  admirable  passage  in  the  "Art 
of  Poetic  Painting,"  therein  the  author  suggests  the 
great  mental  advantage  of  exercising  the  mind  on  all 
subjects,  by  considering — 

"  What  use  can  be  made  of  them  ? 
What  remarks  they  will  illustrate  ? 
What  representations  they  will  serve  ? 
What  comparison  they  will  furnish?'^ 

And  while  thus  thinking,  I  remembered  that  the  in- 
genious author  has  instanced  the  rainbow  as  affording  a 
variety  of  illustrations,  and  capable,  in  the  imagery 
■which  it  suggests,  of  numerous  combinations.     Thus : 

THE  HUES  OF  THE  RAINBOW 

Tinted  the  green  and  flowery  banks  of  the  stream ; 
Tinged  the  white  blossoms  of  the  apple  orchards; 


316  gentlemen's   BOOK   OF    ETIQUETTE. 

Shed  a  beauteous  radiance  on  the  grass ; 
Veiled  the  waning  moon  and  the  evening  star; 
Over-arched  the  mist  of  the  waterfall; 
Reminded  the  looker-on  of  peace  opposed  to  turbulence. 
And  illustrated  the  moral  that  even  the  most  beautiful  things 
of  earth  must  pass  away. 

Every  book  you  read,  every  natural  object  which  meets 
your  view,  may  be  the  exercise  of  memory,  be  made  to 
furnish  food  both  for  reflection  and  conversation,  enjoy- 
ment for  your  own  solitary  hours,  and  the  means  of 
making  you  popular  in  society.  Believe  me,  the  man 
who — "saw  it,  to  be  sure,  but  really  forgot  what  it 
looked  like,"  who  is  met  every  day  in  society,  will  not 
be  sought  after  as  will  the  man,  who,-bringing  memory 
and  fancy  happily  blended  to  bear  upon  what  he  sees, 
can  make  every  object  worthy  of  remark  familiar  and 
interesting  to  those  who  have  not  seen  it. 

If  you  have  leisure  moments,  and  what  man  has  not  ? 
do  not  consider  them  as  spare  atoms  of  time  to  be  wasted, 
idled  away  in  profitless  lounging.  Always  have  a  book 
within  your  reach,  which  you  may  catch  up  at  your  odd 
minutes.  Resolve  to  edge  in  a  little  reading  every  day, 
if  it  is  but  a  single  sentence.  If  you  can  give  fifteen 
minutes  a  day,  it  will  be  felt  at  the  end  of  the  year. 
Thoughts  take  up  no  room.  When  they  are  right  they 
aiford  a  portable  pleasure,  which  one  may  travel  or  labor 
with  without  any  trouble  or  incumbrance. 

In  your  intercourse  with  other  men,  let  every  word 
that  falls  from  your  lips,  bear  the  stamp  of  perfect 
truth.     No  reputation  can  be  more  enviable  than  that 


MISCELLANEOUS.  317 

of  being  known  as  a  man  who  no  consideration  could 
force  to  soil  his  soul  with  a  lie. 

**  Truth  is  naturally  so  acceptable  to  man,  so  charming 
in  herself,  that  to  make  falsehood  be  received,  we  are 
compelled  to  dress  it  up  in  the  snow-white  robes  of 
Truth ;  as  in  passing  base  coin,  it  must  have  the  impress 
of  the  good  ere  it  will  pass  current.  Deception,  hypo- 
crisy, and  dissimulation,  are,  when  practised,  direct  com- 
pliments to  the  power  of  Truth ;  and  the  common  custom 
of  passing  off  Truth's  counterfeit  for  herself,  is  strong 
testimony  in  behalf  of  her  intrinsic  beauty  and  excel- 
lence." 

Next  to  being  a  man  of  talent,  a  well-read  man  is  the 
most  agreeable  in  society,  and  no  investment  of  money 
or  time  is  so  profitable  as  that  spent  in  good,  useful 
books,  and  reading.  A  good  book  is  a  lasting  companion. 
Truths,  which  it  has  taken  years  to  glean,  are  therein  at 
once  freely  but  carefully  communicated.  We  enjoy 
communion  with  the  mind,  though  not  with  the  person 
of  the  writer.  Thus  the  humblest  man  may  surround 
himself  by  the  wisest  and  best  spirits  of  past  and  present 
ages.  No  one  can  be  solitary  who  possesses  a  book ;  he 
owns  a  friend  that  will  instruct  him  in  moments  of  leisure 
or  of  necessity.  It  is  only  necessary  to  turn  open  the 
leaves,  and  the  fountain  at  once  gives  forth  its  streams. 
You  may  seek  costly  furniture  for  your  homes,  fanciful 
ornaments  for  your  mantel-pieces,  and  rich  carpets  for 
your  floors;  but,  after  the  absolute  necessaries  for  a 
home,  give  me  books  as  at  once  the  cheapest,  and  cer- 
tainly the  most  useful  and  abiding  embellishments. 

A  true  gentleman  will  not  only  refrain  from  ridiculing 


818  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

the  follies,  ignorance,  or  infirmities  of  others,  but  he  will 
not  even  allow  himself  to  smile  at  them.  He  will  treat 
the  rudest  clown  with  the  same  easy  courtesy  which  he 
would  extend  to  the  most  polished  gentleman,  and  will 
never  by  word,  look,  or  gestua-e  show  that  he  notices  the 
faults,  or  vulgarity  of  another.  Personal  deformity  is  a 
cross  sent  by  God,  and  none  but  a  depraved,  wicked,  and 
brutal  man  could  ridicule,  or  even  greet  with  a  passing 
smile  the  unfortunate  thus  stamped.  Even  a  word  or 
look  of  pity  will  wound  the  sensitive,  but  frank,  gentle 
courtesy,  the  regard  paid  by  a  feeling  man  to  the  com- 
fort of  a  cripple,  or  that  easy  grace  which,  while  it  shows 
no  sign  of  seeing  the  deformity,  shows  more  deference 
to  the  afflicted  one  than  to  the  more  fortunate,  are  all 
duly  appreciated  and  acknowledged,  and  win  for  the 
man  who  extends  them  the  respect  and  love  of  all  with 
whom  he  comes  in  contact.  i 

Remember  that  true  wit  never  descends  to  personali- 
ties. When  you  hear  a  man  trying  to  be  "funny"  at 
the  expense  of  his  friends,  or  even  his  enemies,  you  may 
feel  sure  that  his  humor  is  forced,  and  while  it  sinks  to 
ill-nature,  cannot  rise  to  the  level  of  true  wit, 

Never  try  to  make  yourself  out  to  be  a  very  important 
person.  If  you  are  so  really,  your  friends  will  soon  find 
it  out,  if  not,  they  will  not  give  you  credit  for  being  so, 
because  you  try  to  force  your  fancied  importance  upon 
them.  A  pompous  fool,  though  often  seen,  is  not  much 
loved  nor  respected,  and  you  may  remember  that  the 
frog  who  tried  to  make  himself  as  big  as  an  ox,  died  in 
the  attempt. 

A  severe  wit  once  said,  ''If  you  do  not  wish  to  be  the 


MISCELLANEOUS.  319 

mark  for  slanderous  tongues,  be  the  first  to  enter  a  room, 
and  the  last  to  leave  it." 

If  you  are  ever  tempted  to  speak  against  a  woman, 
think  first — "  Suppose  she  were  my  sister  !"  You  can 
never  gain  anything  by  bringing  your  voice  «igainst  a 
woman,  even  though  she  may  deserve  contempt,  and 
your  forbearance  may  shame  others  into  a  similar  silence. 
It  is  a  cowardly  tongue  that  will  take  a  woman's  name 
upon  it  to  injure  her ;  though  many  men  do  this,  who 
would  fear, — absolutely  he  afraid,  to  speak  against  a 
man,  or  that  same  woman,  had  she  a  manly  arm  to  pro- 
tect her. 

I  again  quote  from  the  celebrated  Lord  Chesterfield, 
who  says : 

"  It  is  good-breeding  alone  that  can  prepossess  people 
in  your  favour  at  first  sight,  more  time  being  necessary 
to  discover  greater  talents.  This  good-breeding,  you 
know,  does  not  consist  in  low  bows  and  formal  ceremony  ; 
but  in  an  easy,  civil,  and  respectful  behaviour.  You 
will  take  care,  therefore,  to  answer  with  complaisance, 
when  you  are  spoken  to ;  to  place  yourself  at  the  lower 
end  of  the  table,  unless  bid  to  go  higher ;  to  drink  first 
to  the  lady  of  the  house,  and  next  to  the  master ;  not  to 
eat  awkwardly  or  dirtily ;  not  to  sit  when  others  stand ; 
and  to  do  all  this  with  an  air  of  complaisance,  and  not 
with  a  grave,  sour  look,  as  if  you  did  it  all  unwillingly. 
I  do  not  mean  a  silly,  insipid  smile,  that  fools  have  when 
they  would  be  civil ;  but  an  air  of  sensible  good-humor. 
I  hardly  know  anything  so  difficult  to  attain,  or  so  ne- 
cessary to  possess,  as  perfect  good-breeding;  which  is 
equally  inconsistent  with  a  still  formality,  and  imperti- 


320  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

nent  forwardness,  and  an  awkward  bashfulness.  A  little 
ceremony  is  often  necessary ;  a  certain  degree  of  firmness 
is  absolutely  so ;  and  an  outward  modesty  is  extremely 
becoming;  the  knowledge  of  the  world,  and  your  own 
observatioiis,  must,  and  alone  can  tell  you  the  proper 
quantities  of  each. 

''I  mentioned  the  general  rules  of  common  civility, 
which,  whoever  does  not  observe,  will  pass  for  a  bear,  and 
be  as  unwelcome  as  one,  in  company;  there  is  hardly 
any  body  brutal  enough  not  to  answer  when  they  are 
spoken  to.  But  it  is  not  enough  not  to  be  rude;  you 
should  be  extremely  civil,  and  distinguished  for  your 
good  breeding.  The  first  principle  of  this  good  breeding 
is  never  to  say  anything  that  you  think  can  be  disagree- 
able to  any  body  in  company;  but,  on  the  contrary,  you 
should  endeavor  to  say  what  will  be  agreeable  to  them ; 
and  that  in  an  easy  and  natural  manner,  without  seeming 
to  study  for  compliments.  There  is  likewise  such  a 
thing  as  a  civil  look,  and  a  rude  look ;  and  you  should 
look  civil,  as  well  as  be  so ;  for  if,  while  you  are  saying 
a  civil  thing,  you  look  grufi"  and  surly,  as  English 
bumpkins  do,  nobody  will  be  obliged  to  you  for  a  civility 
that  seemed  to  come  so  unwillingly.  If  you  have  occa- 
sion to  contradict  any  body,  or  to  set  them  right  from  a 
mistake,  it  would  be  very  brutal  to  say,  '  That  is  not  so,  1 
know  better,  or  You  are  out ;  but  you  should  say  with  a 
civil  look,  I  beg  your  pardon,  I  believe  you  mistake,  or. 
If  I  may  take  the  liberty  of  coiitradicting  you,  I  believe 
it  is  so  and  so  ;  for,  though  you  may  know  a  thing  better 
than  other  people,  yet  it  is  very  shocking  to  tell  them  so 
directly,  without  something  to  soften  it;  but  remember 


MISCELLANEOUS.  321 

particularly,  that  whatever  you  say  or  do,  with  ever  so 
civil  an  intention,  a  great  deal  consists  in  the  manner 
and  the  look,  which  must  be  genteel,  easy,  and  natural, 
and  is  easier  to  be  felt  than  described. 

"Civility  is  particularly  due  to  all  women:  and  re- 
member, that  no  provocation  whatsoever  can  justify  any 
man  in  not  being  civil  to  every  woman ;  and  the  greatest 
man  would  justly  be  reckoned  a  brute,  if  he  were  not  civil 
to  the  meanest  woman.  It  is  due  to  their  sex,  and  is 
the  only  protection  they  have  against  the  superior 
strength  of  ours;  nay,  even  a  little  flattery  is  allowable 
with  women ;  and  a  man  may,  without  meanness,  tell  a 
woman  that  she  is  either  handsomer  or  wiser  than  she  is. 
Observe  the  French  people,  and  mind  how  easily  and 
naturally  civil  their  address  is,  and  how  agreeably  they 
insinuate  little  civilities  in  their  conversation.  They 
think  it  so  essential,  that  they  call  an  honest  man  and  a 
civil  man  by  the  same  name,  of  honnete  homme ;  and  the 
Romans  called  civility  humanitas,  as  thinking  it  insep- 
arable from  humanity.  You  cannot  begin  too  early  to 
take  that  turn,  in  order  to  make  it  natural  and  habitual 
to  you." 

Again,  speaking  of  the  inconveniency  of  bashfulness, 
he  says: — 

"As  for  the  mauvaise  Iionte,  I  hope  you  are  above  it. 
Your  figure  is  like  other  people's;  I  suppose  you  will 
care  that  your  dress  shall  be  so  too,  and  to  avoid  any 
singularity.  What  then  should  you  be  ashamed  of?  and 
why  not  go  into  a  mixed  company,  with  as  much  ease 
and  as  little  concern,  as  you  would  go  into  your  own 
room?  Vice  and  ignorance  are  the  only  things  I  know, 
21 


322  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

wliicli  one  ought  to  be  ashamed  of;  keep  but  clear  of 
them,  and  you  may  go  anywhere  without  fear  or  concern. 
I  have  known  some  people,  who,  from  feeling  the  pain 
and  inconveniences  of  this  mauvaise  honte,  have  rushed 
into  the  other  extreme,  and  turned  impudent,  as 
cowards  sometimes  grow  desperate  from  the  excess  of 
danger;  but  this  too  is  carefully  to  be  avoided,  there 
being  nothing  more  generally  shocking  than  impudence. 
The  medium  between  these  two  extremes  marks  out  the 
well-bred  man;  he  feels,  himself  firm  and  easy  in  all 
companies ;  is  modest  without  being  bashful,  and  steady 
without  being  impudent ;  if  he  is  a  stranger,  he  observes, 
with  care,  the  manners  and  ways  of  the  people  most  es- 
teemed at  that  place,  and  conforms  to  theln  with  com- 
plaisance." 

Flattery  is  always  in  bad  taste.  If  you  say  more  in 
a  person's  praise  than  is  deserved,  you  not  only  say 
what  is  fahe,  but  you  make  others  doubt  the  wisdom  of 
your  judgment.  Open,  palpable  flattery  will  be  re- 
garded by  those  to  whom  it  is  addressed  as  an  insult. 
In  your  intercourse  with  ladies,  you  will  find  that  the 
delicate  compliment  of  seeking  their  society,  showing 
your  pleasure  in  it,  and  choosing  for  subjects  of  conversa- 
tion, other  themes  than  the  weather,  dress,  or  the  opera, 
will  be  more  appreciated  by  women  of  sense,  than  the 
more  awkward  compliment  of  open  words  or  gestures  of 
admiration. 

Never  imitate  the  eccentricities  of  other  men,  even 
though  those  men  have  the  highest  genius  to  excuse  their 
oddities.  Eccentricity  is,  at  the  best,  in  bad  taste ;  but 
an  imitation  of  it — second  hand  oddity — is  detestable. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  &23 

Never  feign  abstraction  in  society.  If  you  have 
matters  of  importance  which  really  occupy  your  mind, 
and  prevent  you  from  paying  attention  to  the  proper 
etiquette  of  society,  stay  at  home  till  your  mind  is  less 
preoccupied.     Chesterfield  says : — 

"What  is  commonly  called  an  absent  man,  is  com- 
monly either  a  very  weak,  or  a  very  afiected  man ;  but 
be  he  which  he  will,  he  is,  I  am  sure,  a  very  disagreeable 
man  in  company.  He  fails  in  all  the  common  offices  of 
civility;  he  seems  not  to  know  those  people  to-day, 
whom  yesterday  he  appeared  to  live  in  intimacy  with. 
He  takes  no  part  in  the  general  conversation;  but,  on 
the  contrary,  breaks  into  it  from  time  to  time,  with  soiSe 
start  of  his  own,  as  if  he  waked  from  a  dream.  This 
(as  I  said  before)  is  a  sure  indication,  either  of  a  mind 
so  weak  that  it  is  not  able  to  bear  above  one  object  at  a 
time;  or  so  affected,  that  it  would  be  supposed  to  be 
wholly  engrossed  by,  and  directed  to,  some  very  great 
and  important  objects.  Sir  Isaac  Newton,  Mr.  Locke, 
and  (it  may  be)  five  or  six  more,  since  the  creation  of 
the  world,  may  have  had  a  right  to  absence,  from  that 
intense  thought  which  the  things  they  were  investigating 
required.  But  if  a  young  man,  and  a  man  of  the  world, 
who  has  no  such  avocations  to  plead,  will  claim  and  ex- 
ercise that  right  of  absence  in  company,  his  pretended 
right  should,  in  my  mind,  be  turned  into  an  involuntary 
absence,  by  his  perpetual  exclusion  out  of  company. 
However  frivolous  a  company  may  be,  still,  while  you 
are  among  them,  do  not  show  them,  by  your  inattention, 
that  you  think  them  so;  but  rather  take  their  tone,  and 
conform,  in  some  degree,  to  theii*  weakness,  instead  of 


824  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

manifesting  your  contempt  for  them.  There  is  nothing 
that  people  bear  more  impatiently,  or  forgive  less,  than 
contempt;  and  an  injury  is  much  sooner  forgotten  than 
an  insult.  If,  therefore,  you  would  rather  please  than 
offend,  rather  be  well  than  ill-spoken  of,  rather  be  loved 
than  hated;  remember  to  have  that  constant  attention 
about  you,  which  flatters  every  man's  little  vanity;  and 
the  want  of  which,  by  mortifying  his  pride,  never  fails 
to  excite  his  resentment,  or,  at  least,  his  ill  will.  For 
instance :  most  people  (I  might  say  all  people)  have  their 
weaknesses ;  they  have  their  aversions  and  their  likings 
to  such  or  such  things;  so  that,  if  you  were  to  laugh  at 
a  man  for  his  aversion  to  a  cat,  or  cheese,  (which  are 
common  antipathies,)  or,  by  inattention  and  negligence, 
to  let  them  come  in  his  way,  where  you  could  prevent  it, 
he  would,  in  the  first  case,  think  himself  insulted,  and, 
in  the  second,  slighted,  and  would  remember  both. 
Whereas  your  care  to  procure  for  him  what  he  likes,  and 
to  remove  from  him  what  he  hates,  shows  him  that  he  is, 
at  least,  an  object  of  your  attention;  flatters  his  vanity, 
and  makes  him,  possibly,  more  your  friend  than  a  more 
important  service  would  have  done.  With  regard  to 
w((men,  attention3  still  below  these  are  necessary,  and, 
by  the  custom  of  the  world,  in  some  measure  due,  ac- 
cording to  the  laws  of  good  breeding." 

In  giving  an  entertainment  to  your  friends,  while  you 
avoid  extravagant  expenditure,  it  is  your  duty  to  place 
before  them  the  best  your  purse  will  permit  you  to  pur- 
chase, and  be  sure  you  have  plenty.  Abundance  with- 
out superfluity,  and  good  quality  without  extravagance, 
are  your  best  rules  for  an  entertainment. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  325 

If,  bj  the  introduction  of  a  friend,  by  a  mistake,  or 
in  any  other  way,  your  enemy,  or  a  man  to  whom  you 
have  the  strongest  personal  dislike,  is  under  your  roof, 
or  at  your  table,  as  a  guest,  hospitality  and  good  breeding 
both  require  you  to  treat  him  with  the  same  frank 
courtesy  which  you  extend  to  your  other  guests ;  though 
you  need  make  no  violent  protestations  of  friendship, 
and  are  not  required  to  make  any  advances  towards  him 
after  he  ceases  to  be  your  guest. 

In  giving  a  dinner  party,  invite  only  as  many  guests 
as  you  can  seat  comfortably  at  your  table.  Xf  you  have 
two  tables,  have  them  precisely  alike,  or,  rest  assured, 
you  will  offend  those  friends  whom  you  place  at  what 
they  judge  to  be  the  inferior  table.  Above  all,  avoid 
having  little  tables  placed  in  the  corners  of  the  room, 
when  there  is  a  large  table.  At  some  houses  in  Paris  it 
is  a  fashion  to  set  the  dining  room  entirely  with  small 
tables,  which  will  accommodate  comfortably  three  or 
four  people,  and  such  parties  are  very  merry,  very  so- 
ciable and  pleasant,  if  four  congenial  people  are  around 
each  table ;  but  it  is  a  very  dull  fashion,  if  you  are  not 
sure  of  the  congeniality  of  each  quartette  of  guests. 

If  you  lose  your  fortune  or  position  in  society,  it  is 
wiser  to  retire  from  the  world  of  fashion  than  to  wait 
for  that  world  to  bow  you  out. 

If  you  are  poor,  but  welcome  in  society  on  account  of 
your  family  or  talents,  avoid  the  error  which  the  young 
are  most  apt  to  fall  into,  that  of  living  beyond  your 
means. 

The  advice  of  Polonius  to  Laertes  is  as  excellent  in 
the  present  day,  as  it  was  in  Shakspeare's  time: — 


326  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

"  Grive  thy  tlioughts  no  tongue, 
Nor  any  unproportioned  thought  his  act. 
Be  thou  familiar,  but  by  no  means  vulgar. 
The  friends  thou  hast,  and  their  adoption  tried, 
G-rapple  them  to  thy  soul  with  hooks  of  steel : 
'  But  do  not  dull  thy  palm  with  entertainments 
Of  each  new  hatch'd,  unfledg'd  comi.;de.     Beware 
Of  entrance  to  a  quarrel:  but,  bemg  in, 
Bear  it  that  the  opposer  may  beware  of  thee. 
Give  every  man  thine  ear,  but  few  thy  voice; 
Take  each  man's  censure,  but  reserve  thy  judgment. 
Costly  thy  habit  as  thy  purse  can  buy, 
But  not  express'd  in  fancy ;  rich,  not  gaudy; 
For  the  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man. 


Neither  a  borrower  nor  a  lender  be : 
For  loan  oft  loses  both  itself  and  friend ; 
And  borrowing  dulls  the  edge  of  husbandry. 
This  above  all, — To  thine  ownself  be  true ; 
-And  it  must  follow,  as  the  night  the  day. 
Thou  canst  not  then  be  false  to  any  man." 

It  is  by  no  means  desirable  to  be  always  engaged  in 
the  serious  pursuits  of  life.  Take  time  for  pleasure,  and 
you  will  find  your  work  progresses  faster  for  some  re- 
creation.    Lord  Chesterfield  says: 

*'I  do  not  regret  the  time  that  I  passed  in  pleasures; 
they  were  seasonable;  they  were  the  pleasures  of  youth, 
and  I  enjoyed  them  while  young.  If  I  had  not,  I  should 
probably  have  overvalued  them  now,  ak  we  are  very  apt  to 
do  what  we  do  not  know;  but  knowing  them  as  I  do,  I 
know  their  real  value,  and  how  much  they  are  generally 
overrated.     Nor  do  I  regret  the  time  that  I  have  passed 


MISCELLANEOUS.  327 

in  business,  for  the  same  reason;  those  who  see  only  the 
outside  of  it,  imagine  it  has  hidden  charms,  which  they 
pant  a.fter;  and  nothing  but  acopaiiitance  can  undeceive 
them.  I,  who  have  been  behind  the  scenes,  both  of 
pleasure  and  business,  and  have  seen  all  the  springs  and 
pullies  of  those  decorations  which  astonish  and  dazzle 
the  audience,  retire,  not  only  without  regret,  but  with 
contentment  and  satisfaction.  But  what  I  do,  and  ever 
shall  regret,  is  the  time  which,  while  young,  I  lost  in 
mere  idleness,  and  in  doing  nothing.  This  is  the  com- 
mon effect  of  the  inconsideracy  of  youth,  against  which 
I  beg  you  will  be  most  carefully  upon  your  guard.  The 
value  of  moments,  when  cast  up,  is  immense,  if  well  em- 
ployed; if  thrown  away,  their  loss  is  irrecoverable. 
Every  moment  may  be  put  to  some  use,  and  that  with 
much  more  pleasure  than  if  unemployed.  Do  not  im- 
agine that  by  the  employment  of  time,  I  mean  an  unin- 
terrupted application  to  serious  studies.  No ;  pleasures 
are,  at  proper  times,  both  as  necessary  and  as  useful; 
they  fashion  and  form  you  for  the  world ;  they  teach  you 
characters,  and  show  you  the  human  heart  in  its  un- 
guarded minutes.  But  then  remember  to  make  that  use 
of  them.  I  have  known  many  people,  f\-om  laziness  of 
mind,  go  through  both  pleasure  and  business  with  equal 
inattention;  neither  enjoying  the  one  nor  doing  the 
other;  thinking  themselves  men  of  pleasure,  because 
they  were  mingled  with  those  who  were,  and  men  of  bu- 
siness, because  they  had  business  to  do,  though  they 
did  not  do  it.  Whatever  you  do,  do  it  to  the  purpose; 
do  it  thoroughly,  not  superficially.  Approfondissez : 
go  to  the  bottom   of  things.     Anything  half  done  or 


b-8  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

half  known,  is,  in  my  mind,  neither  done  nor  known 
at  all.  Nay  worse,  it  ofien  misleads.  There  is  hardly 
any  place  or  any  company  where  you  may  not  gain 
knowledge,  if  you  please;  almost  every  body  knows 
some  one  thing,  and  is  glad  to  talk  upon  that  one  thing. 
Seek  and  you  will  find,  in  this  world  as  well  as  in  the 
next.  See  everything;  inquire  into  everything;  and 
you  may  excuse  your  curiosity,  and  the  questions  you 
ask,  which  otherwise  might  be  thought  impertinent,  by 
your  manner  of  asking  them;  for  most  things  depend  a 
great  deal  upon  the  manner.  As,  for  example,  I  am 
afraid  that  I  am  very  troublesome  with  my  questions  ;  hut 
nobody  can  inform  me  so  well  as  you;  or  something  of 
that  kind." 

The  same  author,  speaking  of  the  evils  of  pedantry, 
says : — 

''Every  excellency,  and  every  virtue  has  its  kindred 
vice  or  weakness;  and,  if  carried  beyond  certain  bounds, 
sinks  into  one  or  the  other.  Generosity  often  runs  int  - 
profusion,  economy  into  avarice,  courage  into  rashness^ 
caution  into  timidity,  and  so  on: — insomuch  that,  i  be- 
lieve, there  is  more  judgment  required  for  the  proper 
conduct  of  our  virtues,  than  for  avoiding  their  opposite 
vices.  Vice,  in  its  true  light,  is  so  deformed,  that  it 
shocks  us  at  first  sight,  and  would  hardly  ever  seduce 
us,  if  it  did  not  at  first  wear  the  mask  of  some  virtue. 
But  virtue  is,  in  itself,  so  beautiful,  that  it  charms  us  at 
first  sight;  engages  us  more  and  more  upon  further  ac- 
quaintance; and,  as  with  other  beauties,  we  think  excess 
impossible,  it  is  here  that  judgment  is  necessary,  to 
moderate  and  direct  the  effects  of  an  excellent  cause.     I 


MISCELLANEOUS.  329 

shall  apply  this  reasoning,  at  present,  not  to  any  par- 
ticular virtue,  but  to  an  excellency,  which,  for  want  of 
judgment,  is  often  the  cause  of  ridiculous  and  blameable 
effects;  I  mean  great  learning;  which,  if  not  accom- 
panied with  sound  judgment,  frequently  carries  us  into 
error,  pride,  and  pedantry.  As,  I  hope,  you  will  possess 
that  excellency  in  its  utmost  extent,  and  yet  without  its 
too  common  failinirs,  the  hints,  which  my  experience  can 
suggest,  may  probably  not  be  useless  to  you. 

"  Some  learned  men,  -proud  of  their  knowledge,  only 
speak  to  decide,  and  give  judgment  without  appeal;  the 
consequence  of  which  is,  that  mankind,  provoked  by  the 
insult,  and  injured  by  the  oppression,  revolt;  and,  in 
order  to  shake  off  the  tyranny,  even  call  the  lawful  au- 
thority in  question.  The  more  you  know,  the  modester 
you  should  be;  and  (by  the  bye)  that  modesty  is  the 
surest  way  of  gratifying  your  vanity.  Even  where  you 
are  sure,  seem  rather  doubtful ;  represent,  but  do  not 
pronounce ;  and,  if  you  would  convince  others,  seem 
open  to  conviction  yourself. 

*'•  Others,  to  show  their  learning,  or  often  from  the 
prejudices  of  a  school  education,  where  they  hear  of  no- 
thing else,  are  always  talking  of  the  ancients,  as  some- 
thing more  than  men,  and  of  the  moderns,  as  something 
less.  They  are  never  without  a  classic  or  two  in  their 
po«kets  ;  they  stick  to  the  old  good  sense ;  they  read 
'one  of  the  modern  trash ;  and  will  show  you  plainly 
-.lat  no  improvement  has  been  made  in  any  one  art  of 
science  these  last  seventeen  hundred  years.  I  would, 
by  no  means,  have  you  disown  your  acquaintance  with 
the  ancients ;  but  still  less  would  I  have  you  brag  of  an 


S30  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

exclusive  intimacy  with  them.  Speak  of  the  moderns 
without  contempt,  and  of  the  ancients  without  idolatry ; 
judge  them  all  by  their  merits,  but  not  by  their  ages ; 
and  if  you  happen  to  have  an  Elzevir  classic  in  your 
pocket,  neither  show  it  nor  mention  it. 

"  Some  great  scholars,  most  absurdly,  draw  all  their 
maxims,  both  for  public  and  private  life,  from  what  they 
call  parallel  cases  in  the  ancient  authors ;  without  con- 
sidering that,  in  the  first  place,  there  never  were,  since 
the  creation  of  the  world,  two  cases  exactly  parallel ; 
and,  in  the  next  place,  that  there  never  was  a  case 
stated,  or  even  known,  by  any  historian,  with  every  one 
of  its  circumstances ;  whi«h,  however,  ought  to  be  known 
in  order  to  be  reasoned  from.  Reason  upon  the  case 
itself,  and  the  several  circumstances  that  attend  it,  and 
act  accordingly ;  but  not  from  the  authority  of  ancient 
poets  or  historians.  Take  into  your  consideration,  if 
you  please,  cases  seemingly  analogous ;  but  take  them 
as  helps  only,  not  as  guides. 

"  There  is  another  species  of  learned  men  who,  though 
less  dogmatical  and  supercilious,  are  not  less  impertinent. 
These  are  the  communicative  and  shining  pedants,  who 
adorn  their  conversation,  even  with  women,  by  happy 
quotations  of  Greek  and  Latin  ;  and  who  have  contracted 
such  a  familiarity  with  the  Greek  and  Roman  authors, 
that  they  call  them  by  certain  names  or  epithets  denoting 
intimacy.  As,  old  Homer ;  that  sly  rogue  Horace ; 
Maro,  instead  of  Virgil;  and  JVaso,  instead  of  Ovid. 
These  are  often  imitated  by  coxcombs  who  have  no 
learning  at  all,  but  who  have  got  some  names  and  some 
Bcraps  of  ancient  authors  by  heart,  which  they  impro- 


KECEIPTS.  337 

"  These  should  be  thoroughly  mixed  and  used  once  a 
day  with  a  firm  brush. 

"  A  simple  mixture  of  charcoal  and  cream  of  tartar  is 
an  excellent  tooth-powder." 

To  Whiten  the  Hand. — "  Both  Spanish  and  French 
women — those,  at  least,  who  are  very  particular  to  make 
the  most  of  these  charms — are  in.  the  habit  of  sleeping 
in  _gloves  which  are  lined  or  plastered  over  with  a  kind 
of  pomade  to  improve  the  delicacy  and  complexion  of 
their  hands.  This  paste  is  generally  made  of  the  fol- 
lowing ingredients : — 

"  Take  half  a  pound  of  soft  soap,  a  gill  of  salad  oil, 
an  ounce  of  mutton  tallow,  and  boil  them  till  they  are 
thoroughly  mixed.  After  the  boiling  has  ceased,  but 
before  it  is  cold,  add  one  gill  of  spirits  of  wine,  and  a 
grain  of  musk. 

"  If  any  lady  wishes  to  try  this,  she  can  buy  a  pair  of 
gloves  three  or  four  sizes  larger  than  the  hand,  rip  them 
open  and  spread  on  a  thin  layer  of  the  paste,  and  then 
sew  the  gloves  up  again.  There  is  no  doubt  that  by 
wearing  them  every  night  they  will  give  smoothness  and 
a  fine  complexion  to  the  hands.  Those  who  have  the 
means,  can  send  to  Paris  and  purchase  them  ready 
made. 

"  If  the  hands  aa-e  inclined  to  be  rough  and  to  chap, 
the  following  wash  will  remedy  the  evil. 

Lemon-juice 3  oz. 

White  wine  vinegar 3  oz. 

White  brandy J  pint." 

For  the  Hair. — "  Beat  up  the  white  of  four  eggs 
into  a  froth,  and  rub  that  thoroughly  in  close  to  the 

22 


338         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

roots  of  the  hair.     Leave  it  to  dry  on.     Then  wash  the 
head  and  hair  clean  with  a  mixture  of  equal  parts  of  rum 
and  rose-water."    . 
*'  Honey- Water. — 

"Essence  of  ambergris 1  dr. 

Essence  of  musk 1  dr. 

Essence  of  bergamot 2  drs. 

Oil  of  cloves 15  drops. 

Orange-flower  water 4  oz. 

Spirits  of  wine 5  oz. 

Distilled  water 4  oz. 

*'  All  these  ingredients  should  be  mixed  together,  and 
left  about  fourteen  days,  then  the  whole  to  be  filtered 
through  porous  paper,  and  bottled  for  use. 

"  This  is  a  good  hair-wash  and  an  excellent  perfume." 
*'  To  Remove  Pimples. — There  are  many  kinds  of 
pimples,  some  of  which  partake  almost  of  the  nature  of 
ulcers,  which  require  medical  treatment ;  but  the  small 
red  pimple,  which  is  most  common,  may  be  removed  by 
applying  the  following  twice  a-day : — 

"  Sulphur  water 1  oz. 

Acetated  liquor  of  ammonia i  oz. 

Liquor  of  potassa 1  gr. 

White  wine  vinegar .' 2  oz. 

Distilled  water 2  oz." 

"To  Remove  Black  Specks  or  ' Fleshworms.* — 
Sometimes  little  black  specks  appear  about  the  base  of 
the  nose,  or  on  the  forehead,  or  in  the  hallow  of  the  chin 
which  are  called  ^fleshworms,'  and  are  occasioned  by  co- 
agulated lymph  that  obstructs,  the  pores  of  the  skin. 


RECEIPTS.  839 

They  may  be  squeezed  out  by  pressing  the  skin,  and  ig- 
norant persons  suppose  them  to  be  little  worms.  They 
are  permanently  removed  by  washing  with  warm  water, 
and  severe  friction  with  a  towel,  and  then  applying  a  lit- 
tle of  the  following  preparation : — 

"Liquor  of  potassa 1  oz. 

Cologne 2  oz. 

•White  brandy 4  oz. 

"  The  warm  water  and  friction  alone  are  sometimes 
sufficient." 

*'  To  Remove  Freckles. — The  most  celebrated  com- 
pound ever  used  for  the  removal  of  freckles  was  called 
Unction  de  Maintenon,  after  the  celebrated  Madame  de 
Maintenon,  mistress  and  wife  of  Louis  XIV.  It  is  made 
as  follows : — 

"Venice  soap 1  oz. 

Lemon-juice J  oz. 

Oil  of  bitter  almonds J  oz. 

Deliquidated  oil  of  tartar J  oz. 

Oil  of  rhodium 3  drops 

"  First  dissolve  the  soap  in  the  lemon-juice,  then  add 
the  two  oils,  and  place  the  whole  in  the  sun  till  it  ac- 
quires the  consistence  of  ointment,  and  then  add  the  oil 
of  rhodium.  Anoint  the  freckly  face  at  night  with  this 
unction,  and  wash  in  the  morning  with  pure  water,  or, 
if  convenient,  with  a  mixture  of  elder-flower  and  rose- 
water. 

"To  Remove  TANf—An  excellent  wash  to  remove 
tan  is  called  Creme  de  I'Enclos,  and  is  made  thus : 


840         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

"New  milk J  pint. 

Lemon-juice i  oz. 

White  brandy i  oz. 

"Boil  the  whole,  and  skim  it  clear  from  all  scum. 
Use  it  night  and  morning. 

"  A  famous  preparation  with  the  Spanish  ladies  for  re- 
moving the  effects  of  the  sun  and  making  the  complexion 
bright,  is  composed  simply  of  equal  parts  of  lemon-juice 
and  the  white  of  eggs.  The  whole  is  beat  together  in  a 
varnished  earthen  pot,  and  set  over  a  slow  fire,  and 
stirred  with  a  wooden  spoon  till  it  acquired  the  consist- 
ence of  soft  pomatum.  This  compound  is  called  Pom- 
made  de  Seville.  If  the  face  is  well  washed  with  rice- 
water  before  it  is  applied,  it  will  remove  freckles,  and 
give  a  fine  lustre  to  the  complexion." 


MISCELLANEOUS.  331 

perly  and  impertinently  retail  in  all  companies,  in  hopes 
of  passing  for  scholars.  If,  therefore,  you  would  avoid 
the  accusation  of  pedantry  on  one  hand,  or  the  suspicion 
of  ignorance  on  the  other,  abstain  from  learned  ostenta- 
tion. Speak  the  language  of  the  company  that  you  are 
in  ;  speak  it  purely,  and  unlarded  with  any  other. 
Never  seem  wiser  nor  more  learned  than  the  people  you 
are  with.  Wear  your  learning,  like  your  watch,  in  a 
private  pocket ;  and  do  not  pull  it  out  and  strike  it, 
merely  to  show  that  you  have  one.  If  you  are  asked 
what  o'clock  it  is,  tell  it,  but  do  not  proclaim  it  hourly 
and  unasked,  like  the  watchman. 

"  Upon  the  whole,  remember  that  learning  (I  mean 
Greek  and  Koman  learning)  is  a  most  useful  and  neces- 
sary ornament,  which  it  is  shameful  not  to  be  master  of; 
but,  at  the  same  time,  most  carefully  avoid  those  errors 
and  abuses  which  I  have  mentioned,  and  which  too  often 
attend  it.  Remember,  too,  that  great  modern  knowledge 
is  still  more  necessary  than  ancient ;  and  that  you  had 
better  know  perfectly  the  present,  than  the  old  state  of 
the  world ;  though  I  would  have  you  well  acquainted  v/ith 
both." 

If  you  are  poor,  you  must  deprive  yourself  often  of 
the  pleasure  of  escorting  ladies  to  ride,  the  opera,  or 
other  entertainments,  because  it  is  understood  in  society 
that,  in  these  cases,  a  gentleman  pays  all  the  expenses 
for  both,  and  in  any  emergency  you  may  find  your  bill 
for  carriage  hire,  suppers,  bouquets,  or  other  unforeseen 
demands,  greater  than  you  anticipated. 

Shun  the  card  table.  Even  the  friendly  games  com- 
mon in  society,  for  small  stakes,  are  best  avoided.     They 


332  gentlemen's  book  of  etiquette. 

feed  the  love  of  gambling,  and  you  will  find  that  this 
love,  if  once  acquired,  is  the  hardest  curse  to  get  rid  off. 
It  is  in  bad  taste,  though  often  done,  to  turn  over  the 
cards  on  a  table,  when  jou  are  calling.  If  your  host  or 
hostess  finds  you  so  doing,  it  may  lead  them  to  suppose 
you  value  them  more  for  their  acquaintances  than  them- 


TURN 


CIRCULATION  DEPARTMENT 

202  Main  Library 


AN  PERIOD  1 
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